My head needs reading!

[greebobeebo]

I have just spent 10 minutes listening to a cd of my Dads and crying the entire time. Y'see he died in 2005 from cancer, bl00dy inconvenient, he was 59, nearly due to retire to his house in France. He chose to ignore the pains in his stomach and put it down to indigestion. This may be just one of those times where life has dealt a naff hand. All I know is that I wish he was here. I never realised until he was gone how alike we were and how dissimilar to my Mum and sister I was.

There is a history of mental health issues on my Mum's side of the family and to all those looking in it would seem that my sister has the naff gene (she has bd) and yet I still suffer quietly, whether I have anything other than depression I don't know, do I want to know, not really!

BUT how does a person deal with feelings of being alone, when you break up with someone who you believed you would spend the rest of your life with? I have had this feeling since I was 17, I am now 37. I don't want to spend my life being with someone who does my head in and also frightens my OS. I want to find someone who sees me as my Dad did, someone who has a bizarre sense of humour like my Dad had.

I have my Mum, but she didn't even invite me over for a coffee when my sister was down this weekend and I live less than 5 minutes away, I don't really get on with my sister, she has been evil to me as far back as I can remember but she has a boy who is 9 months older than my youngest, why couldn't they play. What did I do?

I just want to curl up in a corner and not wake up, not suicide I don't do that, I have 2 boys who need me. I just want a break, but I don't trust anyone enough, not even my OH.

I know I am feeling this way because I don't really want to be with my OH any more but that doesn't stop the lonely feeling. The one thing I am not going to do is resort to Alcohol, I know that isn't going to help me. If I could trust my Ex in laws I would leave my OS with them, if I could trust my OH I would leave my YS with him and then wander off in to the sunset, but I can't they are my boys and I am their mother.

I appear to be waffling a bit but I needed to, it's very cathartic for me to write my feelings down. I have done since I was 16.

Any Thoughts would be helpful. Thanx

 

[berlioz]

you know reading you post makes me sad. you sound just like me!!!...wether thats good or bad i don't know. I cry when i think of my nana passing away so quickly, then everything floods back!!!..
not helping much am i!
feelings of depression are horrible arn't they? sometimes i just sob and sob till i feel better but thats hard when you have kids.

Suggestions i tell myself are: taking the dog for a walk in the fields, lying on the grass outside. i try and get out as much as possible. Turn off the t.v

Take care
jo