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my feelings tonight :(

S

shalee

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2008
Messages
7
hello everyone.

i should start by saying i have not been formally diagnosed as bipolar..doctors have suggested it in the past, and i am currently keeping a mood journal and doing voice recordings for my psychiatrist to review.

i just feel the need to talk to someone tonight. i feel physically ill. my moods have been ALL over the map this month. holy cow. where to start. i've felt every single human emotion that one could feel, on a grandiose scale. i've been sad, happy, agitated, irritated, raging, happy, excited, elated, compassionate, lacking all empathy for others, been VERY focused on my responsibilities, and then NOT wanting to have ANY responsibilities and blowing all of them off, being over the top in tune with nature, being overly obsessive and fixated on certain things like taking photographs of nature, for example, so much so that my entire day is consumed with thoughts of this creative gesture. i've lost about 7 pounds, my hair is falling out, i have hives right now. i keep going back and forth between all of these different emotions.

i have one very important question. this may sound silly, but i honestly do not know.

when someone *truly* has a psychiatric disorder, be it depression, bipolar, personality disorders, etc...is the patient aware of it? or do they not even know there is a problem?

because i can tell you one thing for sure...i am VERY acutely aware of EVERY symptom i have. i can chronicle them in great detail in my journals. i feel like i am extremely in tune with my body, and my senses are hyperactive. i pick up on every single emotion or feeling that i have.

it makes me very confused because in my mind, i think if someone were truly ill, they may not even realize they have a problem. but i am so aware of it...it makes me feel as if i am making the whole thing up, as if i'm inventing it, as if i'm an fantastic actress and this is all a movie. i keep thinking that this is a charade that i'm putting on, and that the whole thing is fabricated. i feel like i am not myself.

please talk to me tonight..someone. i just don't know what to do about this. my mind is so UNQUIET. i have all of these coping strategies that i try to use. for example, my newest one is that i lie down in a comfortable position, and i begin whispering the word QUIET. as i'm repeating the word quiet, in my mind i visualize a man sitting in an empty, dark room. he is sitting at a piano, and i try to imagine him pressing one low note over and over again, at a slow pace, on the piano. this is my attempt to focus on something, and clear my mind. but instead of being able to picture this man pressing one nice clear low note and saying the word quiet..i keep having visions of this man playing the loudest, most active song ever, tap dancing on the piano, screaming and dancing, you name it.

another strategy i use is the lie down, close my eyes, and imagine a vast field with flowers in muted tones, and a tiny white butterfly gently soaring through the air. but i can't think that. instead, i picture myself running through the field screaming and laughing and chasing the butterfly and rolling around like a fool in the grass.

i know this all probably sounds very strange..but i can't seem to figure things out and i'm feeling the need to vent.
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Hiya Shalee :)

Before I was diagnosed I didn't know my symptoms - still now when I'm high I don't but when I'm low I do.

You sound like you have a couple of really good coping strategies! I don't have any because I can't clear my mind whatever I do... even if they don't work for you all the time at least they do most

Hope your feeling a little better :hug:
Take care
Lozzi :flowers:
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
shalee

Hi Shalee,

You are trying to relax which is good and should help you, but perhaps you are trying too hard and it maybe not helping you as much as it could. I have always had difficulty with relaxation techniques...the harder I tried the tenser I became, thus not having the desired effect.
A good exercise that helps me is to lie on the bed and try and make your body go as loose as poss. Work up your body i.e. first loosen your toes, then your whole foot..let them fall to the side.Continue to your legs, thighs, bottom, going upwards, tummy shoulders arms etc. I f you go through each body part hopefully by the end you should be as relaxed as you can. This needs working at!

I too know when I'm depressed or my mood has changed, particularly to aggressive. If you can recognise it without dwelling on it too much youcan try and (y)put it right. Positive thoughts.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
My consultant describes bipolar disorder as normal feeling and sensations magnified beyond belief. And yes it is possible to be ill and to know it. I always know when I'm becoming ill and warn people in advance which comes in very handy for the times I become suicidal.

If you have access to iTunes then under podcasts there are Mindfulness podcasts which are very good at getting you to focus in the moment. It's not a relaxation technique as such but it does have that effect when you practise regularly.

The diary and the recordings will be wonderful for your psychiatrist.

Be good to yourself.
 
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