L
Lil
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 6, 2009
- Messages
- 114
I think I have bipolar but have had a lot of troubles getting up the nerve to get checked out by a doctor. I went to one last year and bought up the subject but for some reason sitting in a room with someone and trying to tell them my problems makes me really uncomfortable and I tend to just shut off. I went to get tested and found myself downplaying my issues as soon as the doctor got all sympathetic and started talking like a text book. He ended up thinking i just had a mild case of depression and sent me to a psychologist who was no help so after a few sessions I didn't bother going back.
I just find it embarassing to be telling someone face to face my symptoms and the idea of being put on medications scares me. Despite drinking a lot of alcohol I hate the idea of any kind of drugs, I don't even like taking aspirin. I have a lot of issues which I doubt are all related but I'll list what i've noticed.
- Antisocial; I get really uncomfortable with a lot of people around and in social situations. I have very few friends and its not through lack of wanting them or even pushing people away. I am a really nice person, People just dont seem to want anything to do with me. I also get quite anxious in crowds of people and also very agitated. If a shopping centre gets too crowded I have to leave.
- Paranoia? I feel like others can tell there is something wrong with me and that they are always judging me or uncomfortable around me. If I'm walking through a shopping centre and hear laughing it just cuts through me, i always feel like they are laughing at me. I also feel rejected incredibly easily. If i am talking to someone and they don't respond or if they turn away I get a really intense rush of depression and worthlessness.
I also have a constant paranoia that I'm unaware of my actions, like I'll be thinking about something and will wonder if I might have said it aloud without realizing. I have no reason to believe it but it just nags at the back of my mind.
- Decisions; I have a lot of trouble with making any kind of decisions. It'll take me half an hour to decide whether to walk to the shop, or what i want to eat, etc.
- Sleep problems; I go through periods where I have trouble sleeping and will go a few months either unable to get to sleep and then having broken sleep where i keep waking up. I don't tend to have nightmares, some really weird dreams but not nightmares. But that isn't all the time, I can also go months sleeping really well.
- Concentration; I have trouble concentrating for long amounts of time, if I'm doing data entry at work i'll try and focus and double check what i'm doing and after a while realize I have not been paying attention and wont even remember the last several things I entered.
- Alcohol; been drinking far too much the past few years, and have been turning to alcohol every time i get upset lately.
- Overeating; I am an emotional eater and have been struggling with my weight. I've been sitting at a size 14 the past few years.
- Confidence; I have absolutely no sense of self confidence to the point where it feels almost crippling at times. I don't feel like i can achieve even basic things.
- Depression; small fairly insignificant things that most people shrug off can leave me feel like I'm unable to do anything but just cry or stare at the ceiling. I also break down crying far too easily which is really frustrating, twice in the past few years i've broken down crying at work for no good reason which is really embarrassing.
- Highs; There are times, though not often where for no apparent reason I find myself almost deliriously happy but it only ever seems to last something like 10-20 minutes.
- Hallucinations; I keep getting slight hallucinations, for example seeing my cat run past a doorway of a room when she's actually outside. Or seeing the outline of someone who's not there. Or even just flashes of movement or light in the corner of my vision. Or opening my eyes when dozing off and seeing very intricate things above me like spider webs, figures, etc. They are so realistic i usually find myself reaching up to touch them just to be sure.
- Mood swings; My moods change ridiculously fast at times. I can be fine one moment and the slightest thing can set me into feeling depressed, or happy or quite often angry.
- Dark thoughts; I get random flashes and thoughts which really freak me out. Things I would never in my life. They include stuff like walking down the street the image of myself stepping out infront of a truck, or if i'm holding a knife the thought of cutting my wrists even if i have no desire to, or if i'm up on a balcony the image will flash through my head of me just jumping off. It goes with others too, if i'm stuck in a crowd of people I always feel agitated and will get these images of everyone just being gunned down or dropping dead. I want to push the fact I cant even say something mean to someone through not wanting to hurt their feelings even if i cant stand them. I'm not a violent person and would never hurt anyone. I'm the sort of person who will cross the road to hold my umbrella over an old lady so she doesn't get drenched in the rain when she crosses at the lights. Its true, i've done it
.
See why I find this embarassing to talk about to someone in person?
I'm cringing just looking at the list. Sorry for the long post, if you're still reading then thanks for your time.
So basically I'm just wanting to know if I'm on the right track with thinking its bipolar and maybe get a bit of feedback/advise from other people who had a bit of trouble getting the nerve up to get it diagnosed.
I just find it embarassing to be telling someone face to face my symptoms and the idea of being put on medications scares me. Despite drinking a lot of alcohol I hate the idea of any kind of drugs, I don't even like taking aspirin. I have a lot of issues which I doubt are all related but I'll list what i've noticed.

- Antisocial; I get really uncomfortable with a lot of people around and in social situations. I have very few friends and its not through lack of wanting them or even pushing people away. I am a really nice person, People just dont seem to want anything to do with me. I also get quite anxious in crowds of people and also very agitated. If a shopping centre gets too crowded I have to leave.
- Paranoia? I feel like others can tell there is something wrong with me and that they are always judging me or uncomfortable around me. If I'm walking through a shopping centre and hear laughing it just cuts through me, i always feel like they are laughing at me. I also feel rejected incredibly easily. If i am talking to someone and they don't respond or if they turn away I get a really intense rush of depression and worthlessness.
I also have a constant paranoia that I'm unaware of my actions, like I'll be thinking about something and will wonder if I might have said it aloud without realizing. I have no reason to believe it but it just nags at the back of my mind.
- Decisions; I have a lot of trouble with making any kind of decisions. It'll take me half an hour to decide whether to walk to the shop, or what i want to eat, etc.
- Sleep problems; I go through periods where I have trouble sleeping and will go a few months either unable to get to sleep and then having broken sleep where i keep waking up. I don't tend to have nightmares, some really weird dreams but not nightmares. But that isn't all the time, I can also go months sleeping really well.
- Concentration; I have trouble concentrating for long amounts of time, if I'm doing data entry at work i'll try and focus and double check what i'm doing and after a while realize I have not been paying attention and wont even remember the last several things I entered.
- Alcohol; been drinking far too much the past few years, and have been turning to alcohol every time i get upset lately.
- Overeating; I am an emotional eater and have been struggling with my weight. I've been sitting at a size 14 the past few years.
- Confidence; I have absolutely no sense of self confidence to the point where it feels almost crippling at times. I don't feel like i can achieve even basic things.
- Depression; small fairly insignificant things that most people shrug off can leave me feel like I'm unable to do anything but just cry or stare at the ceiling. I also break down crying far too easily which is really frustrating, twice in the past few years i've broken down crying at work for no good reason which is really embarrassing.
- Highs; There are times, though not often where for no apparent reason I find myself almost deliriously happy but it only ever seems to last something like 10-20 minutes.
- Hallucinations; I keep getting slight hallucinations, for example seeing my cat run past a doorway of a room when she's actually outside. Or seeing the outline of someone who's not there. Or even just flashes of movement or light in the corner of my vision. Or opening my eyes when dozing off and seeing very intricate things above me like spider webs, figures, etc. They are so realistic i usually find myself reaching up to touch them just to be sure.
- Mood swings; My moods change ridiculously fast at times. I can be fine one moment and the slightest thing can set me into feeling depressed, or happy or quite often angry.
- Dark thoughts; I get random flashes and thoughts which really freak me out. Things I would never in my life. They include stuff like walking down the street the image of myself stepping out infront of a truck, or if i'm holding a knife the thought of cutting my wrists even if i have no desire to, or if i'm up on a balcony the image will flash through my head of me just jumping off. It goes with others too, if i'm stuck in a crowd of people I always feel agitated and will get these images of everyone just being gunned down or dropping dead. I want to push the fact I cant even say something mean to someone through not wanting to hurt their feelings even if i cant stand them. I'm not a violent person and would never hurt anyone. I'm the sort of person who will cross the road to hold my umbrella over an old lady so she doesn't get drenched in the rain when she crosses at the lights. Its true, i've done it

See why I find this embarassing to talk about to someone in person?

So basically I'm just wanting to know if I'm on the right track with thinking its bipolar and maybe get a bit of feedback/advise from other people who had a bit of trouble getting the nerve up to get it diagnosed.