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My friend can’t take a no

Oden

Oden

Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Sweden
I have a childhood friend which I have known since I was 7 years old, but she can’t accept a no or tell her I don’t have energy to be together.

She asks me nearly every day to be together and if I don’t say no and argument why and just go with it, I will literally be with her 24/7. Even when I tell her I’m tired and push myself to be with her, I sometimes end up falling alseep, I talk slow and really lethargic because I have no energy. She will get annoyed with me and will often sit with her phone texting people. I just tell her I’m tired, so what should she expect from me. I need to tell her no at least 5 to 6 times until she listen and back down but the next day it start all over again.

She tells me to stop being lazy, stop being a boring person but sometimes I feel like she’s just using me. After getting asked many times in a few days I just give up and accept being with her.

How can I make her understand, she never seem to see anything from my side and how I feel.
 
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bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
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Hello oden. It sounds like your friend is not listening to your needs. I think you need to be more firm with her and set boundaries. If you say no, it is unfair she will not accept your answer. It sounds like she wears you down and you just let her have her way. Friendship works both ways. She needs to be a good friend to you and listen to your needs too.
 
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LokiPokey75

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Apr 1, 2020
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262
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United States
Hi Oden!

Wow, that's a very uncomfortable situation! Do you know why she needs to be around you all the time? Have you ever asked her?

I agree with bpd2020. It's definitely good to set boundaries. If you don't, this will just continue to happen. You also need to tell her how the relationship is making you feel. Be okay with upsetting her. It's not good for you to go on like this, and eventually, it's going to blow up in someone's face.

I know you've known her since childhood, but start thinking about the pluses and minuses of having this person in your life. Is she worth feeling this way every day? What are the good things she brings to the relationship? Do they outweigh the negative? If not, you might want to consider ending the friendship. You may not be ready to do that yet, but it could come to that if she's taking more than she's giving.

Regardless, you deserve respect. She is not respecting you by doing this to you and you're not respecting yourself either. Take some time, think about what you really want from this friendship, and tell her. Maybe you can only see her once a week in the beginning, then you can increase it to once every two weeks, then once every month. It's a gradual process, but limitations need to be set or else the relationship will implode.

You're a good person, Oden. This is not being selfish; this is being assertive.

Have a great day! Stay safe!
 
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Purpleplum

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Feb 7, 2020
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U.S.
If someone is making you feel bad for wanting to take care of yourself, you need to let them go. They are just looking out for their own needs even though you've told them yours. You need to realize you don't deserve that and walk away.
 
Oden

Oden

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Joined
Feb 21, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Sweden
@bpd2020 She have a hard time listening to other people and often change conversation so it’s about her. She can often ask me if I want to do something special but she will still just go with what she wants and not meet in the middle.

Sometimes when I get too tired to say no, I let my brother answere the texts and deny for me.

She truly wear me down most of the time 😣
 
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bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
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1,012
Location
England
@bpd2020 She have a hard time listening to other people and often change conversation so it’s about her. She can often ask me if I want to do something special but she will still just go with what she wants and not meet in the middle.

Sometimes when I get too tired to say no, I let my brother answere the texts and deny for me.

She truly wear me down most of the time 😣
Please do not let her treat you this way. You deserve better. You should not be forced to do things by somebody who is meant to be a friend.
 
Oden

Oden

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Joined
Feb 21, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Sweden
Hi, @LokiPokey75 I don’t really know why she wants to be with me. We are quite the opposite when we compare personality, I’m 100% introvert while she loves being with people and standing in the center.

I think she likes being with me to escape going home and have a person around her. I would say the only positive with having her as a friend is that she drags me out from the house and invites me to small parties where I know all the people.

I can talk about my problems but I know she won’t truly listen or understand my side, just a bit like you vent out everything that have been bottled up. It always end up that she had it worse than me but I’m not that sure about it, but I know that’s how she see it. While myself often listen to her troubles and are there when she needs me.

My little brother often tells me that’s she’s not a good friend and can be a bit toxic, so he often tells me that I should end the friendship when I find better friends. One of the common comments I can get for her is that I need to lose weight and that I’m fat, then she just go with buying junk food and when she can’t eat more she gives it to me 😅

Because she knows I have trouble feeling when I’m satisfied and I hate throwing away food and wasting it.

But I would feel bad ending a friendship which we had for 16 years.
 
Oden

Oden

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Joined
Feb 21, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Sweden
Please do not let her treat you this way. You deserve better. You should not be forced to do things by somebody who is meant to be a friend.
I’m thinking to take a bit of a break being with her. I need to rest up otherwise I’m heading into a crash again and I have seen how this year with my courses at university have not been going as good as before because I’m too tired.

But I have promised her, I will take her with me when I’m picking up my new baby bunny which will be in a month and also she will follow me next year when I’m going to pick up my puppy.

So don’t want to break any promises I have made to her.

I’ll try to be a bit head-stronger than her, she have many friends she can be with and have fun with and don’t need to take me out all the time. Maybe I can redirect her to them instead.
 
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bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
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1,012
Location
England
I’m thinking to take a bit of a break being with her. I need to rest up otherwise I’m heading into a crash again and I have seen how this year with my courses at university have not been going as good as before because I’m too tired.

But I have promised her, I will take her with me when I’m picking up my new baby bunny which will be in a month and also she will follow me next year when I’m going to pick up my puppy.

So don’t want to break any promises I have made to her.

I’ll try to be a bit head-stronger than her, she have many friends she can be with and have fun with and don’t need to take me out all the time. Maybe I can redirect her to them instead.
You mentioned she calls you names about your weight then encourages you to eat junk food. This is not friendship. Being friends with somebody for a long time does not mean you have to always be their friend. It sounds like you have outgrown this friendship and it is no longer working for you. It does not matter you made promises to do things with her. You have a right to change your mind.
 
Oden

Oden

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Joined
Feb 21, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Sweden
You mentioned she calls you names about your weight then encourages you to eat junk food. This is not friendship. Being friends with somebody for a long time does not mean you have to always be their friend. It sounds like you have outgrown this friendship and it is no longer working for you. It does not matter you made promises to do things with her. You have a right to change your mind.
I’ve told her I need a break for a few weeks and I’ll take my time thinking about our friendship. To see how I will handle it and try to decide what I’ll do ☺
 
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bpd2020

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England
Good for you. I am glad you managed to tell her you need a break and you will take time to think about the friendship.
 
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