My first time here, talking about childhood experiences. Please help

[catbat123]

Hello. I have never posted anything before and have never spoken about this before, but I don't know where else to go and its becoming an all consuming part of my life.

Years ago when I was around 8 I had my friend at school. I don't remember much, because she wasn't at our school for very long before moving. It sounds just so awful typing this out. I remember finding a book in my parents wardrobe about sexual intimacy etc and I think I was just copying what I had seen in the book. I remember kissing my friend in the school toilets, and feeling very secretive about it. I have no idea why we did, but I always feel so awful because I feel like I was the one who instigated it. I never forced her to do anything, I think we were just messing around like children do. One evening I remember very vaguely taking it in turns to kiss 'down there'. Just typing this out makes me feel disgusting and dirty, and like I was a very weird child. This happened on one occasion and she moved away and I never heard from her again.

It hasnt always affected me through my life, but recently it keeps coming into my mind. I cant bear the thought that I caused her any distress, and I live in absolute fear of causing her any upset. I had no grasp on the way I was behaving, and I can't bear the idea that my actions have affected her in her life. I was never forceful, but I know I could be persuasive. I think about it all the time, and it affects all aspects of my life. I feel total shame and guilt, and I simply cannot enjoy my life because I feel I don't deserve to. No matter how much I hear that lots of children engage in this sort of behaviour I can't help but feel that mine crossed a line and I sometimes hate myself. It sounds stupid but I feel terrified my past will all catch up with me and I will have to explain my actions even though I don't know.

I have a wonderful life, a great job, an amazing partner and family. I think I am a good person, but I just cant shake this off and move on. I don't know how to move on with my life. Its just forever in the back of my mind that I was an odd person and I can't be anything other than that. I feel I don't deserve any happiness and I should be punished. I almost wish someone had found out so it could have been dealt with at the time.

This has been something I have hidden now for over 20 years and I would love to be able to speak to someone about this and try and pave a way forward. Any kind words would be much appreciated. It would be good to know if others have had any similar experiences.

Thank you

 

[bpd2020]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so so sorry you are feeling so bad about something you did as a young child. I am not sure if I can reassure you as it sounds like you have struggled with this forever. You were an innocent child and you did not really know what you are doing. When I was around 10 I remember chasing a boy and kissing him. He did not want me to as he ran away. I had no idea what I did was wrong. You have to forgive yourself for being a child.

 

[catbat123]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have always wondered if counselling may help but I dont know where to go for help, as I thought this might involve some kind of specialist in this area.

I just wish it would all go away. I see things on the news of people being arrested etc and I always have the sinking feeling that it should be me being punished for what I did. I have visions of myself going to the police even though I know this isn't logical thinking. I think these experiences have manifested in me being incredibly paranoid and aways wanting to do 100% the correct thing, which is exhausting. I just want to know if I'm normal.

Thank you again for your reply. I'm so glad I have finally opened up.

 

[bpd2020]

If you feel counselling will help then you could try it. If you think it will help you to live the life of happiness that you deserve then go for it. You were a child. You did not do it on purpose and you really did not know what you were doing. I think you are normal. You are looking at this as you as the adult. I think you forget you were a little 8 year old child who did not know what they were doing.

 

[catbat123]

Thank you so much. It feels lovely to know that there are strangers out there willing to listen. I have been thinking about telling someone for a long time and I am glad I did. Thank you for being a wonderful person.

 

[bpd2020]

Oh you are so sweet. I am so happy I have helped. Please forgive yourself and enjoy your life. You have not done anything to feel bad for.

 

[ManDss]

You have to take in consideration that the person u are talking could havent been affected for what u both did, a even doesnt remembers it at all.

Also, as u said, u were kids.

So dont instigate yourself so much about this.