• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

my first step to a recovery...

P

pollyjean

New member
Joined
Jan 17, 2009
Messages
1
Hi everyone. i did not know where to post about this. because i have kept missing appointments that are lined up for me.

I really need some help, and this first step has been to wake up and see every thing a bit more clearly:

I have found it hard to talk about this at all, but i have had enough of a realisation to know that there is a massive problem and do not know where to start as i have been detached for so long.

For the past two or three years or so i have had feelings of detachment and perhaps derangement. I am only nearly 20, and so i know it CAN be resolved now.

a lot of the time i have been in complete doubt of my own emotions and discarding them until i wasnt having any. I got to a point at first where i was spending all my time trying to recreate moments instead of having any new experience.
this got to a point where i was barely eating because i obsessed about trying to attach myself to these things so much, getting up in the night and just driving through places i have been before. I have had what could be called an addiction to the internet as well, however in the same way as above where it would just be blank routines. doing the complete opposite to help myself until i was completely destroyed.
and the stupidest things to try and confirm my identity all the while so detached from everything.
writing lists about every action and doing everything in lists.
I also obsessively hated when my family moved house because of the emotional reactions i was having. to the point i would just shut myself off from anything new, although it was there. i helped make the choice of house too in perhaps the worst of condition.

I used to write music, but hated college and how much work i had. I never had a break and did the opposite of learn anything. and its got to this point.

I have recently woken up enough-eaten and begun going places by foot etc. so i have actually realised the implications and am not living in the past. i have started to not doubt my own emotions, but instead my actions.
however i have been so horrible to people around me becuase i was just blaming them in such a deranged way.
I know they wont necessarily hold these things against me in the future, and that i was actually fine through what preceded the illness(just thought i wasnt; or at least would head to somewhere good) and no one is looking at me in such an awful way- and also its just another symptom of the whole thing to do so.

from now i am of course going to find it so hard to get back on the ladder. nothing is particularly of direct consequence because i have not made it so.
I am starting with the smaller things, and not doubting some parts of my recovery process so much. trying not to think about where other people are(i am likely to never see them again). trying to wake up to consequence and think with actual knowledge about myself.

just being fine about leaving the house at every opportunity(a lot of people do anyway!), and glad that even know i was so horrible in some parts, i have actually slowly got myself to this point and its fine.
I am off to my dad's for a holiday, though its not quite a home- and a good home is what i've been dying for all this time.
Not worrying so much about how i have 'screwed up' or whether my writing or art(i was going down an art route in education) is good enough. realising that the times i had were not forced or abnormal, that they are just me.

I really dont know where to go now as i am so under stimulated and removed from the ambitions i had when i was younger, because i am in no way an adult(yet), and find it so hard to have a conversation.

Thanks for listening, it would be good to know someone else who has been through this.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi the way that I undersatnd it I'm 48 and I'm starting my life all over again, from the point of being that 8 year old child that was told I couldnt sing, I hope things work out differently for me this time best wishes and good luck in your future JD:D
 
Top