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my life has been a complete lie.

1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
74
so i got some unsuspected news last night that's changed everything for me. so long story short around 4 maybe 5 years ago (when my mental health started declining) i had an argument with a close friend. it went something like "your self centred you need to think of other people and their feelings"ect. then the next day i get a message off her.... it read "this is _ mum. my daughter committed suicide last night because of you, you had an argument with her and it pushed her over the edge." it said more but yeh.
i never message back because what do you say to that right?
anyway yesterday i logged onto my pc to find an old streamer we all used to watch was live. i popped in to say hi and well my friend who was "dead" was talking in chat. i pulled her up on it and all i got back was "oh you believed that? id say im sorry but im not"
i ended up overdosing last night, im just so confused and worked up and i dont know what to do anymore. when i was told about her killing herself my whole life fell apart, its how i got ill i couldnt manage with the idea that id killed someone it broke me massively. now its like this past 5 years was a complete lie, its like i should have never be going through all this id still have my old life. still have my old job and be happy. i feel like ive been robbed of my life :( i am so lost.

then im questioning my self. how bad of a person was i for her to literally fake killing herself just never talk to me again ?i dont know im just really worked up ect
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
USA
Um no SHE’s the crappy person. Who the heck does that? She went five years and never said “just kidding btw”? You thought you wronged her but no matter what you did she’s obviously wronged you too. I’d say forget her! Any guilt you felt should be gone.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,599
Location
Nowhere
awww Im so sorry Roppo !
that is really sick of her and even more so of her mother
who should know better

just goes to show we never know why someone took their life
or whether they even did so

has your social life suffered as well
you could really do with some good friends right now
on the ground as well as here

:hug5:
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,066
Location
Norfolk
so i got some unsuspected news last night that's changed everything for me. so long story short around 4 maybe 5 years ago (when my mental health started declining) i had an argument with a close friend. it went something like "your self centred you need to think of other people and their feelings"ect. then the next day i get a message off her.... it read "this is _ mum. my daughter committed suicide last night because of you, you had an argument with her and it pushed her over the edge." it said more but yeh.
i never message back because what do you say to that right?
anyway yesterday i logged onto my pc to find an old streamer we all used to watch was live. i popped in to say hi and well my friend who was "dead" was talking in chat. i pulled her up on it and all i got back was "oh you believed that? id say im sorry but im not"
i ended up overdosing last night, im just so confused and worked up and i dont know what to do anymore. when i was told about her killing herself my whole life fell apart, its how i got ill i couldnt manage with the idea that id killed someone it broke me massively. now its like this past 5 years was a complete lie, its like i should have never be going through all this id still have my old life. still have my old job and be happy. i feel like ive been robbed of my life :( i am so lost.

then im questioning my self. how bad of a person was i for her to literally fake killing herself just never talk to me again ?i dont know im just really worked up ect
I find their behaviour totally despicable if I’m honest as they could have easily killed you with their behaviour. It is a tribute to your strength and tenacity that you are still here my friend. Your only course of action in regard of them is to put them out of your mind and think you’ve survived and can move on.
Try not to ruminate about the past nor project into the future. Just focus on this present moment.
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
74
I'm trying to forget but I'm just constantly thinking about it. I just feel so lifeless. I feel like all my mental health and everything I've known this past 4 years it's all irrelevant. I just want to stop e everything now and just be alone
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,066
Location
Norfolk
I'm trying to forget but I'm just constantly thinking about it. I just feel so lifeless. I feel like all my mental health and everything I've known this past 4 years it's all irrelevant. I just want to stop e everything now and just be alone
There is no point is thinking of the past as it will only give you pain. Just focus on where you are at this present moment and how you can look after yourself moving forward with your life.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
USA
It wasn’t irrelevant within that moment because you actually believed that something had happened to her. It’s not your fault for feeling bad. That just means you’re a caring person. Now with the new info yes you can reframe your view of HER. but your view of yourself shouldn’t be damaged because you reacted then based on the info that you had.
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
74
It's just horrible knowing that all my mental health issues came from this. All the work I've been doing, all the stuff I've talked about and all the self harm. It's all because I hated myself because of her. All the harm I've done to my own body and all the problems I'm probably going to have in the future because of overdoeses. For what... For it all to be one sick lie. I honestly don't know how I can live with it.

Im letting this get to me I know but I can't manage this so I don't know what else to do. I've stopped taking my meds as of last night, I just can't push through this anymore I'm done fighting. What am I even fighting?? Should I even be ill? Because I was ill because of her and the blame I got.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,030
Location
USA
It doesn’t invalidate all you’ve gone through. You shouldn’t be upset with yourself for having struggled or felt ill. It wouldn’t have been your fault if she had ended her life but it’s still not your fault that you went through this now.

I’m sure it’s hard to validate to yourself why you are currently in the place you are. But you should try to be kind to yourself and recognize that your reactions were quite normal given what you knew then. And of course your anger at what you’ve found out now is totally reasonable too. It is an awful situation. You deserve to take some time to process it and heal and to seek any help that you need.
 
S

smallgeezer

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
263
Location
Europe
better off without that sort of friendship./..TOXIC *cough cough*
 
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