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my food experiences(might trigger)

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Loladess

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Germany
Hello, so I‘ve been having some experiences I’ve been dealing lately and I would like you to tell me what you think about it all because I‘m kinda scared to seek help.

So I‘m 21 years old and I really recognized first „problems“ when I was 16 when I first fell in love but unfortunately for me it was one sided and really toxic for me(1-2 years) which led me to I think a first depressed episode. I think now I had some before but it was the first time I really thought about it and in that time sometimes I also stopped eating until I saw black in front of my eyes and had to vomit, but without anything special triggering. I think it wasn’t really obvious because you can often eat nothing and then a lot and still be starving and not lose weight. Through the years I felt like ether I was needing more and more food or I was not eating very much, but it was ok because I didn’t gain or lose a lot. Then in late 2019 which was actually a really good year(single again and vacations)led me to so much sadness in wintertime. I sometimes didn’t eat at all or always little portions. When we were ordering, the smallest things did bother me and made me not wanna eat. Sometimes it just felt wrong and kinda sad in my stomach so I stopped eating and said I just wasn’t hungry anymore. I never thought I was too much in my weight, maybe when I was younger, but I hadn’t had problems with it so far, also because my friends weight more and I would never wanna make them feel like they’re too much. I lost a few pounds and I got from a 6 to a 2(US) so everything I had in my closet made me feel so much more ugly. It worried me a lot that people were saying I’m thinner because what can I say than just smile? One day in December I was standing in front of my mothers mirror and recognized that my smallest jeans was totally loose which made me soo uncomfortable and that weird moment made me start to eat more and I don’t have a reason for these small moments that change my life. After that I didn’t really had appetite and I didn’t know when to stop. It wasn’t easy gaining weight and I’m currently on a 4 and up which kinda makes me feel like I should eat less, but also winter is coming so the overall sadness and hopelessnes turns into a lot more anxiety. When I read this I feel like it’s totally understandable to ask for help, but if you feel it it’s so scary to let someone tell you more than you know and decides what you think in the end. I’m scared it’s just nothing and I’m overreacting.
 
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Loladess

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Germany
I also feel like I could easily go back to not eating because I think about it often and that I don’t know how far I would go if I live alone and don’t have to see people(which I normally always avoid)
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,755
Location
England
Hello Loladess. I think you are brave to be honest about your relationship around food and how you are feeling. You are not overreacting. I do think you should get some help. There is a lot more understanding about this now and help available. Please talk to your doctor and tell them what is going on.
 
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