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my girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand

ninarose

ninarose

Active member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
27
Location
North Carolina
hey guys i just wanted to vent and maybe ask for some advise. so i’ve been diagnosed as clinically depressed for about a year now and i started dating my girlfriend (she’s diagnosed with bpd and for the most part takes really good care of herself and has her symptoms under control) five months ago. the relationship so far has been really great but lately something has been happening that makes me really upset and everything i try to do to fix it doesn’t seem to work. when i found out that she had bpd i read up on it as much as i could, i’ve watched countless videos about it, i ask her so many questions, i give her reassurance all the time, and i try to be as patient and understanding as possible. she doesn’t really seem to do that for me. i know she loves me but lately whenever i get sad or i feel lonely or i get quiet because i feel stuck in this sadness she accuses me of being mad at her. i tell her i’m not and that i’m sad and i usually have a reason why (her friends just got back from college and we haven’t been spending hardly any time together which i’ve tried to be understanding about or sometimes she says things that hurt my feelings because i’m sensitive). she keeps insisting that she feels like i’m mad at her whenever i get stuck in these deep overwhelming feelings of blue and it really sucks because i really just want her to comfort me and be kind and soft and affectionate to me in those moments and it doesn’t feel like she is. i don’t know why and it makes me feel like she doesn’t care which makes me even more upset and then i end up crying because i convince myself she doesn’t care. she just gets really defensive even when i try to explain things or get her to understand and i just don’t know what i should say or do to make the situation better. this isn’t a common thing but i’m stuck in a bad depressive episode right now and this has been happening lately so i just really really really need some advice and maybe even some encouragement. it isn’t something i would want to break up with her over so please don’t suggest that.
 
Confusedandanxious

Confusedandanxious

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Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
486
Location
Uk
Have you told her that during these times you could do with support rather than accusations and arguments?

If she has bpd, then I'd imagine she has faced depression herself so must understand what you're saying when you say it. On the other hand, seeing you down could trigger her bpd and make her believe you're angry at her and are about to leave. The abandonment issues that come with bpd.

The only thing I can suggest is having a good chat with her. Reassure her that you're fine with her and she has done nothing to upset you, its depression at play and you could really use some comforting and support. If you were angry at her you wouldn't want her support and comfort.
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

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Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
It's tricky buddy, are you both on meds? you both need an extra level of understanding, relationships are difficult at the best of times
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
157
Location
Slipperyslope
I agree with you and think your feelings seem reasonable in this. But if she for some reason cannot connect the dots or don't care enough to give you the consideration you need, despite you telling her how you feel, there is only one solution. Accept that you at the end of the day really are alone, you gotta pick up yourself and rely only on yourself for your emotional well being. Its easier said then done but it is possible. Try grow a more I fight against the whole world mind and I am gonna beat it and I am gonna feel good doing it. Cry if you must, let it out, but put it on a timer, when time is out you stop crying and just gotta work it out, grind it out. Sit down and really think through what you gotta do to improve your situation. Chances are your girl can support you some but not all the way, she might have troubles of her own and its hard supporting someone in the way you need when that is the case. If you "man up" and can develop more of your I'm gonna punch this life in the face and own it mentality maybe she can be there for you a few times when you really need the support. Take charge and lead the way, maybe that is something your girl needs to see more in you.

When I faced similar issues in a relationship after trying lots of things, I started taking away my own support and disregard my partners feelings when I felt she did it to me (prior I tried putting even more effort into being considerate with her but it seemed to have reverse effect, she just took more and gave less). Its a high risk gamble though, one of my relationships crashed cause of this approach, but it was for the best in the end, another relationship actually got better after I did this and girl realized what she was getting once it was removed and was more willing to come to the table to negotiate. If this will work or not really comes down to in the end of much your partner really cares about the relationship and how far they are willing to go to make it good.

Also I am going to say it. It might be that this relationship isn't right for you. But you might not be ready to accept that or one could say the time isn't right for it to end.

I do think you deserve a partner who can hold you tight and make you feel safe and loved completely just the way you are. I hope that you can find that whether with this girl or someone else. If you don't find it, you just gotta battle through it until you find it.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
Clearly you don't understand each other. Perhaps involving a relationship counsellor (assuming both of you agree), deadlocks and obstacles can be overcome :hug:
 
ninarose

ninarose

Active member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
27
Location
North Carolina
Have you told her that during these times you could do with support rather than accusations and arguments?

If she has bpd, then I'd imagine she has faced depression herself so must understand what you're saying when you say it. On the other hand, seeing you down could trigger her bpd and make her believe you're angry at her and are about to leave. The abandonment issues that come with bpd.

The only thing I can suggest is having a good chat with her. Reassure her that you're fine with her and she has done nothing to upset you, its depression at play and you could really use some comforting and support. If you were angry at her you wouldn't want her support and comfort.
thank you for your advice, i didn’t see it that way and i will definitely try that next time ♥ wishing you well
 
ninarose

ninarose

Active member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
27
Location
North Carolina
i
I agree with you and think your feelings seem reasonable in this. But if she for some reason cannot connect the dots or don't care enough to give you the consideration you need, despite you telling her how you feel, there is only one solution. Accept that you at the end of the day really are alone, you gotta pick up yourself and rely only on yourself for your emotional well being. Its easier said then done but it is possible. Try grow a more I fight against the whole world mind and I am gonna beat it and I am gonna feel good doing it. Cry if you must, let it out, but put it on a timer, when time is out you stop crying and just gotta work it out, grind it out. Sit down and really think through what you gotta do to improve your situation. Chances are your girl can support you some but not all the way, she might have troubles of her own and its hard supporting someone in the way you need when that is the case. If you "man up" and can develop more of your I'm gonna punch this life in the face and own it mentality maybe she can be there for you a few times when you really need the support. Take charge and lead the way, maybe that is something your girl needs to see more in you.

When I faced similar issues in a relationship after trying lots of things, I started taking away my own support and disregard my partners feelings when I felt she did it to me (prior I tried putting even more effort into being considerate with her but it seemed to have reverse effect, she just took more and gave less). Its a high risk gamble though, one of my relationships crashed cause of this approach, but it was for the best in the end, another relationship actually got better after I did this and girl realized what she was getting once it was removed and was more willing to come to the table to negotiate. If this will work or not really comes down to in the end of much your partner really cares about the relationship and how far they are willing to go to make it good.

Also I am going to say it. It might be that this relationship isn't right for you. But you might not be ready to accept that or one could say the time isn't right for it to end.

I do think you deserve a partner who can hold you tight and make you feel safe and loved completely just the way you are. I hope that you can find that whether with this girl or someone else. If you don't find it, you just gotta battle through it until you find it.
thank you so much for all of your amazing advice and kind words i think i do rely on her too much at times and i definitely need to be my own emotional support too and less of a pathetic attitude when confronting my sadness. i really love her so i want to try to give us a chance and i know she cares about me. thank you again and i hope you are doing well
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,384
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
It does sound like it's her abandonment issues flaring up when your depression flares up, I got BPD myself and its not a easy thing to live with but to be fair neither is depression :hug:
 
ninarose

ninarose

Active member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
27
Location
North Carolina
It's tricky buddy, are you both on meds? you both need an extra level of understanding, relationships are difficult at the best of times
we both are, she doesn’t take hers sometimes which i nag her about. i think we are unbalanced in how much effort we put forth in understanding eachother but i don’t think that makes her bad, i think it means that i need to be more self reliant.
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
157
Location
Slipperyslope
I'm glad you found my lengthy post to be of value.

I really think we all deserve lots of support and understanding, its what a lot of people need to flourish. The world just doesn't work like that most times, sadly, so we gotta be our own knights and come to our own rescue and just fight it out if no other help is there.

It could mean that she is somewhat bad but it could also mean she just has a lot of things to handle herself. Its very hard to offer good support if you aren't balanced yourself.
 
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