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My life so far.

JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Not sure of the relevance but I'm just adding whatever is on my mind.

18th birthday party. One I got away with.

I'm 18. I have a circle of friends. We're not hugely close but spend enough time together. My parents are on holiday with the younger sister. Other sister and friends all see great opportunity for party.

I'm not really that popular at school. I have some friends but I'm kind of peripheral, and probably don't seek to move beyond that. I invite them, they can ask a few people, keep it sensible. I work part-time too so people off the shift get asked. My sister is out at the pub. She might bring some people back. People from school and whatever I leave to my friends. In truth, I don't really want a party but feel like all the stars are aligning for it, with me being 18 and everyone for it.

Saturday night, me and about 8-10 friends are sitting in the house. We've bought beer and started early. It might just be us and I'd be okay with that. By 6.30pm we're publicly wondering if anyone's coming.

Around 7pm, me and someone else are in the bedroom, looking out, and an army of teenagers round the corner. My friends are 17 and 18. These people range from about 15 to 19 and I personally recognise maybe 5 of the 80 people that have just arrived at once. I immediately panic. We just won't open the front door. That works for about 2 minutes until they decide to go round the back door and open the patio doors.

Pretty soon, it's chaos. They're a rowdy bunch, and soon incidents are breaking out. Other people are arriving; some people from work, some people from school, others. It's getting very very busy. It's a house, back garden, and occasional front garden party.

I'm in hysterics. I've only just came out my room after about an hour. Downstairs, first thing I see, there's a drunk, comatose young girl on the couch, maybe 16. I don't know her or 80% of the people in my house. My friend T has been sitting beside her, trying to talk to her. Now her boyfriend has arrived, stripped off to the waist, declared he's just out of jail, and he and T are wrestling. A guy that is my supervisor at work calms the psycho down. Murder avoided. Drink a beer.

Look outside. We have an old couch that's just been replaced off to the side in the garden waiting on an uplift. Some of the strangers have put this up on the slabs and are pushing it around with them on it. I don't know it now but I'll see the effects of this tomorrow morning.

Someone shouts the toilet is broken. I go upstairs and check rooms. Couple in one, try other. My room. Half my music is gone. I look outside to the front garden and see a boy, with my dad's gold clubs, firing golf balls up the street. Someone shouts the car is gone and I look out and, sure enough, the car is gone too. Then someone shouts the police are there.

Suddenly a party of 150-200 becomes a party of about half that. The police chap the door, I get pushed out, and then sit in the back of their car in my drive as they do the good cop/ bad cop routine. I'm basically in shock at this point. They seem to tend towards a ''this has all ran away from your control'' stance but then mention that another problem is one of my friends got caught down the lane drinking and said I bought him the booze. I think back and remember I did, in fact, buy the booze at the shop earlier. At this point most of my friends are 17. I can see rows of eyes from the windows watching me in the car as I just sit dumbly and accept life is over.

The riot had subsided so the police basically walked through and just let us get on with things. By this point it was only the non-troublemakers and 17-18 year olds left. So we were back to a small house party. This is only about 10pm. At this point I think I've lost the car, trashed the toilet, fire, golf clubs, who knows what else, and I might get arrested because the police said they might get back in x weeks (they never did).

Then, about midnight, my sister arrived with another bunch of people so it was back to being 100 or so. I was frazzled by that point. I'm anxious as a default, so big house party-turned-crime scene was beyond me. Getting drunk basically and trying not to think too much about anything.

The next day, the car gets found down the street with a dead battery. Charge that and we have a car back.

The neighbours are out doing their gardens and giving me dirty looks as they dramatically lift empty bottles from their gardens. Ooops!

Someone fixes the fire. Someone else fixes the toilet. I have helpers. People have felt so genuinely sorry that they are repairing my house. Carpet burns fixed mostly. Whole house checked for damage. Golf clubs intact. No broken windows in sight.

That just left the slabs out the back that had been scored across, time and again. This is the greatest moment of genius in my life. We turned them all upside down!

One of my friends started with another back then that night. They're now married with kids. Even the rest of my friends mostly all ended up with people too that night, which wasn't a standard thing at all. Some with several! It was the wildest party I ever saw. I mean, I didn't really feel part of it, but everyone else had a great time!

How I survived all that, I'll never know. No further word from police. If neighbours ever complained then I never heard about it. Nothing. Just got away with it like some chump in an '80s movie that has total luck. Inexplicable and seemed like a lucky escape.

I've always had this tendency to blunder into positions where I make myself vulnerable. Too eager to please maybe, or not that exactly because I'm a million miles from that as a front, but is too willing to give too much power away maybe...almost unconditionally.

And I always had a bit of a wild streak too, so I lean into things at times when I should be wiser. All my psychology seems the other way (all restrictive and controlling and isolating and avoiding) but there's definitely a bit of me (and this has increased since MH had become a major concern) that can get really reckless. Sometimes it's just a feeling of being trapped in a situation and you see an opportunity to break that which will be sink or swim. Sometimes you just get bored with the restrictive kind of life and throw caution to the wind in some area you can.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Maybe this comes through. I always -- despite all the social anxiety, group-aversion, poor self-esteem and nature to withdraw and brood -- had this tremendous need for belonging; in groups, from individuals. It's obvious. Counter to my feelings and thoughts, I actually need people.

I had this notion of places like high school and university that reality didn't match. Maybe it was like a sort of preppy US university idea for the latter, with groups and teams, parties and women, friendships formed, direction found; that kind of cliche. For the former I just felt outside of everyone else and like I lived a different life, under different rules. That's probably another cliche. It's true. Technically, I had some things, but they didn't seem just right, and others had more still.

I don't know why I developed this feeling. My guess is I was a bit weird as a kid, hypersensitive, and some kid said something one day and I took it to heart. It'd be as innocuous as that. Then, since I've always been kind of unbending, I wouldn't seek to conform at all or change behaviour, it would just self-perpetuate. I'd become known as a total asshole. Simultaneous to distancing others/being distanced, I'd be developing this idea about how it might all be better in the next phase. Pipedreams. Basically made myself into some neurotic, avoidant, needy thing that's missed life and still running around the same trap now, with all the same instincts and just some added guilt and desperation.

Ah, well. Start over at 44, from absolutely nothing. If I was religious this would be the time to ask for a sign.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Thoughts still back in the past. Maybe ruminating over my (as I see it) arrested development in the teens.

I thought about the thing at the Scouts a lot after I initially hadn't for many years. It made me feel more of a child than my peers. As I get older (and have seen various porn) I just see it as some weird fetish thing the adults had and that everyone else was happy to indulge, that was technically some form of whatever the word is for those attracted to teens of that age. I get the feeling only I was offended and everyone else just saw it as teenage shenanigans, like I'm really stuck up and hypersensitive (which I am). I don't know why I feel that way when, if I take myself out of that and just put anyone else in, then I'm immediately less critical of them and much more so of the adults.

Nothing actually happened to me. I encountered a weird situation, someone suggested something, I ran. But it did really affect me mentally. It made me think I was completely different and weird for not being okay with it.

I wonder more about the guy and his girlfriend now. I mean, as an adult now, I'm thinking they had some kink that involved having teenage boys sexually-active around them, so possibly some sort of cuckold thing, maybe filmed, maybe not (I never saw anything like that but that's usually a thing I think). There were stories I heard snippets of that involved blow up dolls and threesomes with unknown women. At the time, I thought them tall tales of teenage boys. That kind of thing was very prevalent then. After the thing at the guy's house I think I probably heard bits of actual things that had happened. With that in mind, going back to the guy's house that day, I was given a set time, there was another boy there in the other room when I got there, there could have been other boys at other times, I might have happened into some organised underage sex thing, where we'd been given porn and booze to keep us compliant and compromised enough not to seek outsiders. I wonder about that. What exactly were they doing? How far was it going? Was I the only boy that freaked out and the rest simply remember it as some great rites-of-passage experience? And the couple, what were they? They'd have to be getting off on it all so what was the whole thing? Were they producing pornography? Was his thing watching young boys screw his girlfriend? Was hers boys of that age? Did they continue? Was it just them? Was it some network? How common is this?

But I just buried it. I thought myself so weird and outside things and anxious (especially about sex) that I was the one with the problem. If everyone else was okay with it then it must be so. There probably was more of this kind of thing going on than people realise in quiet suburbia back then. Society had an attitude like young teens were fair game, and boys were especially expected to be resilient and open to anything. To not be enthused, in the situation described, would, if expressed further, have been indication of some fault in me. So some teenage boys had a great time, two adults fulfilled whatever sexual kink they specifically had, and just one seemed put out.

Every thought distances me from people. I need to find something to feel close to instead.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Depression high again. I tend to ruminate and look back more then. Anxiety mid-level and no more. Think I need to stop thinking about the past. Time to concentrate on little things in the present....if such a thing is possible. As predicted, I'm struggling already with the workbooks. Little questions like ''what do you do that makes yourself happy?'' brings on hour-long debates in my mind. Future CPN and psych appointments are over the phone so I doubt any of this will be anything more than surface-level, let's try to up activity a bit and not think too much, type of ''remedy'' (more like management). I'm hypersensitive and feel like I'd be the kid in the class to interrupt the lesson and say ''but doesn't that mean...?'' and divert the whole thing. I'm going through the book, getting the tone, the emphasis, noticing omissions (some people under-eat when stressed too, it isn't all binge eaters). I don't feel any eureka moment. Just skepticism and a feeling I need something deeper.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
''The snake which cannot cast its own skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions. They cease to be mind.''
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Depression mid to high. Anxiety average.

I applied for a job. An easy driver job for a local takeaway. Not sure whether I'll be contacted. I've handed my name in elsewhere before and never been contacted so I think the owner basically takes a look at you, decides whether you're employable or not, then tells you to write down your details anyway. In my present condition, I don't feel like the sort of person that anyone wants to employ...but I need to genuinely seek work so took that opportunity. I'm actually so long out of work now that even the prospect of this type of job fills me with anxiety.

Also still in contact with D but starting to feel slightly different. She sent me an actually very fair text about the important thing being me getting better. A month ago she told me people (and her) only care about their family and partners as though to say ''your problems are your problems'', then she tried to undo previous lies by saying they were about things that were personal (why not say that then instead of lying?).

So I basically told her not to worry about me, or my problems, that they were my personal business and I'd only be sharing them with close friends who I trust (and they me) and who are honest. I never said ''unlike her'' but the inference was clear. And I actually meant it. It wasn't false language conjured to create an impression, or purely hurt speaking. I actually value honesty and loyalty and feel let down by supposed friends who aren't like that.

We're slowly shifting to a ''let's not talk'' stage. And that seems good.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Depression high again. Procrastinating already. Really incredibly bored and lonely. Conversely, kind of agitated by people around me and wished I lived alone. I suppose it's different people. Unfortunately, I've exposed my problems to others and can't really take them back (although I'm trying to as I made a comment on my opened mail that maybe I'd put my middle name instead so there's no future mistake). I just hate hearing myself discussed in the next room. I hate being a topic of open discussion. I hate being the black sheep and the worry. I hate myself for allowing myself into this position over so long. I'm really in a ''contract and erect barriers'' phase. Everyone out. Minimal contact and neutral answers that give no more than required.

I know that's unfair and they all care, in their own way, and....I'm so harsh and all depressed...etc. It's just how I feel. People are looking at me like maybe I'll kick back into shape some day soon and not much is different other than the anxiety has come down. (I think I just ran out of energy there.)

Reading through booklets and realising I really don't know how to answer really basic questions (because I overthink them probably) and also that I'm instinctively resistant to other modes of thought other than my own. What makes me happy? Hmmm......there's a puzzler.

And that stream of thought always ends with a lot of me berating myself for being weird and odd, which is exactly how I'm supposed to be I guess, so I'm not leaving myself any space there. I need to switch off my overthinking and skepticism and just plow through things....but my sense today is that this whole CPN stuff, the booklets, the telephone calls, and whatever else, won't get to me, and will prove trying, and I'll then come over as either not particularly genuine, or as so set in my ways as to be untreatable other than to manage symptoms through medication. And that might be right. Ah...I'm just beating myself down all the time.

Saying all this; these are worries that are mostly under the surface and only appear fully formed when I'm ruminating on the day. If I was busier, had more activity, maybe even something enjoyable, then would I even be going through them? It's hypothetical, I guess. Just as the thought about how a change of environment might help as much as anything. All hypothetical. Further away now from that than ever.

I've observed myself up close forever. It's not a great idea to judge a mind that's damaged to a degree with that same mind. I don't actually know what function my thought patterns serve. I think, on average, I'm more depressed, self-critical, introspective...etc rather than simply some really enthusiastic dramatist but I still don't know if me tracking my moods and thoughts actually helps me. There are times when I think I'm just dredging up pain almost masochistically, or other times as a sort of defence for my inadequacies, in either case it's rolling in them when I'd be better trying to walk away (if such a thing were possible). I know if I don't do it then my head gets very jammed. There's some sort of release going on. There have been times (not recently) when my thoughts have raced but connecting with actual emotions in the moment has been difficult, and maybe afterwards I'm sorting through my feelings about things. I know I did that as a teen a lot. I had numb feelings a lot. Now it's the opposite, I suppose. Now I'm trying to keep things together but it's all going on as privately as I can.

It's difficult to judge how 'off' you are when you're 'off'.

Anyway. I'm pruning today rather than growing. Trying to cut away the unhelpful stuff. At least thinking about what is helpful and what isn't, in any case. That shows self-preservation alone. All thoughts and conclusions likely the result of depression so can't be entirely trusted but I'm tracking moods and thoughts for whatever reason. Tonight's.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Communication with D now in the death throes stage. Hopes we can be friends in future. Let's not. I need honest friends that care, not false ones. Mentally relegate her to being amongst everyone else I remember from school; some way above the bullies and sadists, even above the cruel and utterly superficial, but in there all the same. Just someone else looking to use me. Maybe not a bad person, but not someone who genuinely cares about me, therefore, not good for me. Go live your life of affairs and see how it works out for you. I'll circle the drain for a while longer.

Anxiety right up again. Ate a bit. Was sick afterwards. Slept all day. Lay about all night. Not looked at any task. Barriers up. Me vs the world. I feel utterly broken, unworthy, unfit, and just something that needs put down.

Depression - strangely not in full bloom but in the post.

Still avoiding people. Pity I can't avoid me too.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Horrible night. To be expected. Not sure if I'm being wise or insane. I need people around me that actively care and talk to me. I probably need far too much from people. I'm obviously unwell (I'd guess). All the same, frustrating situation or not, it's kind of difficult to usher someone away who you care about (I hesitate to use the word love because what right do I have?). It's probably dumb but it's how I feel. It's also different to feel a degree of power, however momentary. I've spent so long with parts of my life dependent on other people's wishes that to simply draw a line of my own felt different. I'm going to be drawing lots of lines from now on.

As expected, ebay seem to have just blanked me so I'll now be losing that cash and their customer service fobbing me off with false promises means that, even if I could personally go to their offices this weekend and find the mistake for them, then it'll be too late to stop the bank taking the cash back again. So I'll be losing £165 of my £200 or so ESA fortnight allowance. Thanks a fucking bunch ebay. If there's one thing I can recognise it's the international language of ''I've no idea what you're talking about but I'll pretend I do and that it's all fixed just to get you off the line''.

And - although early days - no text message for the job so I guess I must be appearing as much of a problem as I feel. I fucking love rejections. As if I need more. Is there any job I can't be rejected for?

All in all, I'm pretty agitated and depressed in a sort of annoyed way -- wryly thinking the world should just finish me off. Can't sleep - obviously - but that's a given most nights. I'll lie and worry for hours yet, then crash, then rise to the official end of our texting and that'll be that. It'll be ''I'm such an idiot'' and depressed, but I won't be under that emotional pull any more. Well, I will for a long time, but there will be no channel to fix things.

Anxiety and depression scores - not sure. I just feel agitated. Make your own mind up.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Less agitated, more depressed maybe. Same, regarding details. Did exceptionally little today. Bought notebooks to write in for MH work. Walked the dog. Ate. Showered. Get the feeling I'm not exactly living my best life. Suppose I'm not in A&E either, so...progress very slow if actually happening.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Same again. Very depressed and introspective. Not as anxious. Procrastinating again because everything I approach seems daunting in present mood.

Maybe I don't want to open myself to more realisation of just how dysfunctional I am, relative to what I would consider the rest of society, and that's why I'm avoiding booklets? Maybe I'm just waiting for a mood where I think I can approach the most basic questions? Maybe I'm just being lazy? I don't know. I'm a mystery to myself a lot of the time. I can usually make informed guesses but I'm never quite sure if it's 73% of this and 27% of that, or something else entirely unseen.

Overthinking, again.

I'm trying to make things tidy for other people. Texted D, told her everything was my fault, better if we don't keep contact.

Also trying to get some parameters up with family and my mental health stuff. I don't want them going through booklets and listening to phone calls, or being aware of when appointments are or...anything of that nature really.

So I seem to be -- consciously or subconsciously -- trying to protect some personal space that feels safe, I guess. Or maybe the opposite; some place I can contain all this and not have it overspill. Good luck holding back the tide future-self!

I don't know whether it's right or wrong. It's just an instinct. It's kind of ironic how I have this desperate need to talk to someone, get some sense of them, other people, even myself in context of that, and yet I don't really want to lean on the people close to me, open up, or have emotional support. I guess that's why I put the early childhood stuff in here. I think I got kind of asocial and odd a bit early in life, and everything thereafter is just a continuation and result of that. That's understandable, to a point, but I'm now 44 so it feels a bit late, and too deep-seated, to address but perhaps that's my inherent self-critic and self-saboteur trying to undermine me? Which unhealthy part of me is thinking hardest right now?

I'm playing patient and doctor again. I shouldn't do that.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Couple of days not so bad. Anxiety is definitely well down from a month ago. If anything, I'm now sleeping too much. Even the physical symptoms are largely absent more recently. Depression and introspection comes and goes. Last few days (I need to get a better handle on time) it doesn't seem to be getting as extreme.

The biggest problem at times like these is loneliness and having not much interaction. I'm paradoxically trying to distance myself from people around me and yet desperate for fresh people in my life. As always; competing urges never destined to co-exist.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Bad again tonight.

Cut ties with D finally, ebay fobbed me off, I have hours of psych work to do ahead of a telephone appointment tomorrow, no word from job.

Add all the rejections and failures together and what else is there worth saving? A month later and I don't think I'm getting out. It's all still in me. Not the high anxiety and eventual self-harming thoughts that come but just as a rational proposition -- is this really worth fighting, or is it all too far-gone and beyond reach, with only more and more rejection, pain and not fitting in?

I realise I'm gloomy, self-involved and everyone else has their problems. That knowledge doesn't stop the feeling though, it's just an admonishment for honestly expressing it.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
Average today. Sitting awaiting telephone appt with CPN. I hate talking on the telephone and have struggled horribly with the workbooks. There's many parts I just don't buy into on a basic level, and other parts where I struggle to delineate certain aspects. It's just a whole different mode of thinking when I've been in my own all my life.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
266
Location
Scotland
CPN appt went well apart from maybe my tendency to talk more than listen. I probably need practice in conversations. I may need to check my natural instinct to opine and fill spaces, turn all that off and simply try to take in information. My sleep schedule is off (I just woke up) but anxiety and depression are fairly low tonight.

I should check in with my sisters tomorrow as I've avoided them recently.
 
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