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My GF left me due to her depression

M

Master56781

New member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Plymouth
So I am writing this today to seek some advice or even really just to talk about it. A year ago I met an amazing woman and the spark was instant, we then spent the next couple weeks together and inevitably ended up as a couple. However I knew come the end of the month, I was moving onto a yacht and would be at sea on and off over the next year. She was actually moving to Korea at a similar time for a long duration, so it worked perfectly and gave the distance relationship a go. One thing we had discussed before all of this was her mental health, unfortunately she was groomed, abused and raped for 4 years from the age of 12 to 16 by a man in his 40’s. He was a very aggressive guy too and used to hit her, the actual sexual assault was “his way of showing his love”. He also mentally controlled her and used to tell her how ugly she was and she was lucky to have him. But being manipulated and controlled, she thought she loved him and this continued.

All of this has given her massive levels of depression, a bad relationship with men/being in a relationship and also massive guilt in the bedroom department. She also suffers very badly with anxiety and her own body image, she hates the way she looks and often will have days where she won’t go outside. So that is the background to it.

Everything was going perfectly, we were all loved up, making playlists for each other and just generally loving each other. I am a very caring boyfriend and would shower her with gifts, literally worship the ground she walked on and she was incredibly happy being with me. I did everything I could to support her. I man in the period of being away, there were odd times where we wouldn’t talk for 3 or 4 days because she was having a bad period but I knew what was going on and would just give her space but let her know I was still there.

Our first gap apart was 2 months, I then go pneumonia and she actually flew 2 days from Korea to surprise me and look after me. On her departure she told me she was madly in love with me. We both went back to our jobs and being apart. She hit a bad period and actually made friends with a therapist so began having therapy, a lot came out of it and she really improved in her mood and the bad periods seemed to get shorter and less frequent. With her therapist, she basically planned our whole lives together, a future business for us both and how many kids we were going to have etc, she spoke all about the future and how she couldn’t wait for me to get out of yachting so we could live together. My plan was to be out by October this year and we could sort a place out.

Unfortunately due to a bad time away I ended up doing a 4 and a half month stint away but she was still happy, she just wanted to see me and be with me. In the final month of that time she moved back to the UK. Well this brings us up to where we are now. I arrived back home for a months leave, in that month we went and spent a weekend away camping with my whole family, there was so much love and she settled right in. We then flew abroad for a week and had the best time ever, she was telling me just how lucky she was being with me and how happy I have made her. “the kindest most loving and generous person in her life.”

When we arrived back, she spent a couple days with me and my family at ours, she was one of us and we were super happy to have her. She just couldn’t stop telling me how much she loved me. We went our separate ways because she had a massive uni project (45,000 words and she only had 17 days to get it done.) I spoke to her every day all week but she was stressed, really stressed! She was working at an outdoor centre so only had evenings to do the project, but needed the job to pay for Uni. At the end of the week, we planned to go for a meal to say goodbye and an early birthday meal. I arrived with flowers and a few presents and a letter for her, I used to write her one every time I went away. The meal was really nice but she was super quiet, I pressed a bit and she said it was down to stress with Uni. After the meal we went for a walk and she took me to her favourite view point where she watches the sun set. Once there we were talking away and I pulled out a tiffany bracelet as a present to replace the first one I gave her, she treasured it but accidentally lost it overboard on a boat trip. Once I put it on her wrist, she just began to cry.

She fully broke down and started saying things like “she feels like shes drowning with all this uni work and she hasn’t even started her 4th year yet”, she also started speaking about how shes not well at all, shes struggling with her mental health and is in a very very bad place right now. She was fully crying and having a big breakdown like ive never seen her do before. She said shes sick and needs help, being in this relationship is giving her so many flashbacks to her past and that she thought she was well enough to be in it but she doesn’t think she is. She sat there and said “do I carry on struggling or let the best thing to ever happen to me walk away.” She ended the relationship and we both walked back crying, hugged each other goodbye as she balled her eyes out and she told me “oli, I love you so much.” She asked me to give her all the photos and things that I may want to get rid of because she treasures the memories and wants them. She also wanted that letter still, I said I had forgotten it and would post. I went home and rewrote the letter to talk about some of happiest memories and how much I can support her etc, but she doesn’t know I rewrote it.

She messaged me a lot when I got back, concerned about me and also that my family is going to hate her. She messaged me the next day saying things like “I am so lost and finding this so horrible.” Saying that she misses me etc. We went a day without talking, I began speaking to one of her friends, who I know very well, saying how upset I was. The following day she wasn’t too happy and rung me to ask why I had spoken to her. It was a weird call, she wasn’t too angry or upset just annoyed but what upset her the most was my response to her how are you, I said I’m struggling but had an ok day “she said I didn’t sound upset at all, she said I sounded fine” she was angry about that. The phone call finished with us both crying down the phone saying how much we missed each other and she said she felt stupid because “all she wants is to be with me, she doesn’t want to end it but has to because shes not being the loving and affectionate girlfriend she knows she could be because of her past and current level of stress/depression.” She sent me messages the next day and then I flew out to mexico. She messaged me on my birthday (day after I arrived), basically saying things like “I know things haven’t worked out how either of us would have liked.” “you are so so special and someone will be so so so lucky to have you. I am just sorry it can’t be right now.” We spoke a bit the day after, she said she was looking at therapists closer to her and wanted to show that she was serious about getting help and that she’s not losing me for nothing.” She told me to have a good time at my party and a good weekend etc, we went a day without speaking and then she saw my videos of being out drinking and instantly messaged me, saying how are you doing?

She has since messaged my mum and told her that she “feels like shes fighting a losing battle”, “her head is all over the place”, “she feels weak, terrible and guilty” and “that she hates how her past affects her current situations and happiness.” She also still hasn’t opened the letter I wrote, because she cant bring herself to do it. She can’t look through the photos of us, shes just in a very bad place.

So that’s where we’re at. She has her first therapy session on Monday. I am in such a rut because I want to be there to support her but shes speaking so much about how it is over. So if that’s the case I need to start moving on, but that means I will have to stop replying to her, which will make her feel worse in her depression. All she wants is me and doesn’t want to lose me but at the same time has ended it with me. This uni project is being handed in on June the 1st and then she will have nothing to worry about until September shes definitely worried about her fourth year. I am just struggling because I don’t want to lose her but its hard because she is still giving me so much contact, she is still in my family group chat by choice and doesn’t intend on leaving it any time soon. Surely if you break up with someone you cut all ties? I’m just really struggling because I still love her. I am just hoping this bad period will pass, her therapy starts Monday and at the end of the month all uni stress will be lifted. In the meantime, I have told her I am here to support her and only a message or call away, I am now giving her all the space she needs and letting her come to me. I am hoping the space will help with the healing of her mood. So we will have to see what happens but I am lost.

Thanks for reading this essay, I am just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar or can offer advice on what to do.
 
P

Perseida

Active member
Joined
Jun 11, 2018
Messages
39
Location
Europe.
In my opinion you have two options:

1. Waiting for her to get better with the help of therapy while also giving her constant support and signalizing that you still have feelings for her or:

2. Breaking things off with her completely in order to let you both get over the relationship and heal.

I've never been in a similar situation, so I can't give you a better insight or a concrete plan of action but maybe my thoughts will help you get more clarity.
 
B

Bertie95

Member
Joined
May 18, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Wales
So I am writing this today to seek some advice or even really just to talk about it. A year ago I met an amazing woman and the spark was instant, we then spent the next couple weeks together and inevitably ended up as a couple. However I knew come the end of the month, I was moving onto a yacht and would be at sea on and off over the next year. She was actually moving to Korea at a similar time for a long duration, so it worked perfectly and gave the distance relationship a go. One thing we had discussed before all of this was her mental health, unfortunately she was groomed, abused and raped for 4 years from the age of 12 to 16 by a man in his 40’s. He was a very aggressive guy too and used to hit her, the actual sexual assault was “his way of showing his love”. He also mentally controlled her and used to tell her how ugly she was and she was lucky to have him. But being manipulated and controlled, she thought she loved him and this continued.

All of this has given her massive levels of depression, a bad relationship with men/being in a relationship and also massive guilt in the bedroom department. She also suffers very badly with anxiety and her own body image, she hates the way she looks and often will have days where she won’t go outside. So that is the background to it.

Everything was going perfectly, we were all loved up, making playlists for each other and just generally loving each other. I am a very caring boyfriend and would shower her with gifts, literally worship the ground she walked on and she was incredibly happy being with me. I did everything I could to support her. I man in the period of being away, there were odd times where we wouldn’t talk for 3 or 4 days because she was having a bad period but I knew what was going on and would just give her space but let her know I was still there.

Our first gap apart was 2 months, I then go pneumonia and she actually flew 2 days from Korea to surprise me and look after me. On her departure she told me she was madly in love with me. We both went back to our jobs and being apart. She hit a bad period and actually made friends with a therapist so began having therapy, a lot came out of it and she really improved in her mood and the bad periods seemed to get shorter and less frequent. With her therapist, she basically planned our whole lives together, a future business for us both and how many kids we were going to have etc, she spoke all about the future and how she couldn’t wait for me to get out of yachting so we could live together. My plan was to be out by October this year and we could sort a place out.

Unfortunately due to a bad time away I ended up doing a 4 and a half month stint away but she was still happy, she just wanted to see me and be with me. In the final month of that time she moved back to the UK. Well this brings us up to where we are now. I arrived back home for a months leave, in that month we went and spent a weekend away camping with my whole family, there was so much love and she settled right in. We then flew abroad for a week and had the best time ever, she was telling me just how lucky she was being with me and how happy I have made her. “the kindest most loving and generous person in her life.”

When we arrived back, she spent a couple days with me and my family at ours, she was one of us and we were super happy to have her. She just couldn’t stop telling me how much she loved me. We went our separate ways because she had a massive uni project (45,000 words and she only had 17 days to get it done.) I spoke to her every day all week but she was stressed, really stressed! She was working at an outdoor centre so only had evenings to do the project, but needed the job to pay for Uni. At the end of the week, we planned to go for a meal to say goodbye and an early birthday meal. I arrived with flowers and a few presents and a letter for her, I used to write her one every time I went away. The meal was really nice but she was super quiet, I pressed a bit and she said it was down to stress with Uni. After the meal we went for a walk and she took me to her favourite view point where she watches the sun set. Once there we were talking away and I pulled out a tiffany bracelet as a present to replace the first one I gave her, she treasured it but accidentally lost it overboard on a boat trip. Once I put it on her wrist, she just began to cry.

She fully broke down and started saying things like “she feels like shes drowning with all this uni work and she hasn’t even started her 4th year yet”, she also started speaking about how shes not well at all, shes struggling with her mental health and is in a very very bad place right now. She was fully crying and having a big breakdown like ive never seen her do before. She said shes sick and needs help, being in this relationship is giving her so many flashbacks to her past and that she thought she was well enough to be in it but she doesn’t think she is. She sat there and said “do I carry on struggling or let the best thing to ever happen to me walk away.” She ended the relationship and we both walked back crying, hugged each other goodbye as she balled her eyes out and she told me “oli, I love you so much.” She asked me to give her all the photos and things that I may want to get rid of because she treasures the memories and wants them. She also wanted that letter still, I said I had forgotten it and would post. I went home and rewrote the letter to talk about some of happiest memories and how much I can support her etc, but she doesn’t know I rewrote it.

She messaged me a lot when I got back, concerned about me and also that my family is going to hate her. She messaged me the next day saying things like “I am so lost and finding this so horrible.” Saying that she misses me etc. We went a day without talking, I began speaking to one of her friends, who I know very well, saying how upset I was. The following day she wasn’t too happy and rung me to ask why I had spoken to her. It was a weird call, she wasn’t too angry or upset just annoyed but what upset her the most was my response to her how are you, I said I’m struggling but had an ok day “she said I didn’t sound upset at all, she said I sounded fine” she was angry about that. The phone call finished with us both crying down the phone saying how much we missed each other and she said she felt stupid because “all she wants is to be with me, she doesn’t want to end it but has to because shes not being the loving and affectionate girlfriend she knows she could be because of her past and current level of stress/depression.” She sent me messages the next day and then I flew out to mexico. She messaged me on my birthday (day after I arrived), basically saying things like “I know things haven’t worked out how either of us would have liked.” “you are so so special and someone will be so so so lucky to have you. I am just sorry it can’t be right now.” We spoke a bit the day after, she said she was looking at therapists closer to her and wanted to show that she was serious about getting help and that she’s not losing me for nothing.” She told me to have a good time at my party and a good weekend etc, we went a day without speaking and then she saw my videos of being out drinking and instantly messaged me, saying how are you doing?

She has since messaged my mum and told her that she “feels like shes fighting a losing battle”, “her head is all over the place”, “she feels weak, terrible and guilty” and “that she hates how her past affects her current situations and happiness.” She also still hasn’t opened the letter I wrote, because she cant bring herself to do it. She can’t look through the photos of us, shes just in a very bad place.

So that’s where we’re at. She has her first therapy session on Monday. I am in such a rut because I want to be there to support her but shes speaking so much about how it is over. So if that’s the case I need to start moving on, but that means I will have to stop replying to her, which will make her feel worse in her depression. All she wants is me and doesn’t want to lose me but at the same time has ended it with me. This uni project is being handed in on June the 1st and then she will have nothing to worry about until September shes definitely worried about her fourth year. I am just struggling because I don’t want to lose her but its hard because she is still giving me so much contact, she is still in my family group chat by choice and doesn’t intend on leaving it any time soon. Surely if you break up with someone you cut all ties? I’m just really struggling because I still love her. I am just hoping this bad period will pass, her therapy starts Monday and at the end of the month all uni stress will be lifted. In the meantime, I have told her I am here to support her and only a message or call away, I am now giving her all the space she needs and letting her come to me. I am hoping the space will help with the healing of her mood. So we will have to see what happens but I am lost.

Thanks for reading this essay, I am just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar or can offer advice on what to do.
Relationships ar the best lf times is very hard, to have understanding for one another to know what is going on it each others minds is something that is a one on one connection.
Now I've been through a similar break up a suffer seriously with mental health and have problems with how I see myself and my self worth. Me and my ling term boyfriend broke up due to me feeling like I could not be what he wanted me to be, having an emotional break down I decide to end it. He still wanted to be friends and after weeks of being apart he kept saying it was a break which clearly it was not in my eyes anyway.
We broke up properly and he joined a dating website met one or two girls and told me all about it. I was honestly happy for him and at points I knew he was trying to make me jealous which this had no effect on me.
I was working on myself for months changing me diet, hairstyle the way I thought about myself.
One day out of the blue he phoned me and said he would not stop contacting me until I listened to me we talked I cried and he told me there was nothing about me he would change I rebelled and said no I was done but he knew everything to say at that moment and I knew he was right for me. 3 years on were still in this together and I'm honestly happy to say I'm glad he did not leave me alone.

Just a little snippet from someone how went through something similar. My advice is not to stop living your life if she needs space give it to her find new friends have new hobbies understand who you are and what you want out of life and maybe once you have figured that out she will be ready?
 
M

Master56781

New member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Plymouth
Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply! I completely agree, I think I’m going to give her space and time to heal and begin her therapy, if she comes to me then I’ll be there. Eventually if nothing has come from it then I’ll begin the process of moving on. But in the meantime, I’m going to live my life and do what I need to do! Focus on myself. She can make all the contact, if she wants to speak to me then I’m there but for now I won’t be messaging her. I know she misses it as she’s already messaging me a lot and the fact she still hasn’t left my family chat!

It’s really good to hear someone else’s experiences and they seem very relatable! When she left her ex, she told me that it wasn’t until 6 months later that her depression let her actually get upset about it. He was a bit of a dick to her about it all come the end though!

Just got to do me for a bit and see what happens! Luckily she’s very close with my mum so I think meeting her eventually will be a bit easier with her wanting to do family things with us!

Thanks again
 
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