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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My life so far.

JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Playing this on near-repeat. Not sure what that says about my mood.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Sunny Sunday. Stress maybe 6. Okay. Just prone to laziness today. Going walking. At this rate I'll be in the next Olympics. Maybe if they introduce an event called ''walk a mile and a half to the pub''.

Left the workbooks until Monday to give my mood a few days.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Been ill the last few days. Exercised yesterday. Went to the pub at night. Had a few pints then went home, only to wake up two hours later, then it was 12 hours praying to the porcelain gods. I maybe felt a bit off before it so it was probably a bug rather than an inability to drink. I have a sensitive stomach so I'm never sick and then okay....it's more like my body will heave and heave until nothing is left. I spent the night in the bathroom with a quilt wrapped around me. It wasn't fun!

Feel a bit better now. Took an omeprazol for stomach acid and ate about a quarter of a bowl of soup. Only thing annoying me now is a weird lump in my throat that I'm hoping disappears once I drink a lot of water.

Due to this....I've done nothing of the workbooks or anything else. I've literally just been vomiting for almost a day.

Lovely!
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Socially, I have improved a few things though. The pub I've been visiting have adopted me in a sense, by which I mean the staff are very friendly and asked me to go down to their quiz night. I also met an old friend around town and made plans to contact him next week once he's off call. And another friend wants to play pool now the clubs are open. So I should probably take one friend to the quiz night and meet the other another night for pool. I'm also still using a music site for new music and have various interactions there. Actually, I've more things going on potentially than I have had for a while. If only I could keep food down.

Stress.....dunno....whatever score fits a ''god, I just want to stop being sick''. Note to self; never drink when you feel a bit off.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Not particularly exciting updates.

Not quite as sick yesterday but still couldn't eat or do anything. My routines that I've been keeping up with have all been thrown off -- exercise, meds and workbooks -- which is disappointing because I was trying to be disciplined. I've just not been able to do or take anything these last three days. Not sure whether to blame mussels, or some other factors overall. Then three days lying around in various positions in bathrooms and bedrooms! (Not an exaggeration). Sleep will be all over the place. Probably set myself back a week.

Oh well, suppose I was due a setback. As long as I'm up to date for next week. Just means I'll need to do more this weekend to compensate. To be honest, I'm just happy to have stopped heaving, have my throat feel better, and not feel so sick. I'm almost at the ''thinking longingly of food which you then can't really eat'' stage. Probably just need a decent sleep and then to eat. I did think that 24 hours ago too. I had a bacon sandwich earlier though so that's me officially back on food.

Mood - pretty good really. Thankful not to be face down in a cistern. That's worth about 7 points on its own.
 
J

Jono

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Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
133
Location
Cornwall
A few days ago I visited a friend who was over from China. I've liked her since we were at school and kept in touch through social media but she never had any feelings for me so I just remain a friend. She has a new baby. I played with the baby while she tidied her house. I enjoy it. It's easy. Two hours pass like minutes. Inside I'm a little sad because I realise I'll never have a child of my own. I'll never know whether I'd be a bad dad, raise another like myself, or be fantastic at it all because I'd be so scared of failing. I could stomach failing at almost anything but not that. I'm going up again next week. She only visits every 5-7 years so I don't expect to see her again. I must be near the end of it all.

So that's about it. If anyone is hiring depressive drug addicts with no work experience in central Scotland then please message me. I could use a saviour. That's my problems. It's not that much, I'm not an orphan, I wasn't born in a war zone with atrocities all over. I'm not sure why I'm the way I am. I don't even like to attribute anything to anything because it just feels like passing the buck. I'm 42. I should have grown beyond this.

But that's what it is.
Excellent telling of your story , hope you get some help and relief soon . Always here to listen if you want👍👍
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Still slowly on the mend. Slept for a ridiculous amount of time last night after eating some soup. 15 hours+. This entire week is a washout. Any chance of a stomach transplant? (Although mine's has been at rest for the last day at least, I'm still not hungry. My diet plans would be the stuff of legend.)
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Tuesday now. Still recovering (believe it or not). I stopped being sick about 3 days ago but I'm still struggling to eat enough and feeling very weak due to it. Dizziness and lack of energy a problem through illness. Also sleeping for inordinate amounts of time. 13 hours last night. Similar lengths of time the previous nights too. I'm back on exercise and meds, although not feeling too healthy and finding it more difficult than two weeks ago.

I had a telephone appointment yesterday with the CPN which I postponed as I'd done nothing since around 8 days ago. I need to get back on my routines. Things were going well up until then, but since I got ill my days have been cut right down. I need to catch up on the booklets and also the job hunting (appt tomorrow). I've also been quite asocial and cut myself off. I've literally done nothing for about a week except stay within 20 feet of the toilet.

I get my 1st vaccine shot on Friday.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
My mood has dipped a little. Nothing major. Just got ill, and then a bit depressed at how long it's taken to feel okay, and how it's thrown me off things a bit. I feel more out of my natural environment when I go out if I'm not in the habit so I think the week in the bedroom left me feeling a bit vulnerable physically and mentally.

I also feel very old recently too. Too old for further education. Too old to jump on the career ladder. Too old for anything to do with relationships. Too old and too inexperienced and too needy. Always too much of something and never quite right. Goldilocks. I've a Pinocchio thing too. I could probably connect other Disney characters and get a real theme going, if I put my mind to it. I've the ears for Dumbo. Can't say I ever wanted to fly (invisibility for me) but I could work something out.

They may be connected a little in that one probably triggered feelings in the other.

I should go for a walk somewhere before it gets dark. Meds taken. I'll grab my workbook and go sit in the beer garden for an hour and actually try to get through things. No-one will be outside anyway so it'll just be me. I can drink a coke and watch the sun go down. Grab a banana for energy.

Oh.....weird good things happening out of nowhere. The bank want to give me extra PPI money. I never asked for it. I thought that had all stopped years ago. They wrote me a letter saying I was entitled to nearly 2 hundred pounds. It made zero impression on me whatsoever so I had to get prompted to fill in the form by my mum there. I honestly have zero physical or mental energy right now.

I'm also feel a bit weird about people being nice to me. It must be guilt at not doing much recently and just generally. The CPN -- when I emailed her about half an hour before our scheduled appointment and asked to postpone -- is always supportive and sympathetic, and I always sort of want someone to be really tough with me for some reason. I don't know why. I have a job centre appointment tomorrow and the adviser there has been exactly the same. I expect I'll be a bit distant and wary tomorrow and she'll be exactly the same and I'll feel exactly the same. I don't know why people being nice to me makes me feel weird. I think my self-critical part wants looked down at and punished but why would a part of me be so obviously masochistic or self-defeating?

And another thing.....I wasn't going to mention it because it all seems so implausible that it has the danger of making me appear to be an unreliable narrator.....I was getting some uncomfortable attention it seemed like, fairly flirtatious, for around a week I guess (I doubted it at first), which should make me feel good but actually makes me feel bad because in the first instance I see it as ironic, so feel offended. Then, when it seems genuine, I notice a massive age difference and am in a moral quandary and can't not think about it as have to feel prepared for any scenario that might come my way since to not be prepared leaves you in a situation where flight sometimes comes into the mind under pressure or, if not that, then some rude and inappropriate response. And beyond that there would be the obvious worries about how would I explain my life and circumstances, am I even cut out for any of this, and what future would it have anyway and, if none, then is it even worth it just for the moment? So flirting in my direction is very flattering, I guess, though actually more baffling, but does it really need to be someone half my age? I'd feel like a dirty old man (I already do now). And why is it even happening because it hasn't before? Am I sending out signals unknowingly by looking too long or saying the wrong things? If I am then I don't notice it. I don't get it. I'm not attractive, never have been, and have grown accustomed to that reality, and I'm probably in some sort of post-crisis weird psychological stage too so not exactly fun to be around. Why does this stuff seem to only happen to me after I've been in some crisis? Anyway....don't worry, I'm going to resist that temptation. I'm not going to avoid the place altogether as it's only a bit of friendliness perhaps (although I'm not in the habit of seeing stuff that isn't there that elevates me, I tend to go the other direction and not see stuff as genuine), but I've amended my walk so I'm only going there once or twice a week rather than every day. I only set it down there to start with because it's scenic, it was open, and the distance is about right for me. Anyway....some young pretty woman has inexplicably been very friendly and that turned a bit flirtatious last weekend. Nothing happened. I got ill and did a runner from the pub the very night it peaked and have only been in once since. It just sent me into a bit of internal moralising about hypotheticals, and that probably also made me think about my age.

So...yeah....the world is being weirdly nice to me in various ways and that makes me feel bad somehow and want to drop out and isolate or run away. I don't get it. I may well awaken to a reality that I'm just not a very nice person and some internal mechanism within me is simply bent to self-destruction or self-sabotage.

Also...question to anyone around their 40s. What's the age range on prospective partners, either relationship or sexual? Just out of interest. I never really thought about it but it's probably about a decade either way, I guess. I've never really had that examined by being placed in that position so it's all theoretical.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Add it to the pile of things which other people would feel happy about but that actually make me feel kind of anxious, confused and full of self-doubt and moral agonies. If I can't even be happy in situations where other people are happy then what chance have I? Maybe I am anhedonic?
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Job hunting and diary today. I did go a walk last night but not to anywhere, just around (a mile if lucky). I was knackered after no distance at all. I also need to buy trainers somewhere. Presumably those shops are open. If not, I probably need the exercise anyway. I go down the street so seldom, and take so little notice, that I've no idea whether we have a shoe shop or whether our Asda sells running trainers (running seems overly-ambitious this last week but that was the plan at one point).

Maybe I can find some bad news today to make me feel good. :) Who am I kidding. I know it doesn't work like that.

Stress is about 7 and it should probably be about 4 or 5.

The other thing I need to do today is the booklet. Not being behind would be good for my mood.
I should try to learn who I am. I don't seem to like feelings of guilt, being behind, doing less than I'd like, or the feeling of being weak or ill. I'm also probably a control freak, in the sense that I don't like not being in control, or having other people take control away from me.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
So being punctual, dedicated, thorough, reliable and functional enough to have some basic responsibilities would probably be smart........if I've any self-betterment in me at all. Living with shame could be deadly in the longer term. Hyperbole? Probably not.

As might be clear from the language; I'm struggling a little bit since I got ill. Not majorly. Nothing compared to two months ago, but a little bit - yes. I felt very vulnerable (and fussed over) by getting so ill over something that seemed so innocuous. Then all my routines stopped and I felt bad about that (and also off meds for about 4 days). And then my mood darkened. I can feel it in my interactions with other people recently. I probably just need to actually do some stuff and stop thinking about it. I suppose at least I'm thinking again. That's an increase in energy in itself.

I need to accept ups and downs and not blame myself for them.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
328
Location
Scotland
Unless, of course, I have actually done something that I can fix. But generally; I think ups and downs in mood are going to come to me (and maybe everyone) regardless -- even on meds. It makes no sense to kick yourself for feeling bad. There's a reason and it's rational. Even if there wasn't; it's only a feeling. They are meant to go up and down.
 
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