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My narcissistic boyfriend insists I have HPD

Z

zyvva

Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2014
Messages
7
Hello!

My name is Ana and I am currently in a long distance relationship with a narcissist. I live in Portugal, he lives in Germany and we see each other every two months, give or take. He is aware of his NPD and, from what he tells me, he is truly "ashamed" of that and of the behaviors this disorder triggers in him. He is currently attending to psychotherapy appointments, every week for almost a year now.

In the beginning, everything was perfect (cliché for a relationship with a narcissist, as I have been told), but then things started to change. He would engage in some behaviors that he himself thought to be normal, even being in a relationship, but for me they were pretty shocking, humiliating and even revolting. And most of all, they made me sad and later angry. Among these behaviors are kissing another girl (and also other men at the same time) while going out and being drunk (this girl and men are his circle of friends), being asked by a close friend to have sex in his house with a prostitute and answering "No thanks, but I will watch!", and he did... Showing me off to his friends and encourage them to touch me and appreciate me physically, like I was some kind of object or trophy. In one occasion, he even suggested me to masturbate (while I was getting dressed inside of my tent in a music festival) so that his 18 year old friend could watch. And many others, but not as alarming as the ones above.

Now, I never was a jealous person, I always had relationships where we would give each other space. My ex for example, we lived together for 4 years, but we would go out separately many times, he would go to festivals and on trips with friends and that was ok. This relationship ended because the feelings started fading and we wouldn't connect anymore and I ended up cheating on him. Also with my current boyfriend, I left my ex to be with him, so per say. I am not proud of it, he didn't deserve it, but I learned my lesson and now I have the opinion that, if you're gonna cheat, don't. Just break up and avoid destroying someone's else's life. The problem is that I am crazy jealous now with David (current boyfriend). And I mean really psycho. I imagine tons of things when he goes out, and I end up having fights with him because of my fear that he will do something that may hurt me. And then he calls me a controlling psycho. He tells me I want him in a cage and not seeing anyone else. And I have to admit, it feels like that sometimes. I made him a ultimatum a few months ago to stop going out with some of his friends... I know this is wrong, but I also know I can go out with my friends (I am not really that much of a social person) without engaging in sexual and "perverse" behaviors that can jeopardize my relationship or hurt my partner in anyway. At first he understood my fear, but I think it was just a way he found to "shut me up" for a while because he goes out with them now anyway and I have to accept that.

Now comes the worst part. I believe my actions are caused by all the psychological abuses that come usually from a narcissist, combined with all the wrong behaviors he had towards me and the relationship. He, one the other hand....believes I suffer from Histrionic Personality Disorder. He said he asked for the opinion of his doctor and another one and they all gave him the same diagnosis. I was worried and sad and saw that some symptoms fit me, but many others don't. I was never like this before, I never seeked for attention or went all dramatic like now. So I did the same and went to two different psychologists. After a while they both told me I didn't show no symptoms of HPD. Trust issues and difficulty controlling emotions yes, but not enough to make me histrionic.

The problem is that he keeps insisting that I suffer from this disorder. He keeps giving me this example: he was here in Portugal visiting me. It was the first day and there was a small concert in town with a few metal bands and all of our mutual friends there also. We went there, everything was good, he was talking to other people that he haven't seen for a while and that was ok. But at some point, he would be with me watching the bands and would say "I need to go to the restroom, wait here". I waited for him. And I waited, and waited.... Half an hour passed and I went to look for him. He was talking to his friends, alone. He this twice. The third time he did it, I just gave up and told him he could keep running away if he wanted, I just remembered him we are not together that often. I left and he came after me, we went home and we had a huge fight because he thought I was overreacting. I believe I overreacted, but is this "the perfect example"(quote) of an histrionic behavior? Please note we went out together other times before, and he always ignores me. But I just thought it was because we were in Germany and I don't speak German so it was inevitable that I got put aside a bit.

I really don't know what to do, I just know I can't take this accusations anymore. It is hard enough to keep up with his disorder already...

PS: my english is not perfect, since I am portuguese. Any doubts please ask :)

Thank you all in advance for your time.
 
Z

zyvva

Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2014
Messages
7
PS: I am 26 years old and he is 30. I thought this was relevant.
 
Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

Well-known member
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Apr 15, 2014
Messages
9,363
Location
North of England, UK
He has NPD, and is treating you very badly, and abusively. He claims your (quite understandable and human) reaction to this is a sign of HPD. His claim to have spoken with a psychiatrist is just that, a claim. You cannot be certain of it, and in any case, a psychiatrist would have to see you in person to make an assessment - and even then they are not known for the reliability of either their diagnostics and prognostics :)
 
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H

hannonymous

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Apr 8, 2014
Messages
18
Location
London
I really don't think you have HPD, I think this guy is mistreating you and you're responding like any normal person would. You have trust issues for a reason - because he's been inappropriately sexual with other people and hasn't shown any real signs of changing! I think you should look up 'signs of abuse' online, especially emotional abuse. The things he is doing to you don't seem to be acceptable, and it's really common for abusers to make their victims out to be 'crazy' or gaslight them so they don't realise what's happening to them is abuse. This is what he's doing when he claims that your upset reaction to his unacceptable behaviour is due to HPD. He's trying to blame his abuse on you so he doesn't have to face the consequences. But I can't be sure, as I'm not in your relationship.

If I were you, I would examine my relationship for the signs of emotional abuse. You could try couple's counselling as then you could see for sure what his psychiatrist says, but be aware that this is often not advised for abusive relationships as it can cause the abuser to escalate their behaviour. Tread carefully. If you don't think it's an abusive relationship, then seeing his psychiatrist with him might be beneficial to you as it can help him manage his interactions with you. You can also tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable/it's upsetting you whenever he crosses a line. If he doesn't respond to this and continues his behaviour, then I would consider breaking up with him and limiting your contact. His disorder doesn't excuse him mistreating you in the way that he's doing - he doesn't seem remorseful at all, he looks like he's blaming it on you by claiming you have HPD.
 
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