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My name is Kirsty...

K

Kirsty_87

Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Stoke-on-Trent
Hi my name is Kirsty and ive recently being diagnosed with Personality Disorder. Its taken almost 22years to have answers as to why I self halm, hate myself, get angry so easily, find being sociable with family or new people...all the psychiatrist/Doctors have only ever give me medication and set me on my way...ive always believed that im not normal...and people have turned against me because they think im crazy.
My story is...
When I was 4 my 19year old brother passed away, 2days before my 5th birthday...I remember being told just before I was going to blow my candles out that my brother would not help me no more...ive never being able to blow my candles out since...my brother went to bed one night and suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep.
9months after my brother passed away my dad lost his battle to cancer.
Soon after my brother and dad died...I became a victim of child abuse, by a so called uncle...at the time I never understood what he was doing...to me this was how uncles where meant to be!...
All through this my mum was falling apart...she would take over doses of pills to kill her self...I had to ring an ambulance everytime she would wake me up and laugh about taking pills...I watched my mum disappear...she became a child and I at 6 had to become the mum to her...I loved her and hated her at the same time...
When I was 8 I finally told my mum and step dad about my uncle abusing me...I could tell they didnt believe me...but they rang the police...after ages of investigation it came back my word against his...I feel let down...I have to see this man around the city I live in!!...
When I was 9 I was taken into foster care....I missed looking after my mum...I started to withdraw from the world...
My mums health got worse...she was in and out of hospital with different health issues...she was in intensive care for months...when she was taken out of icu...I was so excited because she was geting better....I saw my mum for the final time on the 5th Feb 2000, I was 13yrs old....the next day I got the call she had passed away....
I went through life being told I need to get over my mum dying...I blame myself for her death I should of seen something wad wtog with her....I feel like I murdered her...I cant shake that guilt...no matter who tells me it was not my fault...
I left high school...went to college...got hurt by so called friends...bullied by strangers...
I met a guy and decided to put my heart on the line...I was 26...
The guy I met...stole my late mums jewelry and sold it behinde my back...I never said anything because he was to good at his mind games...he left me 10s of thousands in debt...feeling even more disgusted in myself...I tried to take my life...
Now at 27yrs old I finally have an answer for...why I am the way I am....ive tried to take my life on many occassions...I dont have nobody I can confide in or trust...I feel empty...lonely...lifes not worth living...

Am I the only person with this disorder that hates themselves so much?

Im not sure how to take this diagnoses...I feel weird about it...ive tried reading about it but I dont understand it...
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,752
Location
Europe
Hi Kirsty and :welcome:

You've been through some really tough times, but hopefully the forums can help you feel a bit better and maybe put your life back on track. It's a really friendly place where everyone has some stories to tell :)
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,421
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
hi Kirsty and :welcome:

You've had a really rough time in life haven't you? :hug1: none of it is your fault and I'm sorry you feel so much self-hatred.

I think maybe the best way of looking at a PD diagnosis is to see it as difficulties we have in functioning and with relationships as a result of our upbringing and life experiences. A lot of people with PD diagnoses have had a very traumatic life. There's a lot of misinformation on the net and I agree it can be confusing.

Have you been offered any psychotherapy to help you?

Hope you find the forum helpful x
 
K

Kirsty_87

Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Stoke-on-Trent
hi Kirsty and :welcome:

You've had a really rough time in life haven't you? :hug1: none of it is your fault and I'm sorry you feel so much self-hatred.

I think maybe the best way of looking at a PD diagnosis is to see it as difficulties we have in functioning and with relationships as a result of our upbringing and life experiences. A lot of people with PD diagnoses have had a very traumatic life. There's a lot of misinformation on the net and I agree it can be confusing.

Have you been offered any psychotherapy to help you?

Hope you find the forum helpful x
This doctor I have seen has refered me to psychotheraphy and put me on Quetiapine...but im finding with this medication im having nightmares every time I go 2 sleep...

Thank you both for your kind words...it feels so good to talk to people who understand what Im going through :) x x
 
rubyrose

rubyrose

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 13, 2013
Messages
1,323
Location
Where flowers bloom
Hello and welcome, Kirsty. I'm very sorry to hear you've been through all this. I hope you find this place safe, warm, and helpful. :hug1:
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 1, 2014
Messages
3,651
Location
here
Hi Kirsty,
Welcome.
I hope you find the support you need.
:)
 
Mark_01

Mark_01

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2013
Messages
2,593
Location
California
Hi, Kirsty_87, welcome to the forum. I hope you like it here. Am sure you'll find people who have had similar lives. Your words are welcome.
 
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