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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My life so far.

M

ManDss

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Hi there, just found your topic. I read some of your firsts posts and some of your lasts.

Dont know how are you this days, hope you are doing bettee.

You write very well.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Thanks. I'm okay. Out of the danger zone I think.

Long walk done. I took the dog down to a pub a couple of miles away and sat outside and had a pint. Last time I drank I ended up in A&E and I don't really want to be someone who can't have a drink, so this was me testing my limits. The pub is miles away and down a long hill so it takes ages.

While there I met a woman I went to school with who took a shine to my dog (she can have him as far as I'm concerned). I barely remembered her but pretended I did. I think we were in the same registration class 1st and 2nd year. Those weren't really memorable times for me.

I also saw what I thought was the same horse who I feed everyday down at this other part of town. I asked the woman (with kids) whether it was that horse (it wasn't) then asked if I could take a pic. No, because there were kids there. I forget that society has this open assumption that anyone taking photos including kids could be a paedophile. I understand though because those people are out there.

I'm going to do something similar before dinner every day now (possibly without the detour to the pub). It keeps exercise up and probably makes me hungrier and hopefully faster to sleep.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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I'm still a bit cut up emotionally at night when I'm on my own, usually momentarily before returning to normal. It can be about this or that. It's not massively self-critical though and just feels like a natural sort of response to thoughts.

Someone might suggest I should not be alone, and simply not give opportunity to that kind of thing, but I actually like being alone a lot, and maybe I repress stuff around people and need to exercise that process away from them? I don't know. I like to listen to music and process my thoughts out of the way of everyone.

In any case, I don't really want to be a flat line emotionally. If I can avoid the dangerous extremes then I'll take that.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Stress 5. Mood fine again today.

Went a long walk again. Will try to do this every day. No excitement today. It was raining hard so not many people are out. No collapsed men. No lookalike horses.

Ebay update. The 10 working days have come and gone (plus extra days) and my money hasn't been taken back off. Hoping this means that - despite lack of communication - ebay and the bank have sorted things out between them. I also got an email from google about non-payment of google ads. I've never had any google ads. I don't even know what they are. Presumably they are online ads for someone's online business. Well, I don't have any of those. The payments would fail because they'd have been made by the hacker using my old card details. Since I changed my card that payment, and any other I don't know about, should fail.

I also found a trojan virus on my pc that might account for all this. The anti-malware had been disabled somehow but, once reenabled, it found something called something like BeautySpot Ltd in my system32 registry which it detected as a trojan. I guess that's been there for about 4-5 weeks, sending info from my pc somewhere. I'm just going to avoid online purchases altogether. I've only ever bought one thing from ebay (legitimately) so I'm hardly a big online shopper.

Now to watch the snooker. Haven't bothered this year but will watch the final session if it's still going.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Mood now settled into a 5, I'd say. Still doing my walk every day. I was late out tonight so it was entirely without event.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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My older sister has been trying to get me to go hiking for ages. I really don't know how to say ''I'd really rather not'' in a way that she'll accept. It's been going on for years; for about as long as she's been into it.

She loves all that. I mostly find it very boring. The West Highland Way! I'm barely managing to go for a walk for an hour each day and then feel relaxed as soon as I get in and as soon as I mention going for a walk one day, maybe to get a drink at the pub, it's ''let's do this, let's do that''. I wish she'd listen when I say ''thanks, but it's not really something that interests me, I'm just doing gentle stuff around home, not planning on going week-long journeys away from home''. She always jumps ahead and just keeps trying to persuade, regardless of any answer I give.

The thing is....I generally want to be on my own. I don't mean it as a slight on anyone but I'm not ready to go and do big walks that I've no desire to, nor do I want to meet loads of hikers, nor sleep rough in a tent, nor be around anyone for hours at a time, nor umpteen other things. I wish for once people would just listen to what I say and take it as important rather than a position to be beaten down.

I'm not bending for other people any more. Maybe later, but not right now. The answer is no, no matter how many different ways the question gets asked. I know what I'm ready for and what I want.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Stress...let's put 6 today. I'm bored stupid.

Back on the prozac from today. One tablet to begin with. My stomach should be able to hand that without the omeprazol.

Still doing the long walk each day. It's kind of boring. Not much happens!

Beyond that, I'm basically just trying to keep myself amused with music and youtube. It's not like I really have anywhere to go, or anything to do, and since most things are closed anyway I really don't have many options. I'm so peripheral to everyone.

But I'm bored, lonely and in need of human interaction that I probably don't even want (at some level).
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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It's about 6am. I woke up unexpectedly around half 4. I've no idea what I was dreaming of but I woke up hungry and depressed, and still dressed from last night (so when I fell asleep, I've no idea...midnight-ish, I'd guess). I'm not sure if I'm staying up yet or going back to sleep. I've been sitting playing music. I could put music down for a while, to be honest. I've been listening for hours every day and that's okay, until you start running out of things you really want to listen to and end up repeating a lot. It's really just something to engage my brain a bit. Call it my self-medicating effort to replace meditation. If I don't do that then I'm into writing here or elsewhere and I'm too neurotic for that, I think. I can check in once a day or a few times, but I don't want to be sitting writing for hours on end. If I dive too deep into my thoughts and feelings for too long.....I doubt it leads anywhere good.

I've given things a good spin recently, and it is improved and out the danger zone, but it's all still a bit barren and pathetic and depressing as a set of circumstances. Each day is pretty boring. Get up, do a bit more housework, walk around a bit, eat, walk again, go to room and listen to music or write; then repeat. All very self-contained, self-focused, detached and empty. It's not really much of a life. It feels like a managed decline.

Nothing dramatic. I'm just (incredibly) bored and a bit introspective after waking up in a mood. I'm slowly becoming the sort of person that hangs around town centres for interaction. :) (Too close to true to be funny). There was a time when people on public transport used to bother me and now I'm going to be the other person. What fun!

I'm also sick of waking up alone. Can't do much about it in my present condition of mad-eyed depressive with no self-esteem or life, but it should be noted all the same. Sometimes I wake up and feel really alone. A lot of the time it doesn't bother me. Recently it has a lot. And I feel old suddenly too.

What will I do today? I could go for a drink and be today's man-in-the-road. Not sure how to get the full foaming-mouth effect but I could give it a damn good go. Any further suggestions that seem like fun rather than the ''you could do the garden'' ones? I need something fun.........................come on brain, here's your chance to impress.........

Nope. No ideas. I guess all that's open is shops, country parks and garden centres. And pub beer gardens (seems risky). I think anyway. My interest in the news dropped off some months ago so unless it's alien attack or WW3 then I'm unlikely to know. Anything I do know comes via osmosis. Speaking of which....

....I just remembered today is voting day. A chance to pretend to be an upstanding citizen. Yeah!

I feel a ''vote-then-beer-garden-with-newspaper plan'' forming. Although I'm actually still kind of tired despite being up for about two hours now. I'm pretty sure two hours is too long a gap to go back to sleep and count it as a split sleep. Also, there were hailstones yesterday and I'm not sure whether pub interiors are open or just outsides (now wondering if there's some serves food stipulation.....hmmmm...feels familiar). I don't fancy it if it's too cold.

I awoke in a bad mood. Does it show? I feel like it does but I can never really judge....anything really. I'll try sleep and hope I don't then sleep through to the afternoon.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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These diary entries quickly got a bit boring. Usual. Mood, around 6. Bored, pissed off, lonely, grumpy, etc. Nothing dangerous; just disagreeable. Did some housework. I went for a long walk. Then I voted. It rained. Nothing else happened. Then I fell asleep because I awoke so early today. Then I slept till 9pm so now I expect to be awake most of tonight. Put it down to ''fell asleep through boredom''. Another exciting day.

I've ran out of distractions and interests altogether. A lot of this is down to the empty life and environment. The hypersensitivity probably, and weirdness (because people do look at me strangely, as though I might present some kind of danger).
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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I know that sounds like paranoia, but it isn't. I have eyes that betray my mental state, and never being good leaves you looking a certain way that presents to the standard person as someone to be wary of.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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I'm spending my time with music and my own thoughts. I stopped watching tv and movies years ago (generally). Recently -- as in the last year maybe -- I've been making playlists. It's mostly for myself because I can easily lose songs. Retrospectively, I find it interesting as an idea of what was going on in my head and life. That'd be easier with someone whose tastes weren't so set but is still a little bit true of me. It's all sad, downbeat stuff as you'd expect (more or less).


And there's others. Kind of boring and probably just the actions of someone trying to fill time or occupy a mind.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Still awake obviously, after sleeping during the day yesterday and after the half sleep the night before. Mood is pretty low thinking about a long series of days stretched before me, with no-one that wants me around or is someone I want to be around, no job, no real hobbies, etc. Mental state is one thing, but you'd have to be insane to be content in my barren waste of a life.

Let's call this a momentary 7. Still awaiting salvation.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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On the up side, the 5 mile walk is getting me fitter, even after an almost-week. For what?....is the question.

And...physical anxiety...pretty much stopped altogether. An hour yesterday with the leg shaking but that was the 1st of that in a while. I'm not even sure how conscious that is. I barely notice sometimes. Other times I question whether my brain is consciously doing it through routine.
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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So if this is week 1 of my exercise increase then I've added a 5 mile daily walk. My plan next week is to add something else. Maybe sit ups or press ups, morning and night. I may be overestimating myself but that's the plan. How many I don't know. Let's see how it feels. I'm naturally skinny, so if I get too far into the health kick I'll probably end up looking like Iggy Pop. At the minute I'm kind of skinny-fat to my mind, but that's never to be trusted on these things.

I'm a bit wary of getting too physically conscious as I've trained myself not to take much notice of my physical appearance (with due results) due to childhood poor self-image that veered into BDD- type of thoughts. I've not spoken about them here or with anyone. It's an embarrassing topic. It's awkward because I'm generally ugly to begin with; but my feelings went far beyond that reality into a self-critical obsession, easily triggered and often permanently marked by exterior comments. They became less the focus of my anxieties as I aged, but they went along with the poor self-esteem and contributed to the aversion to social groups in the early phase. I (sort of) moved past that as I got older by not having images of myself around or noticing my body much, so by basically putting it in that corner of the mind marked ''don't look at this, nothing good will come of it, no-one wants to hear and nothing said can make either party feel better'' but I retain massive negativity to my own image; a feeling for which I now feel guilty and overly-materialistic in my old age, but is there, strong as ever, all the same.

That's why I've no idea of my weight (no scales) so can only guess I've lost weight by how I feel and what I know I've been eating (that's now increased). I don't really have much of a physical aspect, in any sense. My life is all up in my head (and what a mess it is -- I'm so bored of my own thoughts). So, 6-7 weeks ago, as suicidal thoughts and feelings accumulated and started to race; that increased even more so. I guess that's why the physical stuff gets avoided, is underdone and unthought of. All this would go on over many months usually; it's a step by step thing rather than a thing precipitated by one event. You can see how each unhealthy part feeds the other. You get enraptured by your own thoughts, retreat into them, neglect yourself utterly, become stranger and more isolated, weaker, stranger, weaker,.....it's all self-perpetuating. Cycles, as in the booklets. But, if you have these cycles with stations, feeding the next, then imagine if none of the stations work. It's difficult to get it all going until you've enough stations working individually. This is all in the booklets later on; creating your own thought cycles, both negative and (hopefully) a counter positive one. I suppose I need to just do as many things as I can that are on the positive cycle and hope each generates the next, or helps out a lot.

Yet, knowing this stuff rationally doesn't undo the fact that the negative cycle works...and it does work incredibly well. I can rationally go through it and even hit upon the odd correct sentiment, but I'm not sure I can give overall value to myself as a person yet and I guess I have to eventually. It's such an intrinsic thing. I realise I can't suicide and am not in the mental state now to consider it, so I'm not at that extreme, but I still can't go the other way and give myself much value, and I think I'll need that to survive long-term. I survive, like a skulking sort of fugitive life-form, sort of unappreciative of life, and suffering it. :):):)

Sounds harsh, and bleak even for myself, but feels genuinely true on some deep level.

How does Pinocchio make himself a real boy?
 
JamesWM2051

JamesWM2051

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Shaking a bit this morning. Nothing major. A bit of physical anxiety to go with the slight dip, sleepless night and ruminations about all this being out on display but unfixable. Just the standard stuff. I'm writing far too often. I did say I was bored.

What wonders await today? A walk, per chance?
 
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