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My fiance of 7.5 years has ghosted me for two weeks now

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wonderwoman18

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Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Ottawa
I have been really been well for the past 5 months looking for work, going on fun activities with him and eating well, taking my meds which were really helping and doing yoga and reading. I finally felt like I was getting back to myself after the stresses of attempting suicide and quitting two jobs in the last year.

Then just when life feels livable again - I am being ghosted by someone i have known for so long and he won't take my calls, never came home after he came back from his family trip and I am sitting here in a house I cannot afford unemployed and just reeling from the shock of where I am right now.
 
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sallimae76

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Joined
Jun 18, 2019
Messages
478
Location
USA
I am sorry. You deserve to have someone who is upfront with you about what is happening between you two. You don't deserve to be ghosted after such a long relationship. I hope he will 'man up' and speak to you like an adult. Please remember that even if this relationship is over, do continue to make progress in your life. You deserve this whether you are single or not.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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May 20, 2019
Messages
1,007
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I have been really been well for the past 5 months looking for work, going on fun activities with him and eating well, taking my meds which were really helping and doing yoga and reading. I finally felt like I was getting back to myself after the stresses of attempting suicide and quitting two jobs in the last year.

Then just when life feels livable again - I am being ghosted by someone i have known for so long and he won't take my calls, never came home after he came back from his family trip and I am sitting here in a house I cannot afford unemployed and just reeling from the shock of where I am right now.
I’m so sorry he hasn’t even bothered to contact you. Be aware you have come through many dark days to get to where you are now, whatever happens in your relationship don’t let him take away your progress. Whatever happens financially it can be sorted. Try to focus solely on your wellbeing at the moment. x
 
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wonderwoman18

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Oct 12, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Ottawa
Thanks Lunus - as always your words of wisdom are very much welcome I am getting a lot stronger each day - i realize that my sickness in the past year made me so dependent emotionally and financially on my fiance that the whole dynamic of our relationship changed.

He thought having me to himself when my daughters moved out would make me all better and that we would live happily ever after. Instead the empty nest was unbearable and I just found out last night that he had told my daughters to never contact me again and that was never what i wanted. I just wanted everyone to live separately and stop relying on me to fix everyone's problems.

I really needed the chance to stop being burdened by everyone's problems and to focus on me for once and I guess I finally got that chance.

I am going to see what happens at the end of the month with our rent and bills - if my fiance just leaves me to pay them when he knows I am unemployed then that will continue to show me that he really does not love me or care for me or he would not leave me in such dire straights.

I realized too that he liked having me dependent on him and how my life revolved around him - I was really isolated because I no longer had my children except for short monthly visits, i has no job to go to and coworkers. I never felt so alone and hated the situation i was in. I felt trapped because I could not find a job and had to rely on his so much financially and emotionally. It is why the thought of his leaving for 8 days was unbearable - i really felt like I would not be able to live without him which proved to be untrue thankfully.

I was reading that ghosting is a form of emotional cruelty and that it shows that he is cowardly and lacking empathy for me - but I also know that fleeing abuse is a reason to ghost someone. I know that my BPD behaviours towards him two weeks ago were out of control - that I appeared to be the abuser as I smashed our phone, smashed a candle and hurt myself, acted jealous and enraged that he took off with his brother and I ruined his outing, that i would not accept his apologies because it seems rational me had left the building. I was telling him that I no longer wanted to marry him, that I could not stand this anymore and that it was over and when he said he could not stand it either and was leaving me - then i responded by saying i was going to seriously hurt myself.

It pains me to realize that our last moments together were his helping with my self harm and seeing me taken away by this tactical paramedic team that were dressed like army men. My behaviours were so out of control that a specials ops paramedic team was dispatched.

I certainly realize the impact my behaviours had on my fiance and i realize that I may have permanently driven him away because of them. I wish he had the balls to contact me and tell me it is truly over, but I think he is afraid that he will want to come home if he speaks to me. We have been pretty much each other's entire worlds and that is not a good thing for a couple - you need outside interests so that you don't get so enmeshed.

I am still reeling from the shock of his fleeing me for good - I was certain if I was patient and let him have his break on his trip with his family that he would come home and we would work things out. I wish I could turn back time and undo what I did before he left, but I guess that is not how life works.
 
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Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,007
Location
Norfolk
Thanks Lunus - as always your words of wisdom are very much welcome I am getting a lot stronger each day - i realize that my sickness in the past year made me so dependent emotionally and financially on my fiance that the whole dynamic of our relationship changed.

He thought having me to himself when my daughters moved out would make me all better and that we would live happily ever after. Instead the empty nest was unbearable and I just found out last night that he had told my daughters to never contact me again and that was never what i wanted. I just wanted everyone to live separately and stop relying on me to fix everyone's problems.

I really needed the chance to stop being burdened by everyone's problems and to focus on me for once and I guess I finally got that chance.

I am going to see what happens at the end of the month with our rent and bills - if my fiance just leaves me to pay them when he knows I am unemployed then that will continue to show me that he really does not love me or care for me or he would not leave me in such dire straights.

I realized too that he liked having me dependent on him and how my life revolved around him - I was really isolated because I no longer had my children except for short monthly visits, i has no job to go to and coworkers. I never felt so alone and hated the situation i was in. I felt trapped because I could not find a job and had to rely on his so much financially and emotionally. It is why the thought of his leaving for 8 days was unbearable - i really felt like I would not be able to live without him which proved to be untrue thankfully.

I was reading that ghosting is a form of emotional cruelty and that it shows that he is cowardly and lacking empathy for me - but I also know that fleeing abuse is a reason to ghost someone. I know that my BPD behaviours towards him two weeks ago were out of control - that I appeared to be the abuser as I smashed our phone, smashed a candle and hurt myself, acted jealous and enraged that he took off with his brother and I ruined his outing, that i would not accept his apologies because it seems rational me had left the building. I was telling him that I no longer wanted to marry him, that I could not stand this anymore and that it was over and when he said he could not stand it either and was leaving me - then i responded by saying i was going to seriously hurt myself.

It pains me to realize that our last moments together were his helping with my self harm and seeing me taken away by this tactical paramedic team that were dressed like army men. My behaviours were so out of control that a specials ops paramedic team was dispatched.

I certainly realize the impact my behaviours had on my fiance and i realize that I may have permanently driven him away because of them. I wish he had the balls to contact me and tell me it is truly over, but I think he is afraid that he will want to come home if he speaks to me. We have been pretty much each other's entire worlds and that is not a good thing for a couple - you need outside interests so that you don't get so enmeshed.

I am still reeling from the shock of his fleeing me for good - I was certain if I was patient and let him have his break on his trip with his family that he would come home and we would work things out. I wish I could turn back time and undo what I did before he left, but I guess that is not how life works.
Well, let’s look at the positives. You know you can survive without him emotionally, you are doing it! Finances will sort themselves out. As you say, see whether he pays anything and if he does, it buys you some time. If he doesn’t then you need to take action and seek advice.
I know what it’s like to be in a relationship yet feel so alone and sad. Without the constant negative triggers who knows you might recover really quickly.
Maybe the best thing you can do is take the content of your post and include it in a letter to him. Maybe it would help your closure.
 
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wonderwoman18

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Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Ottawa
Well i have no idea where i would send this letter Lunus cuz i think he is living with his brother out in the country, but they just moved this summer and i have no idea where this place is.
 
Luci

Luci

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Mar 15, 2019
Messages
531
Location
England
It is cruel of your partner to 'leave you hanging' so to speak and would make me question if he is worth your time and effort..... I was treat like this consistently for 2 years and it broke me.
As Lunus said, you are managing without him. You can do it! Is there any other way you could get in contact? Maybe just ask if/when he is planning to come home and clear things up?
Much love ♡ take care of yourself!
 
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wonderwoman18

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Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Ottawa
Thanks Luci - yes this has been a real eye opener for sure - not really sitting around missing him cuz it has been such a shock after all of these years - it is like his family turned our 7.5 years into nothing when my bpd has only been affecting us the past year. This summer we did so many things together and then i flip out once cuz i panicked and he disappears. I am probably more calm about it than he is. He used to get upset when i went out with my daughters shopping for the afternoon and he was left at home waiting, so he should have understood that leaving for 8 days out of town was going to be hard on me, when i am unemployed and have relied on him financially and emotionally for the past 5 months. Guess he cut and run and I am glad we never married then.

I have been applying for jobs since yesterday - I have an interview on Monday at a pet place so then i would be able to financially support myself with some savings I have. I guess I will get a roommate later too cuz this 4 bedroom house is too much just for me. If I can only get work part time, then i will look into applying for disability. And of course I will look into counselling.

It has been a rough couple weeks since he took off, but I am managing and feeling stronger each day. I cannot believe that this man who spent so long with me and whom i helped give him a new life over the years and then he just cuts and run. It is cruel and I am not impressed.

I tried Facebooking his brother and sister in law, but no one is responding. Guess I have been turned into the demon fiance and no one wants anything to do with me.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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May 29, 2019
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maybe it is just too much for him to handle some people have a braking point that may be the case from what you say
 
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wonderwoman18

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Oct 12, 2019
Messages
52
Location
Ottawa
Oh Sallimae - sorry i never saw your post to me - usually i get an email saying i have a new message. Yeah I would like him to man up, but he is being a cowardly man child and I am glad I never married him last May or used my savings trying to support us cuz I sure need to use it to support myself now.

The last thing he said to me over and over when I called from the hospital was "I really need a break . I am going to try to enjoy my trip."

Then he lets his family whisk him into the night with half of his possessions and I never hear from him again. He has turned off his phone and I remember his brother gave him an old one just before they went on their trip. I almost wonder if this was the plan - just to get rid of me like a piece of garbage. It has been very upsetting and at first I was hoping he would come home, but now I can't see how that can happen now. Who does that to someone after 7.5 years and our first 6.5 years were so happy - how can he forget that?
 
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wonderwoman18

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sadpunchingbag - yes i guess that is true - but it is still harsh to leave me hear at my lowest in my life - he could at least have the balls to say it is over even by a letter for pete's sakes.
 
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wonderwoman18

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I am not saying he can't leave me - but he can at least tell me instead of having run off like a coward - it would not be hard to just say it over the phone.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Well done getting an interview!! I’m sure you’ll get it as you seem such a nice lady. Just remember one thing, although it appears he has left you, nobody gets any pleasure from a relationship failing. You will both be upset and both have different emotions and reactions.
What I would suggest is you message his brother (even if he doesn’t respond) and you tell him you get the message it’s over. You ask him to get someone to collect the rest of his belongings as you will get somebody else in, you intend moving on with your life without him, and you could add something about your disappointment that he didn’t even have the courage to talk to you directly.
Just my thoughts, doesn’t mean I’m right lol.
 
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wonderwoman18

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Messages
52
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Ottawa
Thanks Lunus - I am really excited about the possibility of a full time job - i have not worked full time since last December so it would be so awesome to get back out there and do my thing. I know that my fiance is not sitting around all happy at the demise of our relationship - i imagine it might be hurting him more than me cuz he has only had two long relationships in his life and i know how depressed he got when his daughter's mother left him. He was not even able to work then.

I may message the brother again later once i see what happens when the end of the month comes and he knows all our bills and rent are due. I would imagine he will contact me about getting some of his possessions cuz he has nothing now - just some decorations and clothing and stuff in his car, no furniture at all and we have an extra bed and dressers I would think he would want.

I really doubt he wants to start over with nothing at 41. He had nothing when i met him, just castoff furniture from relatives.

I am glad that I am finding myself again - i had forgotten how strong and independent I usually am because in the past year I have relied so much on my fiance.

I think the stuff you said in the message I could send to his brother is perfect - it would show that I was the bigger person in this break up.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Thanks Lunus - I am really excited about the possibility of a full time job - i have not worked full time since last December so it would be so awesome to get back out there and do my thing. I know that my fiance is not sitting around all happy at the demise of our relationship - i imagine it might be hurting him more than me cuz he has only had two long relationships in his life and i know how depressed he got when his daughter's mother left him. He was not even able to work then.

I may message the brother again later once i see what happens when the end of the month comes and he knows all our bills and rent are due. I would imagine he will contact me about getting some of his possessions cuz he has nothing now - just some decorations and clothing and stuff in his car, no furniture at all and we have an extra bed and dressers I would think he would want.

I really doubt he wants to start over with nothing at 41. He had nothing when i met him, just castoff furniture from relatives.

I am glad that I am finding myself again - i had forgotten how strong and independent I usually am because in the past year I have relied so much on my fiance.

I think the stuff you said in the message I could send to his brother is perfect - it would show that I was the bigger person in this break up.
You’ve got such a fantastic attitude. There is something special about the strength a woman has in life. Good luck with everything. x
 
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