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My fiancee has left the country due to depression and immediately received a Cyclothymia diagnosis

F

funkmaster

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Oct 18, 2020
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Location
UK
My fiancee is from the US and I am from the UK. We met online when she was working in the UK 5 years ago. Since then we've suffered a myriad of visa issues that ultimately meant us maintaining our relationship long distance with occasional visits (maybe 3/4 weeks out of every six months). We did 2.5 years of this. We really managed it very well and eventually in January this year we got our visa to settle in the UK.

However, once she arrived here, covid happened. We couldn't marry, which meant she couldn't work and the lockdown meant she was stuck with absolutely nothing to do. Her mental health deteriorated over the months. I also work from home so we were in each others company 100% of the time. The NHS in the UK has been struggling to deal with the mental health crisis and was not much use to us. It did seem like our need to marry immediately was going to be pushed out 2 years due to visa circumstances. This all changed when our lawyer said you need to get married right now. Well, with 8 months of cabin fever, rapidly declining mental health and a staggering lack of purpose it was too much, she couldn't do it. She did the right thing and called it off, nobody should marry in a state like that.

She decided she needed to go back to the US to be around family to get proper medicine, therapy and familial support. She left a few days ago because we called off the visa process there is no immediate path to get back together permanently. In fact, it's not even possible for us to visit each other again until travel bans are lifted. Her mother is bipolar and they've long suspected that my partner has Cyclothymia, along with the online therapist she was seeing here. She has however hidden elements of her feelings from her family to avoid this. With this crisis it has forced her to entirely open up about everything.

On our emotionally charged last night together we talked endlessly and a whole bunch of stuff about her childhood came out that she never even told her therapist when she was young. It also came out that the same issues and emotions she was feeling were not new, and existed long before I was a part of her life. She even told me she made an attempt on her life when she was a teen. If this all turns out to be true did we ever really have a chance to succeed with untreated cyclothymia in between us?

In my sadness and desperation since she had left I had being saying things to her like "I can handle anything that comes our way with this diagnosis! We'll find out way back together I'm sure" and being overly positive about the future. Until last night when I did some serious reading on the subject and the magnitude of what is to be expected of me was revealed. I feel much more sober about the prospect of what is to come:

Firstly I am worried that her depressive state might make her just call the whole relationship off. If she were to do that, should I necessarily believe it? After all, it's still going to be untreated for sometime until meds/therapy do anything. I think the tough part is I'm learning that IF this is to work out I have to start reacting to my partner in a more logical way rather than an emotional one. But right now I am still in a very emotional state sitting in the house that we created together only 4 days separated. That is also going to be more difficult being long distance once again.

Any future I see for us now I believe must be based near her home and family in the US. I am happy to relocate but I also have to take extremely seriously the idea of moving to the other side of the world away from my own support network to be with someone who will inevitably make me face intense emotional challenges.

It is my belief that we do have something special. We share similar outlooks on life, we influence each other in the right ways, we have respect for one another and I think most importantly, we make each other laugh even in the dark times. She has taught me to talk about my emotions and I have shown her how health & fitness can make a huge difference in our lives. I always tried to explain this throughout our hard times and she would be dismayed at why even though she totally agreed about all of that, she wasn't happy.

I have checked myself into therapy myself as I believe this time has held a mirror up to my own issues regarding cannabis abuse and anxiety. I don't want to pretend I am perfect in this situation. I also need the therapy to help me deal with the idea of spending my life with someone who has a mental illness or to have the strength to move on from her.

I'm glad I found this place and it feels to good to write all of this out. Love and respect to any of you suffering out there with these kinds of conditions, my heart is with you.
 
Schizohayez

Schizohayez

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 11, 2020
Messages
74
Location
Columbia
im sorry for what you guys are going through. I admire you for sticking with you fiancee even with the mental health struggles. not everyone can or will handle it. and blessing go out to her for all she's going through.
 
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