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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My life so far.

JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Not as bad tonight. Still have barely moved off the bed but not at a 10 on the scale tonight. Not quite so dramatic. It probably seems very 'boy who cried wolf', I suppose, when viewed over a long period but I have fairly regular low spells now (as privately as I can but for this hopefully anonymous journal) and have for maybe 3 years (and for extended periods prior to that). It takes me over completely and, well...I don't know what to say. It's been the bane of my life.

I have things to do that I've been avoiding; job, doctor, medication. Must make some headway when able. Sleep now if brain will slow down tonight. Found a song I like;
 
P

Princess Zelda

Guest
Low again tonight. Stress headaches. Self-harming thoughts. Thinking of contacting some helpline but really not sure what to say. Haven't ever done it. Don't really want to talk. Don't want to feel like an idiot or want family drawn into things. I'm obviously headed for a crash. Trying to distract myself but can't find interest in anything. I spend far too much time in this state of mind.
Hello. When I used to feel like this I would always listen to music. Especially uplifting songs or just music from movies and video games like Ghibli films, The Legend of Zelda or Child of Light. It always helped me feel a bit calmer and helped me realize that there's still some positive in the world. It's okay to get help if you need it. Try not to blame yourself because of this. I hope you feel better soon.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
I find that difficult because (I think) I'm an obsessive thinker and when things are progressing I find it more and more difficult to break away from those thoughts. It's a bit trance-like.

But it's definitely a good thing to try. Thanks.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Quarantine has brought on an enforced abstinence from weed which has made me very agitated last few days. I'm also wide-awake right now having been up since 5am. I'm living with my parents and have been banned from using the car after a trip last week which wasn't appreciated. They sit and watch the clock when I'm out and then I've got to justify where I've been and the time it's taken unless I'm using the car for purposes deemed suitable by them -- such as dropping things off to family members or picking people up from airports.

With my level of agitation high, I might well do the hours long round trip on public transport tomorrow to stave off this level of agitation for another few days. I should probably contact addiction services and look to get off it but I find it useful at times. In truth, I'm a bit worried about coming off a thing which I've used as a crutch for a while. Last time I tried (years ago now) it didn't work out too well. Then again, it would be good not to be beholden to the whole caboodle. Really wish I lived anywhere else. Tried to do a runner years ago and was threatened with them getting me sectioned. Since then I've been living with them even though it's more damaging than helpful. Nothing improves, I don't want to be here or anywhere else and I'm completely directionless and idle, but it's difficult to say how much is environment now. I've never experienced the reverse so I'm just sort of used to it. Now our relationship is difficult (mother) and non-existent (father - but that's been the case since I was a teenager). There is no friendly or supportive words there. It's all just a 2 on 1 attack. I don't even bother telling them anything any more and haven't since I was a kid. It's not a nice environment which is why I stay in my room. I've been self-isolating since about 1998 and extremely so since 2008. It's extremely ungrateful to think in such a way but although they are my parents, love me in some way, support me in certain ways and everything else, they'd be the last people in the world I would ever go to with my problems because their answer to every problem is the same -- ''you should have done this.'' ''Bullied? Must have done something to trigger it.'' Hell, I never even told them some of the terrible things that happened to me as a teenager because I knew they would reflect it back to me with their victim-blaming. So nothing about getting spiked with drugs, getting bullied, having some creep trying to molest me as a kid, or any of the stuff where actual emotional support might be needed rather than emotional attacks. Everything is reflected back to me and, although that is very true in a lot of my behaviours and attitudes, it really isn't helpful or innovative in any way. I'm not someone who needs knocked down a peg. I've been knocked down more than anyone with zero support. So that's the bitterness that lies at the heart of our relationship problems from my side. I'm sure they have their own long list of complaints. I'm sure I'm a terrible person. In any case, whatever path I need to take through whatever of my life is left, one thing is for sure, I'll be keeping my own counsel as far as they are concerned. I've decided not even to answer simple questions about where I've been and stuff as I'm being treated like someone on parole. I resent the idea that they feel they have a right to even demand to know such things and then sit and say ''well, you've been gone 50mins, it only takes 20 mins to go here and 10 mins to go there, and etc'' and yet, if something needs to be dropped into the aunt in the next town or someone needs picked up at the airport then they simply volunteer me without asking as though my time is theirs to control. I feel controlled. So, from now on, they can keep their car, do their own runs, and I'll use public transport and tell them to mind their own business if they ask where I've been. Lets see what happens next time they are both pissed drunk and need someone to run over and check on aunt and dependant, a run I've made dozens and dozens of times in recent years and my dad (her brother) has done a grand total of zero. With any luck, things will deteriorate further and I'll get chucked out and then maybe I can sort out my life free from their influence and crushing my self-esteem day after day. I might be a totally different person. It would actually be exciting. And that's what fuels my fantasies and just running off.

Ungrateful? Selfish? Feel horrible thinking these things? Feel adolescent and younger than my years and ashamed? Sure. But there's a lot of truth in those feelings. Not that I would ever dare speak them as it would crush my mum (and be unfair) although me and my dad are done and have been for years. I can't even remember a kind word from him. Horrible to say, but I think I'd have got on a lot better without his influence. I'm sure he'd have preferred a better son too.

I'm close to being out of meds too. I missed some psych appointments and got taken off the list so haven't had prescriptions for a while and have been using the built-up reserves (because I'm terrible at taking tablets -- I'm actually very anti-drug despite being a weed addict). Mostly it just doesn't enter my head most days.

It all adds up to I'm heading for a fall again. Can't shake the self-harming thoughts recently. Options narrow every year if they ever existed. No-one to see, no-one to talk to, just stuck in a room myself with my own thoughts for company (which is preferable to being around people). I'm really not a nice person. I don't even feel a need to be a nice person. I don't generally like people. Most people with mental health issues have a crash at some point then work to a recovery. I never properly found my nadir I think. Feels like it's looming though.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Horrible self-hating thoughts, bitterness, resentment, guilt about it all. Meeting harsh words and dirty looks everywhere I go. How's everyone else's self-isolation going?
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Getting estranged from family now. Never had any sort of relationship with my ''dad'' although we've lived together. I only live where I do because I was blackmailed into not leaving by parents saying they'd contact the police and say I was a vulnerable person. This was years and years ago. Since then I've felt like a prisoner in my situation with everything determined for me so that I have no feeling of power within my own life. Do this, do that, where have you been?, we told so and so you'd do this, accusatory looks, hearing yourself being talked about in the next room, my mental health being used against me to control me, dismissed, demeaned, distrusted, treated like my main hobby is burning down orphanages. Pretty sure my environment is a huge aspect on my mental health.

So I'm out on the 18th June. Told them I'll be fine and won't be telling them anything about where I'm going or anything else but that I'll text once a month to show I'm alive.

The last couple of months have been horrible for me. People are talking about me behind my back and the way that man speaks to and looks at me is absolutely disgusting. I've seen battered dogs treated better.

So I'll be cutting him right out my life and taking an extended break from the rest of the family. Whether that is healed afterwards is doubtful. I've 3 weeks of probably having to field drunken requests to talk and awkward environments.

I've nowhere to go but I really don't care. I'll buy a tent and go live in the wilds. After that I'll either be dead or get picked up and placed in some homeless shelter. I consider both these situations a step up.
 
M

MMMiranda

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Joined
May 24, 2020
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Location
China
Hi:hug:. Are you still reading? I used to read Osamu Dazai(a Japanese writer) when I felt depressed, and it's been really helpful to me. Hope you be fine.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Hi:hug:. Are you still reading? I used to read Osamu Dazai(a Japanese writer) when I felt depressed, and it's been really helpful to me. Hope you be fine.
No, I don't read much these days. I did (a lot) when I was younger but when the first big depression hit then I sort of detached from people and had less interest in their affairs, being influenced by them or trying to influence them. I did actually want to be a writer when I was younger (like 10-13) which is quite funny now because my grammar is atrocious.

I mean, I don't read and I do. I haven't read through a novel in decades but I'll have books around me and I'll read a certain passage at a certain time, or try to google a saying or quote at a certain time when it resonates with me but, generally.....no, I'm not that literate.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Beckett, Pinter, Hesse, Levi, Orwell, Murdoch, Kelman, Galloway, Bukowski, O'Neill, Stevenson....I like(d) those writers at various times.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
No communication at this point so just wondering whether we'll actually get until the 18th or things will escalate before that. I wish these restrictions would pass as it would allow me more freedom to move around. Family are starting to close ranks so I'm not telling them anything other than I'm leaving, when, and that I'll text once a month. I have a strong urge to resist being controlled and they all talk about me behind my back so I have to be careful what I say to whom, whether it's the harsh face or the friendly face, it all goes back to the same source, gets reframed, etc. I've had enough of the manipulation. Looking forward to sitting on the side of a lake somewhere, alone, with a camp fire and a tent, and not having to live around people. I'm overdue a holiday. Haven't had one since I was 18 and it was a nightmare! This might be the first holiday that is my choice.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
This Be The Verse has been in my mind in recent times.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Oh. Refound this website after some time away.

Obviously things are bad again. That's the only time I post. I was in hospital last night. I'm not generally a self-harmer but suicidal thoughts are never far away. That means I'm less impetuous as a self-harmer than most but can get there if I'm way down for long enough. Been there twice before. Never hospitalised.

Last night I'd been incredibly low for 3 days. Drinking, smoking, crying, self-harming thoughts, shame, bitterness, plans. Didn't really want to. Couldn't see any other thing to do. Sat with the thought for 3 days before saying to family I wasn't safe and they took me to hospital. I'm now sitting at home waiting on follow-ups from mental health to get me back on meds, attending appointments and hopefully seeing a therapist.

The trigger? Same old heart. Have a long term friend. Always liked her more than she did me. She moved back home, we were spending time together, she was now single so I thought that might change things as the one time I had said I liked her she'd said she couldn't get involved because she had a boyfriend. That was years back.

Then my birthday. She's been getting distant in recent weeks since she moved into her own place. I assume she's met someone so ask her some general questions with that among it. Then she said she had met someone ''kind of''. I'm disappointed but just text back that that's good for her and is he someone nearby. She replies that he is fairly close but not someone she's just met but someone she met at college some twenty-some years ago, kept in touch with, and occasionally met up with over the years.

Suddenly - bang. So it wasn't that she had a boyfriend that she rejected me last time. She was, at that time, having a long term affair, had a partner, and then she mentions she had a lot of affairs over the years. That's all her business but suddenly she isn't who I thought she was and a lot of the stuff I know about her is all false. Suddenly I feel even lower. It's bitterness, probably childish, but I didn't realise how much I cared about it all until it blew up in my face. All those times I'd be rushing to meet her somewhere any time she wanted, desperate for her to like me, it's so pathetic. Meanwhile, while we're doing the domestic stuff during the day like moving in, or going to the park, or going to pick stuff up, and she's meeting this guy whenever he can find a couple of hours away from his partner or wife (not sure on this as she changed her story a bit).

So...yeah....a dose of reality made me reassess my worth. I just wish she'd been a bit more honest with me years back rather than giving me the supposedly kinder ''oh, I have a boyfriend, not now but maybe later'' routine that just kept me hanging on hoping. I've known her since we were 13-14 and we've been in contact for about 10-11 years. I'm completely open myself with a person once they become my friend. I wish she'd just been that way with me. Obviously her heart is her heart and, in my position, I have no right to anything but if I saw someone obviously had feelings for me and they were a friend I'd feel obliged to clear things up rather than be ambiguous. I mean, they are your friend, why message them on their birthday (when they are sitting hoping just to hear from you) and break some lifetime secret in that way? It seems cruel.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
Anyway....the thought that did me in was the feeling that I'd been played a bit at times. Then I felt like a fool. Then any remaining self-worth evaporated. Then it got bad. I started drinking to numb it. It didn't go away. Peaked Saturday night. Came back a few times. Then Monday bad again. So said to family and am now awaiting a call from whatever services rescues poor saps like me.

Now feeling a bit ripped with guilt. Both sisters messaging me. One came with me to hospital. Mum worried. Dad too. I shouldn't be putting people through this at this age, for this kind of stuff, but once you lose control it just spins away. I've never outed my suicidal feelings to family before. They know about the depression, the anxiety, the dysfunction, everything....but I'd hidden previous self-harming incidents (failed suicide attempts -- actually not that much for how long I've been mired in this stuff)) so this is like the first one for them (and it wasn't an attempt for them since I actually went and just said I didn't feel safe rather than acting out first).

But I feel bad and selfish. And I'm not looking forward to seeing people. I have this reaction after being opened up to people (or opening up) of shame, where I don't want to engage.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
And I bounce between that and the super-sensitive, big feelings kind of person. If I had a life it would probably a sort of up and down experience. As it is, it transfers more into energy and willingness to engage rather than just mood.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Scotland
In touch with community health team. Felt awkward during meeting. Already want to close up and escape attention.
 
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