My Issues

[Lil]

I think I have bipolar but have had a lot of troubles getting up the nerve to get checked out by a doctor. I went to one last year and bought up the subject but for some reason sitting in a room with someone and trying to tell them my problems makes me really uncomfortable and I tend to just shut off. I went to get tested and found myself downplaying my issues as soon as the doctor got all sympathetic and started talking like a text book. He ended up thinking i just had a mild case of depression and sent me to a psychologist who was no help so after a few sessions I didn't bother going back.

I just find it embarassing to be telling someone face to face my symptoms and the idea of being put on medications scares me. Despite drinking a lot of alcohol I hate the idea of any kind of drugs, I don't even like taking aspirin. I have a lot of issues which I doubt are all related but I'll list what i've noticed.

- Antisocial; I get really uncomfortable with a lot of people around and in social situations. I have very few friends and its not through lack of wanting them or even pushing people away. I am a really nice person, People just dont seem to want anything to do with me. I also get quite anxious in crowds of people and also very agitated. If a shopping centre gets too crowded I have to leave.
- Paranoia? I feel like others can tell there is something wrong with me and that they are always judging me or uncomfortable around me. If I'm walking through a shopping centre and hear laughing it just cuts through me, i always feel like they are laughing at me. I also feel rejected incredibly easily. If i am talking to someone and they don't respond or if they turn away I get a really intense rush of depression and worthlessness.
I also have a constant paranoia that I'm unaware of my actions, like I'll be thinking about something and will wonder if I might have said it aloud without realizing. I have no reason to believe it but it just nags at the back of my mind.
- Decisions; I have a lot of trouble with making any kind of decisions. It'll take me half an hour to decide whether to walk to the shop, or what i want to eat, etc.
- Sleep problems; I go through periods where I have trouble sleeping and will go a few months either unable to get to sleep and then having broken sleep where i keep waking up. I don't tend to have nightmares, some really weird dreams but not nightmares. But that isn't all the time, I can also go months sleeping really well.
- Concentration; I have trouble concentrating for long amounts of time, if I'm doing data entry at work i'll try and focus and double check what i'm doing and after a while realize I have not been paying attention and wont even remember the last several things I entered.
- Alcohol; been drinking far too much the past few years, and have been turning to alcohol every time i get upset lately.
- Overeating; I am an emotional eater and have been struggling with my weight. I've been sitting at a size 14 the past few years.
- Confidence; I have absolutely no sense of self confidence to the point where it feels almost crippling at times. I don't feel like i can achieve even basic things.
- Depression; small fairly insignificant things that most people shrug off can leave me feel like I'm unable to do anything but just cry or stare at the ceiling. I also break down crying far too easily which is really frustrating, twice in the past few years i've broken down crying at work for no good reason which is really embarrassing.
- Highs; There are times, though not often where for no apparent reason I find myself almost deliriously happy but it only ever seems to last something like 10-20 minutes.
- Hallucinations; I keep getting slight hallucinations, for example seeing my cat run past a doorway of a room when she's actually outside. Or seeing the outline of someone who's not there. Or even just flashes of movement or light in the corner of my vision. Or opening my eyes when dozing off and seeing very intricate things above me like spider webs, figures, etc. They are so realistic i usually find myself reaching up to touch them just to be sure.
- Mood swings; My moods change ridiculously fast at times. I can be fine one moment and the slightest thing can set me into feeling depressed, or happy or quite often angry.
- Dark thoughts; I get random flashes and thoughts which really freak me out. Things I would never in my life. They include stuff like walking down the street the image of myself stepping out infront of a truck, or if i'm holding a knife the thought of cutting my wrists even if i have no desire to, or if i'm up on a balcony the image will flash through my head of me just jumping off. It goes with others too, if i'm stuck in a crowd of people I always feel agitated and will get these images of everyone just being gunned down or dropping dead. I want to push the fact I cant even say something mean to someone through not wanting to hurt their feelings even if i cant stand them. I'm not a violent person and would never hurt anyone. I'm the sort of person who will cross the road to hold my umbrella over an old lady so she doesn't get drenched in the rain when she crosses at the lights. Its true, i've done it .


See why I find this embarassing to talk about to someone in person? I'm cringing just looking at the list. Sorry for the long post, if you're still reading then thanks for your time.

So basically I'm just wanting to know if I'm on the right track with thinking its bipolar and maybe get a bit of feedback/advise from other people who had a bit of trouble getting the nerve up to get it diagnosed.

 

[mad as a hatter]

the only thing i can suggest is if u can,t talk 2 people about it print off ur post u just done and show it 2 ur gp that might be easier for u

 

[*Sapphire*]

Look i'm no doctor but in my opinion alot of your symptoms sound like severe anxiety. I suffer with it myself and it can effect people in so many different ways. It can manifest itself into perceived hallucinations, paranoia, anxious thoughts about whether you said something out loud or not, lack of confidence.

I wonder if you drink alcohol as a way to medicate that?

The problem with alcohol is that although at the time it might make you feel better, afterwards in the short and long term it is likely to increase your symptoms rather than decrease them. Then you can get caught in a viscious cycle, you drink to help with the anxiety, it increases it, then you drink more to cope with that and so on.

The best thing you can do is go back to your GP. Be honest with them about how much you drink and your symptoms and see what they suggest.

And on dark thoughts, most people have these at points in their lives. They can be impulsive and unexpected. It doesn't make you a bad person. There is a real difference to thinking and doing. In my experience they are a reflection of how I am feeling, or a reaction to my circumstances. I can usually find a root cause if I sit down and carefully look at what happened that day and how I felt. But I know that is hard to do, I sometimes have to have someone else go through that process with me.

 

[Lil]

Thanks for the suggestion Mad as Hatter, that sounds like a good idea. I'll do that. The hardest part for me at the moment is admitting all this to someone in person so handing over a bit of paper will be easier than trying to make myself say it (feeling ridiculous as i do).

Sapphire, you're absolutely right. Alcohol does tend to make things worse in the long run but then its hard to resist when it feels like its doing good at the time.

And thanks, i always feel guilty when i get flashes of other people dying. Admittedly thats the thing I'm most scared of admitting to my GP in case he thought I was completely unstable and had me locked up or something.

If it is anxiety does that mean less likelihood of being put on a medication? Thats the other thing that really makes me nervous about going ahead with seeing a GP, I don't like the idea of being put on medications.

 

[*Sapphire*]

I can not say what your GP will suggest. However it is up to you what you do and do not take. They can not force it on you. If they do suggest something I would ask some standard questions so you have some idea of whether it is suitable for you such as:

• Are they physically addictive? (I always ask this because I never want to go back on an addictive med after horrendous experiences of withdrawal when they over-prescribed it me).
• In what way will they help decrease my symptoms?
• What are the most common side effects?
• How will you and I know they are working?
• How long will i need to take them for, and when can I expect to see some changes?
• Are their any other alternatives to meds?

Although I manage my anxiety very well I still do have the need for a low dose of a med to help with it. I hate it but for lack of any other alternative right now I stick with that.

But most of what I have found helpful and works has been a combination of approaches like attending anxiety management classes.

Changing my lifestyle ie don't drink excessively (very often!), cutting out drinking strong coffee so and and so forth. Getting a good balance of exercise, sleep etc.

Looking at my anxious thoughts from a psychlogical persepective. What is the common thread to my anxious thoughts, where they originate from.

Making plans for when I do go out that can help me to alleviate anxiety, like having a code word with my husand which means it is getting too much and I need to leave without explaining it to everyone. Invariably the thought that I CAN get away means my anxiety is lessened, and I rarely have to use it.

I also found that by simply telling people about my anxiety had a profound impact on it. I generally have found people so supportive and most can relate to it. I discovered that by trying to hide it, I was making myself even more anxious.

 

[*Sapphire*]

And thanks, i always feel guilty when i get flashes of other people dying. Admittedly thats the thing I'm most scared of admitting to my GP in case he thought I was completely unstable and had me locked up or something.

It is a lot more common than you realise. They are called intrusive thoughts. It is not unusual. Why don't you have a look on the web about it. But I would avoid sites trying to sell you magical cures!!

I'll have a look myself and see if I can find a good link about them.

 

[*Sapphire*]

This is a link, it is not amazingly good but it can give you an understanding of what they are about and where they might originate. It is hard to wade through all the crap adverts on the web selling wonder cures for anxiety!!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200906/those-damn-unwanted-thoughts

 

[Lil]

Why don't you have a look on the web about it. But I would avoid sites trying to sell you magical cures!!

LOL I'll keep that in mind!!

Thank you very much for the link, loading it up in a new tab now.

 

[Lil]

Just a bit of an update, saw my GP, wrote down everything and took that in as suggested. He told me he doesn't deal with mental health stuff and referred me to a psychologist. Just tried calling them four times trying to book an appointment (they are having issues with their phones) only to be told the absolute earliest i could be seen is in March and they only do appointments on mondays (and I work full time). So they told me to go back to my GP again. Back to square 1 i guess. Frustrating...