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My first ever, truthful, vent...What is wrong with me?

H

Hopeful0315

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2021
Messages
2
Location
England
I am new to this forum so apologies if I say something wrong. I found this forum because I desperately need a safe space to just say what has happened/is happening.

I spent most of my childhood feeling sick. Starting at 11 years old. Sick to your stomach sick but never physically. My parents took me to Doctors who said I was fine, attention seeking. They recommended therapy and to be firm with me. Long story short, I did years of therapy of every kind imaginable and nothing worked. I would phone my parents ( I went to boarding school) and cry, saying I wanted to come home because I felt sick. I would tell the Nurse, my friends, the teachers and my family. I was met with anger, disappointment and being told I was selfish, need to get over it etc. I felt very, very alone.

So eventually I start avoiding class because I feel sick and now I have a great deal of anxiety around it. I can't say anything to anyone because I get told off so I just avoid going. I do the same with exams, if I have to go then I rush the exam so I can just leave. I sit near doors as I become almost claustrophobic in the room and struggle when going out with friends. I start having more stomach issues that lead to me becoming increasingly anxious about my struggles. I am still met with the same dismay from those around me, so I stop talking. Occasionally I back out of plans and say, truthfully, that I don't feel well . I get told I am selfish and boring and ruin it for everyone else. I develop a severe phobia of vomiting.

17 years old. I have left school because I hate it and attempted college but I cannot relax, I cannot stand going to class or parties or anything and my awkwardness has made me a social target. I am bullied. I stop eating any foods that don't feel safe (fish, chicken, rice etc.) and never eat anything I haven't made myself. I get to a point where I am living on nothing but a bowl of soup 4 times a week. I never, EVER eat if I am leaving the house or eat when I am out. I still feel sick all the time. I do not speak of it. I feel like I have lost my mind, that my body has all these sensations that are not real. I struggle with the notion that I am feeling something that is supposedly not there. I struggle with the fact that none of the therapists can help and that I am broken.

Lots of stresses happen over the course of the next few years and eventually, at 21, I meet my now husband. He makes a few comments on my weird habits, most of which I kept secret. He comments on why I leave his house at 2am and I say, eventually, because I feel ill. That I understand if he doesn't want to be with me anymore because there isn't actually anything wrong with me, I am just crazy. He, thankfully, supports me. The first person to show me affection in the eyes of this since my parents initially took me to the doctors 10 years prior.

24 years old, suddenly I feel insane hunger. Still feel sick all the time but this time I eat constantly like a whole large pizza to myself and 2 minutes later want another. I have stomach troubles, my bones keep breaking, my skin looks crap. I have seen the doctors hundreds of times about this, to be told its anxiety and do therapy, but decide to try again. I get a student doctor who, for some reason, thinks there is something more. 3 days and a blood test later, it suggests I have Coeliacs. 1 biopsy later, this is confirmed and my intestines are damaged beyond repair (apparently). I start my gluten free diet...I no longer feel ill! ish*

A bunch of other issues emerge over the years, turns out my immune system is pretty full on/useless. Find out I can't have children whilst raising my husbands 2 children from previous. Spiral but recover. Fortunately manage to get pregnant after a long time trying but get told she will be stillborn. Have terrible health issues during pregnancy and nearly lose my daughter/my own life but we both thankfully pulled through. During her 1st year I get ill again and now referred to oncology for tests. Anxiety ramps up. So grateful that I got the all clear but found out I have another nasty immune condition. Manage to get pregnant again but don't think my body could handle anymore.

However, now I have numerous issues that stem from these things..

1. I have no understanding of my bodily sensations. I don't know how to read them. Are they real, imaginary or normal? Am I sick or is this how people just feel. I have no trust in myself anymore.

2. I have a LOT of resentment to those in my life (especially my family) because they made me feel like I was a burden. Even to this day, knowing the outcome, they joke about what a horrid kid I was . I was sick, it was not a funny time for me, I wasn't just acting out being a brat. I was sad, scared and lonely. But I do understand that my parents tried, so its a strange resentment towards them. I get that they went by the Doctors advice and I know kids are infuriating in general, but I also don't get how they could have been so angry at me all the time. I feel like an outsider in my family but i love them very much.

3. I have an extreme phobia of vomiting and I don't know how to get rid of it. Therapy is not helping. Being sick does not help.

4. I have social anxiety, general anxiety and just everything anxiety. I am too scared to go on a plane because I am scared Ill be ill mid flight and stuck. Even though I am rarely sick.

5. I developed Pure OCD after my daughters birth and furthermore after my sons. Intrusive thoughts that plague my life. Again, this has fuelled the anxiety.

6. I have a binge eating disorder because I don't know how to cope with food properly. I don't eat if I am going out, or even the night before if its a proper day out. So Ill starve myself for hours and then binge on rubbish.

7. I punish myself all the time. I tell myself I am disgusting, that I do not deserve love or attention. I am so overweight now, from bingeing, that I truly believe it. I believe I am worthless and nothing but a burden.

8. I am crazy insecure. My poor husband is amazing but it can't be easy for him to put up with.

9. I have anger issues now too. And I feel angry. I try so hard to be a good person but I always end up being the target of some convoluted scheme. People tend to either use me or hate me. So now I feel like I have a horrible personality and that, again, I am nothing but a burden or a vessel for others to step on to gain height.

10. I never pursued my dreams and barely hold a job down. I have no confidence in myself. this is crippling.

The worst part of everything is that I want my family to acknowledge this but I can't really speak freely and even when I have broached the subject, it is met with a lot of criticism and brushed off. So I will not be getting any validation there. But I need to regain control of my life. I am a mother now and I want to show my children how to be strong but therapy has done more damage than good in this case.

so now I am seen as a selfish, burden to all who just needs to get over everything and I am here to ask...do I just need to get over it or am I right to feel a little put out?

Anyway, thanks for the vent, feels good to say it all how it is.
 
Jolly

Jolly

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
798
Location
United Kingdom
Welcome 🙏. Wow that is a lot of issues. I would have hated going to boarding school. You not selfish or a burden you just have a lot going on at moment. Personally I would have felt very put out especially as you have been through the mill. This forum is lovely and there will be plenty more people around to support and help you. Join in the conversations as well. Just take care of yourself and don’t be hard on yourself
 
H

Hopeful0315

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2021
Messages
2
Location
England
Welcome 🙏. Wow that is a lot of issues. I would have hated going to boarding school. You not selfish or a burden you just have a lot going on at moment. Personally I would have felt very put out especially as you have been through the mill. This forum is lovely and there will be plenty more people around to support and help you. Join in the conversations as well. Just take care of yourself and don’t be hard on yourself

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I know it is a long rant! Strangely, writing it actually gave me the courage to talk to my Mum about it and it went pretty well. :)
 

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