My life doesn’t feel real anymore

J

Joinr1232

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Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Abilene
#1
It’s not something that happened overnight, just a feeling that became stronger with each passing year into adulthood.

When you’re a kid you probably don’t think when you grow up you won’t even feel like a person... Full disclosure now, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 6 months ago, so to anyone who is familiar with borderline ramblings or drama and is annoyed by it, this most likely isn’t something you’ll want to continue reading..

But for those saints that do, here’s my deal; I feel like a bunch of different people, but it’s also like I’m nobody, I know this is relatively normal for people suffering with bpd, but it’s still incredibly confusing, as well as tiring.

When my dad died last year, I think that’s when the final lines of connection to my life were severed. I still can’t tell you how I feel about it. Just that in those weeks of the initial shock that he was dying and then leading up to the funeral, I wore a lot of different hats. I was the supportive brother, and the grieving son, I was the victim of just another horrible thing. Only thing is, I wasn’t really any of those things. It felt strange when the life left his eyes on that final night in the hospital, it felt like I should’ve been feeling more. But even in that moment, in seeing my brother cry and break down like a normal person should, I made everything about him, but it wasn’t because I cared about how he felt or that I understood what he was going through... I just needed to know my place in the world... and if that role called for a loving supportive brother then I was going to fill it. But for me I could tell from the beginning the grief would be different.

It comes up in little explosions of emotion and confusion. My father wasn’t a good person in the end, sometimes I even smile because I feel like he deserved the end he got, but still, there are things he did for me that I could never see myself doing for anybody else. He was full of love and laughter and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Again it’s very confusing.

He was also the man that kicked me out at 17 for smoking pot and then got me addicted to pain killers just a couple years later. He was very complex, and honestly showed a lot of signs of being borderline himself. In that last year he didn’t only encourage my drug use, he would supply me with whatever I wanted. I knew it wasn’t right, I know he knew it too, but we both had just stop caring. We were both tired of pretending.

I think at the end of the day all we thought we were was just our cravings to get high, and any attempt to be more was just an attempt to be somebody else. Although I know that I desperately want to be somebody else.. it doesn’t really make sense

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, I really didn’t know what I was gonna talk about when I started. I just wanted a bunch of people to read it cause I love the attention and it makes me feel interesting, like all other bpd sufferers that’s really all I care about so don’t put too much thought into what I say or what I claim to feel. If I really wanted to end it all then I would actually do it right? So don’t waste time worrying about me..
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
787
Location
USA
#2
Your feelings totally matter. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what that would be like. Your conflicting emotions in the situation seem to be reasonable though and I hope that you’re patient with yourself during your grieving process.

As far as not knowing who you really are, I get it. I think the real you is the simplest form left if you strip all the extraneous stuff away. I have changing views on lots of things but I always love my family and I love nature and learning. That’s me I guess. Simple and boring maybe but that’s the real me lol.
 
J

Joinr1232

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Abilene
#3
No, I understand that. There are few things I know to be true and like you it’s just simple things.

I just figure at some point there should be a time where those things can be built on. But instead you just get a bunch of false starts and regrets and disappointments
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
787
Location
USA
#4
I think I get what you mean. I mean I used to feel like I was two extreme polar opposites that flipped back and forth.

I see a therapist and take Zoloft now and I feel more like one stable person with aspects of both extremes from before.

It’s largely taken patience and a willingness to slow down and try to remain calm even when I don’t want to be.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
776
#5
It’s totally normal. Your grief will come when it needs to come. I am struggling with this too. I’ve been feeling like a bit of a monster, because I have felt nothing but relief since my mom passed last November.

Shouldn’t I at least feel sad? But no, not really.

I wore all the hats, too, while the rest of my family fell apart. It was a familiar role for me, there was never really any room in my family for my feelings. Everyone else came first.

So I get the confusion. The expectation that you should be feeling something different.

Let it go.

And realize that your feelings are far more complex than anyone else’s Because they’re tied up in the abuse you endured, the neglect.

You feel how you feel. And you don’t owe anyone anything more.
 

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