my grandmother is constantly putting me in bad moods and i dont know if im in the wrong i'd appreciate help

M

mangorice

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#1
my grandmother is constantly putting me in bad moods and i dont know if im in the wrong i'd appreciate help

First off thanks for clicking onto this, I made an account just to post this as id love help from this community. First off i've lived with my grandmother and dad for all my life (my mom hasn't been around) and i've been in online courses for two years meaning im constantly around my grandmother.

I've been sadder than usual lately and ive pinpointed it to constantly be because of my grandma. If you all have guesses on what could be wrong with her please share and if you have ideas on how to control anger I need help. Honestly as bad as it is i cant stand hearing her talk? Its like the feeling people get after hearing nails on chalkboard but it keeps going idk.

1. She constantly needs attention: I understand the elderly (she's 74) may need help remembering what to do or want help deciding on something and I like helping with that. But the thing is my dad is out of his room at least half the day running around doing chores and after that decides to watch tv with my grandmother almost every night. I like shopping and so does she so we do that often- we also go to the library and ymca lots. Whenever I ask for time in my room she sighs and says something along the lines of "oh your leaving me.." in this childish voice- one time she even started bawling after we were at the mall all day as she asked! I honestly cant get time away from her so im deciding to get a job.

2. She's plain rude: Im in 8th grade, middle school- I should be the hormonal rebellious idiot. The main thing that annoys me is how she acts around my papa, they've divorced and she reminds me of that once every other day. Background on my papa- he's a crazily kind soul and I love him alot, he's kind of done everything for me that I wish I could've experienced from my mother. He's gives me good advice, help with school, gives me space if I ask, trusts me, buys me too much honestly I don't ask for much, and even cooks when im sick !! My grandma cant stand that I like him more than her, she cant even look at him without rolling her eyes. She's constantly scoffing and making him out as the bad guy (whenever we play cards and she forget how it works my papa reminds her then she goes around saying he thinks shes an idiot). One time we were playing dice and my papa was explaining how it worked then they went back and forth "so we.." "no we do this.." "are you sure.." "yes.." "I think your wrong.." ect ect.. then my grandma got really mad and threw the dice at my papa and said im never allowed to see him. After a few minutes she came back and said "Im so sorry thats not who I am im really a calm kindhearted person I dont know what I was thinking". That makes me so upset!! She's constantly raising her voice, asking for help then getting upset when she gets it, and being rude to strangers also but nooo thats "not actually her" what does that even mean. After every week of her constantly putting those around her in bad moods she'll gather us in the living room and apologize for damage control. But it keeps happening every week! Oh but thats not all- last week when my gm, papa, and I went to verizon to get my grandma a new phone we were about to check out and she just waited for my papa to get out his card. She literally expected my papa to pay for her phone, he never said he would!

3: Not horrible but she jumps to conclusions and it irks me: If she cant find her keys in 2 minutes "theyre lost" and she'll start to cry in a publix parking lot. If I want to go upstairs to watch youtube I "never want to see her again". If she cant find the cat in 5 minutes she's lost outside and might as well buy another one. She's actually said that- it made me so mad, they arent objects.

4: She forgets everything and gets in a screaming fit if I remind her: For example today we went to the ymca and she decided she wants a membership (before she seemed content going to the pool area and sitting) so the nice lady gave her a 3 day pass to test everything out. She's lost 2 phones, 1 computer, lots of keys, ect. so I asked her to let me hold onto it so she wont lose it, I asked the same about an old phone she lost but then found (not included in the 2 phones I mentioned earlier) she agreed and thanked me to both. Few hours after we got back she came into my room and asked about dinner, I said I already ate, and she started crying. Then we got onto the topic of ymca and I said it was nice of the lady to give a pass and my gm said "I never got one!" I showed her it "thats not mine" she said, so I showed it had her name on it- she insisted I stole it and got very upset. I told her I didnt want her to lose it and she started raising her voice about how she never loses anything. Then "what else have you stolen from me!?" I told her I didnt steal it but i've been holding her old phone for the same reason until we can switch the number to her current one like she wants. "I could report you for this. I promise i will. This is serious" she slammed my door, I started laughing.

5. Hanging out with friends is... difficult: First off- I can hardly see my friends since I do online school and I only have two. My best friend invited me to the beach (I havent done anything like that in years) and we were all set, my grandma knew, and we were minutes from leaving my friends house when I decided to call my gm and let her know we were going to leave and I wouldnt have my phone. "You need to come home now" she says- I anxiously remind her of what she agreed to "I never agreed" long story short she threatened to call the police on my friends family and I was dropped off and didnt go to the beach. About an hour after I got home she said she actually remembered agreeing... . But she threatens police alot, like if im too late or if I walk too far down the street with the dog. Anyways, it annoys me so much how I spend most of my time with her then when I ask to spend a weekend at my best friends house first my gm acts all sad because she cant deal with me gone for a day then as im at my friends house my gm could always call a day early again and ruin my small break from her.

6. The reason why im making this post: Remember what I said about the time my grandma thought I stole a ymca pass and old phone from her? Apparently she called my papa of all people and started screaming about how my dad and I wanted to
seriously harm her. We absolutely do not and would not. My dad has crazy patience with her, and because of the fact that I hate how loud and rude she is i've tried to make myself the opposite of what I dislike about her. My dad just finished cleaning carpets and I was still tired from the y- so we were both in our rooms. While my gm was raising her voice about how she never loses anything and was going to report me for "stealing" I stood there giggling and due to how normal this is, my dad stayed in his room. But according to my papa who called my dad after- she was going frantic, maybe having delusions, and talking about that bad things we were going to do. Neither of us have laid a hand on her. This is crazy, this is the first time something like this has happened. But remember how I said she does the gatherings for weekly damage control, well after we found out what she told papa she called us down and started out this week with "What are you going to do to me?" (nothing!!) but eventually started apologizing and saying how much of a kind responsible person she actually is. Ive never raised my voice, put a hand on her, or wished ill will against her (not in private either!).

I have to stay here because I cant leave my dad alone with her, i'd feel too guilty and she overfeeds the cats we have horribly so I need to stay so each night I can ration out treats properly. But I dont know how much I cant deal with I honestly hate this i'd love some ideas or possibilities of whats going on. Thanks for reading.
 
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Groot

Groot

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#2
My granny was a fat Polish woman with rather cold clammy skin. She looked like Jabba the Hutt. She loved to play piano, drink wodka and sing, and she cook good homemade Pierogies, and for as long as I can remember I was scared to kiss or hug her.

When I divorced my wife, I moved into her house, I was very lost and lonely... really needing love.... and she said.... YOU ARE a WORTHLESS BUM. GARBAGE. YOU ARE NOBODY. YOU ARE SHIT boy. Shit on a stick. Crap on a cracker. You are a FAILURE as a husband and a father and a man.

Gosh, in retrospect, my granny reminds me sooo much of my mum.

You should prolly get far away from your granny is my best advice
 
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M

mangorice

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#3
geez groot hope your okay, stay well- thanks for replying.
 
Groot

Groot

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#4
I'm all good mango. Granny is dead and soon my mom will be dead too. And her sister, my aunt, is already dead. Granny... 2 daughters... The way I see it... 3 witches will be dead and buried soon. Some kind of cosmic circle or triangle shall complete... the 3 women will all be rejoined in Hell. lol
 
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Groot

Groot

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#5
Probably what I'm trying to get at here mango is, your grandmother is almost certainly triangulating your family, and you're in the fallout zone. You're being scapegoated.
 
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Cazcat

Cazcat

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#6
First off thanks for clicking onto this, I made an account just to post this as id love help from this community. First off i've lived with my grandmother and dad for all my life (my mom hasn't been around) and i've been in online courses for two years meaning im constantly around my grandmother.

I've been sadder than usual lately and ive pinpointed it to constantly be because of my grandma. If you all have guesses on what could be wrong with her please share and if you have ideas on how to control anger I need help. Honestly as bad as it is i cant stand hearing her talk? Its like the feeling people get after hearing nails on chalkboard but it keeps going idk.

1. She constantly needs attention: I understand the elderly (she's 74) may need help remembering what to do or want help deciding on something and I like helping with that. But the thing is my dad is out of his room at least half the day running around doing chores and after that decides to watch tv with my grandmother almost every night. I like shopping and so does she so we do that often- we also go to the library and ymca lots. Whenever I ask for time in my room she sighs and says something along the lines of "oh your leaving me.." in this childish voice- one time she even started bawling after we were at the mall all day as she asked! I honestly cant get time away from her so im deciding to get a job.

2. She's plain rude: Im in 8th grade, middle school- I should be the hormonal rebellious idiot. The main thing that annoys me is how she acts around my papa, they've divorced and she reminds me of that once every other day. Background on my papa- he's a crazily kind soul and I love him alot, he's kind of done everything for me that I wish I could've experienced from my mother. He's gives me good advice, help with school, gives me space if I ask, trusts me, buys me too much honestly I don't ask for much, and even cooks when im sick !! My grandma cant stand that I like him more than her, she cant even look at him without rolling her eyes. She's constantly scoffing and making him out as the bad guy (whenever we play cards and she forget how it works my papa reminds her then she goes around saying he thinks shes an idiot). One time we were playing dice and my papa was explaining how it worked then they went back and forth "so we.." "no we do this.." "are you sure.." "yes.." "I think your wrong.." ect ect.. then my grandma got really mad and threw the dice at my papa and said im never allowed to see him. After a few minutes she came back and said "Im so sorry thats not who I am im really a calm kindhearted person I dont know what I was thinking". That makes me so upset!! She's constantly raising her voice, asking for help then getting upset when she gets it, and being rude to strangers also but nooo thats "not actually her" what does that even mean. After every week of her constantly putting those around her in bad moods she'll gather us in the living room and apologize for damage control. But it keeps happening every week! Oh but thats not all- last week when my gm, papa, and I went to verizon to get my grandma a new phone we were about to check out and she just waited for my papa to get out his card. She literally expected my papa to pay for her phone, he never said he would!

3: Not horrible but she jumps to conclusions and it irks me: If she cant find her keys in 2 minutes "theyre lost" and she'll start to cry in a publix parking lot. If I want to go upstairs to watch youtube I "never want to see her again". If she cant find the cat in 5 minutes she's lost outside and might as well buy another one. She's actually said that- it made me so mad, they arent objects.

4: She forgets everything and gets in a screaming fit if I remind her: For example today we went to the ymca and she decided she wants a membership (before she seemed content going to the pool area and sitting) so the nice lady gave her a 3 day pass to test everything out. She's lost 2 phones, 1 computer, lots of keys, ect. so I asked her to let me hold onto it so she wont lose it, I asked the same about an old phone she lost but then found (not included in the 2 phones I mentioned earlier) she agreed and thanked me to both. Few hours after we got back she came into my room and asked about dinner, I said I already ate, and she started crying. Then we got onto the topic of ymca and I said it was nice of the lady to give a pass and my gm said "I never got one!" I showed her it "thats not mine" she said, so I showed it had her name on it- she insisted I stole it and got very upset. I told her I didnt want her to lose it and she started raising her voice about how she never loses anything. Then "what else have you stolen from me!?" I told her I didnt steal it but i've been holding her old phone for the same reason until we can switch the number to her current one like she wants. "I could report you for this. I promise i will. This is serious" she slammed my door, I started laughing.

5. Hanging out with friends is... difficult: First off- I can hardly see my friends since I do online school and I only have two. My best friend invited me to the beach (I havent done anything like that in years) and we were all set, my grandma knew, and we were minutes from leaving my friends house when I decided to call my gm and let her know we were going to leave and I wouldnt have my phone. "You need to come home now" she says- I anxiously remind her of what she agreed to "I never agreed" long story short she threatened to call the police on my friends family and I was dropped off and didnt go to the beach. About an hour after I got home she said she actually remembered agreeing... . But she threatens police alot, like if im too late or if I walk too far down the street with the dog. Anyways, it annoys me so much how I spend most of my time with her then when I ask to spend a weekend at my best friends house first my gm acts all sad because she cant deal with me gone for a day then as im at my friends house my gm could always call a day early again and ruin my small break from her.

6. The reason why im making this post: Remember what I said about the time my grandma thought I stole a ymca pass and old phone from her? Apparently she called my papa of all people and started screaming about how my dad and I wanted to
seriously harm her. We absolutely do not and would not. My dad has crazy patience with her, and because of the fact that I hate how loud and rude she is i've tried to make myself the opposite of what I dislike about her. My dad just finished cleaning carpets and I was still tired from the y- so we were both in our rooms. While my gm was raising her voice about how she never loses anything and was going to report me for "stealing" I stood there giggling and due to how normal this is, my dad stayed in his room. But according to my papa who called my dad after- she was going frantic, maybe having delusions, and talking about that bad things we were going to do. Neither of us have laid a hand on her. This is crazy, this is the first time something like this has happened. But remember how I said she does the gatherings for weekly damage control, well after we found out what she told papa she called us down and started out this week with "What are you going to do to me?" (nothing!!) but eventually started apologizing and saying how much of a kind responsible person she actually is. Ive never raised my voice, put a hand on her, or wished ill will against her (not in private either!).

I have to stay here because I cant leave my dad alone with her, i'd feel too guilty and she overfeeds the cats we have horribly so I need to stay so each night I can ration out treats properly. But I dont know how much I cant deal with I honestly hate this i'd love some ideas or possibilities of whats going on. Thanks for reading.
Are these behaviours new or getting worse? If so I wonder if they could be some early signs of memory problems, losing things, forgetting things, not wanting to be alone. It might be worth discussing with your Dad and Papa to see what they think. If you are concerned that her memory is getting worse it would be worth her seeing a Dr.

For your own mental health you need your own space and also to be able to spend time with your friends. I don't know how old 8th grade makes you. Maybe she is finding it hard letting go as you grow up. Next time you have one of these family meetings could you raise the fact that you want to start having more independence.
 
M

mangorice

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#7
Are these behaviours new or getting worse? If so I wonder if they could be some early signs of memory problems, losing things, forgetting things, not wanting to be alone. It might be worth discussing with your Dad and Papa to see what they think. If you are concerned that her memory is getting worse it would be worth her seeing a Dr.

For your own mental health you need your own space and also to be able to spend time with your friends. I don't know how old 8th grade makes you. Maybe she is finding it hard letting go as you grow up. Next time you have one of these family meetings could you raise the fact that you want to start having more independence.
She's been rude and upsetting for the past three years but calling my papa with delusions happened yesterday for the first time. Memory problems worsened and become more common. Something I forgot to say in the original post is that she constantly goes to the doctor. It's become just something for her to do, its at least once a week. But when she goes she doesn't tell the doctor any of these problems with her mind, she'll talk about aches and whatnot but if the doctor mentions memory she says shes okay. I try to interject and simply correct her but she always makes these dumb eyes, she looks like a bird with those eyes. Im 14 and yes she is finding it hard to let go, i've brought it up and she normally agrees. But within a week its like she never agreed to giving me space.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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#8
14 can be a difficult age because you are wanting independence and to be treated like an adult, but the adults around you still see you as a child. It can be very frustrating and I remember battling with my mother for independence. In the end it took moving 200 miles away when I was 18 to feel like I had achieved that and to be honest now I'm in my 30s she still thinks she knows best and at times there is a battle of wills. I remind myself that she is only like this because she cares and it's nice that she wants to spend time with me. I suspect that your grandma really enjoys the time she spends with you and dreads you growing up and not needing her anymore.

When I was your age I remember feeling nearly grown up and people in their 20s seemed really old, by the time I was in my 20s I realised how little I knew and felt like a child pretending to be an adult worried at some point someone would notice. Now I'm in my 30s I look at people in their 20s and they seem so young and vulnerable. So your view does change as you get older and from your grandma's perspective I would probably seem incredibly young with little knowledge of the world.

With regard to your Grandma's memory you could talk to your Dad about going with her to talk to the Dr or even speaking to her Dr in private about his concerns about your grandma's memory and the things that have been happening. The Dr can't do much without your grandma's consent, but armed with this knowledge about the families concerns he would be able to introduce the topic with her.
 
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Mary26

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#9
First of all, your grandma is not elderly lol. She's not young but her issues aren't about age or dimentia or any of that. She's toxic. That's it. And since you're so young, you're a prisoner in her home and that just sucks.What can you do? You can talk to your father. Now understand that he is under her "guilt"spell but based on what you've said, he feels guilty toward you too. Use it to get what you need. Why? Because you cannot sacrifice your well-being, or your youth for that matter, because she is so crazy selfish and dysfunctional. Tell your father what you want--to go out with friends, to spend time alone in your room, to go to the store without having to worry about being arrested-- and that he owes you that. Because that's the language he will respond to.
 
SoftRain

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#10
i Have worked with dementia patients many times in my career as a nurse. If these behaviors are increasingly worse, losing keys, anger, agitation, paranoia she may very well be experiencing early signs of dementia. Its a distressing time, because they are aware that their memory is fading.
I wish your father would make those decisions about hanging out with friends. Its good for you to have friends and get out. If your father knows you are out with friends, and he has custody, there is nothing the police can do anyway, if you and your friends are doing nothing wrong.
 
M

mangorice

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#11
Yes her memory is the worst its been and i can hardly talk to her without something upsetting her. I've done some research and it really seems like dementia, that or shes just a bad person. I always tell my dad about my plans if i do get to make them with my friend. Ugh first time i didnt was that beach scenario, so i know well to tell him plans. Thanks for replying.