My hello novel

[Achlys]

Hello there, prepare for a novel im sure. I not only love to write, I think I just might have alot to say.

I've suffered from severe anxiety and depression for..as long as I can remember. I got noticed by the 'system' one night about 11 years ago in my early 20's, when I emptied every pill bottle I could find in my house and cut my wrists. After sitting with them, and playing the 'oh im fine, send me home' card VERY well. They put me in group therapy after telling me that I suffered from Social Phobia. Seemed to be a conflict there in my mind(but hey what i do i know?)Either way I didnt stick around for long, I couldnt work, or go to simple social places let alone sit in a room with 15 strangers and talk about my issues

I was married, had someone help support me, financially at least. So, time passed. I am very good at that, making people think im fine, its half my problem. I HATE to say im not. So.. I existing im my little bubble I created for myself...that would be where I lived, worked(part time), shopped all in the same small area. friends blah, some, i push ppl away, well more that I just dont have the energy to keep contact. And half the time I have no clue what to say anyways.

Though it wasnt til years later I realised that I was even in a bubble, I wonder if anyone knows what I mean by that?

That marriage failed, not miserably. Just fizzled out i suppose. As happens where theres no real love there. We could be friends, if I was so inclined..im not.

Then my world was turned upside by meeting a guy online (heys its what we do huh?) married him and moved out of my bubble to a whole new country. Can anyone say NOSEDIVE. I completely lost whatever sense of normality I might have had, I couldn't work, I couldnt go get milk! Needless to say a tremendous strain was placed on my marriage. Perhaps things would have been different had I maybe mentioned the severity of my issues BEFORE I went there. Like how my moods can change like the wind, how I see problems that arent really there. How if you leave me for the night I might..just might have a massive spell and beat my head against the wall over and over

I spent two years there with him, some of it very good, alot bad. The bad was mostly me and my inability to...function like a normal adult. I bounced in that 'system' for a bit, never actually hitting anything helpful. A few trips to Emerge due to my cutting and his fear. One resulting in a fairly interesting talk with a pyschiatrist. Many trips to Gp's who through no fault of their own were unable to help in any real way. Lots of labels thrown at me, Depression, Dsthymia, again Social Anxiety. Along with pills. First Cipralex, and then Mirtazipine, im still on that, though it might as well be M&M's for all the good I feel mosts days.

Now 35 im back in my home town, living at my parents, after being tossed by the love of my life, and once again back in the original system, this time I feel ive made more of a dent(Though it took another trip to Emerge to do it) Perhaps because I have more of a reason this to time to get better? I dont know, I just know this time im begging for help...though I have to say its hard to get people to really listen.

Saw a few docs at the Metal Health Hospital, who tossed another label at me, though this time I think its gonna stick. BPD. Ive done some reading, not wanting to just willingly go along with whatever they say. And I have to agree, its scary how much applies to me and my ..roller coaster life.

Ive finally started to see a 'counsellor' but since its only been three sessions ive no clue hows thats going. The worst I think is having to repeat yourself over and over and over. Ive told the story of my life so many times over the years, in Emergency rooms, to psyche nurses to doctors to counsellors, it feels like im talking about someones else's....Am i alone in that???

I know that when I do it theres no emotion there and I can see them looking at me as if to say...theres nothing wrong with you. Ahh again what do I know?


What I do know is im hitting bottom again. Trying desperately to get my husband back(its possible, not just in my imagination, requires perhaps some more ..stability from me) Stability...give me one wish and thats what it would be. To have a day...that I felt the same ALL day, that I knew what would happen next and no matter what it was...I could deal with it.

I can feel once again that disassociation, like im talking about someone else. When the real truth is, im lonely and im so sad, I cry constantly, and im terrified. Of never getting better, of losing everyone who..cares about me, of..giving up on myself and any shred of dreams I might have. Christmas is coming I can feel it peeking its ugly head around the corner, and im terrified of spending it without my husband. And ive come here..........from lack of options, hoping for..maybe someone who will understand, and who I wont push away.

Ok, The End. Though i do feel better for having written this, thats something at least.

 

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Achlys,
There's a lot of information there to digest -- not that I'm in any position to throw stones. I write long posts too.

In reading through your post I was reminded of something I have observed over the years and that is that nothing happens in terms of recovery or wellness until the individual in crisis is ready to move to that space. You seem ready to go there.

I'm not sure if when you use the term BPD you're referring to borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder -- I've seen that term used for both. Either way, there are specific discussions for both here as well as much more. I don't have much in the way of familiarity with either but I do believe that peers can be an excellent source of support. Probably one of the best things you could do for yourself would be to hook up with some and learn what you can from them in terms of the treatments (pharmaceutical, therapeutic, and alternative) that they have found most helpful. That would allow you to begin to identify options that might work best for you and who you are.

My own area of experience is not in those areas but the following is some generic advice that can probably be adapted for your use. When people are reaching for recovery I recommend that they find a way of putting the following items in place: a Support Team and a Support Toolbox.

Support Teams are comprised of people. They typically include family, friends, partners, peers and mentors as well as professionals such as counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc. By creating a support team for yourself you increase the odds that when you need help, someone on your team will be able to provide it.

Support Toolboxes are comprised of things that you identify as personally helpful. Because you determine what goes in there, support toolboxes tend to be quite personal. For example, tonglen meditation, music, poetry and books went into mine. Someone else might toss medication, jogging and fishing into theirs.

Something else that can be helpful is to construct a timeline of events in point form. It helps provide both a broad overview, can help demonstrate patterns of behavior and can also serve as an inventory list of items to work through. Best of all, it prevents you from having to repeat your history over and over to one caregiver after another. I suggest you construct yours, print it off and hand it to your current counselor. Be sure to point out to him/her your ability to come off as so polished and capable that you end up sabotaging yourself by not getting the help you need.

Best of luck to you.

~ Namaste

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[nickh]

Hi Achlys and to the Forum - hope that you find some support and encouragement here.

I don't have much to add to what Spiritual Emergency said except to say that one of the good things about coming here is to discover that you are never alone. The experience of getting mightily weary of having to repeat your story (which can be difficult in itself) to new medical professionals is I am sure one a lot of us share - I certainly do! But in the end if you get the right help it is worthwhile even if it can seem not to be at the time.

Nick.

 

[Achlys]

Thank you both for your replies and kind words, its nice to know theres someone out there

spiritual, I was referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm afraid for me there are virtually no 'up' days..hence the earlier mention of dysthymia.

As far as the support team and toolbox, im working on the toolbox. Its funny how you can get to be 35 and not really know what it is you like to do. Im told thats all part and parcel but it still baffles the mind somedays. I have things I enjoy and can be obsessive once I start something, but quickly lose interest.

The team is slightly more complicated, I've alienated pretty much anyone around me who would have been that support system, through years of pushing them away and not getting help when they wanted me to. Im just hoping they havent given up on me completely. Its hard to truly open up after all this time, when you honestly dont know what you feel most of the time.

Which brings me to writing it all down..great idea both of you! DUH me lol I've written bits and pieces here and there, but never attempted to start at the beginning and tell the whole story. So thank you both for that. I write all the time, poems, the beginnings of stories i never finish. THAT is one piece of advice I will definitely be following.

 

[Dollit]

Hi Achyls and welcome.

About support teams - some of the people on my support team don't even know they're part of it. People like the girls in Boots where I go to pick up my prescription who always ask how I am and who always tell me to take care or if I look tired to get me to rest. And the pharmacist in there who always asks about the voluntary work I do.

Then there are the teams I work with who are all aware that I'm bipolar and just treat me as if I'm a real person unless I'm sick and then they all gather round.

We all alienate people, it's part of the human condition but it is possible to build up a small team and they are just as effective as big teams.