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My honest view on high functioning depression

KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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May 8, 2021
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It’s a lonely feeling.

I’ve always felt selfish.

Always felt ashamed of how I feel.

I am to blame for the loneliness, I set up the expectation of how I’m supposed to be.

On the outside I’m good and I’m reliable. If I fail to meet that image I feel ashamed and guilty.

This morning I was supposed to have an appointment to talk about how I’m doing and what help I need but I had to reschedule that for tomorrow because I just couldn’t do it.

I went to work this morning and I spent the majority of my time there feeling completely dissociated from everything and everyone around me.

Again, on the outside no one even noticed because I hate to show it. I find it near on impossible to show how I truly feel.

From there on I could feel myself falling further down, being triggered by things around me.

An hour before my appointment I had to call up and say I couldn’t make it. Why? Because I was terrified.
Terrified that if I told them how I really felt that they would admit me to hospital. I didn’t and don’t want that.

Instead I took myself off for a bit and called the Samaritans instead.
A place where I felt safe to say how I really felt without anything happening to me against my will.

Contrary to what I’ve just said, I am in good control of myself and my actions.

I’ve spent years being this way, trying to meet this expectation that ‘I’m good’ that when I’m not I feel so ashamed of myself.

I push everyone away and feel fucking terrible for it.

I know what some responses are likely to be but I already know them.
It doesn’t change that this is how I feel.

I’m sorry that I disappear when I struggle to function to my highest standard.

I know I’ve done this to myself.

Life doesn’t come with a rule book. Mental illness doesn’t either.
 
K

Kayaker

Guest
I feel so misunderstood too. I even think that I couldn't find the right medication because I can't ever tell how I feel to the psychiatrist. Or to express genuinely how I am to psychologist. I just can't do; and even if I could, they don't feel it. Hell, even other people with depression perhaps wouldn't understand. Because to truly understand, one must be inside my own skin. And that is impossible.
It is an unfair fight, and I gave up on trying to be understood. I am just existing.
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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I’ve always thought I was being extremely selfish but I’m coming to realise that actually I’m putting my high functioning standard above how I really feel and to the detriment of what I actually need.

Still feel incredibly selfish though.

There is no rule book to navigate from though, we just revert to what we know, what works for us to keep us alive.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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I'm surprised you are able to work while experiencing so much dissociation, though I don't know what job you do or how long you've done it.
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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I'm surprised you are able to work while experiencing so much dissociation, though I don't know what job you do or how long you've done it.
It’s a job I’ve been doing for 3 and a half years that I could literally do in my sleep!
 
Bod

Bod

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When you first told me you had not managed to make the appointment I knew in my mind sadly that you had cancelled it because you would be far to scared to go, because you did not know what would happen and that is just what the FEAR of the unknown does to us. Are they going to section us because they think we are a danger to our selfs or others or are they going to diagnose us with something more. My fear of the unknown stopped me many times and when the help was offered again I had to jump at it because it saved my life and I knew it would too, then the really serious and hard work had to start and that was so fucking hard to do and go through but for me I had to as I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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When you first told me you had not managed to make the appointment I knew in my mind sadly that you had cancelled it because you would be far to scared to go, because you did not know what would happen and that is just what the FEAR of the unknown does to us. Are they going to section us because they think we are a danger to our selfs or others or are they going to diagnose us with something more. My fear of the unknown stopped me many times and when the help was offered again I had to jump at it because it saved my life and I knew it would too, then the really serious and hard work had to start and that was so fucking hard to do and go through but for me I had to as I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It’s true I was scared. I did however go to my appointment today, I did leave out things I probably shouldn’t have but at least I’ve made a step forward right?
 
Bod

Bod

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It is that first step that is the biggest for us, and YES it is a step forward.
 
Capt Hooke

Capt Hooke

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Hadley Rille
Why does the title of this thread refer to High Functioning?
 
M

Mistral

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If you can d
Why does the title of this thread refer to High Functioning?
The OP is working normally. I first heard the term about 15 years ago when my psychiatrist used it to describe my depression as I was working normally, doing household chores etc as normal. I was still very depressed though.
 
B

BobTheBuilder1989

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Nov 25, 2021
Messages
102
Location
USA
It’s a lonely feeling.

I’ve always felt selfish.

Always felt ashamed of how I feel.

I am to blame for the loneliness, I set up the expectation of how I’m supposed to be.

On the outside I’m good and I’m reliable. If I fail to meet that image I feel ashamed and guilty.

This morning I was supposed to have an appointment to talk about how I’m doing and what help I need but I had to reschedule that for tomorrow because I just couldn’t do it.

I went to work this morning and I spent the majority of my time there feeling completely dissociated from everything and everyone around me.

Again, on the outside no one even noticed because I hate to show it. I find it near on impossible to show how I truly feel.

From there on I could feel myself falling further down, being triggered by things around me.

An hour before my appointment I had to call up and say I couldn’t make it. Why? Because I was terrified.
Terrified that if I told them how I really felt that they would admit me to hospital. I didn’t and don’t want that.

Instead I took myself off for a bit and called the Samaritans instead.
A place where I felt safe to say how I really felt without anything happening to me against my will.

Contrary to what I’ve just said, I am in good control of myself and my actions.

I’ve spent years being this way, trying to meet this expectation that ‘I’m good’ that when I’m not I feel so ashamed of myself.

I push everyone away and feel fucking terrible for it.

I know what some responses are likely to be but I already know them.
It doesn’t change that this is how I feel.

I’m sorry that I disappear when I struggle to function to my highest standard.

I know I’ve done this to myself.

Life doesn’t come with a rule book. Mental illness doesn’t either.
This is quite exactly how I feel. I look very normal and very happy really. I crack a lot of jokes, smile around others, but the depressive and suicidal thoughts are always there in the background. When I come home, I just crash !
 
Capt Hooke

Capt Hooke

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Hadley Rille
If you can d

The OP is working normally. I first heard the term about 15 years ago when my psychiatrist used it to describe my depression as I was working normally, doing household chores etc as normal. I was still very depressed though.

No, I think that to rate as "High Functioning" you have to be doing a job which is quite demanding, for example, you might have several staff report to you, be in control of a high-budget project etc. Being a gardener would not qualify as "High Functioning" and nor do household chores.
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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No, I think that to rate as "High Functioning" you have to be doing a job which is quite demanding, for example, you might have several staff report to you, be in control of a high-budget project etc. Being a gardener would not qualify as "High Functioning" and nor do household chores.
I disagree with this being the ‘only’ description.

There’s more than just one level, if you will, of depression. Trying to put one definition into one box doesn’t fit.
Personally, I don’t actually tick all the right boxes for depression as in what is deemed as ‘textbook’ depression, you know the list of questions about your thoughts and feelings and how it affects your daily life, I don’t tick many of them at all.
Does it mean I don’t have depression? No, I definitely do.

I’m not someone with depression who can’t get out of bed, go to work, look after myself, wash, eat, socialise etc.
I’m someone with depression who can function very highly, I go above and beyond the basics of everyday life, the basics being getting up, looking after myself, showering, eating, working.

My job description has nothing to do with how highly I function as a human being with depression.
 
LoqLamp

LoqLamp

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670
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UK
No, I think that to rate as "High Functioning" you have to be doing a job which is quite demanding, for example, you might have several staff report to you, be in control of a high-budget project etc. Being a gardener would not qualify as "High Functioning" and nor do household chores.
High functioning just means you are able to operate in day to day life and can hold a job.
 
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