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My mind is broken. Please help.

O

omkar529

New member
Joined
May 22, 2017
Messages
3
I don't know if this will make any sense.

I'm a 20 years old guy. I'll start from what I think is the beginning. When I was around 13, there were several times where people in my school (both guys and girls) commented that I had an ugly face (I'm a guy), several times where girls gave me disgusted looks & all this was pretty hurtful & a blow to my already weak confidence (I've always been socially a bit weak).

I never wanted to look ugly again, and in the quest to 'change' myself I did something to my mindset, I don't know how to explain, but since then it's like my mind is on high alert & I always try to make sure that my overall appearance/behavior in social situations looks good & not ugly anymore. My sister recently said my behavior at home apparently changed, right when this happened. As the years went by I started to feel more and more 'stiff' when I was with other people, especially in my school/college. I think I started becoming very self conscious or something of my face/appearance. Back then I thought this was just me being shy. I also started getting bothered more and more by what I thought were 'intrusive' thoughts. I vaguely remember having trouble expressing myself, and I guess I still do. I was still able to live a normal-ish life, but was struggling more and more.

P.S. I didn't acknowledge or think about any of this^ back then, I'm trying to 'remember' how I felt, I don't know if I'm supposed to.

Fast forward to 2013, my mindset got really bad, I'm not able to explain it very well, but my general thinking is totally messed up, it's affecting every smallest thing I do, I know I'm not thinking naturally at all, despite all this 'feeling' normal to me. I'm not enjoying or focusing or performing like I used to, or supposed to. I felt too aware about everything. I have had really bad anxieties and 'intrusive thoughts' about things that nobody ever has, which is the only thing I felt was wrong with me, until 6 months ago where I started considering that there might be something else behind all this, since I couldn't escape these thoughts and finally enjoy life no matter how hard I tried.

I feel like I do things differently and not naturally, driven by my broken mind, especially expressing myself, verbally or like this on the internet, or in my mind. I constantly sub-consciously put myself in a lot of social situations, or by myself, in my mind where I look good doing something or saying something. Some of my simplest habits are badly affected, like eating & showering.

I still think like I have that 'social anxiety' or whatever that I mentioned in the beginning, but a more sophisticated version of it. It feels like all the 'intrusive' thoughts and anxieties that have been affecting me exist because my mind is so messed up that I forgot what made that simple thought okay before. And I definitely feel like I'm overly aware & conscious of whatever is happening to me. There's just so much stress. I've just been thinking and thinking since 6 months about what has happened to me and here we are.

I go to a psychologist thinking I'll try to say all this, but when I sit in front of her, all these thoughts just feel wrong to me, like they make no sense and there's no point in saying such things. There's absolutely no sense of urgency or anything, probably because like I said, this horrible mindset is normal to me.

Please help. What has happened to me ?
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,752
Location
Europe
It does sound like anxiety of some sort which is driving these things. Have you tried writing things down for your psychologist and just letting her read what you think is wrong with you. That would make it easier for you to compose your thoughts and present them clearly.

For example, you say your eating and showering are affected. But you don't say how - a psychologist will definitely want to know.

One thing I would advise is that you start looking at acceptance and love, of yourself by others but also of yourself by yourself. A lot of anxiety is founded on these attitudes, of perhaps seeing a hostile world or thinking you won't be accepted. If you can find out the attitudes deep in your mind you can work on changing them.
 
O

omkar529

New member
Joined
May 22, 2017
Messages
3
@Kerome Thanks for replying, writing things down feels like the same as expressing verbally, it just feels very unnatural to write these things and there's no sense of urgency, for some reason typing these broken thoughts on the internet feels more normal for the time being. I am going to send her this.
As far my eating and showering habit is concerned, I now chew my food about 50 times before swallowing and I can't apply soap like I used to, the rhythm & habit is just gone.
 
R

Rick(amateur)

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Joined
Jun 4, 2017
Messages
274
Location
Vancouver, Canada
In our society, we are always desperately trying to fit in and not be different. Often times, we change ourselves to make that possible and, in doing so, we harm ourselves by being someone we're not. From reading your post, it seems like you kept changing to suit other people and neglected yourself. It's very common as people are afraid of being lonely since we are social creatures.

I agree with Kerome that you should write down these things. I know it's not easy but, like everything in life, practice makes perfect. It's clear you want to change all of this but you won't get results until you put time and effort into it. I also recommend writing a journal, online or on paper, where you get your thoughts on there. Don't worry about perfect grammar or all of that. It's nice to vent once in awhile and you can always go back to see what you jotted down.

I myself have been dealing with similar issue where I'm not living my life. I tried so hard to meet the expectations of my parents that I refused to listen to my inner voice. The voice that tells me what I want to do and what my dreams are. I now do vlogs where I dig into my past to find the real me. After all these years, I've built all these walls around me and now I must take them down. The walls only hurt me so I've decided to do the right thing and find out who I am.

Not sure if this helps or not but I'm happy to chat if you want to discuss some more. Good luck and have a great day! :)
 
F

FindPeaceWithMeditation

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 5, 2016
Messages
79
Hi omkar,
Sorry to hear you're dealing with this anxiety. I'm 21 and my anxiety began when I was about 15. We’ve had very similar experience. I became extremely self conscious in social situations and was constantly bothered by intrusive thoughts. I became very numb and my constant anxiety and depression did start to feel "normal" because I was so used to it.
It may sound counterintuitive, but to overcome your anxiety, you must accept it. Clinging to frustration and fear about your mind, thinking something’s “wrong” with you, is just making the situation much worse. I’m sure you’ve experienced for yourself that fighting anxiety just makes it worse. You get a thought, then you react to the thought and think more and more about it. It’s a vicious cycle. And this cycle continues because of our pushing away, fearing, hating the thoughts and anxiety. It is not thoughts or anxiety that keep this cycle going – it’s our response to them. If you respond with fear and aversion, you don’t allow yourself to see clearly. It’s like avoiding the “monster in the closet”, conjuring up all these scary ideas about it, when if you just looked at it, you’d see it’s just a sweater. If you just look at the thought or feeling, just watch it and see it for what it is, it begins to lose its power over you. You realize there’s no reason to fear it, and that it has no power you don’t give to it.
So this is what I mean by acceptance. We often get frustrated because life “shouldn’t be this way” or we are very fearful about the fact that something is “wrong” with us. These are both judgments that aren’t based in reality. If you focus on the present moment, how life actually is and accept it, then: 1) you stop exerting so much energy fighting your situation, which only exhausts you and deprives your mind of the rest it needs. 2) You begin to see reality as it is, and so you begin to gain a clear understanding of it which leads to peace.
Something very important for acceptance is to be kind to yourself. Do your best to let go of thoughts of being “broken”, something being “wrong” with you, or not being “good enough”. Let go of negative judgments/feelings toward yourself and your situation. Practice giving unconditional love to yourself.
Often we’re so focused on our ideas of “happiness” and “recovery” that we’re constantly living in fantasies of the future instead of living in the present moment. And to gain the clear understanding we need to feel peace, we have to accept reality as it is now. This understanding comes through experience and awareness, not through thinking.
So how do we retrain our minds to accept and observe what arises in our minds instead of reacting to it? The practices of meditation and mindfulness. In breath meditation, you focus on the breath, a sensation which anchors you to the present moment. While focusing on the breath, you observe what’s happening in your mind and body. The more you focus on awareness of what’s actually happening, the less you focus on thought. Mindfulness is basically meditating in your everyday life, in whatever you do. You practice having single-minded attention on whatever is happening or whatever you’re doing. For example, if you’re eating, focus on the sensation of the food. If you’re walking, focus on the sensation in the feet. You’re anchoring yourself to the present moment, training your mind to stay focused on the here and now.
These practices train our minds to let go of thoughts and feelings, something that so many of us don’t know how do, especially those of us with anxiety. When meditating, you gently return your focus to your breath when your mind wanders. Our minds want to hold onto thoughts and feelings or push them away, but instead we let them come and go. So as you practice, you’ll find that thoughts which you normally would think about for days come and go much more easily. They don’t stick like they used to.
I’m living proof that these practices work. I struggled with debilitating anxiety and depression for over five years, then began practicing mindfulness and meditation and I’m now more peaceful than I thought possible. If you’d like more information about these practices, please send me a message!
On the topic of writing, I often write down thoughts or situations that trigger anxiety. It works best to do this very soon after they occur. This helps you to gain awareness of what’s going on in our mind. Don’t worry about it feeling unnatural, and the fact that there’s no “sense of urgency” is actually a good thing. That way you can write more clearly without the writing being too emotionally charged. I usually just write out my thoughts in a very simple and straightforward manner.
Wishing you peace!
 
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