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My Mother - Am I the one in the wrong? Wall of Text, sorry.

Bunraku

Bunraku

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
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1
Hello, I'm new here; Sorry if I'm not accustomed to the how-to's and how-not-to's of these forums yet. ._."

I didn't intend for this to be a wall of text, either. I just rabble. I've never really spoken to anyone about anything so I don't actually know how to briefly touch on anything.

I wont go into detail on things, but I had a severely difficult upbringing thanks to my 'Dad', my Mom was never laid a finger on, but she's the type to consistently play herself as the victim in any circumstance. She knew in advance about things that were going to be done to me, but never attempted to protect me or get me out.

After a divorce when I was about 10, she blamed me for her staying with him so long. Played herself the victim to her side of the family, I was just pushed aside, etc.

Anyway, I've been suffering with being mentally unstable for almost my entire life - I was diagnosed as having Manic Depression when I was 16 (after a long horrible teen life of being suicidal, cutting, missing school, etc) it was also suspected I had mild Schizophrenia and/or Bipolar disorder. That was then, and now I've developed new issues that I need to be seen for. (Hallucinations, Insomnia, Agoraphobia, Severe Anxiety etc.)

So naturally, I was put down as disabled - The severity is at the point that I've been 'deemed unfit for work' as I'm a hazard not only to myself but to others. I am on 250mg's of sertraline, though it doesn't often do much for me, my doctor can't prescribe higher. (I did try and go to the adult mental health clinic here, but just like the CAHMS here, they're completely and utterly disgraceful. So I have to get money together to go private elsewhere.)

I don't hate my Mother. Not necessarily. I just don't like her. Y'know, as a person. And due to the lack of support from family (not really their fault, my Mother has spun a web of lies and pity her way from all of them since I was little) I'm not exactly a 'family' type of person.

I can't speak to any of them about how impossible she is, or how I feel - because they're so ingrained into seeing her as the victim of everything. I briefly mentioned some of the truth to my Nan a few months ago, and she was utterly disgusted with my Mom (Basically, how my Mom was never touched by my Dad, and I was beaten to a pulp for fun, not just for punishment. And how my Mom always knew when it was coming, yet never tried to protect me). I asked her not to say anything about it though, because I'm not a fan of drama.

There was also an incident around 3 years ago, where after finally letting down my walls to someone for the first time in my life - they used me as a doormat and utterly destroyed me. I'm somewhat grateful for this though, because though some describe me as cold and heartless now, I personally feel much safer and wiser. It did of course somewhat worsen my mental stability, but I don't like to dwell. I just deal with it.

So, the reason I'm actually posting - is this: My Mother is, in my opinion, completely f*cking delusional and wants me to be an adoring daughter. She wants to be best friends. Despite us constantly clashing and me feeling sick even having her around for longer than necessary. I can't really explain it, she just makes me very, very uncomfortable. It's as though I have a deep seeded distaste for her, but she's my Mother, so I can't just shut her down.

Many of you will probably turn on me for saying this because "She's your Mother, she raised you!", but the fact is I'm not telling you everything here. I could write my life story down here and all of the things she's done and you'd very much rally against her, but that's not why I'm here.

I'm getting disability, and PIP. I believe I'm on the high rate for both, but, you know - in the scale of things, it's still not a lot compared to people who are actually stable enough to find work and earn a living.

I've been looking into moving out since last year, but I have a dog. I can't go anywhere without her otherwise I just end up frozen in the middle of a crowd unable to breathe. She's my complete support in every way and I don't even think I'd still be here if not for her. She's completely gotten rid of my suicidal thoughts because any time I'm feeling that way inclined I immediately think "What about her". (Responsibility can be a beautiful thing sometimes)

Suffice to say, finding somewhere to live that's not in a completely inconvenient location that isn't shared with other people and allows a big dog, isn't easy. Especially somewhere that is actually within my price range, that actually accepts disability. (Pretty disgusting that some places reject it, it's not like I don't want to be normal)

I made the fatal mistake of mentioning that I'd become even more distant to my Mom once I finally do move out - and what with her having an unrealistic expectation of me being someone that I'm not (emotionally) she threw a fit and acted like I'm the worst person in the world.

Honestly? I hate that. I hate that family expect things. I hate that I can't just walk out of here and not look back without having a million consequences of my Mother throwing a hissy fit. The last time I tried to civilly speak to her about all the unreasonable things she does, she stood up and cried about it instead of actually speaking - then acted as though I should be reeling with guilt over it.

We literally had an argument tonight, a completely one-sided argument I might add that as usual defied any kind of logic. Then of course, later on, when I've removed myself from it, she asks me if MY mood is okay now. When she's the one who started shouting for no good reason.

Is it normal that I get sick to my stomach over the thought of having to spend any more time than necessary with my Mother? That I don't want to speak to her, I don't want to know. She doesn't know who I am, she knows nothing about me, and honestly doesn't even care to. She knows a person who doesn't exist, that she's made up in her head - the person that she wishes I was, the person I never will be.

Maybe I should also make up an imaginary family that I could actually consider myself close to because they didn't sh*t on me for my entire life, but that'd be unrealistic and serve no purpose.

I buy my own food, yet she usually eats it/drinks it. Even if it's something she's previously claimed to 'hate'. Growing up, she kept all the child-support for herself, and now - she's self proclaimed herself as my 'carer' despite me doing everything for myself.

The few things I do need help with, which should be down to her because she's my apparent 'carer' she never does. It takes her about 6 months or more to do anything I've asked her to, and if I ask her about it what so ever before it's done, it becomes an argument because God forbid you ever accuse her of being guilty of anything.

Because of this, though, I'm confident I'm now capable of living alone. Y'know, once I can drive, actually have a car, and can have my dog with me. (I'm scared to death of public transport, I'm in the process of getting myself a disability badge and perhaps mobility under mental instability circumstances rather than physical, seeing as I can't even walk down a street of people without my entire chest caving in on itself.)

ANYWAY, back on point - my question is, am I the one who's in the wrong? Is it so wrong of me to have disdain for my Mom after all that she's done, and most of all, the things she didn't do when it counted?

What happens when I can finally find a place that'll accept me and my dog, and I move out? I'm a bit lost, really. As cold as people think I've become, I still don't like unnecessary drama. As much as I don't want to see my Mom anymore, or have to call her - I don't want to just metaphorically give my entire family the finger.

I don't really blame them for not supporting me, I didn't reach out while my Mom was manipulating all of them. They didn't know, and actually still don't. And when it actually came down to it, my Nan was extremely supportive of me when I was having to go through being diagnosed and seeing all those utterly useless and incompetent psychiatrists. It's just a bit difficult because I can't speak to any of them about my Mom, because they all fiercely back her up.

Also note, I haven't actually been outside in about 4-5 years. After I was asked to leave College for the sake of my own health, I just became a complete recluse. I'm also having a major surgery next month, and then will be in 'recovery' for up to 2 years. I'm hoping after that period, I'll get some confidence back, but I honestly don't know anymore. Will it be too late to live by then?

TL;DR Is continuing to live with a family member who is making your mental stability drastically worse your own fault?

Also, if anyone has any insight on finding housing that allows pets please dear God let me know. I initially got my dog to train her as a mental health dog, but they're not officially recognized in this country yet - so none of the organizations here will actually examine her.

Edit: Just thought I'd quickly add some facts about my dog incase people jump to assumptions - I paid for her, I pay her vet bills, I pay her insurance, I pay for her food. Just like I pay for my own. (Adding this because someone might attack me saying "Well your Mom bought you a dog, stop complaining.")
 
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notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
No one's going to tell you to stop complaining.

My brief thoughts: It would not only be perfectly reasonable, but a bloody good idea for you to move out.
 

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