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My First Trauma - sorry for long post.

H

HollyR

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
154
Location
UK
So the events leading up to my diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder are very extensive, and it started when I was just 6 years old. It was the summer of 2005, and I was at a 7th Birthday Party for someone who lived a few doors down from me, they had a bouncy garden set up in the back garden. I was really excited to get on it, but was told that I wasn't allowed to climb on the top of it, so I obeyed that rule for some of the party. Later on however, one of the older kids climbed up the top of the bouncy castle so I followed him. As it was shaped like a castle, there were two turrets and an archway in the middle. When at the top he decided to use the arch way to jump back onto the middle of it flinging me back. I lost my balance and fell off the back, I remember looking up at the sky and then everything going black.

When I woke up, I felt my head because it was killing me, and then I looked at my arm. Well what was left of it anyway. On impact, the bone had snapped clean in two and gone through the skin, so the whole thing was sticking out. My body had gone into shock at this point so I couldn't feel a thing, but there was blood and flesh everywhere. I touched the end of the bone thinking it was a stone and felt a strange zinging feeling up my whole arm, a dog started barking at my arm so I went inside where my Dad had just arrived. He looked concerned but always stayed calm in emergencies, I was sat down by some of the Mums who put a tea towel over my arm while Dad called an ambulance and my Mum. I could hear my Mum saying 'How do you know that it's broken?' and Dad said back 'The bone is sticking out.' I heard my Mum gasp and before I knew it the ambulance had arrived. From my 6 year old perspective, some green people came in and wrapped my arm up and put me in the back of the ambulance on top of my Dad lying down because I was too small. My Mum and sister arrived at the same time, and after my Mum gave me a sad expression the ambulance started and off we went. The sirens were really loud and they gave me morphine. We got to the hospital in less than 5 minutes and I was rushed straight into resus. I was given oxygen which I really didn't like, and then I started to hallucinate from the morphine. My Dad was holding my hand at the time and when I looked at him, he had turned into an ape which somehow didn't bother me but hey ho, I couldn't feel any pain.

My family arrived and after seeing my sister go very white at the sight of my arm, I was rushed into 5 hour surgery to save my arm. I remember counting the lights and the doctors warning me about the bumps on the floor, and the next thing I remember I woke up with a bandage on my arm and asked the surgeon if it was done. I then woke up again and my Grandad and sister were in front of me, and I was in a child's ward. After 5 long days I was allowed to go home after they had cleaned out my whole arm, reconstructed it and put a titanium screw in there so that the bones would fuse over it. It was a long surgery, and I'm very lucky to have an arm at all, it was just a very hard thing to go through as a 6 year old. Even though I was allowed to go home, the arm then got really badly infected and I had to have my cast changed every week for 12 weeks. Doesn't sound like long but that was my whole summer and some of school, all sweaty and itchy and painful. When they took the stitches out, it was by far the worst pain I have EVER felt to this day, and I have been in lots of pain before, they said it wouldn't hurt but oh my Christ, it felt like I was having my skin slowly sawed open.

Then came the bullying, for a long time people have called me a freak, and called my arm disgusting because of it's physical appearance. I've never liked the look of it, it looks completely deformed and I've always hated it, people make comments without realising how it hurts me, but I've learnt to accept that it's part of me and how lucky I am. That was just the start of a whole line of traumas that caused my BPD.
 
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