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My OCD Experience

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psta1990

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Australia
Hey guys, thought I would share my OCD experience. I have only really shared this stuff with mental health professionals. It took me a long time to realise I had OCD and I still don’t fully understand it. I have a diagnosis for ADHD (Inattentive Type) which can complicate things. I didn’t really associate what I was experiencing with OCD, as I thought it was for people who could constantly check locks, wash their hands or have rituals in response to superstitions. All of those would really suck, and it is OCD, but the disorder covers a much broader set of symptoms than the ones just mentioned. Regardless, the cycle (Thought - Fear - Action to reduce fear) is the same, and I believe it is rooted within our core beliefs.

I wrote this as way to help explain my OCD thoughts to a psychiatrist. I can have all these thoughts in a single day (no kidding) and feel I have to respond to each one as if they are true. Even though I believe that it is irrational to respond to them in this manner and I can recognise what is happening even when I am triggered, I feel as though I have little control of them. Although the list below may seem quite intense to some people, I feel like having OCD is forcing me to become an authentic person who is accepting of everything that is happening in my life. I personally believe that this is where the greatest sense of freedom comes from. While I am nowhere near where I want to be, I can recognise the freedom that exists outside this illness. It’s like being in a mental prison where you can see freedom right in front of you, but there is this invisible barrier that you don’t know how to break through, or only seems to break very slightly when you try. Anyway, these are some of the OCD thoughts I have:

  • If I don’t keep close watch of my thoughts then I could fall into an abyss of uncertainty, confusion and panic
  • What if I have a mental breakdown and my whole personality changes or I suffer permanent psychological damage?
  • I have been through a period of what felt like derealization back in 2013 which may have triggered my existential obsessions
  • Narcissistic abuse from friend may have triggered obsession with understanding myself?
  • What if I am crazy and delusional? How can I know for certain? Could I lose my mind at any moment?
  • Because I have been in my shell for such a long time and have been struggling quite significantly, I fear that once I am in a better place where I feel confident and in control, I will fall into an identity crisis and won’t know myself as I have been in a state of suffering for so long.
  • If I don’t keep close watch of my thoughts then I might turn into a person who is narcissistic, arrogant, sociopathic, ignorant and unaware. I have plenty of insecurities and flaws and I think having low self-esteem quite often as a result of OCD/ADHD/Social Anxiety fuels my desire to be someone who is successful as I am not where I want to be or think I could be. I sometimes question whether I am a narcissist who wants to be admired and is trying to prove myself to others.
  • To what degree has the millions (perhaps billions?) of variables in my life shaped the person I currently am?
  • Maybe I am just weak and thin skinned and that is why I am in this position.
  • Do other people think I am confusing because of my frequent mood shifts due to OCD? One moment I feel okay and then the next I am hit with a OCD thought which alters my emotional levels. Is this something other people notice?
  • Is what I’m saying actually what I actually think? Am I certain I know myself?
  • What if there is something horrible that is laying dormant within my subconscious that will come out one day?
  • I need to keep self-reflecting to make sure there aren’t inconsistencies or contradictions in my thinking and behaviour
  • I must make sure there is no threat of me becoming a terrible person before I can relax
  • Pathological doubt? What if my thinking is wrong?
  • Where does my mental illness end and my personality begin?
  • Am I labelling too many of my thoughts as OCD when they are not?
  • I wonder if I have been misdiagnosed? Is my OCD even that bad? Could it be something else? What if there is something bothering me or influencing my behaviour that I haven’t consciously thought of?
  • What if I actually don’t have OCD or ADHD and I have created a false disorder as a way to make myself feel better about being lazy, insecure, strange etc?
  • Has my obsessiveness over OCD and ADHD created the illusion that I have them? If I didn’t know they existed would it be something I have?
  • Whenever I have an opinion about something, there is almost always an automatic response in my head that sends a message saying, “I might be right, but there is probably plenty of other possibilities and information that I haven’t thought of that could contradict what I think, even to a small degree**”. Once this happens I tend to get quite frustrated as it feels like I am constantly running into mental brick walls.**
  • I tend/try to base my thinking off the assumption that there is an objective reality, but I will constantly have thoughts saying things like “the explanation for how existence came to be can’t (in my opinion) be proven through a scientific process so therefore how do I know that basing my assumptions off objective reality is actually directing me further towards truth?” “What if truth is found through other philosophical lenses outside of science?”
  • I can’t get my head around the topics of reality, consciousness, time and space etc. Therefore, if I am living in a world I don’t understand then how do I know reality isn’t a figment of my imagination, a simulation or endless other possibilities?
  • Why is it that I can see the world through my eyes and not every other conscious living thing that has ever existed?
  • Does God exist? If God does exist, then I wonder if I will go to heaven?
  • The whole idea of existence overwhelms and scares me at times. Could everything just end all of a sudden?
  • Violent and sexual thoughts when I am around people
  • Often feeling mentally contaminated
  • What do these thoughts say about me?
  • Am I really vain?
  • Disgust with my own and other people’s bodies. This can be things like sweating, odours, body hair, hair loss, sexual disgust, pimples etc.
  • What if other people find me physically disgusting?
  • Am I a sexual creep?
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

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Thank you for sharing. I also have a list of delusions I used to go thru, pretty horrible stuff. I’m happy you shared tho cause I wasn’t aware you could have this type of ocd. Very insightful and helpful in my own recovery.:)
 
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psta1990

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Australia
Thank you for sharing. I also have a list of delusions I used to go thru, pretty horrible stuff. I’m happy you shared tho cause I wasn’t aware you could have this type of ocd. Very insightful and helpful in my own recovery.:)
Cheers! It's existential OCD essentially. It tends to be a lot of questioning about the self, reality and losing control. I still have the obsession and then the compulsion tends to be rumination or constantly checking to see if anything within my perceptions has changed. Some of the more stereotypical OCD behaviours I have are counting and blinking to block out the thoughts.
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

Former member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
7,217
Location
planet earth
Cheers! It's existential OCD essentially. It tends to be a lot of questioning about the self, reality and losing control. I still have the obsession and then the compulsion tends to be rumination or constantly checking to see if anything within my perceptions has changed. Some of the more stereotypical OCD behaviours I have are counting and blinking to block out the thoughts.
I have thoughts of paranoia which I’ve been told is a form of OCD. The paranoia stems from being bullied, and delusions of being followed or left behind. Mostly I ask myself questions as to how can I get out of a situation that I see as dangerous or unsettling. Questions like, how can I improve my treatment and why am I always the outcast? I know deep down they are forms of ocd, but I’m diagnosed schizophrenic. I use deep breathing and sleeping as coping skills. I do a lot of online research to help myself too. Cheers!
 
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BlueWater

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Jul 29, 2021
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I ask myself some of these questions many days but didn't realize others did. Thanks for sharing.
 
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psta1990

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Australia
I have thoughts of paranoia which I’ve been told is a form of OCD. The paranoia stems from being bullied, and delusions of being followed or left behind. Mostly I ask myself questions as to how can I get out of a situation that I see as dangerous or unsettling. Questions like, how can I improve my treatment and why am I always the outcast? I know deep down they are forms of ocd, but I’m diagnosed schizophrenic. I use deep breathing and sleeping as coping skills. I do a lot of online research to help myself too. Cheers!
Yeah I guess mine are kind of paranoia but I am rarely convinced of the thoughts I have which probably wouldn't mean I am delusional. That's the terrible thing I have noticed about OCD is that it's as if it is a machine running in my head and I constantly feel the need to question the thoughts and gain certainty. I was afraid at one point that I was going to develop schizophrenia but I am at the point now where I have accepted that if it does happen, I can accept it (but still not be happy about it). From what I have read, Schizophrenia would really suck to have and you have it through no fault of your own. 💪
 
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psta1990

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Australia
I ask myself some of these questions many days but didn't realize others did. Thanks for sharing.
Yeah I felt so isolated for a long time because I thought I must be nuts that other people don’t seem to be bothered by these things. I found that books by Albert Ellis were really helpful.
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

Former member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
7,217
Location
planet earth
Yeah I guess mine are kind of paranoia but I am rarely convinced of the thoughts I have which probably wouldn't mean I am delusional. That's the terrible thing I have noticed about OCD is that it's as if it is a machine running in my head and I constantly feel the need to question the thoughts and gain certainty. I was afraid at one point that I was going to develop schizophrenia but I am at the point now where I have accepted that if it does happen, I can accept it (but still not be happy about it). From what I have read, Schizophrenia would really suck to have and you have it through no fault of your own. 💪
Well thanks you give me strength with your words of encouragement ;)
 
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