My friend has BP II, my experience.

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Tehforte

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Joined
May 5, 2019
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1
Location
Arkansas
I thought I'd share my experience with the disorder. I met this girl at the end of last year, online. Despite her living in another state, we quickly became friends, staying up late talking on the phone, watching movies, sharing music, sharing life stories and ideas, getting to know each other. She's a little bit of a reserved girl, but strong willed, smart, understanding, and honest (even about things I wouldn't necessarily want to know, but she didn't want to hide). She disclosed early on to me that she had once been diagnosed with "manic depression" and PTSD. She called it her demon. I knew what it was, but had never experienced it first hand. (She's unmedicated by the way). I'm a very understanding and accepting person, so I didn't ask many questions, just what she was willing to freely tell me about it. I noticed the signs that she was developing strong feelings for me early on, but I was hesitant about the idea, because of the distance, so I focused on being a good friend, even though I was developing feelings for her.

At one point, before Christmas, she made a road trip to visit family, which meant she would have to pass through my city. She stopped and met me on her way through, it was brief, but we definitely had a connection. We planned to meet again on her way back through the next week. We did a mini date, (the details of it are pretty hilarious). At the end of it, I kissed her. It was definitely one of "those" moments. Before she left, she gave me this dream catcher she'd bought me, she had remembered I said I liked wolves and it reminded her of me. She continued to strongly pursue me for weeks, so I decided to make a trip to visit her. We ended up with about 4 days together, we connected a lot during that time. "Are you going to hurt me?" She asked at one point, which I said no. I was still hesitant, but she insisted it was worth it, and she would make it work, but that she wanted me to "be for sure". She made that comment a lot, which was a strange comment to make, I remember thinking, but I figured she had the normal new relationship doubts. I wanted it, so we began a long-distance relationship. I asked her once, what would mess our relationship up, and she said "If you hit me, if you cheat on me, or of you decide not to be in it anymore." I thought it was a strange way to phrase it.

Time passed, things continued to progress healthily. We ended up meet halfway and spent several days together. The first thing I noticed about her was her eyes, they were different, seemed bigger. I chopped it up to her make up. At one point she told me she felt "high". So,during this time the "love" word got dropped (she had been hinting at it for weeks). It was a pretty amazing and intense experience. But several times during that visit, she'd ask me "Are you sure?" Her doubts confused me. Before we left, she asked "To what extent?" Then apologized for seeming weird. I kept reassuring her, but then she asked me, "Are you ready to go through this with me?" Another strange comment, especially since she had pursued me so hard. But I was. Then next week, I could tell something was off with her. We had a phone call the day after we got back to our homes, for the most part it was good, but she seemed stressed. "I just know anything can happen, what if you can't help it and fall for someone there? What if you find someone there who is able to give you something when I can't?" I told her I'd make it work, and I wouldn't do that.

The rest of the week was good, but towards the end of the week she started going out drinking every night with some friends. At that point, she ended up dropping off for a week before getting back in touch with me, telling me we needed to talk. She was stressed during our next conversation, but for a different reason. She confessed that during one of the nights of her out drinking, she had made out with several people at the bar and slept with one of her friends (something completely out of character for her, even a friend of hers I communicate with attested to). She was freaking out about it, calling herself trash and told me I could hang up. I told her I wanted to work through it, to which she thought I was crazy. She bashed herself bad, told me I was "so good and deserved so much better than that." She said she felt like she was spiraling. I tried to handle myself well, given the situation, and I told her I wasn't going to bash her, because she clearly wanted me to. I wanted to save the relationship, I know people make mistakes and I thought she was worth it. I asked her if she wanted to be with me several time, all to which she replied yes, but said she didn't feel like she deserved that (she had been cheated on in a previous relationship). More was said during that conversation, but I tried to even her out.


The rest of the week was choppy, by this point I was getting stressed out. The next phone call was different. She was angry, almost like she couldn't control it. She broke things off then, saying "for now" because she "was going to be messed up for months" and she "wasn't going to drag me through that". I was pretty upset and she seemed almost apathetic, I would say. At the time I just assumed she had changed her mind about us. Or wanted to talk to other people. The next couple of conversations, she was still angry, and at times almost to tears. I was so confused, so I decided to make a trip to see her, for closure. When I got there, the first thing I noticed was all of my stuff I'd given her, the gold dipped rose was still by her bed, she still had all of our dates marked on her dry erase calendar " see Heather<3". My postcard and letter I wrote her hanging on her fridge. It just didn't look like something someone would keep in plain sight while going through a breakup. Then I noticed her, she was different. Standoffish, quiet, mad. Like she was trying to control herself. The first night there, I pulled her into my arms at one point and held her for a long time, she buried her head into my chest. It was a sweet moment. We ended up kissing. I told her i wasn't going anywhere even if we took a step back. I didn't try to get physical with her. Just slept that night.


The next day she was still standoffish, and I was confused again. I tried to hold her again, and being goofy, I smiled and said, "I know you dont want to, but come here" and pulled her to me. This set her off. She pushed past me and went outside to smoke. When she came back in she yelled at me about the comment. I didn't know what to do. I tried to hold her, only to get rejected. "I don't want to confuse you, because we are definitely not together while I go through this." The stress, confusion, (and a little alcohol) finally hit me and I cried a little. Which pissed her off even more. I took my necklace off and put it around her neck and tried to kiss her. She let me that time, and I said "I had to do that at least one more time". Which set her off again. "Why are you talking to me like it'll be the last time I see you? This is upsetting me." She pushed past again and went out to smoke. I sat on the couch dumbfounded. When she finally came back in I told her I was sorry, that I hadn't meant it like that. She told me to quit pushing her away. At that point, I realized there was nothing I could say, that every reaction from her was going to be bad. So I went to bed. I woke up a couple of hours later, to the feel of her spooning me, but fell back to sleep pretty quickly.

The next morning I left, she barely looked at me. She texted me while I was on the way telling me I made her feel like I wasn't coming back, that she was only trying to not be with me for right now. That her emotions were crazy right now and that she didn't expect me to understand, but that she was confused now when she wasn't before. She felt like sex was expected of her and that she had messed it up by not sleeping with me(something I found so weird, because I offered to sleep on the couch). I reassured her once again, stating that I would come back and I didn't care about sex. She didn't reply for several days. I finally wrote her and told her I'd give her space if she needed it, but that I wasn't dropping out on her. Her response was "I don't think you're going to drop out, I simply think to ask you to wait on me would be ridiculous of me." I was more than confused, but kept my cool and calm demeanor. I spent a lot of time after that mulling over everything, confused. I only texted her every few days to check in, and call once a week. Then one morning before getting up, I remember, "manic depression." It would explain her sleeping with her friend and making out with people at the bar for sure. I then began my research and narrowed it down in my head to Bipolar II (based on her behavior). The week after I got back home, she told me she had been working on her anger. The next week she was suicidal and mentioned getting medicated. I knew somehow I needed to talk to her about her condition, but I was trying to find the best way to bring it up.

I kept my distance, did a ton of research and talked to tons of people. The next conversation (which was two weeks after the suicidal one), our conversation was great. She was super upbeat, almost high, we laughed the whole phone call, she even said she broke up with me for a stupid reason and made hints about me coming to see her. I took an opportunity to talk to her about my aunt that is bipolar(true story) and she opened up, telling me she had been diagnosed with bipolar II several years back. I didn't push too much in that conversation, but I expressed that I was accepting of it and talking about it and that I didn't think she was crazy for it, just sick. She was still quiet in text during the weeks, but the next week, she called me (something she never did first in her normal, timid state). It was a good conversation, about 3 hours long. We talked more about her condition. She said "I just get a little depressed sometimes." I knew it was more than that. She was even quieter the next week, which leads up to last night. I'd noticed through snapchat that she was staying up super late, working long hours. Maybe hypomania? We talked for about an hour, in which she seemed ok, but not focused on the conversation unless she was talking. She was a little on the apathetic side of things, talking about coworkers crushing on her. She thanked me for calling her. I got off the phone, a bit defeated. I woke up like that this morning. Sad for me, sad for her. I'm still trying to figure out, if I want to give up. Or if I'm going to be that one, solid force and earn her trust and push her to get help. Her birthday is next week, and maybe I'm crazy, but I'm going to send her something friendly, funny, a burrito blanket. I'm a strong person myself and my emotions are actually ok. I've been talking to a friend of hers, who she hasn't spoken to in weeks. She barely texts me right now, but she did answer my call last night, and she was wearing the shirt I sent her in a snap last week. I think understanding has definitely given me some closure, but I'm trying to think of where to go from here. Should I tell her what I feel or keep being neutral and try to let her vent and come to me? This turned out a lot longer than in had intended, but the short version didn't do it justice.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Dec 26, 2015
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basketville
i do hope that someone else comes along to chat
 
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Calmlittlebuddha

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Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
12
Location
New York
Hello Tehforte, I read through your post and I'm sorry that you are going through this, I can see why you are confused. I am not familiar with bipolar disorder but I had a male friend with borderline personality disorder and I noticed that your friend has similar traits to my friend for example the idealization phase in the begining, a hot and cold personality and being sexually impulsive. You could look up borderline personality traits online and see if any of them sound like your friend, I wish I could help more but I hope you are feeling a little better.
 
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