My Mother's Words From 5 Years Ago Still Hurt Me Today

Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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Jul 15, 2018
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187
#1
Hi everyone,

I am going back home very soon, so I wanted to get this off my chest and maybe get some advice.

To give a brief background behind this, I have always had a distant relationship with my parents. I think a big reason for this is because they are busy with work or doing something else. The way I think just seems completely different compared to them. I especially clash with my mom a lot on our differences.

This isn't to say that my parents are bad. In fact, they're really great. They have sacrificed a lot for me and they have supported me a great deal. However, it doesn't seem like my mom is open about talking about mental health (especially if it's about me). I started suffering from depressive episodes and had suicidal ideation in highschool. They didn't know about this until five years ago when they found out about my suicidal ideation from a third party. I had to be seen by a therapist, but my parents weren't very keen on this.

My mom kept saying that I just wanted attention and that I wasn't actually suicidal or that I had emotional struggles. She told me to just get better already and that it would be embarrassing if I had to take medicine for this. It seemed like she wanted me to stop therapy because I wasn't getting better right away.. so I decided to lie to my therapist about getting better and stopped my sessions. I just wanted to make my parents happy.

The words my mom told me has been the most heartbreaking thing anyone has ever said to me. The most horrible part of this is that my passive death wish has only increased since then. I have been able to self-reflect a lot and I understand myself and my emotional struggles to a greater extent. Because of this, my mom's words hurt me even more than the first time I heard them. Her words haunt me every night and thinking about it can instantly make me tear up. It just told me a lot about her priorities. Why did she care more about how other people viewed the situation than about my actual health?

They are honestly very good parents and they do a lot for me. They're good people with good morals, and I don't want to blame them for anything. But at the same time, I feel like I have started to resent them because of what happened.

This resentment recently intensified last year when I asked to get therapy again. This was because I had suicidal intent during the summer and I had started making a plan (I was able to stop because of my supportive friends). I had gathered the courage to ask my mom for help because I wanted to get better and I was afraid that I might get suicidal intent again. I was completely ignored. She didn't even look at me or acknowledge anything that I had to say. What should I have expected?

I haven't spoken to my parents about my mental health since then. They pretend that I am perfectly happy. I do sympathise with both of them though.. it's difficult when you find out your daughter has been suicidal. But no matter how much I understand the psychology behind their actions (and inactions), I can't help but feel so sad and sometimes even angry.

I have mixed feelings towards my family now. I don't want to resent them, but I feel that I might be starting to. What should I do? Should I try to talk to them about how I felt hurt, or just never mention my mental health again? It just sucks that the people I thought would support me just ended up ignoring my emotional struggles. But maybe if I try again, they might give me support?
 
Not_Crazy_Yet

Not_Crazy_Yet

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#2
That's tough. No doubt about that. In my experience people don't understand mental health issues and they don't know what to say or do. It's also very stigmatized in our society sadly. Having mental health issues isn't a choice. It's an illness. No one is ashamed when their loved one gets cancer. So why should they be embarrassed when we are mentally ill? But they are. It's unfortunate but it's factual.

My advise would be to seek counseling. Whether or not you involve them in that is your own call. I try to talk about my schizophrenia with my family and they always change the subject. Such is our cross to bear I suppose.

Whatever your choice I wish you the best. Take care.

If you are in crisis I would advise you to go directly to A&E or dial 999. There is almost always someone online here to talk as well.
 
R

Rusalochka

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#3
I relate to this SO MUCH. I love my parents, but at the same time they're very guilty with how they've treated me. If I do try to bring it up to them, they'll twist everything around and BLAME ME.

It's crazy.

I think therapy would help. Be honest in therapy. I had a good therapist once and I wish I was more honest with him. It helps to finally have someone you can talk to, especially when you're able to share all the things you've been through.

I think your parents are being selfish. You're going through a lot. And even though it's hard for them to realize what it's like to deal with depression/suicidal thoughts, they should at least try to understand because you're their daughter. They should realize that they're putting you in more danger when they ignore your troubles.
 
A

Avidreader9559

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Feb 15, 2018
Messages
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#4
I am so sorry that your parents are not supportive like you need them to be. That is so hard to bear. Would it be possible that your mom thinks your struggles are somehow a reflection of her and her parenting? If so, that might be one reason she has trouble facing it. I agree with a pp. Mental illness has such a stigma. People don't know how to talk about it. I also agree that counseling can be very helpful. I had a counselor who allowed me to be completely honest about my struggles, and he helped me to change my perspective on so much. I no longer had to hold everything in, and I had support. It was so healing. Once I was supported, it was easier to let go of the hurt caused by the people who didn't understand. I hope you can find the support you are seeking. Hugs for you.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
187
#5
That's tough. No doubt about that. In my experience people don't understand mental health issues and they don't know what to say or do. It's also very stigmatized in our society sadly. Having mental health issues isn't a choice. It's an illness. No one is ashamed when their loved one gets cancer. So why should they be embarrassed when we are mentally ill? But they are. It's unfortunate but it's factual.

My advise would be to seek counseling. Whether or not you involve them in that is your own call. I try to talk about my schizophrenia with my family and they always change the subject. Such is our cross to bear I suppose.

Whatever your choice I wish you the best. Take care.

If you are in crisis I would advise you to go directly to A&E or dial 999. There is almost always someone online here to talk as well.
More than anything, I think I just want my struggles to be acknowledged. I feel like they're trying to dress me up as this perfect little doll. As if ignoring it will fix me. I know mental illness is really stigmatized, especially from the society my parents grew up in. I've decided to not talk to them about this. I already have bad blood with my mom. My parents have taken care of my physical needs, but my emotional needs have been ignored for the last 20 years. We won't ever see eye to eye, and I'll never be able to trust them completely. I might as well salvage what's left of my relationship with my family. I am going to therapy without their support.

And thank you. I hope I won't get into the position where I'd need to dial for a crisis. I am mostly just going through life unmotivated.

I relate to this SO MUCH. I love my parents, but at the same time they're very guilty with how they've treated me. If I do try to bring it up to them, they'll twist everything around and BLAME ME.

It's crazy.

I think therapy would help. Be honest in therapy. I had a good therapist once and I wish I was more honest with him. It helps to finally have someone you can talk to, especially when you're able to share all the things you've been through.

I think your parents are being selfish. You're going through a lot. And even though it's hard for them to realize what it's like to deal with depression/suicidal thoughts, they should at least try to understand because you're their daughter. They should realize that they're putting you in more danger when they ignore your troubles.
Yeah, I feel bad about saying this but I feel like my parents can sometimes be manipulative. Everything is always my fault. My mom keeps calling me fat every 5 minutes. I get that I am getting overweight, but using blame and guilt doesn't motivate me to lose weight. It just makes me feel bad. And if something goes wrong, she somehow ties it in with my weight. She says that girls are supposed to be pretty and thin and "presentable to men". Ugh. I've tried telling her how much it hurts me, but she's relentless with the fat shaming. I feel like if I were to starve myself for days and became anorexic, she'd be happy and wouldn't care if I was going to die.

Thanks, I am hoping to see my therapist more when I leave my parent's house. Might look into some free services though. It does take a load off when you can share with someone.

I am so sorry that your parents are not supportive like you need them to be. That is so hard to bear. Would it be possible that your mom thinks your struggles are somehow a reflection of her and her parenting? If so, that might be one reason she has trouble facing it. I agree with a pp. Mental illness has such a stigma. People don't know how to talk about it. I also agree that counseling can be very helpful. I had a counselor who allowed me to be completely honest about my struggles, and he helped me to change my perspective on so much. I no longer had to hold everything in, and I had support. It was so healing. Once I was supported, it was easier to let go of the hurt caused by the people who didn't understand. I hope you can find the support you are seeking. Hugs for you.
I do think a large part of her ignoring my problems is that she might feel guilty that it's her fault and that she was a bad parent. I think she also has or had some kind of mental illness, but I don't if she was diagnosed or if she just didn't tell me. My current issue with counselling is that I wouldn't be able to get it frequently because of money + time restraints. Maybe online counselling might be better? I don't think talking to my family will make things better, so I do want to learn to let go. I just end up an angry mess and fight with them all the time. Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. I am learning to support myself more and more everyday by learning to relax and not dig into myself too much.
 
A

Avidreader9559

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Joined
Feb 15, 2018
Messages
12
#6
"I am learning to support myself more and more everyday by learning to relax and not dig into myself too much."

That is a big step IMO. When I learned how to just accept who I was, then it was so much easier than beating myself up with words all of the time. Good for you!
 
antimatterTek

antimatterTek

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Joined
Aug 6, 2018
Messages
82
Location
USA
#7
People in general do not like talking about mental illness on any tier of knowledge and acceptance. Your parents are probably worse for it because they have seen you grow up and they did not catch the illness or they may feel like it is their fault.

Also, there is so much pressure these days with social media and how fast word travels - your parents probably do not want to be labeled as the couple with the suicidal kid.

Before you get involved in online therapy - do your homework and check reviews and backgrounds. Also, be very sure about how payment is involved. I just ducked out of a $270 a month therapeutic endeavor.

If you have friends, talk to them. Write in a journal to explore your thoughts. Create stuff - paintings, art, crafts, drawings, etc. They don't have to be good, it is the act itself that is therapeutic and I bet it would give you more confidence in yourself accomplishing creative feats.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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Joined
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Messages
187
#8
I am not very kind to myself, but I do think I am getting better. A big part of it has been me accepting that I am queer and that there’s nothing wrong with that.

And I do understand that this all hard on them. The part that I can’t forgive is that they didn’t support me. Instead, I was shunned and labelled an attention seeker who was actually fine. I would have understood if they kept quiet about it to others if they still supported me and encouraged me about getting therapy etc. Am I expecting too much here?
 
A

Avidreader9559

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Joined
Feb 15, 2018
Messages
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#9
I do not think you are expecting too much. I have learned though that sometimes I expect things from people that they are either unable or unwilling to give. I can't change that, but I can control what I say, think, and do. I can find support elsewhere, which is what I had to do. Praying that you find the support you need so that you can continue to grow. Hugs!