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My love left me

I

ifeelpain

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Poland
Hi,
I suffer from depression with anxiety, also OCD.
I need to share my story with someone and maybe hear some advice.
I was in a relationship for almost a year. It ended week ago, should have ended sooner, maybe it would be easier now.
My ex boyfriend and I both have depression, however his is more difficult. I needed attention from him, it's understandable during the relationship, and I needed to spend time with him.
He did not. He have some serious issues, because of which we saw each other once a week/two weeks. He's just not able to interract with people most of the time. When we first met, he was really trying to change that, he thought, that he is over this need of being alone, that he changed, because of love for me. After a month of being together he confessed about his problems. I tried to understand that, I wanted to fight with him, but he didn't. He wasn't going to a therapist or seeing any other doctor about this. He just felt like that's the way he is and that's it.
I really love him, still, so I accepted that and I just couldn't give up on us. So for another months together, it was you know, ups and downs, we supported each other during our mental issues. I started to understand his need of being alone, even though it hurt like hell. The worst part is that love doesn't have to do anything with this. He loved me, but he couldn't just give me these meetings, and that lead to fights. He tried to broke up several times, cause he couldn't be in a relationship anymore, but he never did that. He kept on fighting. During summer, he started to feel better, he even convinced me, that he have his strenght now, and he won't give up. At the end of the summer he decided to go work in another country for a few months. I couldn't deal with this at first, but I knew our love will survive it. He wanted to go there for 6 months, and came back after 3 weeks, cause he wasn't feeling good and couldn't find a job there. After he came back, we spent 3 days together, I was so happy..And then things started to get messy. He couldn't find a job, I was getting worse and so did he. I was in such a bad shape, I couldn't let him go. I was like he or nothing. So when he decided to break up in December, I told him goodbye..I had suicidle thoughts for a month from that time. I was going to harm myself and then he called me and told me he will visit me the next day and that he love me very much and I can't do that to us. So I didn't. After a month of this, a week ago, he broke up with me. I had suicidle attempt. It was the worst thing I could ever do to myself. I was in hospital for 3 days, I didn't need to go to asylum and I am so glad for that. I know this was the wrong thing to do, I have my entire live left. Anyway, he was the one to call the police, my mom and my brother. He wrote to my mom that he can't help me anymore. He gave up.
We had contact with each other during the time I was in hospital, he said he don't love me anymore and that we will never get back together, that we can be only friends, then he said he have feelings for me, that he need me, but as a friend, then he said we can't have contanct, cause it will lead to the same thing, yesterday he said we can have contact once a week, he also said like 50 times that we will never get back together, even though I asked like once or twice. He also said his feelings for me are "I respect you as a person", then he said he don't know what are his feelings now. I know that he cried his eyes out during my time in hospital, I know this is hard for him now too. But I am just lost. I gave him my entire heart, he was my first love, he made me such a better person but also he has worsted out my depression. I know my mistakes, I know I sometimes pushed too hard, I know that my suicidle thoughts was wrong thing to share with him, I just couldn't let him go. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I still can't.
I know we have to give each other time, and best for us is not to talk for a while.
I just can't stop crying, can't forgive myself for what I did. I know I'm a strong person, for putting out with this stuff for that long, I know he tried his best.
But I just don't understand him. He said he forgave me and he has no bad feelings for me, but then he is acting so cold, I know he needs space, what I don't know is why he is changing his mind every second. Does he need to convince himself that he has no feelings for me and don't want to get back with me and that's why he was writing so much about this, is this some kind of disavowal? Is he forcing himself to feel that way to hurt less? I know he is hurting really bad, that's why he don't know what is best for us - stay friends or not.
All I know is I lost my love, my one true love, and that I need to give him time and space. Maybe he will regret this and miss me. Maybe he will find someone better than me. I just can't shake this feeling of how well we were with each other, despite these arguments. How we always came through. How happy we made each other. How similar we are.
I just wish it wasn't over. I just wish that it's not over. I just wish we could work this through.
Can anyone relate to this?
If so, did you get back together?
Can anyone help me understand him and relate to him?
Please, I need advice.
I need to know how to survive this.. How to lose hope for us.
I just feel so much pain, not only in my head. I can literally feel it in my heart and stomach.
I'm begging for any advice.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
J

Just_survival

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
46
Location
London uk
Reading through that it sounds very turbulent from the beginning. It may be that he formed feeling but could see that your depression didn’t help each other. It sounds like you both need more time to find yourselves.

Heartbreak is never easy, with or without depression. You have to gather what you have and focus on yourself. He’s clearly confused and needs to find himself and you are blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Rather than focusing and thinking that if you done or said something different that things would have been better somehow. It’s taken it’s course and I think it’s time to work on you.

Being with someone to hope you feel better will always be a recipe for disaster because we are human and subject to change. We cannot rely on anyone to fix us.

I hope the heartache passes very soon and wish you can see the better side of things.
 
I

ifeelpain

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Poland
Reading through that it sounds very turbulent from the beginning. It may be that he formed feeling but could see that your depression didn’t help each other. It sounds like you both need more time to find yourselves.

Heartbreak is never easy, with or without depression. You have to gather what you have and focus on yourself. He’s clearly confused and needs to find himself and you are blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Rather than focusing and thinking that if you done or said something different that things would have been better somehow. It’s taken it’s course and I think it’s time to work on you.

Being with someone to hope you feel better will always be a recipe for disaster because we are human and subject to change. We cannot rely on anyone to fix us.

I hope the heartache passes very soon and wish you can see the better side of things.
Thank You for those words.
This relationship somehow became toxic for us, cause of ours diseases. But the love..it was real. And I just can't deal with that it's the end. I just can't believe that, we fought a lot for this relationship and now I can't even text him or call him or see him..I know we have to be healthy and find out what we really want but this is so painful. I hope he will text me sometime when he's ready. Maybe he will miss me and than understand what he wants. Maybe he won't. I just want to start eating, but I can't eat. Im lost.
 
Quijas6

Quijas6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
303
Location
USA
I'm sorry! My ex broke up with me a few years ago and it still hurts. Hugs
 
I

ifeelpain

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Poland
I'm sorry! My ex broke up with me a few years ago and it still hurts. Hugs
Oh God, I'm so sorry, I thought it won't last for years..Have you tried being in a relationship with someone else? Hugs.
 
Quijas6

Quijas6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
303
Location
USA
Oh God, I'm so sorry, I thought it won't last for years..Have you tried being in a relationship with someone else? Hugs.
I haven't! I tried an online dating site for a day but got overwhelmed. I've also been busy recovering from my psychosis so am trying to come to terms to what that all means. I really don't date much in general so it's a big deal for me when I do.

How are you doing? Hugs.
 
I

ifeelpain

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Poland
Not so great, but better. I saw psychiatrist today and she is sending me for emergence therapy, so that's great. But yesterday he broke up contact with me, cause he is doing really bad, he told me he don't want contact with anyone, any single person..So I'm little bit worried. I also now I have to focus on my mental health and well-being right now, but when you love person so much as I love him, it's hard. Maybe you should try Tinder? I also never dated much and still don't, it just feels uncomfortable for me, I like texting with people online sometimes, but meeting in person is always scary. I just like texting with people as friends, not thinking about possible romance stuff, maybe it could work for you when you're ready?
And how are you doing? Hugs
 
Quijas6

Quijas6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
303
Location
USA
Not so great, but better. I saw psychiatrist today and she is sending me for emergence therapy, so that's great. But yesterday he broke up contact with me, cause he is doing really bad, he told me he don't want contact with anyone, any single person..So I'm little bit worried. I also now I have to focus on my mental health and well-being right now, but when you love person so much as I love him, it's hard. Maybe you should try Tinder? I also never dated much and still don't, it just feels uncomfortable for me, I like texting with people online sometimes, but meeting in person is always scary. I just like texting with people as friends, not thinking about possible romance stuff, maybe it could work for you when you're ready?
And how are you doing? Hugs
I'm glad you're doing better and getting help. That's wonderful.

I'm sorry about the loss of contact. That can really hurt and I can understand why you'd be worried. It's good you're taking care of yourself. Early in my recovery I learned that taking care of myself is a way that I am caring for others as well.

Haha, I don't know if I'd try Tinder. It's pretty much a hooking up site, no? I agree -- meeting in person is scary. I'd rather know someone through a friend of a friend, etc.

I'm doing better. I actually emailed my ex more than a week ago to let him know I was doing well. A way to save face at some level. No response but I didn't expect that. I am also reconnecting with old friends and staying busy with school and work.

Keep going! :)
 
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