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My life is messed up...I dont know what to do.

L

Lemur

New member
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
Messages
4
I really could do with some advice. I dont know who to talk to or where to get any guidance so I am posting here.

I feel like my life is a total mess and I dont know what to do about it. I dont know what the solution is, but I am getting older and I cant live like this for much lonnger. I look at my future and I just have no idea what I will be doing 5 years, ten years from now.

I am 31 years old and most of my life was spent unemployed or working low end jobs like tele sales or bar work. I have had problems with alcohol and shyness for a very long time. This led me to stay living with my father, mostly unemployed, for basically until a year ago, when I decided to move to Spain and be a TEFL teacher.

I have no idea what I want to do with myself in this world. Absolutely no idea. I thought I would teach english in a foreign country for a year and hope that I change in some way or learn some new things and develop myself, and I feel like I have, a lot, and for a time I was not thinking about these things, I felt like I had a purpose in the world and I was living hapily....but my job here is coming to an end at the end of june and I have no plan of what to do after that. I just dont know.


I suppose I will continue to teach for another year. I will be 32 when I finish that and I expect I will still have no idea of what I am doing with my life. I studied english literature at university and I graduated in 2006. Since then I have largely delayed making any kind of decision as to what to do with my life. I have always had these worries that I have now and they just dont go away. In fact they get worse with age because you are older and there is a need to find your place in the world.

I just feel so terrible. I feel so lost. For the past few weeks, thinking about this, I have seen a return of my behaviour to that depressed type of behaviour that I had in England: I am drinking everyday. I spend a lot of time alone, I am sleeping later and not sleeping well. I just have this return of this terrible feeling that has crippled me for so long. I am even smoking. I know I need to stop with the drinking and smoking, it makes everything so much worse.

I just feel like I have messed up my life.

This fear of responsibility extends to relationships too. Because I am shy I tend to use online dating sites to meet women. I have short relationships that go nowhere. I break them off because I feel that my life is not ready for a serious relationship, or I begin relationships that I feel will be short.

For example, I have been seeing a woman nine years older than me. I have been seeing her for around 5 months now. She is a wonderful person and I have a lot of fun with her, but I just do not feel that it could work in the long term. There is an age gap for one, second of all, even though she is attractive, I am not sure if I am really fully attracted to her, a lot of the time I feel like I just see her because I am lonely and I have nobody else to spend my time with. The idea of having someone to do things with is great, but over time I have seen her grown very attached to me and she has strong feelings for me, which I really tried to avoid. So I have broken off the relationship because I just couldnt make the decision to commit. The attraction is not strong enough even though I like the idea of being with somebody. She is also very financially stable and I could see many positives to being with her long term, I feel this would be very selfish of me to stay with somebody for these reasons.

I have had a string of relationships like this. I am with somebody for a time and then I break it off when it gets too serious because my life is a mess and I question whether I really like the person or not. I always feel terrible afterwards. The feeling of guilt and regret consume me to such an extent. I feel terrible about hurting people and I still feel bad for breaking this off, but I just felt it wasnt right. I do that too. I feel a relationship is not right and I keep it going past the point of that realisation. I do this for many reasons, one of them not wanting to hurt the other person, but as more time goes by I guess I hurt them more. The other is that I am afraid of beiing alone.


The problem is that if I continue like this then my life will always be lonely. I will always be wandering around not knowing what the hell I am doing with my life. I will always be poor. God, I really hate what my life has become, I hate my mind. I just cant stand it.................
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,585
Location
On a comet
Hello there, I'm sorry to hear about you feeling this way. Your still so young and you still have your whole life ahead of you. Why not spend some time looking at possible careers paths. I now want to work with dogs but before all this, I was going to go into science, then i'm glad I didn't. From there it was some sort of computing stuff, then coding/web design. Eventually I now want to help and work with dogs.

As for relationships, I think what your doing is a little counter productive. Why not now focus on yourself and your life's path whilst also gaining strong friendships. I believe this will give you alot of confidence and a support network. Eventually in a year or so? you can look into have a relationship again.

Ultimately it's your call what you do, I just want the best for you and everyone. Don't ever give up ok? Your not alone.
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
It does sound like you are hovering on the edges of a depression, and have some habits that may turn into something troublesome. Drinking and a messed up sleeping rhythm can become big problems. If I were you I would start with making a commitment to health: regular sleeping hours, good sleep hygiene (google it), regular exercise, less alcohol, healthy food, good nutrition.

Secondly I think I would explore a bit more what it meant for me to have meaning in my life: for some people it is work, for others it is their friends and extended family, for yet others it is their children and loved ones. But these things are a biological and social destiny, there is a framework of meaning beyond that which goes into philosophy and spirituality. When you really start wondering about what you are doing these are things you explore, and when you do you embark on a quest, to see where you fit in.

Lastly it sounds like you have some issues with relationships. I would suggest reading some self help and philosophy on this, for example Osho on relationships. This may help clarify things for you. Long term you are going to have to think about whether you want a family. I think you currently have some good opportunities to have one, and that's no small thing, and will help you feel less lonely.

I wouldn't worry so much about work and career. It is what it is, and will change throughout your life. Being a teacher is a worthwhile thing, bringing beauty and skill to younger minds.

Best of luck :)
 
FriendsAreFriends

FriendsAreFriends

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
59
Location
Norway
End of december...spring arrives:)

:welcome:

In regards to loneliness, thou hurtful it may be at times, living alone can give great benefits. Time to ponder, not loosing sleep over a snooring girlfriend, not having to deal with the up and down emotional rollercoster woman often can be...

For my own part I started out lonely, and ended up in a state of relaxing solitude, with no girl or friends - only family and aquintances. And thanks to "a rich inner life" I was able to ajust - leaving the option of friends and girlfriends open for later...

Career matters nothing to me...having self-respect, self-compasion and self - awareness of the fact that a great many people in my sorroundings - thou clumsy they may be in action - really do love me a lot.

I hope it works out for you. That you value your self highly, ...

also in regards to mental issues: the simple is always the best. Like a girl?? Tell her!! Shy?? Be courageous!! Dont master it?? Keep on trying!! Actually it was a multi-millionaire who said: Sucsessfull people are common people who have failed so many times - never giving up - untill they at last made it!

Today is the day to do something fun!!

Kenneth.
 
C

Caro5

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 3, 2015
Messages
169
Location
Too far from home
Most people don't know what they are doing with their lives it's just they don't stop to think about it. You are only 31 so most of your life is still ahead of you. It seems to me that if you read your own post then you will see that you already know a lot of the things you need to do. Now you have to find the courage to go ahead and do them which will involve learning to look after yourself and accept who you are.
 
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