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My Girlfriend's Miscarriage

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Survive Vin

Member
Joined
May 10, 2018
Messages
14
Sighhhh so everyone knows how horrific a miscarriage is....two people who would literally give anything to see their child born....so when that doesn't happen you can imagine what that does to the "parents".....I can't get used to saying that... I could have been a dad.... I'm going off track, ughhh forgive me if this post is a mess... So basically me and my girlfriend have been trying to deal with the loss of our child, and I have never felt like this before in my life.... The grief is affecting us awfully... My girlfriend seems to want to argue, and take shots at me whenever she can. And I can't understand how she can think about ANYTHING else other than our child... I feel like I'm trying to be strong for everyone, I haven't told ANYONE about the miscarriage....I feel like I'm going to flip. My girlfriend having a go at me, I see an email notification at the top of my screen which is wrote in all capital letters which tells you what I'm going through with her.... We both told eachother we're leaving eachother last night but then less than an hour later we laid in bed....held hands and cried. I feel like I have ZERO support....

I genuinely don't know who to turn too or where to go.....I can't tell anyone... it's one thing grieving, but grieving in silence is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy....I just want to curl up in a ball and sob but I have the entire world to deal with so I can't....I don't know how I'm going to get through this... I think women see men as heartless, or like a "rock" that should be there for them whenever they're upset. But forget that, that "rock" has emotions to.... Every minute I try and picture what he or she would look like....who they would be closer to....my girlfriend thinks it was a girl as she's miscarried many girls before in previous relationships... and I can't help but wonder whether she would have been a daddy's girl....In my head she would have been..... because I would have spoiled her from birth...let her know she's loved...that she's safe....ughhhhh fuck I just want to die to be with her....what if she needs me wherever she is now? These are literally the things going round my head every second of the day.

I don't know why I posted this, I needed to vent. I just hope my little girl or boy is happy wherever they are now.... if you read up until now, thank you for caring......
 
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Candy19

Guest
I can't imagine what you must be going through, but clearly you both need a lot of support

I really don't know what advice to give on this subject, but maybe read through these:

Rebuilding Your Relationship After a Miscarriage: Advice for Men

After a miscarriage, you need love. So why are you fighting?

It seems its common that the relationship takes an affect after a miscarriage. Leaving each other might add to the grief, but if you need to take a break from each other then that might be better so you aren't projecting onto one another. Just as long as you both have some sort of support system outside of the relationship, therapy might work for you as it seems you feel alone in this and as if your feelings don't matter as much as hers, but of course they do, this was your child as well so don't feel ashamed

I wish you all the best
 
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Hopefullyuselful

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2018
Messages
7
I am so sorry for your loss, i can't even imagine the pain.

Although i didn't experience this precisely I know the pain of grieving alone and how much of a burden it is. I too as a man feel the same way as you do when it comes to the fact that we always have to act like heartless and untouched by emotions.

But my friend you have to experience the grieve to let the pain go. In my experience, trying to hold it through time does not make things better, it just puts them on stand by.

If the miscarriage is the cause of your problems with your partner you should have a talk about your feelings after it happened.

Am I right when I say that you seem to care more about the miscariage then her? or at least seem?

I would encourage you to sort things out with her and tell her how you feel. It's OK to cry. It's OK to be sad. You felt a pain no one should ever feel and you sound like someone who would make and will make a great father some day.

Even though it might not seem like it right now, but this experience can get you closer to your partner and this might be one positive thing out of this tragedy.

Also, have you thought about seeing a doctor with her to see how would be the best ways to conceive a child with diminished risks of miscariage?

Sorry for adding up, you told us that you can't tell anyone about the miscariage, do you mind me asking why?

I'm sorry for the intruding questions, feel free to answer them in as much transparency as you'd like. But I think that it would help you to talk about it and would help me and other persons on the thread to guide our support for you.

I'm here for you man if you want to message me in private! I'd be happy to help if you need me.

Stay strong
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Nov 6, 2016
Messages
4,152
Location
Ireland
Hi Survive Vin

It's difficult to even know what to say to you...... 'im sorry for your loss' sounds way too lame for the terrible hurt you are feeling...

Is it a possibility that you could share your grief with someone else - someone that is there just for you? Or go to a bereavement group specifically for parents who have lost a child...

If you keep all this pain and grief inside you - it will fester and grow and someday you will explode from it.....

Please please talk to someone who isn't your girlfriend. You won't be able to deal with her grief until you first get help for your own.

You need to be allowed to cry and shout and grieve as loudly or as quietly as you wish.... Please talk to someone..

Take care :hug1:
 
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Dulcie

Guest
I have family of whom one went through the terrible loss of miscarriage a few months ago, so I know in part what you are going through, @Survive Vin. She found this site, Miscarriage Association very helpful. Their support service is excellent.

Emotions after a miscarriage - The Miscarriage Association

Perhaps you could contact them sometime.


Never forget


If there is a photo from the baby’s first scan, you may want to keep this in a treasured place as a special way of remembering your baby, perhaps on the due date or the anniversary of the loss. Often doing or making something, such as a memorial, can help you and your partner work through your feelings.

Keeping a journal, or collecting up the items already bought for the baby, and storing them lovingly is one way of doing this. Most women say they will never forget the child they have lost, but finding a way of actively remembering and acknowledging him or her can help ease the pain.

Sophie and I will hold you in our prayers.
 
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LovesSeafood

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2018
Messages
14
It is tough what you are both going through, Survive Vin, this causes anxiety on top of losing your child. I would look for a grief counselor, someone who has handled a lot of similar cases, on top of the great advice everyone has so far given here. And you need to understand that hormones are still surging in her body and making her emotions not only unpredictable but can be really having a negative effect on her view of everything.
 
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Survive Vin

Member
Joined
May 10, 2018
Messages
14
First off I'd like to thank everyone for their amazing responses to my thread.... when I posted this thread I was basically at rock bottom. And although I'm not far off the bottom still now, I feel a lot better than I did. I'm sorry if I seem rude not replying until now but unsurprisingly me and my girlfriend have had a lot to talk about. I am still here! Fighting! I really would just like to thank everyone for caring, when I posted this I felt as if I should feel guilty about my feelings. It's because of what I read here that I taught myself to just go through the emotions....as heartbreaking as it is. So I'd just like to thank everyone for being so understanding, it really has meant the world to me!
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Nov 6, 2016
Messages
4,152
Location
Ireland
Really glad that you're feeling a little better now Survive Vin

Also very good that yourself and your girlfriend have been able to talk about it together :)
 
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Survive Vin

Member
Joined
May 10, 2018
Messages
14
Thanks Shadow, we talked.... I wouldn't say it went well but we've got lots out in the open. Apparently I'm "moping" and I shouldn't be so upset because "We didn't even have time to get attached to IT" Ughhhhh, and she now knows that I think she's been insensitive. I still feel guilty needing to vent, and have this as an outlet because I know my girlfriend wouldn't be happy if she knew I was on here talking about us.... but I couldn't bottle it up any longer. I guess it's hard because for some reason a man isn't supposed to take things harder than the woman during a miscarriage, so whenever I am upset and she isn't I get belittled....

Oh and to answer a previous question from "hopefullyuselful" I felt like we couldn't tell anyone as our child was unplanned, and to make things worse she had previously been told it was basically impossible for her to become pregnant again. Then we lost our child before even being able to enjoy the fact she was pregnant as it was an early miscarriage. I told my mum, and she seemed more annoyed than anything.....got told I should use protection.... I've had a shit couple of weeks lol but I'm still here! In fact I feel stronger than ever, having no support except from the people on this site has proved to me that I can survive through some horrific moments by myself.

Again I just want to thank everyone for their support, I genuinely don't know what I would have done without you lot. I felt ashamed of my emotions, guilty to be sad...and I don't think I could have gotten through this without everyone's help. Thank you all so much!
 
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Candy19

Guest
I'm glad you have some outlet, there's only so much we can do online to support you, but its good it is helping. If you need extra support in real life then I do encourage to arrange a few therapy sessions as it seems you are still misunderstood by the people around you which is a shame. If you and your partner have another disagreement, or you start feeling overwhelmed again it might be better to vent to someone in person

As a girl myself I hate the stereotype that men have to act tough even when they really feel like they can't. If one of my guy friends came up to me crying or told me they were going through similar to you I'd be their shoulder to cry on. At the end of the day we all have emotions, no matter what gender you are and you have every right to express them
 
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Survive Vin

Member
Joined
May 10, 2018
Messages
14
Update incase anyone cares...

We tried.....so hard...things I had done in the past began to play on her mind again, no I hadn't cheated but she thought so...I had messaged a girl when we had been arguing before...so I guess it is my fault...even though there was nothing going on except innocent chatting, I can see how that planted a seed in her head....god I wish I hadn't done that...I hate myself. Never has such a good woman been with such a waste of space as me...No job, No money, basically just love to offer...and even that wasn't always readily available. I knew this would happen deep down, everything I love, I destroy. Like a kid cuddling a dog till it suffocates....I have so much love to give...but I always seem to show it in the wrong way...

She's told me it's over before, but this time I know she means it... I don't blame her, she said she wouldn't let herself end up killing herself over me....Which when someone you love so much says that...you almost don't want to stop them going...I don't care about myself, all I ever wanted to do was make her happy and I've failed..

I'm not saying this for sympathy, infact I kinda want someone to call me an asshole. She was my life, my soul...and I couldn't keep her... I've lost my soul.... Since I imagine about 5 people will read this, I'll end this post as honestly as I can.

This monday when I get paid, I think I'm going to spend it all on the hardest drugs I can find, and take every single one of them at once. This'll be me from now on. Some junkie ass wasteman, who's given up on life.... ALL I ever wanted was to make her happy and I failed, if I can't even do that then what's the point in trying with anything anymore?.... I'm sorry, I'm not in my right head right now... I just don't know what to do anymore...I feel like my entire life is ruined... Who knows? Maybe it's for the best, but right now I'll be surprised if I make it to new year....

To my girlfriend, ughhhhhhhhh ex......If you ever read this, I loved you more than you'll ever know....I would have done anything to make us work.... I'm sorry you couldn't forgive me, I don't deserve happiness

Thanks for reading this far if anyone bothered.....ughhhh nothing but love- Vinny The Dinny
 
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