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My friendships are falling apart and I feel like it’s my fault.

L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
286
Location
United Kingdom
So I posted just the other day about my friend who I’ve realised isn’t such a great friend. In fact I’ve realised that a lot of my friends don’t seem to really care. This all started when an ex of mine came back into my life and has inserted himself into my friend group and they all prefer him over me. They’ve completely taken his side even though he’s a proven liar and nobody seems to have the time of day for me anymore. Even my best friend, who has had a massive go at me for apparently needing to know every detail of her life when all I did was ask what she’d been up to at the weekend, and is now ignoring me for no apparent reason. I just feel like I’ve surrounded myself with people I can no longer be friends with because they make me feel so awful, but if I didn’t have them I would literally have nobody and the thought of that terrifies me. They put me in dangerous situations, they purposely trigger my mental health issues and they only seem to want to know me when it’s convenient for them. My heart is really breaking right now and I feel like I’m self-sabotaging, because I’ve been hurt so many times in the past and now it just feels like round 100 of the same cycle. Every week there seems to be a new drama and I’m honestly so beyond tired of it all. They’re really not good for me but I’m so scared of being alone and I just don’t know what to do going forward 😩
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
817
LostGirl sad to hear your emotional pain. from what you say it might be time to take a step back from your social life and everything that is happening in the lives of the people around you. Sometimes the best thing we can do is take a break and get settled in ourselves again. Also, the break can give people around us time to move on from how they currently view and feel about us.

In your situation, this might help break what sounds to be a destructive cycle that seems to have almost developed a life of its own.

You can then go back feeling refreshed and renew the friendships you value, hopefully leaving old negative feelings and agendas behind. For now, why not just tell your friends that you are not feeling well at the moment (which is true) and that you will meet up again when you are feeling better. You can then choose who you want to meet up with and where and when - based on what/who you feel you can cope with and want to spend time with.
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
286
Location
United Kingdom
LostGirl sad to hear your emotional pain. from what you say it might be time to take a step back from your social life and everything that is happening in the lives of the people around you. Sometimes the best thing we can do is take a break and get settled in ourselves again. Also, the break can give people around us time to move on from how they currently view and feel about us.

In your situation, this might help break what sounds to be a destructive cycle that seems to have almost developed a life of its own.

You can then go back feeling refreshed and renew the friendships you value, hopefully leaving old negative feelings and agendas behind. For now, why not just tell your friends that you are not feeling well at the moment (which is true) and that you will meet up again when you are feeling better. You can then choose who you want to meet up with and where and when - based on what/who you feel you can cope with and want to spend time with.

Thank you so much, I do think I need to take a step back from everything because I feel like holding on is just making things so much worse. I never used to be like this which is so frustrating; I used to never care whether I had friends or not and now I’m desperate for it to the point where I let people walk all over me. I can’t even talk to my own parents at the moment because my brothers going through a breakup and is constantly taking up their time so I can’t even get a five minute interval at the moment. I feel like I’m trying to be strong but in all honestly I need help too and my really bad thoughts are coming back and I can’t get to sleep and it’s just constant panic and constant tears. I just feel like no one will ever really love me and that I’m only ever an afterthought.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
13,362
Location
England
I know how that feels
those people in my life, I let them go
I hear from them sometimes but I let them contact me
no more chasing
no being used
I have become closer to other people now
I'm feeling more peaceful and less bitter

stepping back is good advice
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
817
Sometimes we have to accept that we are hurting so much that trying to look after ourselves is more important than trying to be strong. Tears are a healthy emotional release, even if it does not feel that way at the time.

Panic is not good and will stop you sleeping. Sometimes it is important to ask is it necessary to panic. Whatever is happening it does not sound as if your life or survival is at risk or that you are in great danger. You should challenge your sense of panic by reminding yourself of these things. You should also remind yourself of what you can do if you feel your life or survival is at risk or that you are in great danger. Sometimes we have to get things back in perspective and that can take a bit of repetitive work.

Although at the moment you feel like an afterthought and unloved, but it is probably not true. Parents often get taken up by what seems to be the most critical situation. If you cannot get time to talk with your parents, perhaps writing a note or letter to them about yourself and what you are going through will alert them to your needs and give them an opportunity to decide how respond.

From everything you have said and the way in which you have said it, I am sure that you are a lovely person who will be really loved. Perhaps, a starting point is learning to love the person you are.
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
286
Location
United Kingdom
I know how that feels
those people in my life, I let them go
I hear from them sometimes but I let them contact me
no more chasing
no being used
I have become closer to other people now
I'm feeling more peaceful and less bitter

stepping back is good advice

Thank you, and yeah I agree. I just feel like these friends are bad for me and make me feel worse about myself, so stepping back is probably the way forward. I just get so frustrated because they know about my mental health issues and sometimes it almost feels like they’re practically trying to trigger me. Maybe I’m wrong but it’s how it feels.
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
286
Location
United Kingdom
Sometimes we have to accept that we are hurting so much that trying to look after ourselves is more important than trying to be strong. Tears are a healthy emotional release, even if it does not feel that way at the time.

Panic is not good and will stop you sleeping. Sometimes it is important to ask is it necessary to panic. Whatever is happening it does not sound as if your life or survival is at risk or that you are in great danger. You should challenge your sense of panic by reminding yourself of these things. You should also remind yourself of what you can do if you feel your life or survival is at risk or that you are in great danger. Sometimes we have to get things back in perspective and that can take a bit of repetitive work.

Although at the moment you feel like an afterthought and unloved, but it is probably not true. Parents often get taken up by what seems to be the most critical situation. If you cannot get time to talk with your parents, perhaps writing a note or letter to them about yourself and what you are going through will alert them to your needs and give them an opportunity to decide how respond.

From everything you have said and the way in which you have said it, I am sure that you are a lovely person who will be really loved. Perhaps, a starting point is learning to love the person you are.

Yeah I did manage to stop the panic eventually, and while I still feel on edge about the whole thing I think that sleep was definitely needed. And thank you so much, I’m sure there are people who care I think it’s just hard to see sometimes. I think I’ve been in need of a good cry for a while, it’s been building up for several weeks and I think I needed to let it all out eventually. I just get so annoyed because I feel like none of this would be happening if my ex wasn’t in the picture, but he’s not going away and I hate it so much. I finally took it upon myself to block him once again because honestly I find it nearly impossible to be friends with him, so I guess that’s a step.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
817
It is a very big step. I hope everything else starts to move forward for you soon.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
9,156
Location
Nashua NH
LostGirl sad to hear your emotional pain. from what you say it might be time to take a step back from your social life and everything that is happening in the lives of the people around you. Sometimes the best thing we can do is take a break and get settled in ourselves again. Also, the break can give people around us time to move on from how they currently view and feel about us.

In your situation, this might help break what sounds to be a destructive cycle that seems to have almost developed a life of its own.

You can then go back feeling refreshed and renew the friendships you value, hopefully leaving old negative feelings and agendas behind. For now, why not just tell your friends that you are not feeling well at the moment (which is true) and that you will meet up again when you are feeling better. You can then choose who you want to meet up with and where and when - based on what/who you feel you can cope with and want to spend time with.

Great advice!
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
13,362
Location
England
Thank you, and yeah I agree. I just feel like these friends are bad for me and make me feel worse about myself, so stepping back is probably the way forward. I just get so frustrated because they know about my mental health issues and sometimes it almost feels like they’re practically trying to trigger me. Maybe I’m wrong but it’s how it feels.
I doubt it is on purpose, that would be very twisted if they were.

I have to remind myself that people are focused on their own lives and problems, not mine. I have to not expect help or people remembering things. If someone repeatedly causes me stress then i have to step back from them, sometimes permanently. It doesn't mean i hate them but just that our personalities are not a good match, they are different to me and i cannot cope with how they are as well as my mental health problems. It is a more comfortable way to think about relationships isn't it. They have loads of problems of their own i am sure.

Look after yourself
focus on yourself
if you want to keep in touch with the odd birthday text that is fine, but they clearly cannot be relied upon as a friend, they maybe are just people you know.

The word friend is a special one. Aquaintances are people we know and i think calling someone a friend i reserve now for the ones who stand the test of time.
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
286
Location
United Kingdom
I doubt it is on purpose, that would be very twisted if they were.

I have to remind myself that people are focused on their own lives and problems, not mine. I have to not expect help or people remembering things. If someone repeatedly causes me stress then i have to step back from them, sometimes permanently. It doesn't mean i hate them but just that our personalities are not a good match, they are different to me and i cannot cope with how they are as well as my mental health problems. It is a more comfortable way to think about relationships isn't it. They have loads of problems of their own i am sure.

Look after yourself
focus on yourself
if you want to keep in touch with the odd birthday text that is fine, but they clearly cannot be relied upon as a friend, they maybe are just people you know.

The word friend is a special one. Aquaintances are people we know and i think calling someone a friend i reserve now for the ones who stand the test of time.

Yeah I’m sure that’s it, maybe they are just wrapped up in their own thing at the moment and I shouldn’t expect too much from them. I probably will keep my distance at least for a little while just to see if things improve or not. I think a lot of my own issues I.e. intrusive thoughts definitely don’t help, so hopefully working on it in therapy will do me a few favours.
 
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