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My father's right...

frisas45

frisas45

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Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
Have you heard of this concept? The fact that you have to lose something important to survive?

That's what I was forced to.

Like everyone else, I had dreams. Ambitions. But my father told me to stop doing these things. Instead, I should spend countless hours on how to be sociallybup to standards and being successful on what you don't want. And I was forced to perform well, and was put under high stress like the movie Whiplash. Always focus on what other people think, especially the toxic, abusive, demanding fuckers. They might be harmful at first, but they will build you up, like drill instructors at some darned boot camp.

"Life is hard," he says. And he told me that I should toughen up. This is the way to do it. Stop taking pills, stop seeing shrinks, just suck it up. Stop being a baby and do what you want. Give your dreams up for something important.

I know this bullshit is wrong. But these are hard times now. (Before COVID-19)

I feel like he is right. If I listened to him, I would've thrived. But I tried to chase my dreams in vain and chill out.

I'm screwed up in a foreign country depending on my family to survive. Had to look after them and I almost lost my sanity. College in this place sucks. Intimidating professors are prevalent. They straight out bully students, while the students goof around.

My father DID say that I will realize that he is right. And I sort of did! However, I have no regrets. Only contempt.

You see, life is short. Too damned short to half-ass around doing what my father demands. There a ton of shit I want to do, and I don't want to waste my life working my back off to survive. I wasted my 30 years fucking like this!

But I don't have a choice if I want to survive. Otherwise, things will end up in disaster. I might end up homeless and half-crazed. I might go to jail. Some countries don't just lock up people who made wrong choices. Some target mentally ill people and people in debt. And they get incarcerated.

Hell, I'm pissed. Being forced to survive one day after another...

Some say "Life's hard" and "toughen up". And this gives me the ass. Why? I fear that they're just being like my father again. And a lot of other people around him.

Looks like I have a misunderstanding on how to toughen up or deal with issues in life.

But some assholes say that I'm right...
 
D

Dice

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Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
88
Location
UK
It's tricky. On the one hand we feel we know it all when we're young, and the older generations will have seen and done many a thing. They may not have experienced the exact thing you have, or they might have done exactly that. It's difficult to reason with someone younger about the complexities of life because much of it you have to learn for yourself. You have to get burned before you know something is hot and how that feels.
I do agree, somewhat, with the older generations, in saying that we should be tougher. I think from the millennial generation onwards, especially, we have been encouraged to be softer and softer (I see this as us being primed for the welfare state and dependency on the state itself for survival but that one is for another topic). Mental illness didn't start yesterday, we should remember that, they had to battle it too, and they got a lot less help than we have. They didn't get the handouts and protections, they HAD to work to feed the family, and so on.
When it comes to following dreams, that again is a minefield. You can try to do just that, and fail, and end up with nothing at all, or you could end up with all you ever wanted. I think most elders would encourage stability and dependability because they know how things can change in this world. Hell, we've just got a dose of it with the virus that should make this generation sit up and take note and maybe think about things in this way too. Nothing is easy and we are always learning about this thing called life. None of us have all the answers.
 
PerpetuallyStuck

PerpetuallyStuck

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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May 20, 2020
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546
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England
I'm not sure if it is right. I mean, putting yourself out there and "rolling with the punches" you could succeed to a certain extent. You could achieve things, even though you endure a lot of pain to get there. The trouble is that, all those memories of the suffering while you were chasing your goal. Once you get what you want, you may have fears of losing it. What if you keep trying and keep failing?

I know I could have had more out of life if I'd have been less cautious and accepted people more. The thing is, there are successful celebrities out there who have suffered a lot, despite having fame, fortune, partners etc. Happiness is hard to achieve. I think my point is that hiding away and being full of fear has been really damaging, but going out and putting up with whatever comes your way, that can also be really bad. I'd be miserable either way. A happy medium would be nice, but life doesn't seem to allow that. It's either all or nothing.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
It's tricky. On the one hand we feel we know it all when we're young, and the older generations will have seen and done many a thing. They may not have experienced the exact thing you have, or they might have done exactly that. It's difficult to reason with someone younger about the complexities of life because much of it you have to learn for yourself. You have to get burned before you know something is hot and how that feels.
I do agree, somewhat, with the older generations, in saying that we should be tougher. I think from the millennial generation onwards, especially, we have been encouraged to be softer and softer (I see this as us being primed for the welfare state and dependency on the state itself for survival but that one is for another topic). Mental illness didn't start yesterday, we should remember that, they had to battle it too, and they got a lot less help than we have. They didn't get the handouts and protections, they HAD to work to feed the family, and so on.
When it comes to following dreams, that again is a minefield. You can try to do just that, and fail, and end up with nothing at all, or you could end up with all you ever wanted. I think most elders would encourage stability and dependability because they know how things can change in this world. Hell, we've just got a dose of it with the virus that should make this generation sit up and take note and maybe think about things in this way too. Nothing is easy and we are always learning about this thing called life. None of us have all the answers.
But I'm tired of being the tough guy. Because I'm mentally exhausted. If I keep going like this, I might have a mental breakdown and harm someone!
 
D

Dice

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
88
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UK
What is it that you actually want then frisas? Ideally, what would you like from your life if you could choose and it would be made so (other than enormous lottery wins or the like of course!)
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
What is it that you actually want then frisas? Ideally, what would you like from your life if you could choose and it would be made so (other than enormous lottery wins or the like of course!)
To hope and live peacefully. Not in a constant ceaseless war for survival.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
758
Location
California, USA
Hi frisas!

It sounds like your father means well, but not everyone is meant to walk the same path, not every values the same thing. Life is hard, but isn't life harder if you don't try and live the life you want? Who are these people to judge you? Because you can judge them as well! I don't think you're going to go down that easy and to submit to what others want. Only you know what is truly best for yourself. :)
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
Hi frisas!

It sounds like your father means well, but not everyone is meant to walk the same path, not every values the same thing. Life is hard, but isn't life harder if you don't try and live the life you want? Who are these people to judge you? Because you can judge them as well! I don't think you're going to go down that easy and to submit to what others want. Only you know what is truly best for yourself. :)
I can't live the way I want. I have to look after my mother and juggle between school and my mental illness to survive. And I'm failing school. I wish I could quit school and go back to US. Then, I might have better luck with academics.

But the most important of all is, I don't want my mind to say my father's right. I tried to follow up his path, and damn it I almost had a meltdown! I don't know how to shake it off.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
I can't live the way I want. I have to look after my mother and juggle between school and my mental illness to survive. And I'm failing school. I wish I could quit school and go back to US. Then, I might have better luck with academics.

But the most important of all is, I don't want my mind to say my father's right. I tried to follow up his path, and damn it I almost had a meltdown! I don't know how to shake it off.
@Volbe
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,276
Our financial and emotional security are priorities. It is vital we have the best foundations possible to ensure our stability later in life. Unfortunately that does mean getting a good education. If we have the ability to keep others' (especially family) safe, fit and well or at least functional (and no one else is better equipped) we in my opinion have a obligation to fulfill those needs. A bit of gratitude on the other hand wouldn't go a miss though would it ;) For all your hard work, and effort it would be nice to be noticed and appreciated, even encouraged. It would make the World of difference to your studies and your quality of life :) You are still young, all this effort you are putting in now will pay dividends later in life and probably a lot sooner than you think. You have your own mind, you know the direction you want to go in (hopefully it's your gut instinct leading you, and not some fantasy dream). You will be surprised how many people toddle along in life aimlessly not knowing their self and achieving next to nothing, socially, emotionally and materially. You sound like you have huge potential, just focus on building the right foundations first. Hope this helps :)
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
Our financial and emotional security are priorities. It is vital we have the best foundations possible to ensure our stability later in life. Unfortunately that does mean getting a good education. If we have the ability to keep others' (especially family) safe, fit and well or at least functional (and no one else is better equipped) we in my opinion have a obligation to fulfill those needs. A bit of gratitude on the other hand wouldn't go a miss though would it ;) For all your hard work, and effort it would be nice to be noticed and appreciated, even encouraged. It would make the World of difference to your studies and your quality of life :) You are still young, all this effort you are putting in now will pay dividends later in life and probably a lot sooner than you think. You have your own mind, you know the direction you want to go in (hopefully it's your gut instinct leading you, and not some fantasy dream). You will be surprised how many people toddle along in life aimlessly not knowing their self and achieving next to nothing, socially, emotionally and materially. You sound like you have huge potential, just focus on building the right foundations first. Hope this helps :)
But know this... I can't overwork until my mind snaps. The efforts will be for nothing if that happens.
 
Blooming

Blooming

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Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
190
Location
mycountry
I see that my post with the devilish face is deleted. That is OK. It was the only anger-face I found. May be I did not look well enough.

Now I have read your post. My thought is that your father has meant it well. We'll meet a lot of different situations through the lifespan and we have to learn that sometimes we will suffer to reach the goals we need.

If you are in situations now that you don't have the energy to meet, that is OK. Then you have to decide what is worth to use your energy on and chose. If you don't like your teachers in the school, but need the education, then find a way to be able to tolerate teachers of a different culture. I do understand that mocking teachers is not good to have around, but in some cultures that is the way it is. It is much better that you find a way to "inner talk" that helps you. Like "What a dumb man" or something like that.

Don't hang yourself up in your fathers words. Don't fight them. Let them be his, not yours. Why spend a lot of energy upon fighting some words? If you stop fighting to get rid of his words, you will have more energy to use at other things. ☺
 
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