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My Letter to a Shrink

S

Signs123

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2009
Messages
1
ANYONE RELATE?????

The most distressing feeling is the intense anxiety/fear, where i am unable to think straight/clearly, lose all sense of who i am/reality, become very fearful of people and normal situations, and feel on the borderline of a panic attack. It’s like i go deep within myself (almost like a trip), come back out, experiencing this sort of dizziness as a result, where things become very intense. I try to think rationally about it, asking myself “why am i feeling scared?”, and i honestly cannot find an answer. It just occurs, unannounced and unprovoked. When in this state, thoughts go so deep, like an intense focus, where sometimes normal things become scary or appear strange. Normal simple things appear really difficult to do, memory, concentration goes. Become disorientated. I become PARANOID: always feel that people are hostile and will do me harm. I can FEEL the intensity in my head, HURTS to think, TOO MUCH going on around me, feel on the edge, loud noises make me jump, FEEL as if im losing my mind, CONFUSION, scared that one of these thoughts will send me over the edge. its like a horrible rush of blood to the head, but i can pretend/appear normal, but its so uncomfortable. Feels Like im on a rollercoaster. No ANXIETY SYMPTOMS e.g. heavy breathing, sweating. ALL in my head. As a result i normally isolate myself, and often Sleep to stop it. Or, if i can not escape to do this, i do calm down but feel mentally exhausted, spaced out and ‘brain dead’.
Sometimes I switch into the complete opposite, appearing confident, in control, calm, thinking clearly and rationally. It’s like i can see it all, that I’ve figured it all out, i can see the big picture, seeing things with so much clarity. Like a complete contrast to how i normally feel. When i’m like this i do and say things i normally would not. For example, a one night stand, or making promises that i would never keep.
Sometimes IN EXTREME CASES, i feel like i used to be JUST BEFORE i started having these problems. Its like im sitting on the fence, darkness/negativity on one side....light/positivity on the other. Like a clear Black and White. I CAN SEE THE BIG PICTURE. And SO aware of it, feel almost GOD Like. I become incredibly aware of what i say/do and like my personality can alter between 2 extremes regularly. And i FIGHT myself to be the person i want/gets intense in my head/cant DECIDE on who to be/mentoil turmoil/scare myself/ think thoughts like im schizophrenic.
I feel like there are two worlds, and which one i live in depends on the situation. I can completely change depending on the “vibe” . Can be either extremely happy, invincible, “alive”, no care about consequences. Other times, can be very shy, insecure, paranoid. Other times, i feel depressed, lethargic.
Sometimes (rarely) i feel “high” (reminds me slightly of cannabis effect) I get a feeling that makes me feel so alive/my belief in life comes back/vision returns. But Its like these things that make me feel alive scare me, i have it my head that it is wrong to feel like this. When I’m on my own i can just about deal with it, but if around others It all becomes too much, i “freak out”, it turns into anxiety, and i need to rest/escape.

But the majority of the time, i feel “stable”, but I regularly get and feel confused, about everything. Life, a tv programme....I feel im unable to trust myself/trust my actions, feeling alone/empty and “scared to live”. I feel no excitement, feeling numb, feeling like everything is a chore (even things that most people enjoy, i.e. talking to a friend, watching a movie, playing a video game). I put on a mask, to appear happy. Often after something, i feel mentally exhausted, spaced out and ‘brain dead’.
My moods frequently change throughout the day, sometimes switching back and forth within minutes.
For example, i may be in a social situation, feeling an underlying anxiety. Then I will have a sudden burst of energy, get sort of a rush, and say something. As soon as that is over, i settle back down into a deep intense anxiety. Sometimes almost like a “freak out”. My vision goes, i feel dizzy, feel “unreal”, confusion.

I find my beliefs/views/opinions change often. Sometimes my opinion about a friend or family member will change at the smallest thing, or sometimes for no reason at all. Like one comment they make, i can be very sensitive.
I am constantly analysing/thinking/judging.
I feel like i cant truly “connect” with anyone, i always pretend. I find being around people very uncomfortable, and i prefer to be alone. I do a lot of isolated activites instead. i.e. if i was bored, needed to get out the house, i would go for a drive instead of going round a friends house. Sometimes i drink by myself to feel different/have something to do.
In a large group of people i am fine, but when in the company of just one other, i find it very difficult. I avoid these situations. I just don’t feel good enough for people.

I have this inability to get angry, even when it is justified. (I have on one occasion, and that lost me a good friend: said somethigns about him). I am normally always scared of doing or saying something wrong, offending someone or upsetting someone. (sometimes complete opposite when drunk).
I write music and lyrics, almost obsessively, exploring “connections” in my mind, life, behaviour. I feel its really important. Always thinking about new “outside the box” ideas.
SLEEP ALL THE TIME to escape.

Dont know whether its a side effect of the medication, but i keep getting intense headaches and dizziness (well more like this feeling im being thrusted forward really fast – feeling G Force). Happens especially when i move my head or my eyes too quickly.


I am unable to enter a relationship. Too scared to do so. Have told this girl who likes me a lot that i can not be with her (because of the way i act because of my moods – sometimes i just don’t FEEL it, i cant connect, feel distant, it doesn’t fgeel right/natural – although people say we are PERFECT for each other). Sometimes i am scared of her, irrationally. Sometimes i feel like she is a “saviour”, the “answer”, then sometimes i feel as if she is just like anyone else. We can have an amazing time one evening, then the next or even the same day i “freak out” for no reason, like i don’t even know her. Feel this emotional pain when i think of her or hear her name. Its horrible.
This Freak out happens randomly, where things jsut scare me, im sort of frozen with fear. It’s like my mind picks up on all stuff, and it scares me.
When im out, i always have this underlying fear that someone is going to attack me/hurt me/do me wrong. Intensity. PARANOIA..

On a few rare occasions, i have wierd reactions to things. For example, my friend told me her dad had been diagnosed with cancer, i had this urge to laugh. Im not a bastard. I FEEL OUT OF CONTROL.
One night i got drunk by myself and took about 40 prozac and 20 reboxotine.
One night i took 5 rispirodoe. Wanted to take them all, but too scared. Dont want to die, just want to escape.
Suicidal thoughts – imagine ways of killng myself – thinking of the relief, but scared to do because of possible “consequences” (Religious – might go to hell)
I binge eat and smoke a LOT.
SLEEP: Wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe, then i just “snap out” of it instantly and im fine.
This mentally exhausted, spaced out and ‘brain dead’ feeling occurs frequently after heavily concentrating on something (watching a film (which i find always hard to follow) etc)
SO SICK OF IT ALL, BEEN FEELING LIKE THIS FOR YEARS, FEEL I AM GETTING WORSE.
THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL TRULY CONFORTABLE AROUND PEOPLE IS WHEN I HAVE PREPARED MYSELF AND I WILL BE DRINKING.


EXAMPLES: 3/2/2008: Spent all day looking and applying for work (way below what im capable of, its all i can handle). Filled out online Job seekers allowance claim, spoke to advisor. FELT STABLE. Shortly afterwards, headache, cloudy head, feeling scared, cant think straight, restless, on edge, petrified that employer will call me, wouldn’t be able to handle it at the moment., INTENESITY.

I currently rent a room in a flat with my Dad. Soon (as in months) he wants to move closer to his work. I have to find job and then find person to move into the flat with. AM PETRIFIED – Wont be able to escape – fear i will lose my mind if i cant have my own space.
Any possibility of help until im feeling better???

Amisulpride/Solian
Another fascinating finding, is that as well as containing the possibly psychosis increasing THC, cannabis also seems to contain an antipsychotic called cannabidiol or CBD.
One study presented by Prof Markus Leweke found that purified CBD had a beneficial effect equal to amisulpride, a widely used pharmaceutical antipsychotic medication.
(thoughts were clear, organised, evenly flowing. Felt “alive” again, felt happy. Like i had found myself, everything made sense again, no paranoia)
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
hey signs123.

Don't have any answers pal, but i'm glad you shared. I DO relate to a lot you have talked about. Have you actually sent this to a shrink? I personally believe that this would be a good idea. Sometimes, when visiting medical staff, we lose the threads of thoughts that we've been trying to remember to tell the doctors.If you can write it down, I think this can only be a good thing.

Good luck to you,

x blue
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Your first step should be to your GP and tell them what you've been writing about here. Print the post if necessary - just so long as you do tell someone. All people here can do is tell you how it is for them and what they do and give you support. And then perhaps while you're talking to the GP you can ask for a referral to see a psych.
 
L

Lady Lazarus

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2009
Messages
15
Have you been looking inside my head?

This is almost exactly the way I am feeling.
 
M

mentalnonna

New member
Joined
Oct 12, 2009
Messages
1
Could you have Social Anxiety Disorder?

Hey!

Well done for articulating your feelings so well!

The experience you've described is frighteningly similar to experiences I've had. I'm 27 now, but my problems began when I was roughly about 15. I won't go into all the boring details but in short, having persisted with my GP I was eventually referred to a psychologist when I was 18 who diagnosed me as having a 'Social Phobia' or 'Social Anxiety Disorder'. At some point around this time (can't remember if it was before or after seeing the psychologist) I went through a very bad time - if I could've put into words what I felt during that time, it would've read almost exactly the same as your original post. This period probably lasted for about 3-6 months constant, then intermittently since - though NEVER as bad or as long as the first time. I would say that this period was defo a combination of depression & anxiety... when my SA began, I was still at school - still trying to keep-up the social mask - still trying to muddle through exams etc... So when I left school I think it all just caught up with me - causing me to kind of implode on myself.

Social Anxiety Disorder is actually very common. If you type it into Google you will get literally millions of pages worth of info. Despite this however, it continues to be one of the most overlooked mental health problems. There will be millions of people who suffer from some degree of SA who have never even heard of it. It's NOT well publicised compared to other disorders, and it's not easily recognisable by the un-informed. Unfortunately, I've personally not found it to be all that treatable either - though that's just me - not everyone will be the same.

Regardless of any of the above, you MUST MUST MUST talk to your GP about this. BE PERSISTENT! You pay your taxes, your taxes pay the NHS, the NHS is there for ALL health problems, not just physical ones. There's a good chance your GP will try and fob you off... give you the 'just a phase' treatment or the 'Everyone gets down from time-to-time' crap, which in turn, makes you feel like an attention-seeking over-sized teenager!

You need to remind yourself in which case, that if you've got a problem that's lasted more than a while - been persistent enough to change your personality or make you fear that you will become permanently changed - and severe enough to interfere with the things you used to be able to do/ things you want to do - the problem is REAL! - And your doctor is obligated to help you. If your doctor's shit, might I suggest that you request to see another one... I must've seen about 4-5 different GPs before I finally found one that took me seriously.

My GP referred me to the psychologist who in turn, referred me to a psychotherapist... this helped a lot - though defo wasn't the miracle cure I was hoping for. My anxiety problems are always there but they fluctuate in severity. They've been pretty bad again recently so I'm off to the GP again, this time to ask to be put on beta-blockers daily, following a chat I had with my Dad who has heart problems. Maybe your problems could be sorted out with drugs also - you won't know until you convince a doctor that SOMETHING'S needed.

Anyway, I know you posted this in February - hopefully you're in a better state now. I just felt compelled to reply as it related so much to my experiences - again, in particular that one VERY bad period - which I find hard to even think about!

Hope I've helped a bit - even if just to say you're not alone!

non x
 
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