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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My friend needs help.

M

Myfriend

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Joined
Jan 23, 2021
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3
Location
USA
My friend is 18 and wants to get pregnant. We just figured out she has BPD. It makes sense because she always didn't really act like me, someone who doesnt have BPD. She works a part time job at a store, doesnt even have a boyfriend and is constantly trying to talk to every boy she sees. I'm not shaming her for this as this most defiantly has something to do with her illness. She has a ED that constantly comes back and im scared for her. I don't think shes mentally stable to have a kid. She vapes and smokes weed while she's trying too. She said "having a baby will make me happy again". Sadly, I dont think this is true and I think she's trying to convince herself that it is true. I dont have BPD but I would really love some feedback on what I should do for her. I dont want her to abuse her children or end up on the wrong path. We're kids, we shouldnt be having kids ourselves. She loves partying and going out every night so I dont know why she would want that to change. It also doesn't help that her ex is encouraging her to have a baby with him bc they think they'll get back together when really, they're very toxic to each other. I hope I dont offend anyone here who has BPD since I dont know how it is to have that illness. I just want her to understand that this isnt okay.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,635
Location
Nashua NH
My friend is 18 and wants to get pregnant. We just figured out she has BPD. It makes sense because she always didn't really act like me, someone who doesnt have BPD. She works a part time job at a store, doesnt even have a boyfriend and is constantly trying to talk to every boy she sees. I'm not shaming her for this as this most defiantly has something to do with her illness. She has a ED that constantly comes back and im scared for her. I don't think shes mentally stable to have a kid. She vapes and smokes weed while she's trying too. She said "having a baby will make me happy again". Sadly, I dont think this is true and I think she's trying to convince herself that it is true. I dont have BPD but I would really love some feedback on what I should do for her. I dont want her to abuse her children or end up on the wrong path. We're kids, we shouldnt be having kids ourselves. She loves partying and going out every night so I dont know why she would want that to change. It also doesn't help that her ex is encouraging her to have a baby with him bc they think they'll get back together when really, they're very toxic to each other. I hope I dont offend anyone here who has BPD since I dont know how it is to have that illness. I just want her to understand that this isnt okay.
Hello Myfriend, wow your friend is so lucky to have a caring and thoughtful friend like you. Have you shared your concerns with your friends parents? There is nothing they can really do to prevent it from happening since she is an adult now and is supposed to be making these decisions for herself. Beyond that sadly I don’t know there is much more that you can do about it other than continue to share your concerns with her. She is her own person and is going to make decisions for herself no matter how poor those decisions might be. It’s good that she has you as a friend since it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and she could benefit from spending time with a thoughtful person who has sound judgement. xo, j
 
C

celticlass

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Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,217
Location
Scotland
Well she ought not to be going to an 18 year olds parents!🤷‍♀️ no that's not right. And what is this with we have just figured out she has BPD? Don't you think this is something for a suitably qualified doctor to decide! You are obviously much more mature than your friend but that does not make her BPD, not by a long shot.
 
L

Lostlady333

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
225
Location
Christchurch
My friend is 18 and wants to get pregnant. We just figured out she has BPD. It makes sense because she always didn't really act like me, someone who doesnt have BPD. She works a part time job at a store, doesnt even have a boyfriend and is constantly trying to talk to every boy she sees. I'm not shaming her for this as this most defiantly has something to do with her illness. She has a ED that constantly comes back and im scared for her. I don't think shes mentally stable to have a kid. She vapes and smokes weed while she's trying too. She said "having a baby will make me happy again". Sadly, I dont think this is true and I think she's trying to convince herself that it is true. I dont have BPD but I would really love some feedback on what I should do for her. I dont want her to abuse her children or end up on the wrong path. We're kids, we shouldnt be having kids ourselves. She loves partying and going out every night so I dont know why she would want that to change. It also doesn't help that her ex is encouraging her to have a baby with him bc they think they'll get back together when really, they're very toxic to each other. I hope I dont offend anyone here who has BPD since I dont know how it is to have that illness. I just want her to understand that this isnt okay.
I congratulate you for being such a great friend. We could all do with a friend like you. Especially when you are so young, and people with bpd can be hard work.
I too have bpd and I was like your friend at her age. We just want someone who will love us unconditionally that we can love back. I had my first baby at 21 and was in a stable relationship.
However, with your friend smoking and partying and not being in a stable relationship is not the right way to bring a precious baby into the world.
I hope for her sake she waits a few more years until her life may be a bit more stable. Maybe a cute pet for now would help her to understand how hard it is to look after herself and something else.
Keep on being an amazing friend xx
 
M

Myfriend

New member
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
Hello Myfriend, wow your friend is so lucky to have a caring and thoughtful friend like you. Have you shared your concerns with your friends parents? There is nothing they can really do to prevent it from happening since she is an adult now and is supposed to be making these decisions for herself. Beyond that sadly I don’t know there is much more that you can do about it other than continue to share your concerns with her. She is her own person and is going to make decisions for herself no matter how poor those decisions might be. It’s good that she has you as a friend since it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and she could benefit from spending time with a thoughtful person who has sound judgement. xo, j
Thank you. We are in high school still but Im scared to bring it up to her parents because I dont want her to be mad at me. Her parents have a lot of issues themselves and they never got help either so I think its just an endless cycle in that family. I tried to tell her that I dont think its right and she says i know. So she says she knows but still goes through with it? I just kinda dont get it. Thank you for responding
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,635
Location
Nashua NH
Thank you. We are in high school still but Im scared to bring it up to her parents because I dont want her to be mad at me. Her parents have a lot of issues themselves and they never got help either so I think its just an endless cycle in that family. I tried to tell her that I dont think its right and she says i know. So she says she knows but still goes through with it? I just kinda dont get it. Thank you for responding
I think you have dont the right thing and it’s all you can really do in this case. You can continue to be there for her regardless of what she decides. It sounds like you are a very good influence on her. It seems like she could use a stable friend. xo, j
 
M

Myfriend

New member
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
I congratulate you for being such a great friend. We could all do with a friend like you. Especially when you are so young, and people with bpd can be hard work.
I too have bpd and I was like your friend at her age. We just want someone who will love us unconditionally that we can love back. I had my first baby at 21 and was in a stable relationship.
However, with your friend smoking and partying and not being in a stable relationship is not the right way to bring a precious baby into the world.
I hope for her sake she waits a few more years until her life may be a bit more stable. Maybe a cute pet for now would help her to understand how hard it is to look after herself and something else.
Keep on being an amazing friend xx
Thank you. She’s always had an unstable life because of her parents at home. Shes very confused on who she is. Shes constantly changing her mind about everything and last night even told me she didnt want a baby anymore, she just wanted to die. So i talked to her and she was with her ex so I know at least he comforted her too. Is she changing her mind a lot from the BPD? Ive been watching a lot of videos on BPD to try and understand it.
 
L

Lostlady333

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
225
Location
Christchurch
Thank you. She’s always had an unstable life because of her parents at home. Shes very confused on who she is. Shes constantly changing her mind about everything and last night even told me she didnt want a baby anymore, she just wanted to die. So i talked to her and she was with her ex so I know at least he comforted her too. Is she changing her mind a lot from the BPD? Ive been watching a lot of videos on BPD to try and understand it.
Thank you. She’s always had an unstable life because of her parents at home. Shes very confused on who she is. Shes constantly changing her mind about everything and last night even told me she didnt want a baby anymore, she just wanted to die. So i talked to her and she was with her ex so I know at least he comforted her too. Is she changing her mind a lot from the BPD? Ive been watching a lot of videos on BPD to try and understand it.
With bpd, emotions run very high as well as thought patterns. Also known as black and white thinking. Everything is either really good or really bad, nothing in between. And sadly suicidal thoughts are part of it too. And with her drinking and smoking, her thoughts will be more extreme. It sounds like it’s very much heredity for her too.
is there anyway you could go to your school counselor and have a chat, because she definitely needs professional help and medication. Bpd is too hard to navigate on your own.
You are being a great friend, especially reading information on what she is going through. Just remember to look after yourself too. It is a lot to take on. Hugs.
 
L

lemontree

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Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Home
I also want a baby and have BPD, though I'm in my late 20's mind you. I think it's best to try to deter her for now - maybe try to reason with the babies wellbeing in mind it might get through to her. I'll write a list of points that I think are important:

  • 18 is too young to be stable enough to have a baby, and that even counts for people who are mentally healthy. You haven't lived enough life at that point to know the hardships of being an adult, and thus how can she expect to add the hardships of motherhood and possibly being single on top of that?
  • She needs to consider the real reason behind why she wants a baby, in this case it seems to be for her own happiness. I understand that the thought of having your own baby sounds so nice and lovely, I too feel that all the time, but she must accept that it's not a good enough reason. Having a child requires you to be selfless to a degree, if it makes her happy then that's good but she also must consider the types of sacrifices and compromises and missed opportunities there will have to be as a result of having a baby.
  • Sort of coming off the last two points, she needs to get some help for herself first to help her stabilize and feel better within herself. Having a baby is a sure way to really corner a person into getting their shit together as much as they can but that isn't good in the long run, sort yourself out first, enjoy your life after. If she is so eager to have a baby now, surely that will still be the same in a few years' time - so it's best for her to try and work on herself and then make that choice when she is more ready for the life changes it'll bring.
I think it's no problem to want a baby, but I think she is being quite impulsive right now. Any major life choice like this should be well planned and thought out, as much as possible anyway. It's sweet that you care so much to ask for help, she is lucky to have such a kind friend :) But I think if you can do anything to deter her for now it would be for the best, it sounds like she is having a hard enough time without extra stress piled on top.
 
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