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My husband has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD...need support

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Nicatnight1974

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Feb 2, 2019
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Idaho, United States
Hi! I'm new to this forum. My name is Nichol and I'm from the United States. I've been married to my husband for going on 2 years this July and we've been together for 6 years, so I think I know him pretty well. He was diagnosed in 2012 with severe PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I love him very much and want so bad to make things work for us. I just feel so lost and alone and don't know how to handle his frequent anger, outburst, extreme mood changes and black/white thinking. Things will seem great for awhile, he is so loving, giving, considerate, kind...he heaps praise on me and tells me how gorgeous I am. Then the next day, he finds every fault with me and everything I do is wrong. He truly seems to want everything to go his way. He gets angry for instance if I talk too much, like when I got home from running errands today, I was excitedly telling me about my day and he let me talk and seemed happy. I'd asked him about his day first and he told me and when I started talking, I thought he had finished talking. Apparently not, since later on tonight, he said that I talked too much and he couldn't get a word in edgewise. He had complained about our two puppies having problems with being totally housebroken which we've been working on and he was the one who brought it up and because I thought he wanted to talk about it, I was discussing solutions with him. But now he threw that in my face too that he wanted us to get intimate, but I talked about the dogs. We were cooking dinner together when we were having our conversation about dogs and couldn't read his mind or tell by his actions that he wanted us to be intimate. I'm reduced to tears yet again tonight and he went to bed early and when I tried to again apologize and do whatever it takes to make him happy, he tells me it's too late and he tells me all the things I did wrong tonight. I tell him how sorry I truly am and I promise not to talk about the dogs anymore or anything else and pay total attention to him and he tells me that he was trying all evening to be intimate with me and I let other distractions especially the dogs get in the way, so tonight is over. I'm so sick of being blindsided all of the time, walking on eggshells, trying so hard to always please him and not make him mad, having great times that are wonderful and letting my guard down, only to have him turn on me for reasons that don't make sense. I always am left feeling like it's my fault, that something is wrong with me, that I'm not good enough. When I tell him that he's controlling, he gets so mad and says that his first and second wives both told him that and he is NOT controlling. (Yes, I'm his third wife. His first wife and him were married for 13 years before they divorced and his second wife and him were married for 20 years before they divorced.) I never thought he was Narcissistic because he truly seems to have empathy and caring for others. He was a Nurse for 21 years and a Helicopter Medic in the National Guard before that, for 10 years. I've seen how much love he gives his grandkids and kids and he truly seems to care about and love them. I would love to hear from anyone who has borderline personality disorder or who is living with someone who has it, advice for dealing with the devaluation and illogical anger, the hurt, the fear. Sorry I'm so long winded. Thank you to anyone who has read this far.
 
daffy

daffy

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hiding behind the sofa
Can I ask if anything has bought on the BPD and PTSD . I’m assuming your both more mature people and it’s unusual to go so long without a BPD diagnosis and why has he felt the need to seek treatment now. Do you know why he’s had two divorces was that anything to do with his behaviour. PTSD I hope he’s getting treatment for that. That can be very frightening but it can be overcome. ( I was in a bad car crash and suffered for years with PTSD) . You don’t say what bought that on. This could be why he’s lashing out at you. You could always ask the MH team that’s treating him if there’s a family group that you could attend to get an insight into what’s going on and how to cope.
I’ve just noticed you have said he was in the national guard. Do I assume that he saw some pretty nasty things whilst working.
I wish you well
 
Keesha

Keesha

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Can it be possible to have BPD and not know it?
And can this disorder be triggered?
Can this disorder be helped?
 
L

Lora

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May 8, 2019
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United Kingdom
Hi Keesha bpd as far as I'm aware can be helped by using different therapies such a dialectal behaviour therapy or cbt. My daughter had it for years but was in denial. So she didn't know. Apparently according to most doctors it is triggered by ( though not in every case ) childhood trauma / abuse.
 
Keesha

Keesha

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Hi Keesha bpd as far as I'm aware can be helped by using different therapies such a dialectal behaviour therapy or cbt. My daughter had it for years but was in denial. So she didn't know. Apparently according to most doctors it is triggered by ( though not in every case ) childhood trauma / abuse.
Thanks Lora. If this is triggered by childhood trauma then it’s no wonder I’d have it. I’d never been in denial about having mental disorders that interfere with healthy cognitive functioning. I think I just forget I have them at times or wish I didn’t.

Oddly enough I’ve been dealing with my aging parents right now which triggers quite a bit of stuff.

Hey Nichol. I’m sorry for not responding to you directly. It’s that I don’t know enough about it to offer anything of value.
Perhaps the best thing to do is make sure you are giving yourself love & acceptance each and everyday.
 
calypso

calypso

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You seem to be going through it with all that is going on in your life with him. The fact he has had two wives before is telling but he was married to them for considerable lengths of time. Does he accept his diagnosis and will he consider getting help for it? DBT is the therapy of choice if its available where you live. Thats Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. Its worth looking it up and seeing if there are some books you can read on it to help you understand better his behaviour.

I see you are in the USA, I don't know if there is an equivalent to our "Relate" charity which deals with couple therapy to help people who are having problems with their relationship.
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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Slipperyslope
I recognize my relationship and some past relationships a lot in this, but from the other perspective. I don't have ptsd or BPD but I am a bit narcissistic. Not all my relationships have been like this, some girls don't talk so much when they wanna express themselves, are uneasy or a bit nervous, but some talk a lot in these situations. From what I gather its more common that women do this, more so then men (a lot of men can sit and just mutter and grump and we all know what is up and we have a useful conversation that way). These differences make an upset in a lot of relations. What is funny is that some of these women think that they are more sensitive and better to understand feelings, especially cause they talk a lot about it. Even still for some it is just talk and never action and in that case that is simply not true. We men understand feelings pretty well we just rather act on them then talk about them.

Some women drive this behavior so far they try intentionally or just happen to unintentionally drive the energy out of the person they are engaged with. Me personally I need a lot of space, time with my thoughts, time to think and feel a bit. If someone bombards we all time with talk I can't even think. If most is negative it affects me. But even positive talk in exaggeration can get me tired. Keep things short that I don't have much interest in (what colors the tops where in store and how you found a perfect match) but please do talk a lot about things that interest me. (not saying men cannot enjoy clothes I simply don't).

It is possible you are a bit like this. You say your man said he gave you hints at sex. Did you notice and didn't want to so you started a important conversation instead? its not a good move. Compromise is better whatever that means for you. A lot of men prefer not to ask for attention but just get it. We don't wanna feel needy. We just wanna get. And if we get we give and if not we usually rather, get upset and grumpy, then admit what is wrong. Problem here is we build up this frustrated energy over time and eventually it can spill over, especially if we are not allowed or have time to wank off and go activate physically in a way that feels stimulating. Fucking solves all this, working out and wanking as well. But if we sit all day in office and get home and have time for neither (or not allowed) many men actually become ticking bombs of frustration.

Have you tried talking less like he asks you to?

And I don't mean you have to shut up all day. Keep things short as you can, let your happiness spill over from your day in talk then transition into letting the happiness be felt physically by your man. When you get home let him know you are excited to see him. Hugs, kisses, no words needed, better to show then talk. Rub/massage him a bit on shoulders, neck, back. Let him know physically (not by saying it) you want to take care of him. Help with food, engage in casual conversation. Maybe jerk him off a bit. Give him some sex. After he gets his release, especially if you do him good, I'm sure he down to listen to whatever you have to say, then you can discuss your awesome day, show off your new clothes, dogs, life, whatever. But make him feel real good first, especially if you want constructive discussions with increased chance of going your way. Otherwise you are approaching a horny, frustrated, tired man with BPD and PTSD and expect to have a good foundation to have constructive talk and excuse me for saying it, but its actually really stupid.
 
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