A
Achlys
Member
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2008
- Messages
- 8
Hello there, prepare for a novel im sure. I not only love to write, I think I just might have alot to say.
I've suffered from severe anxiety and depression for..as long as I can remember. I got noticed by the 'system' one night about 11 years ago in my early 20's, when I emptied every pill bottle I could find in my house and cut my wrists. After sitting with them, and playing the 'oh im fine, send me home' card VERY well. They put me in group therapy after telling me that I suffered from Social Phobia. Seemed to be a conflict there in my mind(but hey what i do i know?)Either way I didnt stick around for long, I couldnt work, or go to simple social places let alone sit in a room with 15 strangers and talk about my issues
I was married, had someone help support me, financially at least. So, time passed. I am very good at that, making people think im fine, its half my problem. I HATE to say im not. So.. I existing im my little bubble I created for myself...that would be where I lived, worked(part time), shopped all in the same small area. friends blah, some, i push ppl away, well more that I just dont have the energy to keep contact. And half the time I have no clue what to say anyways.
Though it wasnt til years later I realised that I was even in a bubble, I wonder if anyone knows what I mean by that?
That marriage failed, not miserably. Just fizzled out i suppose. As happens where theres no real love there. We could be friends, if I was so inclined..im not.
Then my world was turned upside by meeting a guy online (heys its what we do huh?) married him and moved out of my bubble to a whole new country. Can anyone say NOSEDIVE. I completely lost whatever sense of normality I might have had, I couldn't work, I couldnt go get milk! Needless to say a tremendous strain was placed on my marriage. Perhaps things would have been different had I maybe mentioned the severity of my issues BEFORE I went there. Like how my moods can change like the wind, how I see problems that arent really there. How if you leave me for the night I might..just might have a massive spell and beat my head against the wall over and over
I spent two years there with him, some of it very good, alot bad. The bad was mostly me and my inability to...function like a normal adult. I bounced in that 'system' for a bit, never actually hitting anything helpful. A few trips to Emerge due to my cutting and his fear. One resulting in a fairly interesting talk with a pyschiatrist. Many trips to Gp's who through no fault of their own were unable to help in any real way. Lots of labels thrown at me, Depression, Dsthymia, again Social Anxiety. Along with pills. First Cipralex, and then Mirtazipine, im still on that, though it might as well be M&M's for all the good I feel mosts days.
Now 35 im back in my home town, living at my parents, after being tossed by the love of my life, and once again back in the original system, this time I feel ive made more of a dent(Though it took another trip to Emerge to do it) Perhaps because I have more of a reason this to time to get better? I dont know, I just know this time im begging for help...though I have to say its hard to get people to really listen.
Saw a few docs at the Metal Health Hospital, who tossed another label at me, though this time I think its gonna stick. BPD. Ive done some reading, not wanting to just willingly go along with whatever they say. And I have to agree, its scary how much applies to me and my ..roller coaster life.
Ive finally started to see a 'counsellor' but since its only been three sessions ive no clue hows thats going. The worst I think is having to repeat yourself over and over and over. Ive told the story of my life so many times over the years, in Emergency rooms, to psyche nurses to doctors to counsellors, it feels like im talking about someones else's....Am i alone in that???
I know that when I do it theres no emotion there and I can see them looking at me as if to say...theres nothing wrong with you. Ahh again what do I know?
What I do know is im hitting bottom again. Trying desperately to get my husband back(its possible, not just in my imagination, requires perhaps some more ..stability from me)
Stability...give me one wish and thats what it would be. To have a day...that I felt the same ALL day, that I knew what would happen next and no matter what it was...I could deal with it.
I can feel once again that disassociation, like im talking about someone else. When the real truth is, im lonely and im so sad, I cry constantly, and im terrified. Of never getting better, of losing everyone who..cares about me, of..giving up on myself and any shred of dreams I might have. Christmas is coming I can feel it peeking its ugly head around the corner, and im terrified of spending it without my husband. And ive come here..........from lack of options, hoping for..maybe someone who will understand, and who I wont push away.
Ok, The End. Though i do feel better for having written this, thats something at least.
I've suffered from severe anxiety and depression for..as long as I can remember. I got noticed by the 'system' one night about 11 years ago in my early 20's, when I emptied every pill bottle I could find in my house and cut my wrists. After sitting with them, and playing the 'oh im fine, send me home' card VERY well. They put me in group therapy after telling me that I suffered from Social Phobia. Seemed to be a conflict there in my mind(but hey what i do i know?)Either way I didnt stick around for long, I couldnt work, or go to simple social places let alone sit in a room with 15 strangers and talk about my issues

I was married, had someone help support me, financially at least. So, time passed. I am very good at that, making people think im fine, its half my problem. I HATE to say im not. So.. I existing im my little bubble I created for myself...that would be where I lived, worked(part time), shopped all in the same small area. friends blah, some, i push ppl away, well more that I just dont have the energy to keep contact. And half the time I have no clue what to say anyways.
Though it wasnt til years later I realised that I was even in a bubble, I wonder if anyone knows what I mean by that?
That marriage failed, not miserably. Just fizzled out i suppose. As happens where theres no real love there. We could be friends, if I was so inclined..im not.
Then my world was turned upside by meeting a guy online (heys its what we do huh?) married him and moved out of my bubble to a whole new country. Can anyone say NOSEDIVE. I completely lost whatever sense of normality I might have had, I couldn't work, I couldnt go get milk! Needless to say a tremendous strain was placed on my marriage. Perhaps things would have been different had I maybe mentioned the severity of my issues BEFORE I went there. Like how my moods can change like the wind, how I see problems that arent really there. How if you leave me for the night I might..just might have a massive spell and beat my head against the wall over and over

I spent two years there with him, some of it very good, alot bad. The bad was mostly me and my inability to...function like a normal adult. I bounced in that 'system' for a bit, never actually hitting anything helpful. A few trips to Emerge due to my cutting and his fear. One resulting in a fairly interesting talk with a pyschiatrist. Many trips to Gp's who through no fault of their own were unable to help in any real way. Lots of labels thrown at me, Depression, Dsthymia, again Social Anxiety. Along with pills. First Cipralex, and then Mirtazipine, im still on that, though it might as well be M&M's for all the good I feel mosts days.
Now 35 im back in my home town, living at my parents, after being tossed by the love of my life, and once again back in the original system, this time I feel ive made more of a dent(Though it took another trip to Emerge to do it) Perhaps because I have more of a reason this to time to get better? I dont know, I just know this time im begging for help...though I have to say its hard to get people to really listen.
Saw a few docs at the Metal Health Hospital, who tossed another label at me, though this time I think its gonna stick. BPD. Ive done some reading, not wanting to just willingly go along with whatever they say. And I have to agree, its scary how much applies to me and my ..roller coaster life.
Ive finally started to see a 'counsellor' but since its only been three sessions ive no clue hows thats going. The worst I think is having to repeat yourself over and over and over. Ive told the story of my life so many times over the years, in Emergency rooms, to psyche nurses to doctors to counsellors, it feels like im talking about someones else's....Am i alone in that???
I know that when I do it theres no emotion there and I can see them looking at me as if to say...theres nothing wrong with you. Ahh again what do I know?
What I do know is im hitting bottom again. Trying desperately to get my husband back(its possible, not just in my imagination, requires perhaps some more ..stability from me)

I can feel once again that disassociation, like im talking about someone else. When the real truth is, im lonely and im so sad, I cry constantly, and im terrified. Of never getting better, of losing everyone who..cares about me, of..giving up on myself and any shred of dreams I might have. Christmas is coming I can feel it peeking its ugly head around the corner, and im terrified of spending it without my husband. And ive come here..........from lack of options, hoping for..maybe someone who will understand, and who I wont push away.
Ok, The End. Though i do feel better for having written this, thats something at least.