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My mother has let me down

SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

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Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
114
Location
USA
Today while my mom and I were having brunch, she got a surprise phone call about appearing on a game show (I won't say which one for her sake), but she immediately turned it down. I asked her why she would pass up such an opportunity up and she said it was because "she looks ugly" and "our house is a mess". This obviously broke my heart because I'm always rooting for my mother in whatever she does, but this time it broke me emotionally. I know we're supposed to be cautious with those who are insecure but something about what she said made me angry. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing because this woman raised me to be polite and kind person and now she's literally sinking herself into the depths of despair. I tried to explain to her why she shouldn't be so hard on herself and how I much wish she'd take her own advice. Funny thing is, she has said the same thing to me countless times! It honestly didn't matter what I said, she still made sure she threw it back in my face. Now, my mother had a difficult childhood. She grew up the youngest of five siblings without a father and a mother who was a hoarder and a widow. My grandmother was always getting her hair done and was neglectful of my mother.

I can see why her childhood might've traumatized her considering my now estranged aunt would bully her. It has been especially since she found my uncle died because nobody notified her, she found out by chance. Growing up, my mother would ridicule herself or refuse to take photos as a family. This obviously affected because I too suffer from a mental disorder and a skin condition which makes me self-conscious. Today I finally put my foot down because despite my encouraging words, they fell on deaf ears. She made me feel so helpless and she didn't even care how I felt, she just told me to "be quiet" and to "stop talking about it". I'm an adult woman and yet, she still patronizes me like I have no idea what I'm talking about. Not only that, my dad's a jerk towards her as well. She's had suffer at the hands of him for years and has continuously held her back. She even regrets staying with him but only stayed because she wanted to have children, which she admitted was selfish.

I know I shouldn't be talking about something so personally, but as someone who's dealing with her own issues, it has only made me feel like a burden. My mom always wants my opinion on things and now I'm too afraid to share anything with her because I'm afraid I'll say something wrong. Despite having a close connection to my mom, I don't feel like I truly know her as a person, just as my mom. Does that make sense? I all know her for how invested she was in my brother and I's growing up years, but I haven't seen her for who she really is. My dad has honestly sucked her personality dry and only occasionally and conventionally says "thank you" or "I love you". I just honestly give up and I don't care anymore. If my mom is going to push me away and then tell me how my "feelings" aren't real but then go on a tangent about how nobody cares about her and how she's hideous.

My mom has just let me down and now I'm ready to move out. Sorry, for the long rant but I'm disappointed right now. Any advice that can help pull me through until I'm officially on my own? Thank you.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Reading that made me feel so sad for your mum. It is a strange thing that as we become adults, become beautiful, they start to look less 'beautiful'. It is very hard for some of them and this might be an issue you will have to help her through now. Some women don't care much how they look, but my mum, it has really affected her confidence, her happiness, her mood, everything. No photo's, doesn't want to go to many parties, she wants to rest and be herself and please herself. I think it is all tied together.

She says the world is rude to older women, she feels like she doesn't exist as people started to look at me and ask me what i wanted to eat in a cafe, and not ask her.

I'm already getting older now but it is not a problem for me yet. I am sure as my teeth get more stained and hair more grey, i will find it hard too.

As we get older we become the mother sometimes, and we need to help them with things, make them lunch, if we go shopping we need to let them sit down at a table while we go and get the coffees. It all changes.

I think your mum only needed a hug from you.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Location
London, ON
So, you are blaming her for having her own issues? I may have missed something there, but you being angry at her for not taking the game show invitation seems pretty unfair.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Nashua NH
Your mother may have pushed back because you were broaching sensitive topics that she did not want to discuss with you or probably anyone. I would not take it personally and give her the respect and space that she desires. Otherwise you are at risk of becoming another one of those people who have taxed and overburdened her. do, j
 
M

Mistral

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Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
354
As we grow older we often have to accept that people we looked up to as kids are in reality just as imperfect as the rest of us.

Also, not every old lady always welcomes being helped to across the road. Does that mean you get angry with them if they refuse help?
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

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Mar 20, 2020
Messages
114
Location
USA
So, you are blaming her for having her own issues? I may have missed something there, but you being angry at her for not taking the game show invitation seems pretty unfair.
Okay, let me break it down for you. I think you missed a lot of points because if you understood, you wouldn't have say those things. Second, I explained that I wasn't angry at her for not taking the opportunity, but because nothing I say seems to help her. Why do you bother if you're always finding a way to poke holes in everything I say? I never said that she was to blame for my issues once! I was merely explaining how difficult it is to live with a mother who shares the same dynamic as you!

Imagine you're a child who is an alcoholic with a parent is also an alcoholic, that parent will enable that child to drink. Now, what if you're a child with a low-self esteem with a parent with a low self-esteem? It becomes difficult because you both share the same feelings, struggles, etc. I hope you understand because even if I didn't explain it clearly, that's what I meant to say.
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
114
Location
USA
Your mother may have pushed back because you were broaching sensitive topics that she did not want to discuss with you or probably anyone. I would not take it personally and give her the respect and space that she desires. Otherwise you are at risk of becoming another one of those people who have taxed and overburdened her. do, j
I have tried countless times to make sure I don't overwhelm her in any way. It's also one of the reasons I've grown depressed and detached from my family. A part of the reason why I struggle with a low self-esteem is from feeling like a burden to my family, especially my mom. When I feel like my efforts are only making things worse, I got back inside my shell. When you yourself are going through struggles while struggling to help your loved ones as well, it can wear you out very quickly. I honestly don't want to fail her and when I become frustrated, I feel like a villain. I already feel like I'm someone she hates anyway.
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
114
Location
USA
As we grow older we often have to accept that people we looked up to as kids are in reality just as imperfect as the rest of us.

Also, not every old lady always welcomes being helped to across the road. Does that mean you get angry with them if they refuse help?
My mom is only 57, I should've explained that!
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
114
Location
USA
Reading that made me feel so sad for your mum. It is a strange thing that as we become adults, become beautiful, they start to look less 'beautiful'. It is very hard for some of them and this might be an issue you will have to help her through now. Some women don't care much how they look, but my mum, it has really affected her confidence, her happiness, her mood, everything. No photo's, doesn't want to go to many parties, she wants to rest and be herself and please herself. I think it is all tied together.

She says the world is rude to older women, she feels like she doesn't exist as people started to look at me and ask me what i wanted to eat in a cafe, and not ask her.

I'm already getting older now but it is not a problem for me yet. I am sure as my teeth get more stained and hair more grey, i will find it hard too.

As we get older we become the mother sometimes, and we need to help them with things, make them lunch, if we go shopping we need to let them sit down at a table while we go and get the coffees. It all changes.

I think your mum only needed a hug from you.
I'll be sure to hug next time. I just wish I knew what to say, I'm only trying to help her feel better is all. I don't want her to think I'm gaining up on her, I just hate seeing her like this.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
354
My mom is only 57, I should've explained that!
I was speaking about the proverbial "old lady crossing the road". Not specifically about your mother. It is where someone sees a person they think needs help and insists on helping them disregarding whether they want the help or not. It was probably not a very good example to use as I can see how it could be taken literally in this case.
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
114
Location
USA
I was speaking about the proverbial "old lady crossing the road". not about your mother. It is where someone sees a person they think needs help and insists on helping them even if that person does not want their help.
How do you have your forum taken down because I regret sharing this because it has only made me feel worse.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
Messages
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Location
London, ON
Why do you bother if you're always finding a way to poke holes in everything I say?
Uh, what? You're going to have to point out when all those times were, because I don't remember saying much to you, ever, much less constantly poking holes in what you say.

I'm going to point out that I accused you of nothing -I asked a question, for you to clarify.
I never said that she was to blame for my issues once!
I didn't say you did.

What I'm seeing is you making empty accusations.

I'm sorry, but it seems unfair to me to be upset with your mother for sharing many of your issues. I understand that it's hard for you, and that you need to vent. I feel that you need to do some work to figure out the complex and flawed dynamic between you and your mother, even if it only happens occasionally.

LEtting yourself get angry isn't good for you.
I hope you understand because even if I didn't explain it clearly, that's what I meant to say.
I can only go by what you actually say, I can't guess that you mean something entirely different.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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England
Please don't regret it, you love her, you wanted to help her, that is extremely clear from your post. Please don't feel embarrased about anything, read my journal! i moan about by mum every other day. I completely understood what you were saying, i think i just felt that sometimes words are not needed, just a hug.

It is important that you feel free to write how you feel and don't worry about what we all think, we are just people with opinions. you choose the one you agree with and ignore the rest of us. It is only a conversation, an anonymous one which is the best type.
 
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