My experience with someone with BPD

S

Shelob182

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2019
Messages
3
Location
London
#1
Hello,

I am not sure this is the right place to share this, but I thought I would anyway. I am sorry if this will be very long, but maybe some of you might be able to help me understand better what is going on. And maybe sharing this will help me, too.
I don't personally have BPD but I have been in a relationship with someone who has it, and it has been (and still is) the biggest roller coaster I've ever been on. I am going to call this person W.
I would like to start by saying that I have lost my brother to suicide less than 2 months ago, I am going through the worst time of my life, I am trying to learn how to live with this loss, with this huge change, as nothing will ever be the same again. The reason why I am sharing this, is because W was the first person I wanted to be close to me and with me in this terrible moment.
But lets start from the beginning. Me and W met up at work, it really started as a joke, it wasn't supposed to be anything serious, and I had no idea and didn't notice anything the first month and a half we were hanging out, he seemed like your everyday type of guy. We got very close, to the point where we would spend a lot of time together, although it was just a "casual relationship", he used to text me a lot, I've never met anyone who would text so much. To the point that my days started to be completely focused on him, and we would also see each other at work as we were (and still are) working in the same office. Even in the office we would chat endlessly. He told me about his previous relationship, that ended up badly as he was suicidal, he told me that this girl didn't really love him, she wouldn't show almost any love at all, he would have to "earn it" at the end of the day, and apparently he was so in love with her. It really seemed like she was the problem. And that is also when he mentioned BPD for the first (and only) time, cause after the break up he attended a mental clinic where he got a diagnosis, but he spoke about it in a very subtle way, that it didn't really strike me (and probably that was my fault). He also said he was working on it by doing DBT on his own, and he was not seeing a therapist.
Around the end of the second month we were "dating", I started noticing some weird mood swings that I wasn't really able to read or understand, he would randomly go quiet, sad (or that is how it looked to me), he would be rude for no reason, or just not very approachable. He would treat me badly for no reason at all.
Then one day, out of the blue, he went out one evening with a friends of ours, met another girl and literally the next day he dumped me with what seemed like no emotions at all, and that same afternoon he went out on a date with this other girl. As if I have never been there at all.
I am not going into details cause it would be long, to make it short, this girl he met up with found out about me and got mad at him for lying (he said he wasn't seeing anyone) and decided not to see him again. He got mad at me, called me names, said things I could have never imagined, and then it became a weird mix of him trying to push me away, but then coming back wanting me to be there for him, saying that he was feeling alone. It was a reaction completely out of proportion. And that was the first time I realised something wasn't okay.
After things quiet down we decided to try and be in a proper relationship for a while (we actually set an expiry date) to see how it would work.

And that is when it started being bad. Throughout the whole relationship I was never enough, no matter what I would do, i could bring him chocolate and cook for him, or be nice and caring, drive him around, be there in every way possible, or even just do absolutely nothing, there was always something missing, something I would say (or something I wouldn't say) that would trigger this mood swings, something I was never gonna reach, and he was never able to tell exactly what it was. There was always something I would do wrong, and I would never really understand what or why. He would repeat that I was annoying, or he would say that i am "spastic", too whimsical, not mindful or sympathetic enough and some other nasty things. He said I didn't listen and I wasn't present. I think it is important to mention that he is also an introvert, so if by any chance I'd interrupt him while he was talking, even just to ask a question, that would be the end of it. Then out of the blue he would be normal and bubbly again, and then randomly he'd go back to this sad/bad mood, which I felt (cause he made me feel) extremely responsible for, even if I didn't do or say anything. He also started telling me how I should or shouldn't behave in certain situations. To the point that he didn't want me to talk to him in the office (note that our relationship was a secret, he didn't want people to know).

I still remember when he got angry at me cause he showed me a drawing he's done in the past and I didn't spend enough time talking about it. I didn't give it enough attention. He always wanted attention 24/7. He would be annoyed if I laughed about myself and not about him. He would say I barely made him laugh.
Obviously the relationship barely got to the expiry date, as we had our second big fight, which was about a friend of mine, which he believed I shouldn't see as she was a bad influence. The fight escalated quickly (oh, all of this always happened via texts, he never talks face to face), he started saying that I didn't care about him or about our relationship cause I was bringing this person, this bad influence, into our relationship, cause even if she wasn't physically with us, I would get affected by her and automatically this would get to him. He said I didn't care or loved him, that I was a disappointment, that he was hurt (he said that so many times throughout the months), he felt betrayed and lonely and I basically was a monster and a horrible person. So he broke up with me once more cause I wouldn't cut this friend out of my life. And that is when I started researching BPD.

The second break up lasted 3 weeks. Somehow he never really left, besides the fact that we would still be working together so it was inevitable that we would meet, he would always, almost daily, find a way to text me or contact me to remind me he was there, and even though I felt so miserable and hurt, and lets be honest, humiliated to say the least, I couldn't say no. Cause I really loved him and I was ready to try anything to help him and make it work. We kinda started hanging out again, we never really said it out loud but we got back into another relationship. This time at the beginning it seemed more chilled, he still had these ups and downs but less intense, and I was trying so hard to make it work. I would do anything. I started learning about DBT, I started reading books about mindfulness, I changed the way I was talking or listening, I started meditating. I literally tried anything to become this person that he was imagining and expecting me to be (which I now know that this ideal person really doesn't exist). I tried to be extremely calm, I literally killed my happy self, I started developing anxiety every day as I was worried about anything I would say or do cause I was scared of triggering his mood swings, I was scared of saying or doing the wrong thing all the time. It was a nightmare. But no matter what, I wanted it. And I wanted him. Our relationship was so intense to the point that I would get anxious if he wouldn't text me. And still it wasn't enough.

Through all this process, I also learned that I couldn't fix him, I knew that, but I wanted to make it work. I literally annihilated myself, I tried to be understanding all the time, I was so scared of his reactions that I never contradicted him, and he would again accuse me of things that never happened, he was telling me horrible things, that I wasn't sensual enough, flirty enough, romantic enough. As a women, I felt worthless. But then there were those small happy moments that would make everything right, and I was craving them and hanging from them cause it was like a confirmation that after all it wasn't so bad, that we could work things out. I also started talking to a therapist to try and have a better understanding of the situation (but we broke up shortly after). I could list thousands of things or episodes that happened, but Ill just talk about the major ones. I am sorry, I know this is getting long. And I know I am forgetting things, but its been 10 months.

The third break up happened in February, the trigger was that a friend of ours made a silly joke about him, calling him "rude" in a playful way, and I didn't defend him. He went on a tantrum, he stared accusing me that I should have stood up for him, that he would never let anybody do that to his partner, then he gave me the silence treatment for hours (it happened so many times), then he was angry again and started humiliating me sayin that I didnt care about him, that Im like a sheep that gets manipulated by other people, that I can't think with my own brain, that I didnt care about us, that I betrayed him and he felt so alone (the alone thing is a recurring theme too). All of it cause I laughed at a silly and really meaningless joke.
Since the break up many other things happened, he would block me on whatsapp, delete me on facebook (it happened countless times in the past, too), to then add me again. He would accuse me of flirting with other people (which I wasn't as I was still so much into him), and it was a constant coming and going, not talking for days, but maybe texting, ignoring me, then accusing me again of random things, even if we weren't together anymore. He would tell me that he loved me endlessly, but that he needed to work on himself. Even if we were broken up, he kept being there in a way or another. He would text me at least once a day just to remind me he was there.

All of this until my brother died.
When it happened he was the first one I reached out for, I found out when i was at work, so he was there too and he did really help me, he came home with me, helped me packing and getting a ticket (Im from Italy but I live in the UK) to travel back home as I was completely out of it.
And for the first time in forever, the first week after it happened, he was really there for me. He was a real support and it really helped me. Yet again I thought he could be fine. But it didn't last. Already the second week he started being annoyed at small things (I was still in italy) and he would make me notice, although I was going (and I am) through hell. When I got back to the UK things were kinda ok, he tried being supportive, but he would tell me things like: "Im always here for you, but dont abuse that", he would accuse me of dealing with my grief in the wrong way (?), telling me I should learn to be alone with myself and my pain. Finding small things I would do wrong. He told me that my negativity was affecting him and that he didn't like that, that I shouldn't do that to my friends, all of it not even a month after my brother died. And I really wasn't being negative. Definitely sad and unhappy, but not negative.

The last drop was last week, when he started ignoring me for a couple days, then he sent me this long message where he basically told me that I broke his trust (cause I forgot to listen to some stuff that he sent me), that my words are meaningless and that I can only do small talks, that he disagrees with the way I socialise, that he doesn't like how I talk cause my words dont match my actions, and he felt betrayed and disrespected (once more). Then he went on on how I shouldnt even drive cause Im dangerous and I might kill a kid one day (cause I lightly touched a car's mirror while I was givin space to another car) and that he will never step in a car with me ever again, and that I will destroy a family one day (by killing a kid). This destroyed me, especially after what happened to my brother. And also that if I have respect for his words, I should sell my car.
My response to that was simply that at the moment I am dealing with something much bigger than me and than that, that I can't deal with anything of the sort and that if he can't be with me now, in this moment, then so be it. I don't have the strength anymore to deal with all of this random attacks and accusations, especially in this moment.
After that he stopped talking to me. It has been now almost 2 weeks, it is the longest we haven't spoken in almost a year. Initially he deleted me from Facebook, then threw away some things I gave him at work. Then he blocked me on Facebook and blocked me on Whatsapp. All very randomly as I never contacted him. He is doing it all by himself. And I don't understand why or what is the point.
And I feel so hurt cause, despite it all, I really miss him. And we still meet at work every day, that doesnt help.
One thing I recently told him was that, right now, I can't stand any changes or stress, cause I am already dealing with the worst and biggest change ever, and I need to find a way to accept my loss and to grief. The fact that W is doing this to me right now, in this moment, really kills me. And i am in disbelief. I would never let anybody down who is going through such a hard time.

I dont even know what I miss since being with him (as partners or friends) has always been 90% of the times unpleasant and stressful, and he is mostly mean to me for no reason. And especially it was always me being there for him, never the opposite. But he doesn't see that. He doesn't see anything I have done or said. The love I have always showed.
I feel like I am this person that he loves but hates at the same time. He has barely ever given me any affection, even when we were together. He was able to tell me that he didn't feel like kissing me or holding my hand.
But even so, I really miss him.

I am sorry this was so long, if you got to the end of it, thank you so much for taking the time to read it.
I hope I was able to explain the situation, it has been many months and I could really write a Bible about all that happened.
If anyone is able to explain to me any of these behaviours, or give me any general info I'd really appreciate it.
Probably being apart from each other is the best thing and I just have to deal with it, but all he is doing just hurts.
I also have a feeling that he does not only have BPD but there must be so much more going on. I told him to find a therapist, and I offered him to find one, but there is always an excuse, whether is money or time, or anything else.
If you have any questions or you need me to clarify something, please let me know.

Thank you again.
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
963
Location
Hell
#2
I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, you need to first grieve and overcome that before anything else
I think you need a break from this W person too, so really it's a relief that he has blocked contact because it sounds as if this relationship is bringing you down, of course there's 2 sides to every story and it sounds as if his BPD is very overwhelming for him and for you
I believe he needs to seek real therapy, I don't think trying to do DBT on your own will be very effective, I'd go as far as suggesting to not get back with him (if you are planning too) unless he does get the help he needs
 
S

Shelob182

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2019
Messages
3
Location
London
#3
I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, you need to first grieve and overcome that before anything else
I think you need a break from this W person too, so really it's a relief that he has blocked contact because it sounds as if this relationship is bringing you down, of course there's 2 sides to every story and it sounds as if his BPD is very overwhelming for him and for you
I believe he needs to seek real therapy, I don't think trying to do DBT on your own will be very effective, I'd go as far as suggesting to not get back with him (if you are planning too) unless he does get the help he needs
Hi, thank you for your answer and for reading the whole thing :)
Yes, I totally agree with all you just said. And there are absolutely 2 sides to every story.
I am not planning on getting back with him cause I know it would be so unhealthy for the both of us.
I think I have always hoped we could manage to be friends, but each time we tried somehow the dynamics were always the same as when we were in a relationship (without the physical aspect).
I know this is for the best, but I miss his presence in my life so much.
I hope he will decide to seek proper help, I suggested it so many times but he is so sure he will manage to do it by himself.
 
A

Asmara Rse

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
68
Location
Tacoma Washington
#4
Hello,

I am not sure this is the right place to share this, but I thought I would anyway. I am sorry if this will be very long, but maybe some of you might be able to help me understand better what is going on. And maybe sharing this will help me, too.
I don't personally have BPD but I have been in a relationship with someone who has it, and it has been (and still is) the biggest roller coaster I've ever been on. I am going to call this person W.
I would like to start by saying that I have lost my brother to suicide less than 2 months ago, I am going through the worst time of my life, I am trying to learn how to live with this loss, with this huge change, as nothing will ever be the same again. The reason why I am sharing this, is because W was the first person I wanted to be close to me and with me in this terrible moment.
But lets start from the beginning. Me and W met up at work, it really started as a joke, it wasn't supposed to be anything serious, and I had no idea and didn't notice anything the first month and a half we were hanging out, he seemed like your everyday type of guy. We got very close, to the point where we would spend a lot of time together, although it was just a "casual relationship", he used to text me a lot, I've never met anyone who would text so much. To the point that my days started to be completely focused on him, and we would also see each other at work as we were (and still are) working in the same office. Even in the office we would chat endlessly. He told me about his previous relationship, that ended up badly as he was suicidal, he told me that this girl didn't really love him, she wouldn't show almost any love at all, he would have to "earn it" at the end of the day, and apparently he was so in love with her. It really seemed like she was the problem. And that is also when he mentioned BPD for the first (and only) time, cause after the break up he attended a mental clinic where he got a diagnosis, but he spoke about it in a very subtle way, that it didn't really strike me (and probably that was my fault). He also said he was working on it by doing DBT on his own, and he was not seeing a therapist.
Around the end of the second month we were "dating", I started noticing some weird mood swings that I wasn't really able to read or understand, he would randomly go quiet, sad (or that is how it looked to me), he would be rude for no reason, or just not very approachable. He would treat me badly for no reason at all.
Then one day, out of the blue, he went out one evening with a friends of ours, met another girl and literally the next day he dumped me with what seemed like no emotions at all, and that same afternoon he went out on a date with this other girl. As if I have never been there at all.
I am not going into details cause it would be long, to make it short, this girl he met up with found out about me and got mad at him for lying (he said he wasn't seeing anyone) and decided not to see him again. He got mad at me, called me names, said things I could have never imagined, and then it became a weird mix of him trying to push me away, but then coming back wanting me to be there for him, saying that he was feeling alone. It was a reaction completely out of proportion. And that was the first time I realised something wasn't okay.
After things quiet down we decided to try and be in a proper relationship for a while (we actually set an expiry date) to see how it would work.

And that is when it started being bad. Throughout the whole relationship I was never enough, no matter what I would do, i could bring him chocolate and cook for him, or be nice and caring, drive him around, be there in every way possible, or even just do absolutely nothing, there was always something missing, something I would say (or something I wouldn't say) that would trigger this mood swings, something I was never gonna reach, and he was never able to tell exactly what it was. There was always something I would do wrong, and I would never really understand what or why. He would repeat that I was annoying, or he would say that i am "spastic", too whimsical, not mindful or sympathetic enough and some other nasty things. He said I didn't listen and I wasn't present. I think it is important to mention that he is also an introvert, so if by any chance I'd interrupt him while he was talking, even just to ask a question, that would be the end of it. Then out of the blue he would be normal and bubbly again, and then randomly he'd go back to this sad/bad mood, which I felt (cause he made me feel) extremely responsible for, even if I didn't do or say anything. He also started telling me how I should or shouldn't behave in certain situations. To the point that he didn't want me to talk to him in the office (note that our relationship was a secret, he didn't want people to know).

I still remember when he got angry at me cause he showed me a drawing he's done in the past and I didn't spend enough time talking about it. I didn't give it enough attention. He always wanted attention 24/7. He would be annoyed if I laughed about myself and not about him. He would say I barely made him laugh.
Obviously the relationship barely got to the expiry date, as we had our second big fight, which was about a friend of mine, which he believed I shouldn't see as she was a bad influence. The fight escalated quickly (oh, all of this always happened via texts, he never talks face to face), he started saying that I didn't care about him or about our relationship cause I was bringing this person, this bad influence, into our relationship, cause even if she wasn't physically with us, I would get affected by her and automatically this would get to him. He said I didn't care or loved him, that I was a disappointment, that he was hurt (he said that so many times throughout the months), he felt betrayed and lonely and I basically was a monster and a horrible person. So he broke up with me once more cause I wouldn't cut this friend out of my life. And that is when I started researching BPD.

The second break up lasted 3 weeks. Somehow he never really left, besides the fact that we would still be working together so it was inevitable that we would meet, he would always, almost daily, find a way to text me or contact me to remind me he was there, and even though I felt so miserable and hurt, and lets be honest, humiliated to say the least, I couldn't say no. Cause I really loved him and I was ready to try anything to help him and make it work. We kinda started hanging out again, we never really said it out loud but we got back into another relationship. This time at the beginning it seemed more chilled, he still had these ups and downs but less intense, and I was trying so hard to make it work. I would do anything. I started learning about DBT, I started reading books about mindfulness, I changed the way I was talking or listening, I started meditating. I literally tried anything to become this person that he was imagining and expecting me to be (which I now know that this ideal person really doesn't exist). I tried to be extremely calm, I literally killed my happy self, I started developing anxiety every day as I was worried about anything I would say or do cause I was scared of triggering his mood swings, I was scared of saying or doing the wrong thing all the time. It was a nightmare. But no matter what, I wanted it. And I wanted him. Our relationship was so intense to the point that I would get anxious if he wouldn't text me. And still it wasn't enough.

Through all this process, I also learned that I couldn't fix him, I knew that, but I wanted to make it work. I literally annihilated myself, I tried to be understanding all the time, I was so scared of his reactions that I never contradicted him, and he would again accuse me of things that never happened, he was telling me horrible things, that I wasn't sensual enough, flirty enough, romantic enough. As a women, I felt worthless. But then there were those small happy moments that would make everything right, and I was craving them and hanging from them cause it was like a confirmation that after all it wasn't so bad, that we could work things out. I also started talking to a therapist to try and have a better understanding of the situation (but we broke up shortly after). I could list thousands of things or episodes that happened, but Ill just talk about the major ones. I am sorry, I know this is getting long. And I know I am forgetting things, but its been 10 months.

The third break up happened in February, the trigger was that a friend of ours made a silly joke about him, calling him "rude" in a playful way, and I didn't defend him. He went on a tantrum, he stared accusing me that I should have stood up for him, that he would never let anybody do that to his partner, then he gave me the silence treatment for hours (it happened so many times), then he was angry again and started humiliating me sayin that I didnt care about him, that Im like a sheep that gets manipulated by other people, that I can't think with my own brain, that I didnt care about us, that I betrayed him and he felt so alone (the alone thing is a recurring theme too). All of it cause I laughed at a silly and really meaningless joke.
Since the break up many other things happened, he would block me on whatsapp, delete me on facebook (it happened countless times in the past, too), to then add me again. He would accuse me of flirting with other people (which I wasn't as I was still so much into him), and it was a constant coming and going, not talking for days, but maybe texting, ignoring me, then accusing me again of random things, even if we weren't together anymore. He would tell me that he loved me endlessly, but that he needed to work on himself. Even if we were broken up, he kept being there in a way or another. He would text me at least once a day just to remind me he was there.

All of this until my brother died.
When it happened he was the first one I reached out for, I found out when i was at work, so he was there too and he did really help me, he came home with me, helped me packing and getting a ticket (Im from Italy but I live in the UK) to travel back home as I was completely out of it.
And for the first time in forever, the first week after it happened, he was really there for me. He was a real support and it really helped me. Yet again I thought he could be fine. But it didn't last. Already the second week he started being annoyed at small things (I was still in italy) and he would make me notice, although I was going (and I am) through hell. When I got back to the UK things were kinda ok, he tried being supportive, but he would tell me things like: "Im always here for you, but dont abuse that", he would accuse me of dealing with my grief in the wrong way (?), telling me I should learn to be alone with myself and my pain. Finding small things I would do wrong. He told me that my negativity was affecting him and that he didn't like that, that I shouldn't do that to my friends, all of it not even a month after my brother died. And I really wasn't being negative. Definitely sad and unhappy, but not negative.

The last drop was last week, when he started ignoring me for a couple days, then he sent me this long message where he basically told me that I broke his trust (cause I forgot to listen to some stuff that he sent me), that my words are meaningless and that I can only do small talks, that he disagrees with the way I socialise, that he doesn't like how I talk cause my words dont match my actions, and he felt betrayed and disrespected (once more). Then he went on on how I shouldnt even drive cause Im dangerous and I might kill a kid one day (cause I lightly touched a car's mirror while I was givin space to another car) and that he will never step in a car with me ever again, and that I will destroy a family one day (by killing a kid). This destroyed me, especially after what happened to my brother. And also that if I have respect for his words, I should sell my car.
My response to that was simply that at the moment I am dealing with something much bigger than me and than that, that I can't deal with anything of the sort and that if he can't be with me now, in this moment, then so be it. I don't have the strength anymore to deal with all of this random attacks and accusations, especially in this moment.
After that he stopped talking to me. It has been now almost 2 weeks, it is the longest we haven't spoken in almost a year. Initially he deleted me from Facebook, then threw away some things I gave him at work. Then he blocked me on Facebook and blocked me on Whatsapp. All very randomly as I never contacted him. He is doing it all by himself. And I don't understand why or what is the point.
And I feel so hurt cause, despite it all, I really miss him. And we still meet at work every day, that doesnt help.
One thing I recently told him was that, right now, I can't stand any changes or stress, cause I am already dealing with the worst and biggest change ever, and I need to find a way to accept my loss and to grief. The fact that W is doing this to me right now, in this moment, really kills me. And i am in disbelief. I would never let anybody down who is going through such a hard time.

I dont even know what I miss since being with him (as partners or friends) has always been 90% of the times unpleasant and stressful, and he is mostly mean to me for no reason. And especially it was always me being there for him, never the opposite. But he doesn't see that. He doesn't see anything I have done or said. The love I have always showed.
I feel like I am this person that he loves but hates at the same time. He has barely ever given me any affection, even when we were together. He was able to tell me that he didn't feel like kissing me or holding my hand.
But even so, I really miss him.

I am sorry this was so long, if you got to the end of it, thank you so much for taking the time to read it.
I hope I was able to explain the situation, it has been many months and I could really write a Bible about all that happened.
If anyone is able to explain to me any of these behaviours, or give me any general info I'd really appreciate it.
Probably being apart from each other is the best thing and I just have to deal with it, but all he is doing just hurts.
I also have a feeling that he does not only have BPD but there must be so much more going on. I told him to find a therapist, and I offered him to find one, but there is always an excuse, whether is money or time, or anything else.
If you have any questions or you need me to clarify something, please let me know.

Thank you again.
Hello
 
A

Asmara Rse

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
68
Location
Tacoma Washington
#5
Hello Shellob,
I hope this post finds that you are doing better and have more support in your life now. It sounds like you need support and validation for what your feeling and going thru. It’s a process and takes time.
To be completely honest when. I read this post I saw parts of me in my situation on both sides of what you described to some degree or another.
I have PTSD and anxiety. I don’t know if I have any other “label” and to what degree or if my husband does. ?
Your not alone. I really felt moved by what you wrote and couldn’t stop reading till the end and reflecting on me and my husband and us.
I’m glad you shared and I hope I can be helpful in some small way even if it’s just you knowing that so much of what your going thru others are too.
I’m confused in my situation and contemplating divorce.
I love my husband and don’t wish to be contemplating but all’s we do is fight constantly. Our son graduates high school this year. I’ve never felt supported by my husband with discipline for our son, or our work.. we work together too.. like you.. and yes that’s difficult. My husband undermines me and minimizes stuff all the time and pushes my buttons intentionally and deliberately sets me up to humiliate me in front of clients. My husband (I’ll call H from now on) is very charismatic, charming, likeable, sociable, kind and caring. So what is my issue right? Sounds like I have a great husband. Will here is where I’m thinking of what’s happened with you and all the constant texting you would get.. but I could be wrong and please forgive me if I am. But it sounds like youve been “love bombed” by him. My H is very good at this. And very manipulative with these “great qualities” so much so that he has FOOLED me, DECIEVED me, and TRICKED me over, and over, and over for 20 years. H has lied about little things constantly, and big things. Credit cards, lien on the house, promises he never intends to keep. I have major trust issues with him on so many levels and that’s why I feel I probably have PTSD and Anxiety. But I still also thru everything continually try to forgive and work it out and also feel a very stron attachment to him. My H also is on Methadone, he was an Alcoholic/heroine addict before I met him and this probably contributes to his ability to manipulate and lie so convincingly.
I hope I didn’t go on into my own issues to much, but by sharing them as you have shared yours that it validates that we are all hoping for solutions, support, trust, love and caring. No one wants to be misunderstood and not validated or accused. And we can all make all of these mistakes or sabatoge ourselves or others. I don’t think anyone wants that but gosh this one forum sight itself shows how many of us are struggling to process and make sense of “our world”!
I wish you lots of support here and wherever you are, and that your loss with your brother you will find comfort. You have a lot going on to process, and grief is an important process that I hope you will have support to help you thru with a counselor.
Blessings to you,
In love an light Divine One,
Asmara Rose
 

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