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My father is a victim, break contact?

A

annoniem9648

New member
Joined
Mar 17, 2015
Messages
1
These past months I will not soon forget. Two years ago, my stepsister broke contact with my father and stepmother. Now it is clear why: My father has done "something" to my stepsister.

The precise details are sketchy but do not contradict each other. I think I have a complete overall picture. There has not been an "all the way" contact but my father has definitely crossed a moral boundary. For my stepsister, the results of this "something" consist of problems with trust and loyalty in relationships, she also wants her child not to be alone with my father.

I have often walked around with the idea to completely break off contact with my father, but I never put through. The relationship with him has always cost me energy. To be honest I've always felt contempt for him, not because my mother abandoned him but how he generally stands in life. I feel no hatred against him, only care. He is not a bad person, he is a victim of a world he has created himself.

Below I have put down my thoughts that came to me. This should at least be therapeutic for myself and perhaps the details give a more meaningful "discussion" witch in turn can help others.

Negative
- He lets his emotions cloud his judgement
- He always chooses the path of least resistance, this gives him little integrity
- He preaches principles but he does not himself live by them
- He used submissiveness and weakness to evade responsibility
- He has limited interest to empathize ideas / positions / interests of his family, he is actually hugely egocentric
- He provides "negative reinforcement" because he takes strength in projecting his own pessimism on others
- He prefers to give uncertainty to his children over giving uncertainty to himself

Positive
- If I demand unconditional love I get that from him
- If I make him understand what I need, he gives me that
- My whole life he has continued to seek contact, calling in at least every two weeks
- He is genuinely interested if it goes well with me
- Family issues are important to him: Easter / Christmas / anniversaries etc ...

The paradox
- I believe there are two types of pain: Pain that gives you strength and pain that drain's you're energy.
- I believe in unconditional love to my family.
- I believe that nature / nurture explains some foundation, but that it is trivial when emotion and ambition come into play

My questions:
- Will it deliver more energy to dissociate myself completely from him or is it better to stay in touch?
- Will I be weaker by breaking contact, or will this make me stronger?
- What do I say to my children later when I talk about my father?
 
S

Saranoya

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
152
There is really only one person who can answer your questions, and that's you.

If you're convinced that what you get from your father is in fact unconditional love, that he's willing and able to meet your needs, that he's sincerely interested in your well-being, and that the kind of person *you* want to be is someone who loves her dad no matter what, then what you need to determine for yourself is whether all of that is worth more to you than the (potentially?) detrimental effects of everything you've listed under 'negative'.

Given the experiences your stepsister had with him, I find it completely understandable that she no longer wishes to maintain contact; especially given the fact that she has a child, who may be in genuine danger when left alone with him. But just because your stepsister and her mom have broken things off with him, doesn't in itself mean that you should feel obligated to do the same.

Personally, I believe that if the things under the 'negative' heading truly become too much for you to bear, you won't have to consciously decide to break contact with your father. You'll just feel yourself drifting away from him, and no longer finding the motivation to do anything about that.
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
He sounds like a man with flaws, but one who loves you and provides for you. It would be harsh to cut off contact with him just because of his flaws, and I think you'll ultimately regret it. You seem to value strength and energy a lot, and I don't feel a lot of compassion coming from your writing.

If you are really lookin for things that make you stronger, I'd suggest keeping family contacts but focussing on your health and fitness. Take up jogging or marathon running and get really fit and strong, it conditions both the body and the mind.
 
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