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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My life so far.

JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Picturing my pool comeback as though I'm a fat Brazilian Ronaldo getting my boots on again. I bet the car's getting used. Talking of fat, I still haven't weighed myself. The 5-yearly weighing ceremony brings grand excitement.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Fat Ronaldo won 6-1, 6-5. I approached mediocrity at times. I think my friend's level is descending even faster than mine. He doesn't own scales either so I'll need to go to my sister's.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
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Scotland
Stress up a bit. Slightly depressed. Annoyed at barking dogs outside and minor irritations. Low activity day. Doing routines after football.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Still in a grumpy mood. The psych phoned today for that appointment. I located scales as well. I reckon I last weighed myself about a decade ago. After all the starving myself these last few months I've lost a massive 1lb in a decade. Kind of an underwhelming result. I'm 12st 12lbs. According to google, standard BMI means someone that height should be between 145lbs and 194lbs (10st 5lbs - 13st 12lbs....I think). Basically....I'm boringly average. I can probably drop the image of being the skinny wee boy now.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Still a bit depressed. Burying myself in plaintive music that hints at what I feel, although I'm not explicitly sure what that is. I never did like Tuesdays. I'm sleepwalking through the recent days a bit. My mood has dipped a bit and the desire to isolate, comfort myself with music, and basically hide has gotten stronger. Conversely, being out and around people makes me feel more awkward at these times. It's the difference between ''about average'' and ''a bit depressed''. There's a palpable darkening. I think this journal has probably run its course.

I suspect the difference between my 5 and 7 in mood is more like the difference between most people's 6 and 9. I finished the workbooks and am waiting for my CPN to get back in touch, as far as the mental health stuff goes. I need a job and am now job hunting again but with no real prospect of getting anything. The process is rough on the self-esteem and moods.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Sinking back into feelings of unease and bleak insights. I'm very lonely and in need of a strong personality around me to influence me out of myself, but I also have the feeling of being poisonous to everyone and everything, and of just not wanting to talk or be bothered with much outside stimulus. Getting deeper into the thoughts and the physical symptoms of anxiety start, if I bother to notice. Trying deep breathing and etc. Need to eat and take meds and cut grass and then exercise.

Bored bored bored and yet can't be bothered with anything. Also very grumpy and easily irritated. I suspect I'm annoyed at no illuminated path opening up after me doing the workbooks and then me going backwards a bit at the end. I thought I was doing so well but now it just seems like a temporary self-delusion. I have to hope this present negative thought is the delusion and things switch around soon. I'll just stick to my routines. If I could properly define why I felt bad then I'd challenge it but if it's just a case of me being annoyed at myself for my mood dipping then the only challenge is to accept it'll happen and keep on a process. That's all I've got. I suspect there's more to it than that if I could really dip into it, but my instinct is that more thinking now isn't good. I'll go do some stuff instead and try not to get transfixed with my own internal monologue, even if I think that's less of a choice than a product of where your mood is. I could choose to do that now but 10% darker and I couldn't. That puts my mood at about 7, maybe 8.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Last couple of days, fairly depressed. Not full-on; but the roots of something. Taking my meds, doing my exercise....not doing much else.

I have this bitterness against everyone that I dare not express or think about too much (bound up in self loathing), but that exists all the same, and it's absolute and unbridgeable except by means outside myself that might not even work anyway. I can't lean into it because it'll make me a worse person, I can't solve it, and I can't carry it...or at least, it regularly hurts to do so. I probably need to find other things to distract myself. Not the boring stuff people usually recommend but something that might actually hold some interest. It'd be good to have more of a life. I missed the boat.

I slept late today and missed calls. Probably the CPN. I guess I've went off the rails a bit. Relative to what it was it isn't major, and I'm hoping things turn around, but I've dipped from about the time I got ill.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Friday and Saturday - much the same. I've ran out of money so either the PPI check never came (I'm now questioning the entire validity of that after being scammed/hacked earlier in the year) or my benefits never cleared last time. I need to investigate or I'll be skint for the next week. I've just been paying things by debit card at the local shop so only just realised I had no money left. I need to get a bank statement and see what hasn't come in, and probably check up my universal credit account and see if I haven't signed something I should or something like that that might have delayed payment. Please don't let it be someone else has hacked my details somewhere.

I've also been called twice when asleep. Once at 7am by a weird 07919 number (I think) and another time by another unknown number. I expect one is the CPN trying to reach me and the other is some scammer (who calls at 7am?). And also received another call from an unknown number and when I answered the guy made out as if I'd called him. Possibly the same person.

So...yeah...seems like someone has my mobile number from somewhere. What the scam is, I'm not sure. I just need to be super-careful about any details I give. I really could just get rid of this phone.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Benefits went in so it's the PPI payment that hasn't. That now has me (possibly a bit paranoid after being scammed) wondering if the actual letter from the bank, on headed notepaper and seeming legitimate, is actually some well-constructed scam in itself. I think I lost my online banking back when my computer got hacked so I'll need to hope the cashline can print statements to try to work out what has happened. I'll contact the bank on Monday and check things out.
 
M

Melon Collie

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Jun 13, 2021
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I have been reading your journal entries and I notice how hard you are on yourself.you say how you are not compassionate. But when u describe the situation with your Aunt in the hospital suffering from dementia you have such patience and understanding with her. Most people would get frustrated and even angry. So give yourself credit where it is due. And needing to be touched whether it be a kiss or hug is normal. We humans are social creatures. That is part of our make up. Sometimes it is us who should initiate the hug or kiss. Even if that is not really what we would do. Maybe we should step out of our comfort zone for the moment. And see how this change in our behavior affects us and others. Many things are lost for want of asking. And fear of rejection. Lets throw caution to the wind. Or not. ?? But we can entertain the thought and if not now then tomorrow. Iam a mature woman of 59 and time is marching on and i dont want fear to use up my time like it has all these years. And now when I'm afraid to do something I say whats the worst that could happen? And more times than not the worst isn't as bad as i would imagine. Just know you are not alone in this depression you have us this forum and we all are feeling it. But we are here to listen and support each other with our opinions and thoughts. . And even if some think its crap so what thats their perogitive...
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Thanks. Sorry. I don't mean to be rude. Just don't know what to say right now. I feel a bit ''out to lunch''. I never do know what to say if someone comments here because it's really just a mood diary and I'm fairly ashamed at most of it rather than particularly comfortable with it. Yes - I'm pretty horrible to myself in my thoughts.

Today. Activity level has dropped to zero and I'm isolating and avoiding. I should be using techniques and thinking from the workbooks but have instead slid very smoothly into this present depression. I'll try to get on top of it in the next few days. I waited ages for the football and then never even bothered watching it. My mood has hit a temporary tunnel.

My younger sister and her partner have covid so they are isolating. They both seem okay. Older sister and her partner already had it maybe 6 months ago.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Skint until Friday. Had avoided that feeling for a while since my hospital visit. Today was much the same mood-wise. I cut the grass later on. Before that I went to the bank to investigate. Benefits went in on the 1st but PPP payment didn't. Nothing came out other than my own withdrawals so that's okay. The branch couldn't tell me definitively whether the PPI letter was genuine but the woman I spoke to thought (as I did) that PPI had finished years ago, and added that it had been outsourced as well, so she seemed skeptical. To me, that means that letter may or may not have been genuine, but I really don't see what benefit there would be to any scammer in writing to a person to say they had unclaimed PPI in a very legitimate-seeming way. What would they get? My mobile number maybe and bank account number. All they could do with that is either put something in my account, phone me or pass my details on to some other third party. It hardly seems that profitable a scam, and it did seem like a genuine letter, so my current opinion is it was but isn't as instantaneous as assumed.

Tomorrow I need to get on the phone to the CPN and reconnect. Hopefully she goes sergeant major on me and kicks me into gear because I've absolutely went AWOL this last while. I'm barely even consciously thinking until times like now when I actively concentrate on a matter. The workbook-stuff has all went out the way because I'm really bad at times like this at consciously feeling and recognizing things until it gets to a retrospective stage. And I'm sleeping a lot. It must be up near 12 hours.

If I didn't have this diary then I'd measure the last two weeks as being about 4-5 days. That's how little I'm doing and how detached I am right now.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
The ''what's the worst that could happen?'' and ''my life is pretty much forfeit anyway, so I should be able to take any ridiculous chance, or want things that aren't for me'' mode of thinking is dangerous too. I've done things like that been very reckless with my own health, my own emotions, other people's feelings, reputation, etc.

It's alluring if you feel trapped in a position without power to imagine throwing caution to the wind in some manner, and there's a feeling of power in it all, but you can get so hurt and cut yourself off so much. Sometimes the worst that can happen is really bad and the ramifications are beyond what can be seen.

It's not even that side of things that irks me. It's that I have so much doubt in myself that I'm unsure what I want. I doubt I want anything most of the time. I think, as far as feelings go, I'm a frog boiling in water. Am I a little hot? Nah, I'm okay. Oh, actually. Too late as I'm now melting but I am a little hot. I think I'm like that.

I'm not sure. I get more doubtful of things as I get darker. A little doubt is good. Too much and you don't get anywhere.
 
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