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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My life so far.

JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Much the same today; both tired and hyper enough not to sleep, feelings very raw, and mood bouncing around a bit. The GP's surgery messed up my prescription so no sleep aid tonight. After last time's mammoth sleeping session to make up for the weekend's exertions, I'm probably in for a long night. How to fill it, I'm not sure.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Rough few days. I've awakened to the reality that nothing is different and everything seems too big and too ingrained to fix. I'm pretty much wrestling a demon on my own. Family occasionally texting me but what do I say? Tell them my moods are erratic and suicide is an ever-present in my thoughts. It's always on the table even if I'm not holding it and looking directly at it. Somewhat confined from total honestly as it hurts others so I'll be honest here. Nothing's fixed. I'm just trying, and failing, not to look too deeply at my feelings until I get to talk to someone. And will I even be able to open up to anyone? Last time I was on that support the actual support was a case of ''are you better? - less meds'' or ''are you worse? - more meds''. Nothing is fixed because it's not a change of perspective I'm after but a change of reality.

In other news, I got hacked and money got stolen from my account. The bank are looking into it and I got my money back. It just meant having no money for a few days. And another friend died a couple of days ago. Add him to the one who died last month or the one before and it's as though we're in a movie like Final Destination, and they've targeted people I was in a team with back in 2003-2010. I'm a bit morbid and self-involved at the moment.

I'm still in contact with the friend. I don't know why. It's probably a terrible thing. I just don't have the heart to say something nasty and final to her and then cut contact. It would hurt me immensely. I suggested she block me as I'm going to be in rough waters mentally for a while and the temptation to text her will be overwhelming and definitely done at some point. As it is we've texted a few times since last weekend without it being a wailing match. Instead, she texts me occasionally, avoids any difficult talk about what just happened, doesn't tell me anything about what she feels or how things are going with her married friend, and just sends a photo of her and her kid making a quilt. Meanwhile I'm completely beat up and want nothing more than to talk to her in person, have her hug me and say everything will be okay (when was I last touched? like 5 years ago?), and just have her care about me. Just be around. It's the wrong instinct but it's all there, unwanted, with nowhere to go and no future except to subside and just exist like an ugly scar. She's utterly unemotional and matter of fact about everything. I used to think that was just her but I think it's just her towards me.

I'm between empty unthinking (the meds will make this more common, I expect), torturing myself with thoughts of her wild affair, beating myself up for being such a child in a world of adults who all sleep around and are socially and emotionally subtle, guilt towards family (seeing my nieces will be difficult, I don't think they know but they might), utter boredom and disgust with my life and circumstances, occasional flurries of suicidal thoughts.

I'm spending 95% of my time in a bedroom, listening to music, barely dressed a lot of the time, and just existing because I'm supposed to do that, browsing the internet between music, current news, looking at singles sites because my subconscious has decided I need someone to love me (which is probably true but utterly unrealistic), and occasionally breaking things up by taking the dog a walk or going to the shop. It's not exactly fulfilling and it's the life I've been living for a while. Is it any wonder I'm suicidal? My life is empty and always has been, if not to the same degree as now.

Still slap bang in trouble.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
My self-worth was already extinguished as a teenager. Not sure how.

When I was about 14 or 15 I was drinking underage. I think my friend had just went home and I was cutting through a park to go home. Very drunk. I noticed late a group of older people drinking and realised I'd wandered into hostile territory. Soon the comments came; comments designed to provoke and antagonise. You turn one way and someone pokes you in the back. Turn back and get struck from behind. Now, on the ground, try to get up and get kicked down. Again, this time the foot connects with your head and makes a thud that gratifies the gang.

You lie for a while - stunned, outraged, angry but not enough or as much as you should be, just inside your own mind. Laughs, comments, people around. Get up again, hit. A strange inner voice comes from inside you. An odd laugh comes from you. ''Do you think you can hurt me?'', spoken from bloodied mouth. ''Come on. Let's try again''. Someone says ''he's crazy'' and the gang move on.

This is my image of society and my place in it. I can't reconcile with that level of ostracised detachment. I don't want to. And I can't hide the ugly stuff enough from people who never experienced it. I'm the result of it.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
These are the impactful things I remember.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
More of the same today. I had a really lurid dream; some horror about witches with me as the victim. I probably don't need Freud to interpret it. Self-obsession remains at a 10, depression up there too, anxiety a notch down but ready to step up if required.

I contacted her to talk. It's the wrong thing to do. I just felt an overwhelming need. She seems to want to keep me as a stayaway friend at the moment. I suspect we'll not be in contact soon and any third party knowing we had been would disapprove. I couldn't help it though. And it can only make me feel bad.

The initial appointment with mental health team last Tuesday (you've no idea how sketchy a component time is to me these last two weeks) was strange. They aren't meeting in person at the moment but, since I was emergency discharge from hospital made an exception. But it was a 2 on 1, in a little room like a police interview room, with a perspex screen across the table (due to covid) that increased the feeling of interrogation.

Then, in my mind, I quickly separated them into the ''good cop'' and ''bad cop'' and thought I could talk to one a lot easier than the other who seemed more judgemental and dismissive to my hypersensitive instincts.

But I was weird. I was pretty cold sometimes, other times an absolute mess who couldn't speak, then other times I was cracking sarcastic jokes and trying to almost charm them. I think my mood must have presented as everywhere from a 1 to about an 8. And I babbled, other times I was super-eloquent, a lot of the time I was monosyllabic. I remember struggling to think of the right word at times. I wondered at one point what they thought of me and how typical I was. One asked me about my mood on a scale of 1 to 10 and I replied that I always thought those questions were better answered by the interviewer than the interviewee. The bad cop got defensive and talked about the procedure, and why they do it, and I just said it was a joke, meant to show that I don't entirely trust my judgment. The good cop smiled at that. Then when I never knew my previous psychiatrist's name and could only describe him as looking and acting like Michael McIntyre, and they both got his name within a second and answered together, we all laughed....the two psychiatric nurses and the guy who 12 hours earlier wasn't laughing. Later, it's questions about family and nieces and you can't swallow or talk.

How's my mood? I don't know. Erratic? Almost like a crazy person? I don't know doc. How can I judge anything? I can express things but I can't actually know anything or I wouldn't be here now, in this position. I'd be something better.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
But I'm not publicly cracking. So that's a good thing. I mean, I'm spending 98% of the time alone, so there's that, but publicly I'm stone granite, or as best an approximation as I can manage. I was even worried about not presenting as particularly genuine in the psych meeting (about 10 mins prior to getting carved open by the family discussion).
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Messages
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Scotland
But I am pouring myself out - here and to a friend. And I need to stop to preserve my dignity. If any remains.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
My sister's dog died today. It was very quick. The vet found inoperable tumours. I wish I had better news but it's just bad stuff recently. She's very upset.

I'm fairly impenetrable and slow today. That brings up worries of possible future therapy and just not being able to express anything because I get times where I'm just closed and expression is difficult. I feel that way today a bit. It's a relief from recent outpourings and sharper feelings but still not exactly pleasant.

I probably need to knock this smoking on its head too - however difficult that proves. It's not good for mind or body, and the slight moments of numbness it provides, are probably not helpful, and probably bring other problems, especially if we add the psychological history and then medication too. I expect the psych will bring it up and then I'll be in addiction services but my will power is so low that they'd need to tie me down somewhere at some point to stop me seeking because my anxiety can go through the roof. I know this from previous experiences.

But today I'm still to see the psych, and numbed by self-defeating methods of my own choosing. And I can almost just zone out. Almost.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
One nurse asked me about how I filled my time. I said I spent a lot of time alone and was vague about watching tv or reading stuff on the internet (she probably thought I was on some extremist community website or a porn addict). The truth is I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to attain a state of numbness to whatever feelings are rumbling inside me and physically do nothing except lay and look at walls. It's almost meditation, though sometimes chemically enhanced. I'm someone who has always ran from and avoided things. Maybe I do the same thing internally? And with life and time?
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Bad night, as expected. Torturing myself a bit with thoughts that might be true or not; regardless are demeaning and designed to hurt. Suicidal thoughts high. I was at the ''I really have to'' stage earlier. I shouldn't be able to get there just like that. It's too easy.

Procrastinating until mood improves means procrastinating forever -- tasks to do but can't face them. I've sat for 6 hours doing nothing. Not even the tv on. Not tired in the slightest, racing thoughts and it's half 2 in the morning.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
More of the same. I'm pretty lost and left to my own devices. I feel very alone and abandoned. There's no-one really to talk to and nothing much to say that anyone wants to hear. My mind and heart isn't moving.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Suicidal and self-harming thoughts remain high and are regular.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Caught in a trap and I'm not getting out. Every day just this, again and again.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Same again. Sounding like a broken record. Both incredibly bored and envious of people having lives, and anxious and avoidant of any other person. Not a great mix! Also, feel kind of either dead, or raw, still, which is not good either. The facts and circumstances aren't a great mix either. My life's pretty fucked. Just another day trying to keep the head above water for a (at best) dubious future.

Listening to music a hell of a lot. Not in a ''let's change my mood'' way (I can't do that) but more of a ''I feel this, let's find a song that expresses it'' way where I'm reinforcing my feelings. Any outward expression made reinforces them too. Trying not to think (that doesn't work too well in my current ''ripped up and spilling out'' state. Feeling too exposed to society for my liking. And kind of abandoned by community support. Two weeks of no contact after me having to spend two days phoning around to get medication (which has now ran out). Seeing people around is awkward. ''How do you feel now?''. ''You should go for a walk for an hour every day.'' All true - sure - I'm just not in the mood to hear the ''have a good walk and that'll fix things'' line. Family are trying to keep me busy. I feel sorry for them. I don't feel like I'm in a story that works out well. I already annoyed one friend away today with my attitude. Time to contract a bit. People like me even less than normal when I'm carrying this.....depression/feelings/demon. I'm no better though than two weeks ago other than I'm sleeping (that'll change from tomorrow with no meds). I'll probably have fewer friends by the time this works itself out (that concept is almost funny at this point but maybe I mean once this extreme low lifts a bit).

I found some old prozac from a previous medication in a drawer and reckon I have about 3 months worth (that's how much accumulated previously from time I'd be off meds when supposed to be on). I'm tempted to start on a tablet or two a day myself. I might as well be my own doctor right now. It'll take weeks to be effective (and honestly does it really help that much?) but the sooner I start the sooner I might lift myself a bit to actually get the fuck out of this horrible place.

But I shouldn't self-medicate. Especially when unsure about whether such medication has a use by date (something tells me it has). I'm just pissed off at being in this mindset right now and feel I've nowhere to turn that I can really get anything helpful back (however much people try to help or empathise). I'd honestly rather be in some mental hospital right now than left to my own devices. It'd be no different as a lifestyle and I'd be safer and number. I'm not at all safe or right. But this is kind of a normal night recently so I'll numb myself through it however I can.
 
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