C
catbat123
New member
Hello. I have never posted anything before and have never spoken about this before, but I don't know where else to go and its becoming an all consuming part of my life.
Years ago when I was around 8 I had my friend at school. I don't remember much, because she wasn't at our school for very long before moving. It sounds just so awful typing this out. I remember finding a book in my parents wardrobe about sexual intimacy etc and I think I was just copying what I had seen in the book. I remember kissing my friend in the school toilets, and feeling very secretive about it. I have no idea why we did, but I always feel so awful because I feel like I was the one who instigated it. I never forced her to do anything, I think we were just messing around like children do. One evening I remember very vaguely taking it in turns to kiss 'down there'. Just typing this out makes me feel disgusting and dirty, and like I was a very weird child. This happened on one occasion and she moved away and I never heard from her again.
It hasnt always affected me through my life, but recently it keeps coming into my mind. I cant bear the thought that I caused her any distress, and I live in absolute fear of causing her any upset. I had no grasp on the way I was behaving, and I can't bear the idea that my actions have affected her in her life. I was never forceful, but I know I could be persuasive. I think about it all the time, and it affects all aspects of my life. I feel total shame and guilt, and I simply cannot enjoy my life because I feel I don't deserve to. No matter how much I hear that lots of children engage in this sort of behaviour I can't help but feel that mine crossed a line and I sometimes hate myself. It sounds stupid but I feel terrified my past will all catch up with me and I will have to explain my actions even though I don't know.
I have a wonderful life, a great job, an amazing partner and family. I think I am a good person, but I just cant shake this off and move on. I don't know how to move on with my life. Its just forever in the back of my mind that I was an odd person and I can't be anything other than that. I feel I don't deserve any happiness and I should be punished. I almost wish someone had found out so it could have been dealt with at the time.
This has been something I have hidden now for over 20 years and I would love to be able to speak to someone about this and try and pave a way forward. Any kind words would be much appreciated. It would be good to know if others have had any similar experiences.
Thank you
Years ago when I was around 8 I had my friend at school. I don't remember much, because she wasn't at our school for very long before moving. It sounds just so awful typing this out. I remember finding a book in my parents wardrobe about sexual intimacy etc and I think I was just copying what I had seen in the book. I remember kissing my friend in the school toilets, and feeling very secretive about it. I have no idea why we did, but I always feel so awful because I feel like I was the one who instigated it. I never forced her to do anything, I think we were just messing around like children do. One evening I remember very vaguely taking it in turns to kiss 'down there'. Just typing this out makes me feel disgusting and dirty, and like I was a very weird child. This happened on one occasion and she moved away and I never heard from her again.
It hasnt always affected me through my life, but recently it keeps coming into my mind. I cant bear the thought that I caused her any distress, and I live in absolute fear of causing her any upset. I had no grasp on the way I was behaving, and I can't bear the idea that my actions have affected her in her life. I was never forceful, but I know I could be persuasive. I think about it all the time, and it affects all aspects of my life. I feel total shame and guilt, and I simply cannot enjoy my life because I feel I don't deserve to. No matter how much I hear that lots of children engage in this sort of behaviour I can't help but feel that mine crossed a line and I sometimes hate myself. It sounds stupid but I feel terrified my past will all catch up with me and I will have to explain my actions even though I don't know.
I have a wonderful life, a great job, an amazing partner and family. I think I am a good person, but I just cant shake this off and move on. I don't know how to move on with my life. Its just forever in the back of my mind that I was an odd person and I can't be anything other than that. I feel I don't deserve any happiness and I should be punished. I almost wish someone had found out so it could have been dealt with at the time.
This has been something I have hidden now for over 20 years and I would love to be able to speak to someone about this and try and pave a way forward. Any kind words would be much appreciated. It would be good to know if others have had any similar experiences.
Thank you