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My fiancé has left and I’m in so much pain

Delilah67

Delilah67

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2020
Messages
110
Location
Herefordshire
My behaviour is out of control and despite my best intentions I can’t change; I just get worse.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety for 30 odd years with meds galore,cbt etc.
nothing helps. I’m intense,cold, over thinking, over reacting and then suffering sheer terror at the thought of being abandoned. It’s only after a suicide attempt and self harming that afriend suggested I have Bpd.
I am being assessed privately tomorrow as I cannot get anywhere near MH services ( unless I’m psychotic)
My fiancé is in the forces so we are apart a lot, I think about him constantly, get huge painful anxiety attacks at the slightest thing.
I’m a grown woman with children, and my sister calls me “ the bunny boiler” because of things I’ve done in the past . I do desperately want to be stable, I can’t bear this crazy life anymore.

so after my partner coming home Thursday for 3 weeks, on the Friday I had a complete meltdown whilst on a family outing ( because kids were grumpy and he went to sit in car)
He took us home and packed his car up to stay at his mums . I made the worse scene ever, kids crying etc.
he said he’d had enough of walking on egg shells, making me unhappy but said he’d come back to talk Saturday.
I don’t know how I got through that night.
He came over Saturday evening but said it was over but he wasn’t abandoning me . To me he is !
he doesn’t believe I have a mental health problem but that I need to think and not be needy!!!
I then managed to tip the roast chicken juice down my dress/ legs and ran upstairs distraught.

he came upstairs with some ice and comforted me, he was very loving . He said he wouldtry again at a very slow pacr. He’d stay at his mums but come over to visit.

so now I’m in this terrible cycle of hope versus fear.
Positive... he is being loving, and acting like normal. He’s taking some time out.

negative thoughts... I’ve been downgraded, he’d rather be at his parents, his ex wife lives near by and she’ll be gloating, he’s perfectly happy whilst I’m desperate for him to be here.
It’s agony knowing he’s 5 mins away.
I just want to be loving and let him be ... I don’t want him to be unhappy but yet I’m devastated he’s ok.
I’m driving myself crazy.
I can’t stand it and having dark thoughts.
I’m so sorry for this long thread , I’m rambling .
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
6,336
Location
England
If you stay together, it will be ok
If you don't, it will be ok

I will be back on later as just had my own argument on the phone with someone so need to have a cup of tea

Other members will be along soon
We will try and support you through this

You will be ok
x
 
L

Lavendergirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
161
Location
London
If you stay together, it will be ok
If you don't, it will be ok

I will be back on later as just had my own argument on the phone with someone so need to have a cup of tea

Other members will be along soon
We will try and support you through this

You will be ok
x
As Tawny says other people on this part of the forum will support you please know you are not alone
I do not have bpd but live with someone who has
It's a hard road to travel for all your family and especially you.
Please wait until you see a professional tomorrow
What ever your diagnosis they can help you with strategies and maybe medication.
I understand its so anxiety provoking for you due to your partner moving out
But hopefully this will be temporary just some breathing space for all of you
You are doing the difficult bit confronting your fears and asking for help
Thats brave and shows you want to work towards change
I'm sure your partner will
support you in that.
If you stay together, it will be ok
If you don't, it will be ok

I will be back on later as just had my own argument on the phone with someone so need to have a cup of tea

Other members will be along soon
We will try and support you through this

You will be ok
x
Just try for now to stay calm in whatever works for you
Easier said than done I know
But baby steps are more easy to negotiate right now
You can and are doing this
Let me know what the outcome is tomorrow.
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2020
Messages
110
Location
Herefordshire
Thank you. I’ve gone from feeling desperate to feeling really annoyed. I feel he’s holding all the cards, and he can just dangle me on a string.
ive had to endure endless separations, the ex wife , the job . I feel really angry he gets a month off and he’s spending it with his real family. He’s just spent 10 days in France with them .
I wish I was normal with self respect and cut my losses and not look back. I don’t want to be left dangling on a string ...
Urghhh I’m sick of not knowing if he’s a great guy or a using bastard .
im sick of not knowing and this craziness
 
B

Bilbo

Active member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
42
Location
Melrose
I hear you Delilah and the way you described your feelings gave me goose bumps.

I know how painful the not knowing how things will turn out will be and when we
are in it we seem to be so stuck in it. You are the only one who can soothe yourself better by trying to see the big picture that you will be OK. You have probably been here before like me and you have survived because that’s what we are- SURVIVORS.

You are good enough but will you believe that?
 
L

Lavendergirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
161
Location
London
Thank you. I’ve gone from feeling desperate to feeling really annoyed. I feel he’s holding all the cards, and he can just dangle me on a string.
ive had to endure endless separations, the ex wife , the job . I feel really angry he gets a month off and he’s spending it with his real family. He’s just spent 10 days in France with them .
I wish I was normal with self respect and cut my losses and not look back. I don’t want to be left dangling on a string ...
Urghhh I’m sick of not knowing if he’s a great guy or a using bastard .
im sick of not knowing and this craziness
Hi how did your assessment go today
I hope it was of some help
And remember as much as you may feel you can't get out of this cycle you have choices
Don't allow your partner to call all the shots
You both need to be communicating and showing each other understanding and compassion
It takes 2 people and should not feel one sided x
 
L

Lizaje

Guest
I wish I was normal with self respect and cut my losses and not look back.
I guess the question is, is he wronging you or is he just being a man. I'm under the impression it's usually women who insist on knowing 'what now, do you love me, don't you care about me, why aren't you here, why do you spend more time with them', but are they being unreasonable or are they just being women?

In my experience having other people's opinions mainly annoys and doesn't really help, because relationships are so personal, so I won't say anything about that. But I relate a lot to your situation. Maybe the time he spends away, you can spend on gathering yourself together. (I don't know if he's going soon but) you could start a medication if they prescribed you something, take care of yourself physically as well as mentally, as far as you can. Take care of your home, go to appointments, if you have any, read about related stuff [if you have bpd then that, or just depression, anxiety, fear of separation], anything that would help you a little to understand what is happening.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,291
It’s very hard to see clearly in the middle of a break up. Emotions rule and logic is thrown out.

You need time to process the pain, then you need to start working on yourself in therapy. Take ownership of what you are doing to yourself and demand better of yourself. Think of it as preparing yourself to be the best you that you can be, so that when you truly meet the one, you’ll be equipped.

Look into DBT therapy for some really useful and practical skills for bpd.
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
2,128
Location
nowhere
Thank you. I’ve gone from feeling desperate to feeling really annoyed. I feel he’s holding all the cards, and he can just dangle me on a string.
ive had to endure endless separations, the ex wife , the job . I feel really angry he gets a month off and he’s spending it with his real family. He’s just spent 10 days in France with them .
I wish I was normal with self respect and cut my losses and not look back. I don’t want to be left dangling on a string ...
Urghhh I’m sick of not knowing if he’s a great guy or a using bastard .
im sick of not knowing and this craziness
He doesn't hold all the cards. You just need to take yours back. He is not without problems...No one is. Don't let him make you feel that you're the sole problem.

You said you're sick of not knowing if he's a great guy or a using bastard. But you do know. You wouldn't wonder if you didn't. Believe your gut.

I'd tell him you're leaving him. It will give you your power back and he's going to do it to you at some point anyway.
 
L

Lizaje

Guest
You said you're sick of not knowing if he's a great guy or a using bastard. But you do know. You wouldn't wonder if you didn't. Believe your gut.
I have an experience similar to theirs and I really didn't know.
I'd tell him you're leaving him. It will give you your power back and he's going to do it to you at some point anyway.
How can you say that? You don't know
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2020
Messages
110
Location
Herefordshire
Hi how did your assessment go today
I hope it was of some help
And remember as much as you may feel you can't get out of this cycle you have choices
Don't allow your partner to call all the shots
You both need to be communicating and showing each other understanding and compassion
It takes 2 people and should not feel one sided x
Hi, I have Bpd! She was shocked How I’ve never been diagnosed before since I first presented in my 20,s.
So I will be starting therapy ( private) with her as her field of expertise is Bpd.
I feel relief as I now have hope.
My fiancé funnily enoughasked me to go for a walk in the woods yesterday but I declined ( oh yes) as my daughter visiting/ assessment. Then yesterday evening he bought me flowers, took me out for cocktails and tapas and stayed the night. We are currently on a beach with my kids!
I have hope now I know I can’t help how I’ve been .
 
L

Lavendergirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
161
Location
London
Hi, I have Bpd! She was shocked How I’ve never been diagnosed before since I first presented in my 20,s.
So I will be starting therapy ( private) with her as her field of expertise is Bpd.
I feel relief as I now have hope.
My fiancé funnily enoughasked me to go for a walk in the woods yesterday but I declined ( oh yes) as my daughter visiting/ assessment. Then yesterday evening he bought me flowers, took me out for cocktails and tapas and stayed the night. We are currently on a beach with my kids!
I have hope now I know I can’t help how I’ve been .
That is such a good start
It's so difficult when we know something is wrong but have not been given a diagnosis
I really hope your partner continues to support you
Therapy won't be easy but with the right professional and a willingness to work towards change you can do this.
Really glad you declined that walk sometimes change in ourselves bring about positive change in others.
Enjoy the beach x
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2020
Messages
110
Location
Herefordshire
I guess the question is, is he wronging you or is he just being a man. I'm under the impression it's usually women who insist on knowing 'what now, do you love me, don't you care about me, why aren't you here, why do you spend more time with them', but are they being unreasonable or are they just being women?

In my experience having other people's opinions mainly annoys and doesn't really help, because relationships are so personal, so I won't say anything about that. But I relate a lot to your situation. Maybe the time he spends away, you can spend on gathering yourself together. (I don't know if he's going soon but) you could start a medication if they prescribed you something, take care of yourself physically as well as mentally, as far as you can. Take care of your home, go to appointments, if you have any, read about related stuff [if you have bpd then that, or just depression, anxiety, fear of separation], anything that would help you a little to understand what is happening.
Thank you , I completely get what you are saying ! It’s just difficult unpicking what’s what !
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2020
Messages
110
Location
Herefordshire
That is such a good start
It's so difficult when we know something is wrong but have not been given a diagnosis
I really hope your partner continues to support you
Therapy won't be easy but with the right professional and a willingness to work towards change you can do this.
Really glad you declined that walk sometimes change in ourselves bring about positive change in others.
Enjoy the beach x
I just burst into tears when she told me; but she reassured its not my fault and that with hard work and commitment my life will improve greatly.
He doesn't hold all the cards. You just need to take yours back. He is not without problems...No one is. Don't let him make you feel that you're the sole problem.

You said you're sick of not knowing if he's a great guy or a using bastard. But you do know. You wouldn't wonder if you didn't. Believe your gut.

I'd tell him you're leaving him. It will give you your power back and he's going to do it to you at some point anyway.
I know he doesn’t hold all the cards and I could walk away ; when I go into panic mode I cannot read my gut or make a logical decision. I just react based on my emotions and usually I’ve completely misread the situation.
He said he doesn’t want to tell me things in case I get upset/ angry etc and he hates making me unhappy.
he’s not perfect; he’s been in the forces for 34 years, they are are a different Species almost! He can be blunt, ridiculously logical and also has the ability to shut down and disengage if I’m kicking off.
We have split up twice ( for 6 months and3 months) when he walked out.
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2020
Messages
110
Location
Herefordshire
I hear you Delilah and the way you described your feelings gave me goose bumps.

I know how painful the not knowing how things will turn out will be and when we
are in it we seem to be so stuck in it. You are the only one who can soothe yourself better by trying to see the big picture that you will be OK. You have probably been here before like me and you have survived because that’s what we are- SURVIVORS.

You are good enough but will you believe that?
Thank you Bilbo, and it means a lot to have someone know how it feels.
I have read soooooo many self help books to try and relieve my pain starting with “women who love to much “ read in 1992!!!!
I just can’t self soothe or distract when I’m in full panic mode BUT now I have been diagnosed I’m really hope that this will change)
 
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