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my mental asylum



Well-known member
May 29, 2010
Asylum is usually associated with madness, but its also a place where people can take refuge, to hide away into a safe place.
I find myself drifting between the two. Alot of the problems i have is about my past and the way ive grew up. Acceptance is something that i find very hard. i deny my past. i deny it so that my past cant influence me ( i know im probably making no sense at all). i feel a change when i think about it. i go into an almost cabbage like state. where i just get to an all time low.
For all those who have read my previous post you will know how devistating the loss of my grandma was. im reflecting on 2 main issues that i just need to vent!. The first one is the day my nan died. She came to me in a dream that night, recreated what had happened into my head. she told me that she had always been scared of dying, and that she did not want to go like this. she told me that she knew she was going to die today but she wished that i was not around to see it. The machines that kept her alive were cruel. she died from a heart attack and stroke occuring at the same time.
the machines pulled her from death 8 times. they forced her to breathe and to feel pain. i hate thinking about it. i felt so helpless, i was only a little girl but i should of atleast done something.
I guess ive never gotten over her death. i still always wish she was here to see me grow up. to be here for my 16th birthday. but i feel a presence and it scares the hell out of me. i guess i just think that she didnt deserve to go. i had no idea how scared she was
the second issue is probably the worst. a life that was stolen. Amanda was a very good friend. she was pretty, 16 years old, doing well in school however she had a boyfriend that was trouble. her parents didnt like it. after an argument she said to her parents that she was going to stay in and cook the dinner wile they went out.
Amanda hung herself, she was found when her parents and 3 little sisters got home. it was a really horrible way to go. she left her family and sisters absolutley distraught.
it hurts me to see that people can get so heavily influenced to kill themselves. ive been to that place and ive tryed to avoid it ever since.
And i guess what i stress to people most is finding a good outcome. when my nan died there was a small good. she was no longer in the amount of pain that she was in. she turned bitter in her last few years after my grandads struggle with cancer. she was lonely. im just glad shes found her inncer peace.
with amanda, i can see no good outcome. My mind is my asylum. it can be a place of complete darkness and torture, or a place of peace and tranquillity. to hide away from everyone else.


The is like the tardis infinite on the inside, full of many rooms, ones you want to avoid ??
but there are rare exquisite places of wonder and imagination, beyond the horizon if you can find them.:tea::tea:
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