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My mum's depression is severely affecting my mental health

A

ASLight

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2017
Messages
2
Hi everyone,

I’m living a complex personal and family-related situation that is dragging me down real bad, and I would appreciate some input. Long story short, my father was diagnosed with a bran tumor a few months ago. These last months have been really hard for my family (my parents and my sister) as we all have been fighting together and gone through many difficult situations (two brain surgeries, endless doctor visits, long stays at the hospital…); the problem is that due to this situation, my mum has developed a severe mixed anxiety-depressive disorder.

She has dealt with mild depression and low self-esteem her entire life, but this time is far worse. The problem is that due to this depression, most days my mum is not psychologically capable of taking care of my dad’s needs (he needs some help with daily tasks such as med control, showering, cooking food…), and she spends most mornings just crying or talking through the phone with my aunts about how bad she feels, to a point where she is not willing to make a single effort to take care of herself. To make things worse, my sister has a shitty attitude, as she has never understood what mental health problems are or how big of a burden depression can put on someone’s shoulders, so the only thing she does is to blame my mum for her attitude and be constantly angry with her. In the case of my dad, due to the brain tumor his attitude towards my mother has completely changed, and every time she has a mental crisis, he gets angry towards her and pretty sad as he thinks he’s the one to blame for my mum’s situation. All this has created a shit of a situation, as most days the routine back at my parents place can be summed up in my mum spending the mornings crying, my sister blaming her for the situation and my dad not understanding what the hell is going on and wondering why my mum cannot take care of him and support him with his cancer.

From my side, I’m trying to do as much as I can to solve the situation, but I feel so fucking hopeless right now as nothing seems to work. I’ve supported my mum with her depression and low self-esteem during my whole life, and during these last months I’ve been even more on top of her, even paying for a psychologist and a psychiatrist for her, both of which seem not to be having any positive effect on her yet. The problem is that due to work, I live abroad with my girlfriend, so every time there’s a serious situation back at home (and this is every couple of days) my only way of trying to deal with it is through the phone or by making a 8-hour trip back home to try and calm everyone down. I’ve been doing as much as I can, skipping some of my work and daily responsibilities in order to deal with the situation back at home, but I feel like I’m reaching my limit. These last few weeks I’ve been feeling a really strong anxiety, I wake up every day with a strong feeling of fear and just expecting the worst, I cannot focus at work at all and my relationship with my girlfriend, whom I was planning to marry and start a family with real soon, is taking a toll as well. I’ve even considered going back home for some time, but that would mean leaving my girlfriend alone, being exposed to the situation 24/7, and, worst of all, losing my job, something I really cannot afford right now.

I don’t consider myself a selfish person, but the situation is so unbearable that at this point, I just feel like not giving a real shit about it anymore and just cut all ties with my family for the sake of my mental health, my work and my life in general, but I don’t really know if I’d be able to carry on living with the consequences of that decision, specially taking into account my dad’s cancer.

And that’s basically it, just wanted to vent and let it off my chest. I’m really appreciated to all those who make it till the end of this post.
 
B

Bod

Former member
Joined
Jul 19, 2021
Messages
7,860
Location
Pretty Good
I really am sorry that you are suffering like this so much and your family life too, my elderly mother has dementia and running around like a blue arsed fly was and had taken it's toll on my mental health badly so I got a lot sorted out by getting my mother 5 carers everyday as for me I had to pull right back and I do not feel selfish at all as we have to look after our selfs first and foremost. I would stay with your girl friend and carry on working as you would lose a lot if it all went wrong sadly, I think you would benefit from pulling right back for your own mental health.
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,596
Location
Scotland
Well it sounds like your mum is fairly unwell and needing assessment and treatment in her own right. This needs to be expedited either by you or your sister. Does not sound like mum is in a place where she can take on your father's care needs at the moment so an alternative form of support
is going to be needed. Oh I don't think it would be right for youvt9 pull back - that will only make things more precarious. Maybe you have someone who would discuss things with you and help to promote good decision making. This will hopefully leave you feeling calmer. Good luck.
 

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