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My life turned into a nightmare because of paranoid personality disorder, I need help and suggestions

P

Poorman

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Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
Middle East
Hi to all,

I'm a man of 43 years. I have been married for 20 years now. I have five kids. My life started deteriorating about two years ago, and I'm kinda of helpless right now and don't know what to do. It is a very complex situation but I will make it short. My wife has always been suspicious of my moves and many times misinterpret my deeds. She also is super jealous and will always cause problems because of her jealousy although what I do is perfectly normal. But it was all manageable. Two years ago, she quit work because of the many problems she had at it (When she was at work, she used to always complain that everybody at work is conspiring against her, and that they don't give her what she deserves as she is better than them). At the same time, she got addicted to fortnite which is an online video game and that made her neglect all her responsibilities and also not sleep at night. She used to play from like 9 PM till 8 am continuously. Of course I started advising her against this and that she should take care of the children instead or at least split her time between the kids/house and the game. She didn't listen, and kept on playing uncontrollably while neglecting everything. I didn't like this of course and kept on advising her to no avail. This is when problems started and they took a bad direction.

Although she became completely useless, she will never admit it. She will never accept that she is doing something wrong. To the contrary, she will consider herself perfect and doing all she is supposed to do. When I advise her, she doesn't like it at all and will always fight back explaining that she is not doing anything wrong. The game caused many problems between us, but not only that! She suddenly became more suspicious of me and others but specially me her loving husband. All my behaviors were questioned and 99% of the time misinterpreted. She started thinking that I'm talking to other women, having an affair, always enjoying time with female work colleagues. This is in spite of being 100% loyal to her. I haven't changed at all. As time goes, the situation only worsens. I'm a man who likes to solve problems by his own so I didn't really talk to anybody, which now I think was a mistake.

Being the tech savvy I'm, one night I blocked the game to prevent her from playing at late hours and we had a fight because of this. She was the one who was fighting and giving blows (She became more hostile and violent) and I was only trying to defend myself. I got hurt of course but she also got hurt in the process. Days passed and we returned to normal but she never stopped playing the stupid game. Problems continued of course as I couldn't take it because I was the one working a full time job and doing everything else for the house and kids, while she was only playing/eating/sleeping. We had another fight because of the game and that's when she complained about me to her family (Mother and brothers) and she said she wanted to get divorced. She of course twisted the whole situation. She told them that I'm in love with another women and neglecting her because of this women, and she also told them that I always hit her and beat her badly and she referred to the incident when I blocked the game that night. She is an expert at twisting incidents. I tried to explain the real situation to her family but they didn't believe me and instead believed her. After she complained about me to her family, she started treating me as the enemy. Although I'm not mistaken, I apologized and did the impossible (gifts, good talks, flowers, treating her nicely) to get her back and I succeeded after maybe 3 months. We became normal for few days but she would always get upset/angry at me and immediately demands divorce because of any-otherwise perfectly normal-behavior that will make her suspicious of me like answering a phone call from a female work colleague or even hearing me say a female name while sleeping even if it is the name of one of my 3 daughters.


We are still together somehow but it is a fake marriage as there is almost no interaction between me and her. She wants to get divorced and always talks about my love affairs and the barbarous guy I'm for always hitting her and beating her. She of course believes in what she says but it is all false. It is only in her mind. I'm 100% loyal to her but she just doesn't see it. I haven't hurt her all our marriage life and always try to please her.

Few days after she complained about me to her family, I started searching and reading because I knew these characteristics of her are abnormal. That's when I realized that she must be paranoid. No, I haven't succeeded yet to get her checked up but it is just obvious.

This is what she does:

1- She doubts my sexual loyalty to her as there is no tomorrow.
2- She misinterprets my actions and most other people actions. She will always take the worst interpretation.
3- She takes criticism very poorly and always becomes defensive when somebody try to help her by telling her mistakes.
4- She highly thinks of herself and that she knows everything and better than everybody else.
5- She thinks she is persecuted and oppressed even by the closest loving family member (Me, her husband).
6- She knows how to play the victim and twist words and situations.
7- She is hostile and violent.
8- She doesn't see role in problems and will always blame others specially me.
9- Everybody is trying to get her, even me. I want her to die, I want to get her in trouble...etc although I'm trying to protect her and help her.
10- She doesn't forgive even in the slightest. She holds grudges.
11- She is super stubborn. She doesn't listen to anybody and hates to take directions/instructions from anybody. She only does what she wants even if it is too bad.

It is paranoid personality disorder. I'm 100% sure. I see it with my own eyes.



She had most of these symptoms since we got married but they were less apparent. After she started playing the stupid game she got worse, and I suspect it is because she wasn't sleeping well. I'm now in continuous problems with her and her family is not helping. Her family doesn't like the idea that she is sick and needs to get treated. The problem is that my kids started being influenced and my eldest almost got depressed and has no joy in life. It will only worsen if I don't do anything.

But, how can I do what I want to do? I have no idea how I can make get treatment specially that her family is not helping. She will never believe me and will never accept that she is sick. She thinks she is the perfect women and all the problems around her are mostly because of the ultimate evil in her life (Me) !!!

One reason I started this thread is because I wanted to know whether people with paranoid personality disorder get better with treatment or NOT. Life is getting simply impossible with my wife. I love her so much and I'm willing to do everything to get her treated but if it is not doable then maybe divorcing her for the sake of the children at least maybe better. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm totally lost.

Any comments, help, suggestions, advises are highly appreciated. Thanks.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Hi and welcome,

Sorry sounds really sad and hard to live with.

Unfortunately I don't know about paranoid personality, but from what you described it might be depression and maybe a period of time where her brain need a break from everything, making her paranoid.

Addiction to online games are common, especially in people suffering already mental health problems, a way to evading from reality and every day stress.
I'm on the view that unfortunately you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

She is the only one that must realise that she's gone too far and seeing that this it's affecting you and moreover her children.
Even asking your eldest child or another to talk to her about it might be a good idea.
Seeking therapy would be the right thing to do but there's no way to force someone in to it.

Maybe with time she will understand this and also get bored of the game, going back to reality understanding the damage.
Best of luck
 
Evenly Spaced Tiles

Evenly Spaced Tiles

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Oct 24, 2021
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i think you should become a writer or something, but just do an autobiography...
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I have another suggestion.

1 - You could ask if your wife's mother or brother, is willing to stay at your house, (using the motive of helping you with the house, children, etc.. as an excuse) so that her family can see the real situation with their own eyes.

2 - If the first solution isn't possible or fail, then you could use a hidden camera and record the entire time she plays the game and what she does around the house.

A therapy cannot be considered if there is no evidence first, and perhaps this could be a way to get it.
 
P

Poorman

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
Middle East
Hi and welcome,

Sorry sounds really sad and hard to live with.

Unfortunately I don't know about paranoid personality, but from what you described it might be depression and maybe a period of time where her brain need a break from everything, making her paranoid.

Addiction to online games are common, especially in people suffering already mental health problems, a way to evading from reality and every day stress.
I'm on the view that unfortunately you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

She is the only one that must realise that she's gone too far and seeing that this it's affecting you and moreover her children.
Even asking your eldest child or another to talk to her about it might be a good idea.
Seeking therapy would be the right thing to do but there's no way to force someone in to it.

Maybe with time she will understand this and also get bored of the game, going back to reality understanding the damage.
Best of luck
Thanks buddy. I really hope that it is a period of time where her brain need to take a break. You said it right. She is escaping reality with this stupid game. And yes it is really hard to help someone who doesn't want to get helped. This is my challenge. My eldest son and daughter talked to her but she just doesn't accept being corrected as she doesn't realize her own mistakes. It sometimes backfires. I mean she just hates the kids when they are advising her. She hates everybody who try to help her in the form of advice or corrections even if they are close family members.
 
P

Poorman

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
Middle East
I have another suggestion.

1 - You could ask if your wife's mother or brother, is willing to stay at your house, (using the motive of helping you with the house, children, etc.. as an excuse) so that her family can see the real situation with their own eyes.

2 - If the first solution isn't possible or fail, then you could use a hidden camera and record the entire time she plays the game and what she does around the house.

A therapy cannot be considered if there is no evidence first, and perhaps this could be a way to get it.
That's a very good idea to have somebody in our house. But you know what? She acts up and likes to show off. When her brothers visit us, she likes to show off and tell them that she is taking care of everything and doing all she could to bring up the kids, but is all false. This is what happens also when we visit her family. Regarding the game, there is no need to proof it. I already did that by videoing her and by using a monitoring program, but she still denies it. She is unimaginable. Her brothers are giving more weight to the issues of her being beaten up and cheated on while not paying attention to the main reason that started all: the stupid game.

I really need somebody to comment on whether people with PPD get better with treatments.

I'm at work so I can't write much now but I will come back later. Thanks to all.
 
K

Keesha

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Hi, thanks for your reply but I didn't really get it. Become a writer? Why?

You want me to talk about myself?
While I can’t speak for him, I think it’s a compliment that you write well and I agree. Not sure about the autobiography comment though. Your guess is as good as mine. 😅
 
P

Poorman

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Messages
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Location
Middle East
While I can’t speak for him, I think it’s a compliment that you write well and I agree. Not sure about the autobiography comment though. Your guess is as good as mine. 😅
Oh...... thanks. That certainly made me feel better.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

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Children must come first. What is the best think to do for the children?
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Thanks buddy. I really hope that it is a period of time where her brain need to take a break. You said it right. She is escaping reality with this stupid game. And yes it is really hard to help someone who doesn't want to get helped. This is my challenge. My eldest son and daughter talked to her but she just doesn't accept being corrected as she doesn't realize her own mistakes. It sometimes backfires. I mean she just hates the kids when they are advising her. She hates everybody who try to help her in the form of advice or corrections even if they are close family members.
That's a very good idea to have somebody in our house. But you know what? She acts up and likes to show off. When her brothers visit us, she likes to show off and tell them that she is taking care of everything and doing all she could to bring up the kids, but is all false. This is what happens also when we visit her family. Regarding the game, there is no need to proof it. I already did that by videoing her and by using a monitoring program, but she still denies it. She is unimaginable. Her brothers are giving more weight to the issues of her being beaten up and cheated on while not paying attention to the main reason that started all: the stupid game.

I really need somebody to comment on whether people with PPD get better with treatments.

I'm at work so I can't write much now but I will come back later. Thanks to all.
You are welcome
Then the last resort would be to ask her to go over to her parents' house for a break.
If she's really addicted to that game ( because wanting to think maliciously, it might just be a fake excuse/plan of her, to make you out of your mind and hurt her, so that she's right about everything)
she will manage to last no more than a day without it, but it will come out eventually.

Otherwise I see no choice but a divorce, sorry man.
The problem is to prove in court that she's the person who neglects the family and the house, and she is the mentally unstable one and that it takes proof, therefore a recording or something, even testimony of your depressed children.
Don't know how it works, but it's usually like that, in order to not end up in trouble and being blamed for everything.
 
Talula67

Talula67

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One reason I started this thread is because I wanted to know whether people with paranoid personality disorder get better with treatment or NOT. Life is getting simply impossible with my wife. I love her so much and I'm willing to do everything to get her treated but if it is not doable then maybe divorcing her for the sake of the children at least maybe better. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm totally lost.
I think you have answered your own questions yourself @Poorman . Reading your post is quite upsetting and my first instinct was that you are actually being abused by her. In more ways than one.

The gas-lighting to her family is a proper red flag. Unfortunately if she doesn't see any wrong in her actions, she is very unlikely to change.

The situation will get worse and one of you will do something your later regret.

Even trying to prove that you are the victim in all of this cameras etc ., what would that change? It sounds like the dysfunctional behaviour is also affecting your 5 children.

I don't understand how anybody with that level of responsibility would get to spend an hour on an Xbox never mind all the time.

20 years of abuse is awful and although you love her on some level and took vows on your wedding day, she is also the mother of your children, you sound like you are so understandably unhappy and are at the hands of a narcissistic abuser.

How much more abuse can you seriously endure. Although as you have also rightly identified - that fact that she seems to have her cake and is munching on on it quite happily whilst escaping life in a video game whilst you pick up the slack.

It's seems also to me that it is you who has diagnosed her and has a problem with her behaviour not her. The thing is if she doesn't see the problem and is twisting it over and around to it being your issue , well things will never change.

I would be asking myself why do I put up with it? The option of co-parenting whilst protecting yourself from harm via your wife (the abuser) in separate homes would teach your children that abusive behaviour is unacceptable and break the link to whereby they think it's ok for this dysfunction / abuse to happen, as the normal becomes the Normal.

What would to say to your son in the same position that you are?
"Put up and shut up" or "move out and stop the abuse"?

I hope this helps and I haven't upset you even more. This is not my intention, just trying to bring you out of denial of how awful this problem sounds.
:grouphug:
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I'll add that,
the right term for it, is "incitement" to violence,
(I'm not implying you are violent in any way , but given the episode of rightful defense against the assault perpetrated by your wife, and her constant accusations of beatings) the only way to prove otherwise, it would be a statement/testimony of someone present in the house, a witness to the facts, that it would be your children.
Unfortunately, I think their involvement is inevitable at this point.

I don't mean divorce is the sure and only way, maybe there's still hope, but I think it would be good to be ready for the worst.
 
P

Poorman

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Location
Middle East
I think you have answered your own questions yourself @Poorman . Reading your post is quite upsetting and my first instinct was that you are actually being abused by her. In more ways than one.

The gas-lighting to her family is a proper red flag. Unfortunately if she doesn't see any wrong in her actions, she is very unlikely to change.

The situation will get worse and one of you will do something your later regret.

Even trying to prove that you are the victim in all of this cameras etc ., what would that change? It sounds like the dysfunctional behaviour is also affecting your 5 children.

I don't understand how anybody with that level of responsibility would get to spend an hour on an Xbox never mind all the time.

20 years of abuse is awful and although you love her on some level and took vows on your wedding day, she is also the mother of your children, you sound like you are so understandably unhappy and are at the hands of a narcissistic abuser.

How much more abuse can you seriously endure. Although as you have also rightly identified - that fact that she seems to have her cake and is munching on on it quite happily whilst escaping life in a video game whilst you pick up the slack.

It's seems also to me that it is you who has diagnosed her and has a problem with her behaviour not her. The thing is if she doesn't see the problem and is twisting it over and around to it being your issue , well things will never change.

I would be asking myself why do I put up with it? The option of co-parenting whilst protecting yourself from harm via your wife (the abuser) in separate homes would teach your children that abusive behaviour is unacceptable and break the link to whereby they think it's ok for this dysfunction / abuse to happen, as the normal becomes the Normal.

What would to say to your son in the same position that you are?
"Put up and shut up" or "move out and stop the abuse"?

I hope this helps and I haven't upset you even more. This is not my intention, just trying to bring you out of denial of how awful this problem sounds.
:grouphug:
I'm afraid you are right in most of what you said. I may be giving myself false hope. I wouldn't call it 20 years of abuse as it wasn't bad at the beginning but it is now. It is 2 years of absolute torture.

No you didn't upset me as I actually like hearing people opinions. I have a very big decision to make down the road.
 
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