My feelings. (To those who will listen)

[wvd1979]

I wanted to share my story to anyone who will listen. Lately I have been feeling hopeless and depressed and my wife doesn't seem to understand why I feel this way. Basically you could say that I'm going through a life crisis.

I am a 29 year old male. And my upcoming 30th birthday has made me realize that my life is is not where I want it to be. I have a decent salary, however my wife does not make much money. We can cover our bills fine, but trying to save money to buy a house is a real struggle for us. We tried to talk to some banks, but they all say we don't have enough money saved up.

I work in the security field, and I have tried to get promotions at work, but I keep getting passed over for retired cops with 30 years of experience. Even though I always went the extra mile at work and volunteered for extra projects all the time. I feel like a worthless piece of crap on the job because my best is never good enough to move up. Even though I have a college degree and 10 years of field experience. I originally wanted to work in law enforcement, but I have a hearing impairment that prevents me from doing that. (Hearing problem in one ear. The other one is good.) Basically I feel like I have no hopes, no dreams, or no goals that will come true. I have no mentors, or people who are interested in helping me advance in my career.

Now I know some of you are saying "Get another job." Well, the job market is just horrible and if I was to join another company, I would have to take a $6000+ pay cut and lose all my vacation time. I tried to transfer to a different job within my company, but they keep telling me that I am not qualified. I cannot even work as a JANITOR. "OH YOU DON"T HAVE EXPERIENCE USING A MOP AND VACCUM" If I take a pay cut,then I cannot save ANY money for a house and it lowers my odds of getting a mortgage.

Basically, I feel worthless because I cannot buy a house for my wife and I or support a family. In a couple years, my wife will start pressuring me to have children and then my only option will be to raise kids in a crappy apartment because I cannot support the kids and save for a house at the same time. My wife might as well stay home because child care expenses would eat away her salary. And I cannot make it on my salary and still provide a better life. This all comes at a point in my life where I have reached a crossroads and I don't have many options because I am almost 30 and I don't have time to start over.

Basically I am tired of disappointment and not being good enough. There are times when I thought about just saying "screw it" and shooting myself. The only thing that stops me is that I love my wife and I couldn't put her through that. I also can't publically seek help or counseling because my company would fire me because security personnel are supposed to be perfect and not show any mental issues or they are labeled as "at risk for workplace violence". I know people are supposed to seek help, but I can't lose my job right now. I just don't know how to deal with the pressure from my parents who want grandkids and feeling trapped at my job. Maybe I can't do it all...the "normal life" of kids, house, mortgage, career. Maybe I should just walk away from it all. I don't know.

Some of you might think I'm crazy and that's OK. I don't even understand myself sometimes.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

I hope you get some helpful input from other people. Personally I believe people can have it all.....but, for me anyway, I would prefer having a fabulous, content husband and children living in a poky little apartment than live in a fabulous house with stressed out family members.

Could'nt you get some therapy outwith your work? No-one needs to know - it would be confidential? You'd have to pay for it yourself, I think, but it might well be worth it?

Maybe you don't have to 'do it all' - and can just do what you would make you happiest...as an individual as well as for you and your wife as a couple?

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi wvd

Just to start off, no I don't think you're crazy!
I know things seem hopeless at the moment and you feel there is no way out. However in my experience things can change. Hitting 30 can make you reassess where you are and what you have, and where you would like to have been by then.

I did the same thing, I felt unhappy and disappointed that I didn't achieve everything I wanted to by then. What got me through it was not looking at where I would have liked to have been but concentrating on appreciating what I had now. It sounds like you have a loving wife who is supporting you regardless of whether you have a house now or not. Okay your job may not be ideal but it sounds like it is stable at the very least. I believe Grizzly is right, you might not have it all, and there may be some things you can not change but you can concentrate on creating your own happiness for you and your wife in other respects.

Things in my life have taken a turn in an unexepected direction, things can change. You might find that over the next few years property prices might drop where you may be able to afford a house. You might unexpectedly come into some money. A job may come up where you wouldn't have to take a pay drop or you may get a promotion you applied for.

You are not alone in your pressures and fears in this current climate. Many of my friends in their 30s can not get mortgages/loans for a property. Many of them can not consider having children because of an inability to afford their upkeep. What i'm trying to say is that it is not neccessarily a failure in you, the current climate in the US and UK and in other countries are putting alot of families in the same predicament. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

Have you tried speaking with your wife about your fears of pressures about children and getting a home? She may have these fears herself, and perhaps you can both create some sort of action plan to try and get to the place you want to be at together. I see no reason why you should shoulder all these worries by yourself. Your family might be able to help in some way if you speak to them about your concerns.

Counselling might be of some help, would you have to declare it to your employer if you did undertake it? Even if it is confidential.
In the meantime please do keep posting, sometimes even just venting your feelings can offer some relief.