Quarantine has brought on an enforced abstinence from weed which has made me very agitated last few days. I'm also wide-awake right now having been up since 5am. I'm living with my parents and have been banned from using the car after a trip last week which wasn't appreciated. They sit and watch the clock when I'm out and then I've got to justify where I've been and the time it's taken unless I'm using the car for purposes deemed suitable by them -- such as dropping things off to family members or picking people up from airports.
With my level of agitation high, I might well do the hours long round trip on public transport tomorrow to stave off this level of agitation for another few days. I should probably contact addiction services and look to get off it but I find it useful at times. In truth, I'm a bit worried about coming off a thing which I've used as a crutch for a while. Last time I tried (years ago now) it didn't work out too well. Then again, it would be good not to be beholden to the whole caboodle. Really wish I lived anywhere else. Tried to do a runner years ago and was threatened with them getting me sectioned. Since then I've been living with them even though it's more damaging than helpful. Nothing improves, I don't want to be here or anywhere else and I'm completely directionless and idle, but it's difficult to say how much is environment now. I've never experienced the reverse so I'm just sort of used to it. Now our relationship is difficult (mother) and non-existent (father - but that's been the case since I was a teenager). There is no friendly or supportive words there. It's all just a 2 on 1 attack. I don't even bother telling them anything any more and haven't since I was a kid. It's not a nice environment which is why I stay in my room. I've been self-isolating since about 1998 and extremely so since 2008. It's extremely ungrateful to think in such a way but although they are my parents, love me in some way, support me in certain ways and everything else, they'd be the last people in the world I would ever go to with my problems because their answer to every problem is the same -- ''you should have done this.'' ''Bullied? Must have done something to trigger it.'' Hell, I never even told them some of the terrible things that happened to me as a teenager because I knew they would reflect it back to me with their victim-blaming. So nothing about getting spiked with drugs, getting bullied, having some creep trying to molest me as a kid, or any of the stuff where actual emotional support might be needed rather than emotional attacks. Everything is reflected back to me and, although that is very true in a lot of my behaviours and attitudes, it really isn't helpful or innovative in any way. I'm not someone who needs knocked down a peg. I've been knocked down more than anyone with zero support. So that's the bitterness that lies at the heart of our relationship problems from my side. I'm sure they have their own long list of complaints. I'm sure I'm a terrible person. In any case, whatever path I need to take through whatever of my life is left, one thing is for sure, I'll be keeping my own counsel as far as they are concerned. I've decided not even to answer simple questions about where I've been and stuff as I'm being treated like someone on parole. I resent the idea that they feel they have a right to even demand to know such things and then sit and say ''well, you've been gone 50mins, it only takes 20 mins to go here and 10 mins to go there, and etc'' and yet, if something needs to be dropped into the aunt in the next town or someone needs picked up at the airport then they simply volunteer me without asking as though my time is theirs to control. I feel controlled. So, from now on, they can keep their car, do their own runs, and I'll use public transport and tell them to mind their own business if they ask where I've been. Lets see what happens next time they are both pissed drunk and need someone to run over and check on aunt and dependant, a run I've made dozens and dozens of times in recent years and my dad (her brother) has done a grand total of zero. With any luck, things will deteriorate further and I'll get chucked out and then maybe I can sort out my life free from their influence and crushing my self-esteem day after day. I might be a totally different person. It would actually be exciting. And that's what fuels my fantasies and just running off.
Ungrateful? Selfish? Feel horrible thinking these things? Feel adolescent and younger than my years and ashamed? Sure. But there's a lot of truth in those feelings. Not that I would ever dare speak them as it would crush my mum (and be unfair) although me and my dad are done and have been for years. I can't even remember a kind word from him. Horrible to say, but I think I'd have got on a lot better without his influence. I'm sure he'd have preferred a better son too.
I'm close to being out of meds too. I missed some psych appointments and got taken off the list so haven't had prescriptions for a while and have been using the built-up reserves (because I'm terrible at taking tablets -- I'm actually very anti-drug despite being a weed addict). Mostly it just doesn't enter my head most days.
It all adds up to I'm heading for a fall again. Can't shake the self-harming thoughts recently. Options narrow every year if they ever existed. No-one to see, no-one to talk to, just stuck in a room myself with my own thoughts for company (which is preferable to being around people). I'm really not a nice person. I don't even feel a need to be a nice person. I don't generally like people. Most people with mental health issues have a crash at some point then work to a recovery. I never properly found my nadir I think. Feels like it's looming though.
. Are you still reading? I used to read Osamu Dazai(a Japanese writer) when I felt depressed, and it's been really helpful to me. Hope you be fine.
