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My life turned into a nightmare because of paranoid personality disorder, I need help and suggestions

P

Poorman

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I'll add that,
the right term for it, is "incitement" to violence,
(I'm not implying you are violent in any way , but given the episode of rightful defense against the assault perpetrated by your wife, and her constant accusations of beatings) the only way to prove otherwise, it would be a statement/testimony of someone present in the house, a witness to the facts, that it would be your children.
Unfortunately, I think their involvement is inevitable at this point.

I don't mean divorce is the sure and only way, maybe there's still hope, but I think it would be good to be ready for the worst.
Well, I totally agree with you. I have two adult kids. One son who is 19 and a daughter who is almost 18. Being oppressed, I could have only thought about using my kids as a proof but unfortunately her brothers didn't like it and thought that I was charging her kids against her or however she explained it to them. She made me the evil one.

Many people also said don't involve the kids, but I think it is my only way to prove myself.


Thanks to all of you who commented. I'll come back later.
 
Talula67

Talula67

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I'm afraid you are right in most of what you said. I may be giving myself false hope. I wouldn't call it 20 years of abuse as it wasn't bad at the beginning but it is now. It is 2 years of absolute torture.

No you didn't upset me as I actually like hearing people opinions. I have a very big decision to make down the road.
And you don't have to face this alone either. Lean on the forum for support as there are some fantastic people here. Keep checking in
for strength 🙏💜.

:grouphug:
 
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Keesha

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Oh...... thanks. That certainly made me feel better.
I meant to comment but forgot to however you’ve got all the information you need to make a wise decision. These members nailed it, you are getting used and abused which truly are good descriptive adjectives for your current relationship. These kids don’t need to be exposed to this either. You all deserve much better.

As a side note, you do write very well. Maybe a novel is in the future making.
I'm afraid you are right in most of what you said. I may be giving myself false hope. I wouldn't call it 20 years of abuse as it wasn't bad at the beginning but it is now. It is 2 years of absolute torture.

No you didn't upset me as I actually like hearing people opinions. I have a very big decision to make down the road.
She is right. You DO have a BIG decision and you’re a smart guy. You’ve got this. 🥰
 
P

Poorman

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I think you have answered your own questions yourself @Poorman . Reading your post is quite upsetting and my first instinct was that you are actually being abused by her. In more ways than one.

The gas-lighting to her family is a proper red flag. Unfortunately if she doesn't see any wrong in her actions, she is very unlikely to change.

The situation will get worse and one of you will do something your later regret.

Even trying to prove that you are the victim in all of this cameras etc ., what would that change? It sounds like the dysfunctional behaviour is also affecting your 5 children.

I don't understand how anybody with that level of responsibility would get to spend an hour on an Xbox never mind all the time.

20 years of abuse is awful and although you love her on some level and took vows on your wedding day, she is also the mother of your children, you sound like you are so understandably unhappy and are at the hands of a narcissistic abuser.

How much more abuse can you seriously endure. Although as you have also rightly identified - that fact that she seems to have her cake and is munching on on it quite happily whilst escaping life in a video game whilst you pick up the slack.

It's seems also to me that it is you who has diagnosed her and has a problem with her behaviour not her. The thing is if she doesn't see the problem and is twisting it over and around to it being your issue , well things will never change.

I would be asking myself why do I put up with it? The option of co-parenting whilst protecting yourself from harm via your wife (the abuser) in separate homes would teach your children that abusive behaviour is unacceptable and break the link to whereby they think it's ok for this dysfunction / abuse to happen, as the normal becomes the Normal.

What would to say to your son in the same position that you are?
"Put up and shut up" or "move out and stop the abuse"?

I hope this helps and I haven't upset you even more. This is not my intention, just trying to bring you out of denial of how awful this problem sounds.
:grouphug:
Again, thanks to all who contributed. Going back to this reply, I'm reevaluating the whole situation again. My kids are the top priority so maybe I need to save them from this toxic relationship. That's why I want to ask, is paranoia a sickness that can be cured or have some of its symptoms reduced? I'm trying to trick her into treatment somehow, but it may not be worth it specially taking into consideration her stubborn nature. Have you guys seen a person with paranoid personality disorder improve with treatment???

You know what one doctor told me few days ago??

"You can't fix her. Her disease is bigger than your are. She will suck you dry"!!! This is after my description to him.

This totally frustrated me. Although she caused me many troubles, I'm trying to help her, but if this is the case then maybe I should save myself from her. So, have you seen somebody with PPD improve?
 
SchizoaffectiveCat

SchizoaffectiveCat

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Look, I've never met someone with PPD, but I've seen people with schizophrenia improve with treatment. That is no easy feat though, and It can't be done by one person alone. Especially If she doesn't want to improve. Maybe the best you could do is making her realize she will lose you and her family If she doesn't get treatment, but by your description that might not work either. Maybe going with her to a few sessions, or, as you said, tricking her to go somehow, could work for a start, but nothing really can garantee she will get better, in the end. I'm afraid It depends more on her than on you.
 
P

Poorman

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That's too unfortunate. So I might go through so much to somehow get her some treatment only to discover that it was useless. It might even backfire. If it did, then that's the end of my family. Only God can save me.

I think my best course of action is to work on her brothers to get them in my side. Even if treatment fails, they will at least understand that her accusations of me are all false and only stem from her sickness.

But even her brothers, how can I convince them. I'm putting myself in their shoes. No body will like calling a family member of his psychologically ill. What is the best way to put it? I really don't know
 
GretaVon

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That's too unfortunate. So I might go through so much to somehow get her some treatment only to discover that it was useless. It might even backfire. If it did, then that's the end of my family. Only God can save me.
Hello Poorman.

I read your opening post. This is quite a serious situation.

I don't know anything about PPD.

What occurs to me is that these symptoms could very well fit with NPD (Narcissism). Yes I know, it's my answer to everything.

But seriously, NPD is very common, and probably a lot more common than PPD. It's worth it for you to look into.
 
P

Poorman

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Hello Poorman.

I read your opening post. This is quite a serious situation.

I don't know anything about PPD.

What occurs to me is that these symptoms could very well fit with NPD (Narcissism). Yes I know, it's my answer to everything.

But seriously, NPD is very common, and probably a lot more common than PPD. It's worth it for you to look into.
Thanks to you for pointing this out for me. Some of symptoms are similar, I can see that. But my wife is paranoid. The most obious symptom is that she doubts me and doubts my loyality. She also reads hidden evil meanings behind people words. PPD is more likely. I'll read about it more though to make sure.
 
GretaVon

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The most obious symptom is that she doubts me and doubts my loyality.
Accusations of infidelity are very common with a narcissist in a romantic relationship. Taken at face value it her "doubting" you. You must not take things at face value. What it could be is a narcissist using any excuse to devalue you, keep you under control and extract fuel from you.
 
GretaVon

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She also reads hidden evil meanings behind people words.
This could also be a NPD symptom. To a narcissist, everyone is either painted white or painted black, more often the latter. If black, the narcissist will put the most negative spin on anything they say or do. This serves to bring the person in question under control.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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In particular, don't accept any explanation a potential narcissist gives for their own actions. It will be part of facade management and not accurate.
 
P

Poorman

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Accusations of infidelity are very common with a narcissist in a romantic relationship. Taken at face value it her "doubting" you. You must not take things at face value. What it could be is a narcissist using any excuse to devalue you, keep you under control and extract fuel from you.
You mean she intentionally accuses me of infidelity to devalue me and keep me under control??? When things get very tense, she demands divorce immediately so I don't think that's the case. I think she really thinks I'm not loyal to her and she can't control these ideas of her.
 
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Poorman

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From my readings, people can get a mix of diseases, so she might have both or some of each disorder. Right?
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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You mean she intentionally accuses me of infidelity to devalue me and keep me under control??? When things get very tense, she demands divorce immediately so I don't think that's the case. I think she really thinks I'm not loyal to her and she can't control these ideas of her.
Again, don't take her pronouncements at face value.

She may say she wants a divorce, but yet here you are, still married. She's using the threat of divorce to keep you under control, a common narc tactic.

If she does have NPD, you should be aware that she believes her own lies and delusions, that is what makes them so convincing. Narcs act in the moment. When it serves them to believe you are being unfaithful, they really believe it IN THAT MOMENT. That does not mean it is a considered opinion. It is simply a view plucked like a rabbit out of a hat, on the only merit that it serves the narc to assert control over you. In the next moment she may not consider you unfaithful at all, or that thought is a mile away or even as if it never happened.

Whatever the case is (and everything you describe strengthens the case of NPD) you are clearly dealing with a disturbed individual that cannot be evaluated on the basis one would use with a normal person. Whatever she says or does cannot be assumed to either have a rational basis or the basis of normal emotions.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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From my readings, people can get a mix of diseases, so she might have both or some of each disorder. Right?
That is certainly possible, but I think Occam's Razor applies here. There is no need to explain behavior on the basis of multiple disorders if it can be explained as a single disorder.

Honestly, I've never even heard of PPD, but to me it seems NPD fits all the symptoms you describe. I urge you to educate yourself on this condition with all haste.
 
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