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My girlfriend has mental health problems and i cant cope.

maxitab

maxitab

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
10,376
Location
In Devon
Hey rednicky. This is sad....however, I am not surprised. Most people with a diagnosis of BPD find it incredibly hard to form close attachments without it de-stabilising them in some other way. It seems we can have a relationship if we and the other person can manage to cope with the fall out, OR we can have less fall out and a calmer life with less Sh and chaos, but not both......
Asking someone with BPD to act logically ( if you do this, this will be the result) won't in fact make a whole lot of difference as our basic needs for connections with others have been seriously messed up. Asking us to be logical about things and see that this sort of behaviour will have negative consequences will not stop us from engaging in the behaviour. We will engage in self-damage because though we understand the way this happens, we don't feel the same way anyone else would - we might in fact feel not much at all.
So giving an ultimatum you intend acting on will make not one bit of difference, it will only result in your having to carry out the ultimatum.
Finding out about what happens to adults who have not been nurtured or cared for in a way that meets their needs as young children or babies will give you more insight - but that won't alter your girl friend.
She needs a good therapist and some appropriate therapy and time to practise being an adult.
Can you afford to wait? Can you stand by her while she makes probably quite a few mistakes as she matures emotionally? These mistakes may be hurtful - not intentionally so on her part but when we are trying to 'practise' with another persons emotions engaged, it can get hurtful quite quickly for you.
In all honesty, if you stick with her you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride with no guarantees at the end of it - I am sorry to have to say that, but in my experience of talking with many people who have BPD this seems to be the truth.
I made the decision long ago not to try to form close adult relationships because they seemed to end up damaging the very person I was falling in love with......
It could be that in spite of your feelings for her you may have to alter the basis for the relationship.....after all, there are many ways of being close to another human being. I do hope you find a way of being able to express you love for her and have that returned, without it ending up harming you.......
 
Sammy1980

Sammy1980

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 17, 2011
Messages
221
Location
West Midlands
maxi u just said exactly what I wanted to say :)

Rednicky I have BPD and i'm so thankful I have my husband, but there have been times where I made his life really hard, not as bad as you have it, I feel for you I really do. It's difficult when you love someone, I think that sometimes people with BPD find others who can/do fuel their emotions. If you want to stay with her I would ask for help in how you can deal with her better and help her through tough times. It's not going to be easy so you need to think whether you can live like this for years before you might start seeing noticable results, your a young lad at uni with so much life ahead of you, you shouldn't have this much stress :(
 
mrlaurel

mrlaurel

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 15, 2011
Messages
6,378
Location
west mids
relationships are crap at the best of times, add in MH issues and they just get worse from the off, I can't stand living with myself so why would anyone else want to live with me?

I feel sorry for all my ex's (and there have been too many) and Hilda I have given her hell over the years, if I knew 20 years ago what I now know I would have never ever gotten involved with anyone...... no matter how much you love someone, if they are ill or have "issues" they will drain you and break you, only the very tough will survive.............

I wish you luck, but you are a person, her lover, not her "saviour" you have to put yourself first.

stan
 
Last edited:
R

rednicky

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2011
Messages
12
Location
edinburgh, scotland
how much do you know about bpd? get as much knowledge on it if you don't.

the thing with supporting someone is looking after yourself. how long has she been like this (this cycle), what would help you?

sorry with the load of questions but it helps with building a bigger picture.
I have researched it. Also did a project about it at uni. i study psychology- ironicly. We are just not entirely sure thats what she has. For years she was given different diagnosis- depression and Bi-polar were the main ones. Last year we demanded an actual diagnosis and they said BDP. The tablets she was taking for bi-polar werent really working but the mood stabalisers shes on now seem to be working better than anything else.
I think she is feeling a lot better about herself- not great obviously- but better.
Im not sure about support. dont know where to start and dont think, apart from this, that i really want it. the alcohol group she goes to has a service i can go to alone.
Thanks
 
R

rednicky

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2011
Messages
12
Location
edinburgh, scotland
Hey rednicky. This is sad....however, I am not surprised. Most people with a diagnosis of BPD find it incredibly hard to form close attachments without it de-stabilising them in some other way. It seems we can have a relationship if we and the other person can manage to cope with the fall out, OR we can have less fall out and a calmer life with less Sh and chaos, but not both......
Asking someone with BPD to act logically ( if you do this, this will be the result) won't in fact make a whole lot of difference as our basic needs for connections with others have been seriously messed up. Asking us to be logical about things and see that this sort of behaviour will have negative consequences will not stop us from engaging in the behaviour. We will engage in self-damage because though we understand the way this happens, we don't feel the same way anyone else would - we might in fact feel not much at all.
So giving an ultimatum you intend acting on will make not one bit of difference, it will only result in your having to carry out the ultimatum.
Finding out about what happens to adults who have not been nurtured or cared for in a way that meets their needs as young children or babies will give you more insight - but that won't alter your girl friend.
She needs a good therapist and some appropriate therapy and time to practise being an adult.
Can you afford to wait? Can you stand by her while she makes probably quite a few mistakes as she matures emotionally? These mistakes may be hurtful - not intentionally so on her part but when we are trying to 'practise' with another persons emotions engaged, it can get hurtful quite quickly for you.
In all honesty, if you stick with her you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride with no guarantees at the end of it - I am sorry to have to say that, but in my experience of talking with many people who have BPD this seems to be the truth.
I made the decision long ago not to try to form close adult relationships because they seemed to end up damaging the very person I was falling in love with......
It could be that in spite of your feelings for her you may have to alter the basis for the relationship.....after all, there are many ways of being close to another human being. I do hope you find a way of being able to express you love for her and have that returned, without it ending up harming you.......
Thanks for your response. makes perfect sense to me and i appreciate it. I think one of the main problems is that she is from London, came to edinburgh to go to uni. she is staying here with me until i finish. she misses her family and feels a bit useless up here. doesnt have a lot of friends either.
Its just really hard being with someone who is so talented but doesnt like or appreciate herself. I think mostly because I just dont understand it.
Thanx
 
R

rednicky

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2011
Messages
12
Location
edinburgh, scotland
maxi u just said exactly what I wanted to say :)

Rednicky I have BPD and i'm so thankful I have my husband, but there have been times where I made his life really hard, not as bad as you have it, I feel for you I really do. It's difficult when you love someone, I think that sometimes people with BPD find others who can/do fuel their emotions. If you want to stay with her I would ask for help in how you can deal with her better and help her through tough times. It's not going to be easy so you need to think whether you can live like this for years before you might start seeing noticable results, your a young lad at uni with so much life ahead of you, you shouldn't have this much stress :(
Cheers Sammy. (im a girl by the way :)

I really dont need the stress. and as soon as we do see results it doesnt last for very long. its difficult to know hows she feeling because she often bottles things up. ive told her not to and to talk to me whenever, about whatever she wants. but she feels like she is depressing me if she talks about how sad she is. i just wish she would be honest so i can help. This is why it often kicks off- espically when drink is involved- which is a problem in its own right.
Thanx
 
R

rednicky

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2011
Messages
12
Location
edinburgh, scotland
relationships are crap at the best of times, add in MH issues and they just get worse from the off, I can't stand living with myself so why would anyone else want to live with me?

I feel sorry for all my ex's (and there have been too many) and Hilda I have given her hell over the years, if I knew 20 years ago what I now know I would have never ever gotten involved with anyone...... no matter how much you love someone, if they are ill or have "issues" they will drain you and break you, only the very tough will survive.............

I wish you luck, but you are a person, her lover, not her "saviour" you have to put yourself first.

stan
Thanx stan.
Yeh it hard to draw that line between me being her partner or being her support system. shes talked before about her failure to hold relationships and after these past few months i understand why! I just dont want to let her down because people let me down when i had depression and I know what its like.
 
mrlaurel

mrlaurel

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 15, 2011
Messages
6,378
Location
west mids
I just dont want to let her down because people let me down when i had depression and I know what its like.
the complex issues are for you to sort out, but think about this, the YOU in 20 years time, does she deserve to be made unhappy? life is crappy enough without us storing up trouble for ourselves, god knows I've done it, don't you do the same... its shit been mid 40's skint and fucked up. sorry to nag, but do yourself a favor, choose life.

Stan who is feeling, old fat and unwanted today :(
 
Sammy1980

Sammy1980

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 17, 2011
Messages
221
Location
West Midlands
Cheers Sammy. (im a girl by the way :)

I really dont need the stress. and as soon as we do see results it doesnt last for very long. its difficult to know hows she feeling because she often bottles things up. ive told her not to and to talk to me whenever, about whatever she wants. but she feels like she is depressing me if she talks about how sad she is. i just wish she would be honest so i can help. This is why it often kicks off- espically when drink is involved- which is a problem in its own right.
Thanx
well that teaches me to assume things doesn't it. My husband always quotes a saying from his sales background, never assume anything because u make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"! You would think I know better. Shame she misses London, Edinburgh is so beautiful, but your home is your home isn't it!? I studied A level psychology, I think I was searching for answers, still loking now! lol
Have you thought about going to Relate, it might help you talk through things a bit more, I wan't happy until my husband understood better but it took along time to all come out.
I hope it goes well for you xxx
 
M

myrtlemaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 18, 2010
Messages
52
I think the main thing Id want to say to you is that you should look into getting some help and support for you.. No one can be someones sole support and remain well unless they have some support themselves .

It sounds very much as if your GF isnt well enough at the moment to be able to decide she wants to get well.. Ive been there and its a dark place to be but when Im there IM not able to see how it effects other people even those who I love because all I can see is me and my sadness, I cant break out and sometimes its just too hard to even contemplate doing anything to change. Unfortunately its not just a case of trying harder because she probably just cant find the way to try harder.

She may never be able to change enough to be well enough to have a relationship that is satisfying for her and a partner she is with..thats sad but something you need to be aware of and talk over with someone who can support you as you think what that will mean

Do be honest with her , and when she is calm explain how the ways she behaves make you feel.. try to be non accusitory but say things like when you do X I feel Y because....Do tell her you are going to get some support for you because you are finding the situation difficult

But do look after you and get someone , may be thru your uni support services who can support you.. because you have to protect you and look after you if you arent to be made iller .
 
M

mathsman

New member
Joined
Jul 30, 2011
Messages
1
Hi rednicky, I've been somewhere similar except that my girlfriends problems didn't seem to be as bad as yours but also I didn't really tell anyone and there were not psychiatrists or counsellors involved.I I can relate to you not wanting to end it because you are worried about her. I was the same. What happened was that I finally became mentally ill myself because of it and then she left me. I had problems of my own as well but over ten years later I am
still struggling with what happened and wishing I'd left early on and still unable to say that I would have left. Does that make any sense?
 
T

tecnofobic

Guest
Am not being funny or nothing and is the girlfriend really the root of all the problems, it takes two to tango as the saying goes reading all the replies I think everybody needs to cut her some slack? And red you need to ask yourself why you are posting so much about her and not dealing with yourself.....

Tecno
 
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