My husband-whats wrong?

[cryingoutfor]

The short story-where I AM now..

being bullied by my husband..its beeen going on for some time,but onlt just figured it out. I have a counsellor because I myself felt quite desperate,she said Iwas being bullied by him-suggests (indirectly) i build up my confidence and leave).my doc says same.

Before figuring it out,i thought it was my fault.,but i realised he had issues.

First thing i noticed was his unhealthy attachment to
his dog.

its like he has invested all his emotions in his dog.I have always said that if there was one thing that would split us up it was his attitude to his dog.

He talks to it incessantly-like one would speak to a child-like as though it understands.

One night i counted he told it 20 times to come to bed-and thats before he even goes to bed.

His family say it is like his child.They are unsophisticated people,but lovely,very child centered-but not necessarily in a good way.

i noticed in time that his family are all anxious,but you don't notice until you have been with them for a while.

He has anxiety- moved in with him,i just thought he cared-every pub or restaurant i fancied was rough,i shouldn't go to the supermarket at night,He seemed scared when we visited the nearby "big city" puffing his chest out like a cockerel,very uncomfortable-but i ry to extend his comfort zone.

He is a company director and has a lot of responsibi.ity-but i fear he bullies his staff.

now,i can not take much more- he threw the remote control across the room,
and invented some ridiculous arguament why it was my fault,

he left-i allowed it-when you are bullied-you learn to be very careful about what you say/

anyway today he came round and i can tell he has spoken to a proffesional-he says maybe he is depressed ,shopping,gambling,obsessive buying.i know some of his history-alopecia at 17,etc

I THOUGHT IT WAS DEFINITELY ANXIETY BASED.TODAY HE MENTIONS COMPULSION,MAYBE DPRESSION,HE HAS MADE AN appointment to see doc-currently prescribed anti ds for anxiety-one appointment only-NO follow up

help

sad bullied wifex

 

[cryingoutfor]

wanted tosay he has been on citalopram-initially he was exhausted all the time-it seems to have made his rages worse-he wouldn't go back to doc-said it was bad enough to have to go back once-male pride feeling that he is weak.

please please i need help.i am so sad and cant sllep-feel panicy he is always shouting and nasty to me.

 

[jamesdean]

I had a boyfriend once that used to beat me up I dont know how I stood it for so long but I believed it was love, no one should have to put up with abuse physical or mental, though this didnt cause my depression it certainly didnt help I used to have body dismorphic I'm not quite sure how to spell that and such a difficult time with anyone seeing my body has it was he just made me feel so much worse though then in a second breath he would make me feel so special it was crazy, he was like the katy perry single hot and cold you are right you have to be so careful whot you say because it might triger their anger.

 

[cryingoutfor]

I went to a counsellor myself last week for a couple of sessions.This is when i realised what was happenning to me was bullying,it took someone else to tell me.I was so down and it did help me a lot,i suddenly felt a lot stronger because i realised it was not my fault.I also went to my doctor and i told her i was maybe depressed.I said i didn't want anti ds but i asked for something to help me because i was mentally exhausted.After a few days sleep and feeling calmer,i don't think i am depressed,though i am not certain.

Either he sorts himself out or there is no future.

At the moment he is staying at his mum and dads house.

He says he now realises he has a problem (he has definitely spoken to someone professional-maybe on a helpline).I think perhaps he does have some form of ocd,and i am not making excuses for him.he realises he has to do something about his mood swings and anger.I am not taking any more crap from him.I am not going to be one of these people who just takes and takes.

He talked to me some more about when he got alopecia,(he no longerhas this) and what a difficult time it was because,although they meant to help him,his parents kept telling him that itwas hardly noticable,and it was noticable-and he couldn't understand why they were lieing to him.Even now he regularly asks me if he is getting bald spots,about every 3 weeks.i now refuse to have the conversation.i say-i will tell you if you are losing your hair.please dont keep asking.

he originally went to the doc because i persuaded him to.he had a problem that he would get panic attacks because he would be in a meeting,or we would be waiting to take off on a plane,or stuck in traffic and he would think he would be going to lose control of his bowels.the anti ds were prescribed for that,but he never told the doc about all his other stuff.

 

[cryingoutfor]

i think he has body dysmorphic disorder and i wonder if the citalopram are causing him mood swings.
He once said he thought he had it-i have been reading about it- a lot seems to tally.

 

[Sine]

Whoa - take a deep breath. I know how you feel. Your description of the dog relationship really brings back memories for me. My husband used to say the dog was the only one who didn't judge him and who loved him unconditionally while he (husband) was going through all his crap.

I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds as if your husband has very low self esteem and is afraid he is going to fail at everything. He's obviously got a lot going on, that will (with professional help) get better.

In the meantime, can I suggest that YOU get all the help you can to be strong. Because whatever he chucks at you, you will be able to deal with it.

I'm typing this at work and the boss is trying to peek - I'll tune in later to see how you're getting on.

Great forum this, you'll get loads of friendly support.

Speak later, Sine

 

[cryingoutfor]

Thanks to all.
Thank you sine.

As well as the bullying he shops compulsivly eg .Keeps buying grey v necked jumpers.I have tried getting on to him saying" you don't need any more grey stuff,and you don't need any more poloshirts-and it always has to be designer stuff.
I tested him the other day "while he was telling me yet again how great this grey v neck jumper was,i said "oh do you like grey then?" he said " yeah" oblivious to all the conversations we have had about it..its like someone flicks a "compulsive switch" and hes off. If we go into a shop,i say please dont buy any more polo shirts,you have got loads of clothes,and i see the look and its saying "you don't tellme what to do-"then he deliberately goes and buys them to prove i can't tell him what to do.

Once i was in a shop and innocently asked was he a 36 0r 38,he went mad,saying i was shouting it and people were turning round to look (this is a commmon theme btw),he had me in tears yet again,and i am not a person who can't answer back,though now i have become very guarded.

+He will constantly look at himself in the mirror. in shops that don't have mirrors,i have counted him 5 times catching his reflection in any bit of reflective surface.thats in just one smal shop.
yet also he appears very vain,asking me is his hair the same as some male-model type on tv (will from will and grace) his hair is slightly curly,pleasant enough,but how do i reply to this?

i cant figure it out because he has acne scars on his face and is very obsessive about his toiletries,before we go on holiday,he is quite ritualistic about what he has to take,yet he will look at himself in mirrirsbut then i noticed that he refuses to try clothes on in shops.he buys theM and i have to take them back.Before he met ,he would just throw them awaay.

Sadly when on holiday recently ,we were in a lift which had mirrors all around.I noticed he had his eyes closed.i watched him the next time and he had his eyes downcast he didn't have to look at himself',he hates full length mirrors-i don't understand this bit.

wE GOT MARRIED LAST YEAR. at our honeymoon destination,hE GOT INTO A SULK BECAUSE I WAS ARRANGING THE HIRE CAR FOR THE NEXT DAY (HE KNEW I WAS GOING TO DO THIS BTW,IT WAS RAINING (HE WONT Go out in rain cos of it spoiling his hair.After 20 minutes i got it sorted,and he had put our cases into a taxi (no-one asked him to do this,and he had to take them out again).He was furious with me (!!WHY_GOD knows) there is no logic to it-then he sulked for two and a half days of our honeymoon.i also had to remind him later in the week what honeymoons are supposed to be about(!!) otherwise we would have just spent the week doing everything he wanted (eating in restaurants and watching tv),there is very little intamacy in our relationship,although he will always hold my hand.

 

[Sine]

Oh love,

This is all bursting out of you now, isn't it? Can I ask, what was he like before you got married? Don't answer if you think that's too personal.

Sine

 

[cryingoutfor]

well,he is a lovely person sine,thats the crazy thing.
he actually is the jokey type,he said to me (re work mainly i think) I make people happy-its what I do.He is liked by people and likeable.

Yesterday i tried to explain to him something.
He has this idea that if he is nasty to me,he can send me a text saying something cheerful.and send me a beautiful bunch of flowers (hes virtually got shares in interflora!! but he wont want to discuss the issues aaround the incident and if he does apologise it is rare and will be by text. If i show a desire to talk through what has happened he calls it " moaning" and gets angry saying why can't i just "move on".

I have told him yesterday this does not work-it can not happen in a healthy relationship.

When i tried to explain to him that even though we are apart-and i am getting respite from his behaviour-all the thoughts of how he has treated me are still in my head-he says but we have to move on.i said no,it doesn;t work like that-he agreed that maybe that is something he will have to look at,but it is something he really doesn't understand.he thinks i can just draw a line under it-he is quite angry at me.he often tells me we have a great life (holidays about 6 times a year-always miserable btw) and cars,a nice home-i don't have to work (i would like to though).he doesn't understand how i cannot be delighted with the life he works hard to give me.he admits he can be very selfish-its a fact ive been denying to myself.

when we were first together i worked,but for various reasons i gave it up,and i lost my independance-however because of the area i live in and the type of work i do-it will be quite difficult to get the same work again-he didn't like the work i did anyway which could be quite risky at times.

when we met we were very much in love and part of me still loves him,but i have warned him he is driving all the love out of me,and i said that when its gone,its gone.

 

[cryingoutfor]

yesterday i asked him not to ring me(i couldn't face the telephone pleasantries and false conversation),he said he would text me when he went to bed.i said he could perhaps come and see me for half an hour today.- i thought this would help him,and make it so i could have minimum contact with him,which is all i can deal with at the moment.

today he texted me and i texted him more or less saying that i was proud of him for getting help and that i would support him.he made no reference to coming to see me today

he rang me a little later,and again today ,i find i didn't really want to speak to him and then he started saying we should go christmas shopping to x town on sunday. i felt railroaded as i find it hard to refuse him,i said i would rather go to y town (nearer and not so designer-ish),but the rest of the afternoon i have been feeling anxious,i am nowhere near ready to start contact with him again,but i know he will get angry and it is stressing me.Shopping is something i usually avoid doing with him,because of his compulsive tendancies.

I have a suspicion he is going to conveniently forget that i said he should come and visit me for half an hour or so,and that he can't be bothered and thats why he rang me,BECAUSE ITS EASIER FOR HIM.

I may be wrong,but i expect him to ring me with some jokey lines,all cheery,and if isay ithought you were coming over,rather than ringing me,he is going to get all indignant and "theres no pleasing you" which is the usual scenario.

I ALSO WANT HIM TO RESPECT MY PRIVACY AND SPACE,BUT I KNOW HE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS,FEELING VERY APPREHENSIVE.

 

[Sine]

Hello you,

I've had an idea. Why don't you write to him. You can say all you want to say without the fear of him talking over the top of you. You can be certain he will read it carefully. You can spend time thinking of what you want to say and that way, you won't get tongue-tied. You can also invite him to do the same - write to you - for the same reasons. Also this way, he can't in the future accuse you of saying things that you didn't. If you see what I mean!

I did this a few years ago and it worked. My husband also suffers from OCD (its not too bad these days) and has a "selective" memory, if you know what I mean!

Sine

 

[cryingoutfor]

I DID SEND HIM A NUMBER OF TEXTS RECENTLY WHICH WORKED A TREAT AS I AM MUCH BETTER WITH THE WRITTEN WORD AND HE CANNOT BROWBEAT ME.sorry capital-dodgy keyboards

tine,as predicted he didnt visit me tonight,thats obviously how desperate he is to save our marriage.i just texted him to say i was going to bed.but i have been on edge all evening in case he rang.

i am going to tell him i am not ready to go out shopping at the weekend,but i will leave it a day or two.
If i question him about why he didnt come round like i asked him,he will use it as ammunition and "go into one" so i am going to forget it.
but i am going to let him know i need time and space from him-i don't know exactly how to word that.

BUT THE PROBLEM WITH A LETTER IS THAT I THINK HE IS CAPABLE OF SHOwing it to his parents-and as they are fairlyoblivious to complex issues (his sis said once-i dont get depressed-i just get on with it),it probably would make me look like a bunny boiler without them knowing all the other issues.he has told me once that they would take his side.

 

[cryingoutfor]

Whoa - take a deep breath. I know how you feel. Your description of the dog relationship really brings back memories for me. My husband used to say the dog was the only one who didn't judge him and who loved him unconditionally while he (husband) was going through all his crap.

I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds as if your husband has very low self esteem and is afraid he is going to fail at everything. He's obviously got a lot going on, that will (with professional help) get better.

In the meantime, can I suggest that YOU get all the help you can to be strong. Because whatever he chucks at you, you will be able to deal with it.

I'm typing this at work and the boss is trying to peek - I'll tune in later to see how you're getting on.

Great forum this, you'll get loads of friendly support.

Speak later, Sine

sorry about all the long posts-i have no one else to talk to-well i have booked to see a counsellor tommorrow and am on the waiting lists for counselling with the doc (about 5 weeks).I AM NOT SURE ABOUT THE SELF ESTEEM THING-HE IS VERY succesful in his job.


re his dog-i find it all quite scary.He says it has human emotions,and it can understand what he says.

it bit my son (who is living with us at the moment,omg dont even go there),he has got confused with my son moving in,and barks like crazy anytime my son goes near food-my son is now scared of him and i can see why and it tried to bite me,but just caught my dressing gown sleeve.two of the things he said in response to it biting me were "hes not going anywhere" (did i suggest that he should? ) and "hes not a nasty dog" (quite upset,but failing to understand the dog needs firm discipline which he is incapable of giving it.he just has "talks " with him saying "now fred,your not daddys puppy any more,no more barking,be a good puppy etc"and keeps repeating the same phrases over and over until i think i will scream.he kisses the dog on the head (he hardly ever kisses me btw),and refuses to take this beloved dog for a walk-and we have no garden-my kitchen is a dog toilet!! no amount of reasoning will make him take it out.i am so pissed of with spending all day trying to keep my kitchen hygenic-its a losing battle.

It has started to constantly steal food if i leave anything unattended for a second(i dont have much worktop space) it takes it and my Oh just says its my fault-unless it steals something that was for him-then it gets a smack.its actually a lovely dog ..... i have spoken to a dog psychologist,but \oh won't listen..............omg,i am so weary of all this............................

 

[cryingoutfor]

at the moment i am getting support locally and from womens aid for the bullying to make me a stronger person.until he demonstrates he is serious about getting help for his anger,his cbt or whatever he is diagosed with,he is not coming back-he can stay at his parents.

my counsellor told me that sometimes men say they will get help for the anger but have no real commitment to doing so,and i need him to demonstrate that he is actively getting anger management,and hopefully cognative behaviour therapy.

He is the one then that will see some relief from the anxiety that has been dogging him for so long,and which causes him so much pain,and the anger management will lesson both his and my pain,should i decide to get back together with him.

i

 

[jamesdean]

I think that all sounds fair take care my dear